Commissar of the People’s Soviet Labour Party of Britain, Rachel Reeves, today outlined her wonderful role in ruining the UK economy and killing off all forms of business and aspiration.
“Dear Soviet Labour comrades, commissars, Bolsheviks, civil service workers, train drivers and union bosses, I am proud to announce today that the Great British Pound Sterling has fallen to its lowest point in years. Inflation has risen, and employment has collapsed. Britain’s GDP has fallen drastically thanks to my policies of the highest taxation burden in 80 years, and millions of old age pensioners have been condemned to freeze to death in their hovels thanks to me taking away their ‘winter fuel allowance’. I have also raided pensions and punished savers, as well as fucked over the farmers of Britain. Fuck them. I hate old people, and I hate farmers along with hard-working families who scrimped and saved to send their kids to private schools. I have enjoyed watching these people suffer.
“Comrades, this was the first phase. Don’t worry, I’ve got a lot more nasty Labour surprises up my red sleeve for the UK economy, which I will bring out like a stinky turd plopped out from a dead skunk’s arsehole.
“As well as another shitload of taxes, I hiked employers’ NI contributions, slashing the threshold at which they pay NI and lifting the minimum wage by an inflation busting 6.7% which is guaranteed to kill off many businesses and companies.
“My plan worked, companies stopped hiring. Consumers stopped spending, and I wet my crusty knickers with glee — again.
“By killing off the private sector businesses, which are the engine room of economic growth, my ultimate plan in murdering the UK’s economy is working great. I am literally throttling these bastards with £25billion in extra taxes — beautiful.
“Along with killing farms, and Britain’s food security, I have effectively fucked over big employers like the supermarket chains, Tesco and Sainsbury’s, forcing them to hike prices, reduce pay growth and cut payrolls.
“All of this will mean hyperinflation is coming soon. Ooh goodie, I can’t wait! And, as a little extra, all your council taxes will rise in April by 70%. Have fun with that, you pathetic fucking arse biscuits. Fuck the UK economy, and fuck you.”
