The Daily Telegraph Changes Name

LONDON - England - The former Daily Telegraph newspaper has changed its name to the Daily Hellograph, the Barclay brothers have announced.

Gone are the days of insightful articles about the EU, economy and global news, now the Daily Telegraph is more aligned with Hello magazine, cue the Daily Hellograph.

“After the ET-like character came in when Sir Gallahad was sacked, either half the staff were fired, or left. Now we just have stories about feminist relationship problems or handbags. You may find the odd bit of actual news otherwise one is told to write useless articles about twitter posts or a YouTube video that surpassed 100,000 views,” deputy editor Gnat West revealed before being fired.

There have been some news stories relating to Europe, and they are obvious EU propaganda pieces extolling the virtues of the soviofascist entity. Any articles that are obvious government or EU fluff pieces are bolstered by not having a comments section enabled.

“Whoever this American envoy is he’s made the Daily Telegraph into a bastardised banal celebrity newspaper languishing in the mankini of some TOWIE piece of spornohomo detritus. Please, we want the Daily Telegraph back, I mean the Grauniad is now more relevant and includes actual news stories. Does the Daily Hellograph have anyone there with any balls left?” a disgruntled ex-Telegraph reader said on a message board far, far away from said paper.

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