Commissar Rachel Reeves’ Job is Secure There is Nothing to See Here

SCUNTHORPE - England - An announcement by the Big State has defended the position of Commissar Rachel Reeves.

Comrades, commissars, Bolsheviks, Big State civil servants, train drivers, Marxist union bosses, NHS managers, and the rest of the scum proletariat.

Today we have to address vicious misinformation and rumours spread by swine capitalists that Commissar Rachel Reeves who is in charge of the economy for the People’s Soviet Republic of Britain is in trouble. Some of these nefarious rumours claim that Comrade Reeves cannot do her sums. We in the Labour Party vehemently dispute these lies spread by right wing capitalist pigs. On Tuesday, Comrade Starmer asked Commissar Reeves what 2 plus 2 is. We are happy to announce that Commissar Reeves passed the test by answering 3. She is therefore fully qualified to lead the PSRB in economic matters.

Some of you have noticed a gallows being constructed in the People’s Red Trafalgar Square. Please ignore this and if anyone says anything about it the Stasi Thought Police will make you disappear. Remember comrades, thoughtcrime will not be tolerated in any circumstance.

By orders directly from Supreme Comrade Starmer, no one is to mention the name of Commissar Reeves. Thank you for your cooperation and if you do not cooperate we will delete you from existence as well.

INGSOC NOTICE 54-34443-434–34-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-2-3-2-3-2-33333A-32323B

KAREN BUSTURD, 47, FROM WIGAN, SECTOR 12, WAS TODAY GRANTED 15 GRAMS OF EXTRA CHOCOLATE RATIONS OVER A SIX-YEAR PERIOD AND AWARDED A BOX OF USED CONDOMS FOR REPORTING HER GRANDMOTHER, UNCLE, 13-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, HUSBAND AND HER LOCAL BUTCHER TO STASI THOUGHTCRIME OFFICERS FOR OFFENCES AGAINST THE BIG STATE BY SAYING SUPREME COMRADE STARMER’S NAME IN VAIN. THE CRIMINALS WERE TAKEN AWAY AND DISAPPEARED IN THE EARLY HOURS OF TUESDAY MORNING. REMEMBER COMRADES, IF YOU SEE OR HEAR ANYTHING REPORT IT IMMEDIATELY TO YOUR LOCAL STASI OFFICE.