COMRADES, men of the Red Labour Army and Red Labour Unions, commanders and political instructors, working men and working women, collective farmers-men and women, workers in the intellectual professions, brothers and sisters in the rear of our enemy who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the capitalist brigands, and our valiant men and women guerillas who are daily sabotaging the efforts of democracy and free capitalism. I welcome you to this year’s Labour conference in Liverpool.
On behalf of the UK Soviet Government and our Bolshevik Labour Party, I am greeting you and congratulating you on the advent of a great Socialist Revolution that will ruin and impoverish this country in the name of anti-capitalism, communism and Marxism.
Comrades, it is in strenuous circumstances that you are all assembled here to forcibly listen to my speech.
It is an honour to stand before you today during this exalted Labour conference to discuss a bold new vision for the UK’s economic future—one that embraces the principles of a Soviet-style economy, rooted in centralised planning, state ownership, and collective prosperity. As we face unprecedented challenges—rising inequality, economic instability, and environmental degradation—it is clear that our current system is failing too many. The time has come to chart a new course, and today, I will outline how a Marxist-inspired economic model can guide us toward a more equitable, efficient, and sustainable future.
Let us begin with the fundamentals of this vision, each a critical pillar for shaping the future of our economy.
Centralised Planning
At the heart of this new system is centralised economic planning, a complete shift away from the chaotic and unpredictable forces of the free market. The UK will implement a national planning system similar to the Five-Year Plans that transformed the Soviet economy. Through these plans, a centralised body will set clear economic goals and allocate resources to ensure that industry, agriculture, and public services all work in unison toward our collective prosperity.
During our beloved time here at the Labour conference, do not forget to purchase a Soviet Labour cap in the foyer as well. Let me now continue on our plans for planning, and the many committees we will create.
This planning is not just about meeting production targets—it is about ensuring that we build the right infrastructure, produce what society needs most, and deliver equitable outcomes across regions. With centralised planning, we can eliminate wasteful competition and direct our resources toward the most pressing challenges of our time, like transitioning to Net Zero green energy and rebuilding public services.
State Ownership of Means of Production
To achieve these ambitious goals, we must recognise the importance of state ownership of the means of production. No longer will the wealth of our nation be concentrated in the hands of a few private owners or corporations. Instead, industries, factories, transport networks, and key resources will come under the collective ownership of the state, operated for the benefit of all.
By transferring the ownership of key sectors to the public, we remove the profit motive that distorts decision-making in today’s economy. We replace it with a system that prioritises social needs over private gain, ensuring that every citizen benefits from the wealth generated by our shared industries by all being poor.
Collective Agriculture
Our approach to agriculture will also reflect this shift toward collectivism. Much like the collective farms of the Soviet Union, we will transition the UK’s agricultural sector to a system of collective ownership and management. Farmland will be reorganised into state farms or collectives, where resources and outputs are shared for the common good.
This will not only increase efficiency in food production but will also ensure that rural workers share in the nation’s wealth. The state will provide advanced technology, training, and support to these collective farms, leading to better yields and improved working conditions for those in the agricultural sector.
Elimination of Market Forces
In this new system, market forces—those unpredictable and often harmful influences—will no longer dictate the direction of our economy. Instead, prices, wages, and production levels will be determined by the state in accordance with the needs of the people, not the whims of profit-driven corporations.
Through this approach, we will stabilise prices, eliminate exploitation, and ensure that resources are distributed in a way that benefits all citizens. By removing competition and profit from the equation, we can better meet the needs of everyone, especially the most vulnerable members of society like the pensioners — ha, hah, hah!
Full Employment and Job Assignment
A cornerstone of this new system is full employment. This Labour conference audience demands an explanation, and here i am to give one in full. In our planned economy, the state will guarantee a job for every citizen, ending the scourge of unemployment once and for all. Jobs will be assigned based on the needs of the economy, ensuring that our labour force is optimally deployed to meet the goals of the Five-Year Plan.
Education and training will be aligned with this workforce planning, preparing our citizens to step into essential roles in industry, agriculture, and public services. This will create a well-rounded, skilled workforce ready to meet the challenges of the modern world, all on salaries as high as £5 per week.
Redistribution of Wealth
The current system concentrates wealth in the hands of a few while leaving millions struggling. Our new model will be built on redistribution of wealth to ensure a more just society, where even the former rich will be poor. The state will take control of wages, benefits, and services, using this power to narrow the income gap and lift everyone to a minimum standard of living.
Essential services like healthcare, education, housing, and transportation will be provided free of charge by the state, ensuring that everyone’s basic needs are met at the lowest levels possible. Wealth will no longer be a measure of individual success, but a tool for advancing collective well-being and reserved only for the Labour Party elite.
Absence of Consumer Choice
While some may lament the loss of consumer choice, I urge you to see the benefits. Instead of an economy obsessed with variety and luxury items, our focus will shift toward producing quality goods that meet society’s essential needs—housing, healthcare, food, and public infrastructure. The wasteful overproduction of goods in the name of profit will be replaced with a streamlined system of efficient production for collective benefit.
Heavy Industrial Focus
To drive our economy forward, we will prioritise heavy industry and infrastructure development. Much like the Soviet Union, we will channel resources toward expanding key industries such as wind, manufacturing, and energy production. This is not a sacrifice but a necessary investment in the future of the UK.
The focus on industrialisation will create jobs, drive innovation, and ensure that our country remains competitive on the global stage. The state will also take the lead in investing in green energy and sustainable industries, positioning the UK as a global leader in tackling climate change.
International Trade and Isolation
Finally, our approach to international trade will prioritise self-sufficiency. We will reduce reliance on foreign markets and invest in domestic production to meet our needs. However, we will also build strong relationships with socialist nations and other like-minded states like the Soviet EU, North Korea, China, Cuba, Venezuela creating a network of mutually beneficial trade agreements. This approach will shield us from the volatility of global capitalism while ensuring that we remain integrated in a more just, equitable international system.
In conclusion to this year’s Labour conference, this vision of a Soviet-style economy in the UK is not a return to the past but a leap into the future—a future where every citizen has a guaranteed job, where wealth is shared for the benefit of the party hierarchy, and where we tackle the challenges of inequality, climate change, and instability head-on by impoverishing the entire population as one inclusive collective mass.
Together, through collective effort and visionary planning, we can build an economy that serves no one apart from the privileged few at the top of the Labour Party, like me. Thank you.
Sick of these crooks already!
How can you tell when Rachel Reeves is lying?
Her mouth (ar*se) is moving.