Eating a good pizza can be a life changing spiritual experience. You know when you eat a good pizza, and it’s usually made by an Italian master pizza chef. Of course, not every pizza is made equal, and as much as you can get a wonderful delicious crispy pizza, you can also get an unholy greasy stodgy pizza. For many across the globe, the pizza is definitely classed as a religion because they can be utterly life-changing.
Indeed, many different cultures adhere to the pizza religion in different ways; for example, the Americans like deep dish pizzas with heart attack levels of cheese and grease on their pies. The Brits generally follow what the Americans do, but the Italians are true Pizza Orthodox followers and the originators of this remarkable dish.
The Cathedral of Pizza is located in Naples, Italy, and here, many followers of the pizza religion flock every year to pay their respects to the Saints of Pizza and to be anointed by the Pizza Priests at the Cathedral di Pizza.
“I come here every day to pay my respects and pray to our beloved Pizza of Life, Pizza Messiah, ‘Lord Quattro Stagioni’ he made the best pizza ever made and could even cure illnesses with his pizza,” Giovanni Bertrums, from Tuscany, Italy revealed.
The Holy Quattro Stagioni pizza is preserved and encased in the Cathedral di Pizza where pilgrims flock in their thousands daily to see the religious artefact. In 2021, a man tried to steal the Holy Pizza from its casing but was thankfully arrested before he could take a bite.
According to the Pizza religion’s scriptures, followers are granted an eternity of eating their favourite pizza after they die, but only if they pass the Great Pizza Test when they get to the Pizza Gates of Heaven and adhere to the Ten Commandments of Pizza during their lives on earth.
Holy Pizza Reverend, Dante Formaggi, is today officiating a pizza ceremony to cure a man from his leprosy. The intricate ritual lasts for two and a half hours, and involves four extra large Diavola pizzas with plenty of spicy salami. After eating copious amounts of pizza, the priests listen out for the holy burp as they hold the man down, where his face is slapped five times with a pizza slice. He is then dunked head-first into a tub of marinara sauce.
“It is a miracle of pizza! The man has been cured of his leprosy. Praise the pizza saints who have granted this wonderful miracle to take place today! You have been healed of your leprosy. Before your face looked like pizza, but now you look like a man again. Praise be to the Giver of Pizza our Lord Quattro Stagione,” the reverend proclaimed before eating the last slice of pizza and burping loudly in satisfaction.
I too am a believer. Pizza is the best frickin food everinvented. Praise the Pizza Religion I’m a zealot.