In a world filled with oblivious individuals, there exists a magical land where the enlightened ones roam, armed with an arsenal of buzzwords and a profound ability to spot microaggressions from miles away. Welcome to the realm of being woke, a place where taking offence is an Olympic sport and virtue signalling is the national pastime. Strap on your social justice warrior helmet and get ready for a wild ride as we explore the “wonderful” world of wokeness.
The Early Morning Vigil: Rise and shine, dear reader! One of the greatest perks of being woke is never missing a sunrise because you’ll be up at the crack of dawn, wide-eyed and ready to identify problematic behaviour that triggers you. Your friends may sleep in, but you’ll be busy scanning every social media post, dissecting each sentence for potential offensive crimes against your Marxist PC agenda of woke. It’s like playing detective, except the crime scene is a tweet.
The Holy Hierarchy: Embrace your newfound woke status and ascend the social ladder of identity politics and smug righteousness. Your worth is now determined by your ability to recite the ever-expanding glossary of politically correct terms. Congratulations! You now have the power to make your less enlightened friends feel inferior as they struggle to keep up with your superior vocabulary that George Orwell would have been proud of whilst writing his book — 1984.
The Thrill of the Virtue Signal: Move over, adrenaline junkies! The real thrill-seekers can be found in the land of wokeness. Get ready to post those social media updates that let everyone know just how morally superior you are. Nothing beats the exhilaration of racking up those likes and shares as you bask in the glory of your virtue signalling prowess.
The Fashion of the Future: Being woke isn’t just about ideology; it’s about fashion too! Say goodbye to trendy brands and hello to the world of sustainable, ethically sourced, organic, gluten-free, carbon-neutral trendy brands. With every purchase, you can smugly inform others about how your socks are saving the planet, one step at a time.
The Art of Conversations: Prepare yourself for ‘stimulating’ conversations filled with constant correction and the thrill of proving someone wrong. Engaging in debate is like a game of chess, except you’re always the queen, and everyone else is just a pawn. Remember, it’s not about finding common ground; it’s about asserting your superior indoctrinated woke salad dominance.
The Guilt-Free Guilt-Trips: Feeling down? Worry not! As a card-carrying woke individual, you have an endless supply of guilt at your disposal. Whenever you need a pick-me-up, simply reminisce about your ancestor’s questionable choices or the impact of your breakfast cereal on global warming. Guilt-tripping yourself has never been more empowering! Congratulate yourself because you feel shame, unlike the hypocritical Meghan Markle and Harry, who jet around the world in private jets whilst preaching about sustainable travel and carbon emissions.
The Memes, Oh the Memes: The internet is a goldmine for woke enthusiasts. From meme-worthy moments to cringe-inducing tweets, the digital realm is your playground. Embrace the laughter as you share and retweet, safe in the knowledge that your witty meme is changing the world, one chuckle at a time.
You’re Cancelled, and so are They: Where would the woke be without that ultimate power to completely erase individuals or history purely on a woke whim. Suspect your next-door-neighbour or even your own brother and sister are not woke, and have said bad things about your communistic ideology. Boom! They’re cancelled and what’s more, you will gain great praises on social media when you go on to brag about ratting them out.
