17.7 C
London
Thursday, November 21, 2024
secret satire society
HomeWorldHeatwave: Essex Woman Who Singed Her Buttocks Hospitalised

Heatwave: Essex Woman Who Singed Her Buttocks Hospitalised

BASILDON - England - A woman who singed her buttocks during Britain's hottest heatwave was hospitalised.

An Essex woman was in hospital today where she will lie face down for the next three months after singing her buttocks when she sat on a metal park bench during Britain’s hottest heatwave, the Daily Mail exclusive reports.

Marie Gomper, 23, from Basildon, Essex, thought she would enjoy the hottest day ever recorded in Britain by chilling in the park.

“I thot a would top up me fake tan a bit. They ‘ave metal benches in our local park and I was wearing a short dress fo’ da lads, innit. I ‘ad me fish ‘n’ chips put me bum on the seat. Fuckin’ ‘ell bruv! It was like stickin’ me arse cheeks into a vindaloo curry on a Friday night. Me mate, Lizzy then called the ambulance as I couldn’t walk. It took four hours for them to turn up! Me singed butt cheeks was in bleedin’ agony, innit!”

Doctors at Basildon General Hospital revealed that Ms Gomper received third degree burns on both of her buttocks and urge people not to sit on metal park benches during any 45 degree heatwave.

Meanwhile, Basildon council officials did not return calls when asked about the buttock burning park benches.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!