Reading the Daily Mail Can give You Eyeball Cancer

SCUNTHORPE - England - Eyeball cancer cases caused by reading the Daily Mail newspaper have risen above 650,000 a year for the first time, figures revealed today.

Britain’s premier Cancer Institute has attributed the increase to rising rates of masochists and Middle England housewives who punish themselves every day by reading the Daily Mail either on paper or the internet and are especially susceptible to contracting high-risk strains of the eyeball transmitted cancer.

“Every time you read a Daily Mail article or look at a headline, even for a few seconds, you are permanently damaging your eyeballs and your thought processes are diminished to that of a bowl of jelly,” one of the experts in the study told the Daily Mail.

Up to eight in 10 Britons who read the Daily Mail have symptoms of severe eyeball cancer and have to receive radiotherapy on their eyeballs.

Just a few newspapers cause problems, but one in particular, the Daily Mail, is known to cause cell changes which could develop into eyeball cancer.

“It’s not just your eyeballs that contract cancer when you read the Daily Mail, it’s your brain that slowly rots away and you get the fear. Reading the Daily Mail results in Cruel World Syndrome where everything and everyone around you is perceived as dangerous and evil,” the expert added.

There is hope though, if you feel the excruciating need to even glance at a Daily Mail headline, as long as you avert your eyes and look at something else before twenty seconds passes, you will be fine.

“Luckily I was saved, I didn’t have to have my eyeballs removed after seeing the Daily Mail in a news stand last week. Because I immediately averted my eyes and instead looked at an elderly homeless man defecating in a bus stop. Anything to avert eyeball cancer brought on by the Daily Mail,” a relieved London commuter revealed on Friday.

Daily Squib Book

DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
Disqus Comments Loading...
Share
Published by

Recent Posts

Tories Choose Non-Hardline Diversity Candidate Kemi Badenoch as Next Leader

LONDON - England - The Tories have chosen Kemi Badenoch as their new leader.

5 hours ago

The Dekulakization of British Farms is Underway

THE COUNTRYSIDE - England - Say goodbye to British farms as Labour conducts a policy…

12 hours ago

Early Votes Indicate Kamala Harris Will Win Election

WASHINGTON DC - USA - Kamala Harris is well ahead with early ballots counted, and…

1 day ago

Kamala Harris Wants to Do Rally With Load of Garbage

MILWAUKEE - USA - The Kamala Harris election campaign team want her to do a…

2 days ago

Bond Markets Digest the Nightmare Debt Bomb Labour Budget

LONDON - England - The financial and bond markets have sadly digested the utter lies…

3 days ago

Biden Hate Speech: “Trump Supporters Are Garbage!”

WASHINGTON DC - USA - According to Joe Biden "Trump supporters are garbage" as he…

3 days ago

This website uses cookies.