World

Socialist U.S. Politician Hospitalised After Face Splits During Speech

WASHINGTON D.C. - USA - Socialist activist politician, Ocasio-Cortez has succumbed to a terrible face-splitting injury during a speech today and has been hospitalised in an area hospital.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who recently hailed great success by being elected to Congress, was hospitalised to a Washington area hospital after her face split during a speech today.

“The poor girl was speaking so fast and with such Marxist vitriol that we witnessed her facial skin stretching wider and wider. At first I thought it was an illusion but there was an audible popping sound as the skin gave way on her face literally splitting in half,” Jim Acosta, CNN reporter at the rally revealed.

Dermatologist, Nancy Fethering, watched the footage of the facial horror show and was intrigued by the nasty event.

“I’ve never seen skin split so perfectly. She must have a medical deficiency in certain vitamin intake to have it split, then flop to each side like that. My guess is that she has extremely powerful facial muscles that when stretched to such extremities pulled the skin from her face. Watching this actually brought up a little sick in my mouth.”

When Ocasio-Cortez’s skin snapped, a few gusts of wintery D.C. wind blew making the skin flaps flap into the microphone. Revellers were then regaled with the sound of flapping skin and a disgusting squelching sound as Cortez tried to put her face back together again.

“I saw some people fainting. One lady projectile vomited onto a bald man’s head in front of her, and another woman in the audience started screaming so loud it could be heard in the White House,” a traumatised Democrat revealed.

Luckily Ocasio-Cortez will make a full recovery after being admitted at an area hospital, where surgeons revealed they will simply staple the skin flaps back together again.

“We’s aksing our patient, Ocasio-Cortez to not get so god damned excited during her mufuggin’ political speeches denouncing capitalism, democracy, whitey and America. If she stretches her face further not only will the staples blow out, yo, but her whole damn Sandinista face will flop forward and just fall the fuck off, bitch needs to calm her Puerto ass down!” Resident surgeon, Wakanda Johnsons III Esq. MD, told CNN.

Daily Squib Book

DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
Disqus Comments Loading...
Share
Published by

Recent Posts

Tories Choose Non-Hardline Diversity Candidate Kemi Badenoch as Next Leader

LONDON - England - The Tories have chosen Kemi Badenoch as their new leader.

5 hours ago

The Dekulakization of British Farms is Underway

THE COUNTRYSIDE - England - Say goodbye to British farms as Labour conducts a policy…

12 hours ago

Early Votes Indicate Kamala Harris Will Win Election

WASHINGTON DC - USA - Kamala Harris is well ahead with early ballots counted, and…

1 day ago

Kamala Harris Wants to Do Rally With Load of Garbage

MILWAUKEE - USA - The Kamala Harris election campaign team want her to do a…

2 days ago

Bond Markets Digest the Nightmare Debt Bomb Labour Budget

LONDON - England - The financial and bond markets have sadly digested the utter lies…

3 days ago

Biden Hate Speech: “Trump Supporters Are Garbage!”

WASHINGTON DC - USA - According to Joe Biden "Trump supporters are garbage" as he…

3 days ago

This website uses cookies.