World

The Queen Opens Personal Facebook Account

BALMORAL - Scotland - Her majesty the Queen has opened a Facebook account.

In a rare interview at Balmoral Castle, the Queen has told the BBC “social media is a culture of the modern world and plays a fundamental role in the ever-expanding powers of communication.”

“One has taken the opportunity to connect with ones subjects in Great Britain and the common people worldwide, by opening ones very own personal Facebook account under the profile name ‘queen’.

“One decided to increase ones popularity by being over-complimentary. One of my Facebook ‘friends’ posted a picture of their dog on their timeline, so I typed the comment ‘ah too cute for words’. The owner of the dog was delighted with ones admiration for their pet, even though the filthy fat creature was so ugly one wasn’t sure if one was looking at its face or its actual asshole.

“One also credited one of ones friends’ children’s achievements. They posted the good news that their kids had passed the twelve yard swimming test, so I typed the over-congratulatory comment ‘well done little angels, you’re so brave, you’ll be swimming the English channel soon.’ This phoney gesture pleased ones ‘friend’, though one couldn’t give a rat’s ass about someone else’s kid’s swimming test. One has actually fallen further than twelve yards down the palace stairs after a night on the gin.

“One posted one of those ready-made pearls of wisdom quotes on my timeline. It said ‘love hurts, but unless you truly realise the pain of love you will never appreciate what love is’. Utter shit of course, but it gained one some ‘likes’ on ones timeline.

“One tried to appear helpful to the Facebook readers. One of my ‘friends’ posted a request on their timeline ‘does anybody have a spare lawn mower I can use? – mine’s broken’. One responded with the seemingly heroic but completely useless gesture (which is prevalent on Facebook) – ‘well I know a clay pigeon shooter in Scotland whose brother owns a large pair of tweezers – if that’s any help?’.”

Daily Squib Book

DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
Disqus Comments Loading...
Share
Published by

Recent Posts

Tories Choose Non-Hardline Diversity Candidate Kemi Badenoch as Next Leader

LONDON - England - The Tories have chosen Kemi Badenoch as their new leader.

5 hours ago

The Dekulakization of British Farms is Underway

THE COUNTRYSIDE - England - Say goodbye to British farms as Labour conducts a policy…

12 hours ago

Early Votes Indicate Kamala Harris Will Win Election

WASHINGTON DC - USA - Kamala Harris is well ahead with early ballots counted, and…

1 day ago

Kamala Harris Wants to Do Rally With Load of Garbage

MILWAUKEE - USA - The Kamala Harris election campaign team want her to do a…

2 days ago

Bond Markets Digest the Nightmare Debt Bomb Labour Budget

LONDON - England - The financial and bond markets have sadly digested the utter lies…

3 days ago

Biden Hate Speech: “Trump Supporters Are Garbage!”

WASHINGTON DC - USA - According to Joe Biden "Trump supporters are garbage" as he…

3 days ago

This website uses cookies.