Virginia Tech Graduate Doesn't Go on Shooting Spree

VIRGINIA - USA - Americans were in shock today after it was revealed a Virginia Tech graduate did not commit a mass shooting atrocity.

The oddball ex-student has settled down to a quiet life as a trainee chemist in a provincial town's drug store.

“George Herring graduated from Virginia Tech last year and has settled into his job as a junior chemist in a provincial town somewhere in the Midwest. It’s quite amazing because he hasn’t yet snapped and gone on a shooting orgy of violence like all the other students,” professor Arnold Geitner, told a university panel.

All of this week there have been media reports all over the American press about this astounding feat.

“Any channel you turn to, you will see pics of this guy. He didn’t do the American thing and go haywire, get some guns and start shooting. This guy actually graduated from his course then got a job. It’s like some kind of wacky dream or something. The media have been putting out this story on permanent f*cking loop all week,” Ray Bundoni, a Virginia Tech student who is incarcerated in a maximum security prison in Montana for a shooting spree four years ago, told CNN.

“I always knew Herring was an oddball because he was never down in the shooting range perfecting his aim. He never carried spare magazines or gun cleaning oil. I also once saw him with a friend. How sick is that?” another ex Virginia Tech student told CNN from behind locked doors in a Nebraska State Penitentiary.

Virginia Tech prides itself in its record for turning out well seasoned shooters and released a brief statement today: “We abhor the news that one of our graduates actually got a job and is living a well adjusted life in a small provincial town out in the middle of nowhere. We reckon the clock is ticking and he won’t last for long. Our training has ensured that he will snap one of these days, you know like our most famous students, Seung-Hui Cho and the Fort Hood dude, Major Nidal Malik Hasan.”