The unelected leader, Comrade Brown, who was in the middle of selling off more state assets to fund huge state losses caused by his policies, warned the people via televisual address of the impending danger of democracy looming over the horizon.
“Comrades, brave Bolshevik warriors, hero postmen, peoples union leaders, commissars and our beloved Stasi politburo. We are coming through a time of great Soviet change. The recession caused by my idiotic, wasteful, atrociously irresponsible decisions and the crisis of trust in our Soviet politics have tested our Soviet British State. The view from where I stand is not of a Britain that is broken, but of a Britain that is ready to bounce back even further into the sewer with my superior leadership skills.
“Nowhere is the resilient Soviet British spirit found more strongly than among our armed forces, fighting bravely in Eurasia to preserve oil pipeline networks so that the Soviet British energy needs are met.
“They are an inspiration to us all and we honour their courage as they are blown to bits daily for nothing.
“Comrades, At our conference last week, we set out an ambitious set of new policies.
“A new politics – reforming our institutions by selling off everything of value, taking away more peoples freedoms, ruining more peoples lives with increased taxation and less employment.
“A
new broken society – with new guarantees for early death after a diagnosis of cancer on the NHS;
delivering earlier indoctrination ages for children and earlier liquidation of the elderly; and taking less action on anti-social behaviour by increasing police paperwork and decreasing sentences. And most importantly, an old Labourite economy of enriched failure, poverty, riots, social horror – to help British families and businesses rot away faster, not just get by rotting slowly.
“I have seen
how unemployment wrecks communities. And this is why I am making sure there is less and less employment for everyone and an increase in poverty, taxation, sheer uselessness of government policy and utter hopelessness.
“Ask most independent experts and they will tell you that the action we have taken is working in destroying Britain’s economy, culture, industry and families.
“The action Britain has taken has helped create 4.5 million unemployment placements.
“This
action costs money. But the alternative – to do something – would cost the controlling socialist hierarchy even more.
“Once
we have secured the non recovery, we will cut back the deficit of £30 Trillion by introducing more work houses and gulags.
“Beware of the threat of democracy rising over the horizon my dearest comrades.
“At every turn, the Conservative economic plan has shown up their misjudgment and inexperience. They are nowhere as good at ruining the economy as us. They are nowhere near at corrupting hard fought freedoms for slavery and injustice. They are nowhere as good as us at increasing crime statistics so high that violent crime is now a part of daily life.
“It is easy to talk about
change and we talk about it constantly while bringing the British soviet people into further enslavement and brainwashing. That’s
how Labour brought about the creation of the NHS and the minimum wage.
That’s how I have overcome every challenge in my life.
“I know
the British people will not be fooled. Our Soviet nation’s instinct is to know
if something’s phoney when we hear it, to side with fairness and
responsibility, and to root for those who have the backbone to stand up
for their beliefs but not elections. That is why you will believe everything I tell you without question and vote for me again in the unelection which will probably never take place in any of your lifetimes.
“I leave you all with a great quote from my mentor: “The people who cast the votes don’t decide an election, the people who count the votes do.”
A Real News Article – If more of us read the Daily Squib, we would better understand the real stories behind the news.
If you like satire, then stick with the London Times.