World

Kelly Osbourne Hospitalises Twink Boyfriend

LOS ANGELES - USA - Kelly Osbourne's boyfriend, Luke Squirrel, has been hospitalised after he was severely injured in a freak bed accident last night.

According to Hollywood sources, Kelly Osbourne’s boyfriend suffered multiple broken bones and internal injuries when Kelly Osbourne accidentally rolled over in bed and crushed his body.

“The boy only has a very slight frame, so when Kelly rolled over in bed during her sleep she did not realise what she was doing. It was only when the maid came to clean the room in the morning that Mr Squirrel was discovered passed out underneath Ms Osbourne. He was immediately airlifted to Cedars Sinai Hospital for immediate emergency treatment,” Ms Osbourne’s spokesman told ABC news.

Mr Squirrel is still in Intensive Care with over 15 broken bones, a crushed torso resulting in extensive kidney and liver damage and a cracked pelvis.

Doctors at Cedars Sinai have revealed that Mr Squirrel is still in traction and may be in hospital for the next three months depending on how he responds to treatment.

Kelly Osbourne made a brief statement at the hospital today: “We’ve been going out for a f*cking year now and I can’t f*cking believe my f*cking luck. This is the third motherf*cking time I’ve crushed Luke. This is getting f*cking old now innit? I might have to dump the little sh*t and get my stupid f*cking parents pay to get a new f*cking model.”

The couple were due to marry in two months time but may have to postpone now due to the current unfortunate circumstances.

Daily Squib Book

DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
Disqus Comments Loading...
Share
Published by

Recent Posts

Comrades, We Wish 760,000 Pensioners a Merry Freezing Christmas Death

GRIMSBY - England - The People's Soviet Republic of Britain and Labour Party are hoping…

11 hours ago

Beyond Satire: ‘Anti-Islamist’ Saudi Ploughs Car Through German Christmas Market

MAGDEBURG - Germany - Another beyond satire moment where an Arab migrant doctor who claims…

2 days ago

Lord Mandy Sent By Starmer to Washington to Thwart Trump

LONDON - England - Lord Mandy is being sent by Starmer to Washington to keep…

3 days ago

COVER-UP: Daily Squib Knew Biden Was Senile and Unfit Before 2020

LONDON - England - What the mainstream media is reporting today, the Daily Squib knew…

3 days ago

Why Eco and Green Groups Are Silent Over Labour Plans to Bulldoze Protected Countryside

THE COUNTRYSIDE - England - It is rather funny that the eco and green groups…

4 days ago

Pensioners Are Freezing This Christmas Thanks to Starmer and Reeves

SCUNTHORPE - England - The evil Labour Party and Keir Starmer are laughing with glee…

4 days ago

This website uses cookies.