Not content with the thousands of taxes heaped on the British proletariat and bourgeois classes, Comrade Gordon Brown, our supreme unelected commander in chief and people’s champion, has announced a new tax — this time on sleeping citizens.
“Our great state needs more taxation and we thought about this long and hard. What do citizens do at night? Yes, they sleep. Therefore, we can make our citizens work for the state better by making them pay for their sleep,” a jubilant official at the state tax office announced on Tuesday.
Comrade Brown who does not sleep at all and therefore is exempt from ‘Sleep Tax’ announced at the Westminster Duma yesterday his wonderful proposals to tax sleeping citizens and how the new tax will be enforced:
“The new stealth tax I have proposed for everyone in the United Soviet State of Britain will put every citizen to good use when they are at their most lazy. We cannot have these citizens sleeping and not paying for the hard-working Labour government. We do not like lazy comrades or citizens of the one-party state who do not pay for their way. Therefore, comrades and workers, I shall put into place immediately a sleep tax where every person will be charged for the hours they sleep. In due course we will also tax your pets and any other animals you may own as well, goldfish are not exempt either. I have appointed a new Sleep Tax Tsar – Commissar for Sleep Tax, Ed Balls.” (Continuous cries from the duma: “Long live great Brown, Hurrah!” “Hurrah for Comrade Brown, the creator of the Soviet Constitution, the most democratic in the world!” “Long live Comrade Brown, leader of the oppressed throughout the world, Hurrah!” )
Sleep Tax Enforcement
The new Eyelid Stealth Tax Directive will be implemented next month and all citizens will have to have eyelid sensors surgically installed. There will be a small charge of £450 per citizen for the costs. Sleep Taxation will commence the following day after the eyelid surgery.
Sleep Tax will be charged at £13 per hour for citizens over the age of 15. There will be a generous Sleep Tax discount for children and they will only be charged £12.50 per hour.
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| Sleep tight comrades, pleasant dreams.. |
Citizens should be pleased to know that the new Sleep Tax will help the state pay for more useless policies and budget blackholes replete with unnecessary bureaucracy, cronyism and waste.
The Soviet State of Britain under Comrade Brown will also reward citizens next month with an additional 2 pence hike on fuel tax . For every £1 spent on the pumps 75 pence will now go to the state. Stasi Councils will also be increasing their council snooping taxes as well as tax on workers’ income and National Insurance. Tax on goods will also increase and eco-taxes will be increasing as well. A new motor tax will also be introduced so that motorists can help the environment by paying more taxes to the state. A further tax on flights in and out of Britain and passport ID tax will be implemented soon.
Citizens are warned that any attempt to tamper with the new Sleep Tax system will result in severe punishment. Any attempt at holding eyelids open during sleep or the use of matchsticks to keep eyes open so as not to pay Sleep Tax will be detected and reported resulting in re-education at an eco-gulag.
Sleep well comrades.
Long Live Comrade Brown and the Labour Party INGSOCK Notice: B34532
Tread softly citizens. Remember Comrade Brown has Captain Britain as an ally.