Murray to Gain Independence From Winning Wimbledon

“To tell you the truth, I’ve had enough of it. This losing lark has made me really angry, and I have an irresistible urge to paint my face blue and gain Independence from Wimbledon,” Murray said as he wiped a tear from his eye at Wimbledon today.

Murray plans on making his own tournament away from Wimbledon, where there are no Swiss tennis geniuses like Federer around.

“It’s going to be a new competition where I will win the cup every time. In order for that to happen, I will need to be the only contestant and I will be playing against a brick wall with a painted line on it to denote the net,” Murray revealed.

The new tournament will only have one line judge and will always give the decision to Murray.

“If Murray loses the tournament, he will be British. If he wins, well, you can guess what nationality he will be then,” line judge, Alex Salmond, told the BBC.