Ed Balls Loses Testicles in Terrible Football Accident

SCUNTHORPE - England - Labour politician, Ed Balls, has lost both testicles in a horrendous football injury, his office has reported.

Mr Balls was playing 5-a-side football at a Labour party conference match when he tried to kick the ball. Both of his testicles were caught in the seam of his shorts and detached from his body. Ambulance crews were on the scene within minutes to stretcher Balls off the pitch, and a ball boy was recruited to try and locate Mr Balls’ balls.

“We found them near the penalty area, obviously he punted them halfway up the pitch. Poor bastard, I was about to offside him as well but after that I let him go. I figured he’s got worse things to worry about now, innit,” the game’s referee, Gerard Motherwell, told the Sun newspaper.

Surgeons were not able to disclose whether Mr Balls’ testicles will be able to be sewn back on and have remained silent about the terrible injury.

Mr Balls who is in a critical but stable condition at Scunthorpe General Hospital made no comment about the injury, but it is assumed he will resume his role as shadow chancellor as soon as he makes a recovery in a week or so.

Daily Squib Book

DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
Disqus Comments Loading...
Share
Published by
Tags: labour

Recent Posts

Beyond Satire: The Onion Buys Infowars

TEXAS - USA - According to reports, corporate entity, The Onion, has acquired the Infowars…

1 hour ago

Crazy Woke Leftists Told to “Identify” As if Kamala Won Election

PORTLAND - USA - A renowned therapist is helping many crazy, woke leftists by telling…

2 days ago

“I Will Cripple You!” British Farmers Need to Follow US Dockworkers Technique

THE COUNTRYSIDE - England - What have British farmers got to lose now when Labour…

2 days ago

RITA BOOKE: Why Young Gen Z Fans Like Me Are Swooning Over the Daily Squib Anthology?

NORFOLK - England - Why are Gen Z fans swooning and fainting over the Daily…

2 days ago

Anti-Business Rachel Reeves Causes Shops to Close Early and Fire Staff

SCUNTHORPE - England - Anti-business Chancellor Rachel Reeves condemns shops and businesses to close early,…

3 days ago

Never Forget the Fallen on Remembrance Sunday

LONDON - England - Today we remember and honour the fallen in successive military campaigns…

4 days ago

This website uses cookies.