Stephen Hawking Signs Up to Universal Credit

LONDON - England - Iconic scientist, Stephen Hawking has signed up to the new Universal Credit benefits initiative brought in by the government today.

“As a consequence of the theory of quantum mechanics, events in the past that were not directly observed did not happen in a definite way. Instead they happened in all possible ways. Therefore when I signed on to the government’s Universal Credit scheme, this related to the probabilistic nature of matter and energy revealed by quantum mechanics. Unless forced to choose a particular probable state by direct interference from an outside observation I may have signed on in an alternate universe or may not have thus leaving my signing on to hover in a state of uncertainty,” Mr Hawking said from his wheelchair in the Benefits office in Hampstead, North London.

Baffled Job Centre staff did not know how to take the scientist’s theories so they just wheeled him out onto the street and left him there.

The scientist added: “If a man travels from point A to point B, then it is not true that the man took a definite path to the Job Centre Plus office. Rather, that man simultaneously took every possible path connecting the two points and succeeded in getting to the Benefits office to sign on for the government’s new Universal Credit scheme. Of course, he may have been swallowed up by a black hole on the way.”

Daily Squib Book

DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
Disqus Comments Loading...
Share
Tags: benefitsuk

Recent Posts

The Dekulakization of British Farms is Underway

THE COUNTRYSIDE - England - Say goodbye to British farms as Labour conducts a policy…

2 hours ago

Early Votes Indicate Kamala Harris Will Win Election

WASHINGTON DC - USA - Kamala Harris is well ahead with early ballots counted, and…

20 hours ago

Kamala Harris Wants to Do Rally With Load of Garbage

MILWAUKEE - USA - The Kamala Harris election campaign team want her to do a…

1 day ago

Bond Markets Digest the Nightmare Debt Bomb Labour Budget

LONDON - England - The financial and bond markets have sadly digested the utter lies…

3 days ago

Biden Hate Speech: “Trump Supporters Are Garbage!”

WASHINGTON DC - USA - According to Joe Biden "Trump supporters are garbage" as he…

3 days ago

Labour Nightmare Budget: You Voted For This So Enjoy It

MANCHESTER - England - The people who voted for Labour should enjoy every moment of…

3 days ago

This website uses cookies.