When There's No More Room in Hell the Dead Shall Walk the Earth

You just woke up in a cold sweat, no, you weren’t dreaming when you thought you saw news stories about flesh eating zombies in America, these are all real occurrences and things could get a lot worse soon.

“This could be a government experiment gone wrong. Shit, Florida state could be like something out of Resident Evil or a George A. Romero movie. Hell, I’ve seen some towns that look exactly like Raccoon City. You just need to shoot them in the head, that’s the only way to stop them,” Thomas Savini, a resident of Dodge Ville, in Tampa, Florida told the Tampa Argus newspaper.

First came Miami, when a crazed naked man ate a homeless man’s face, nose and ears up while horrified onlookers gawped at the incident in terror. Then a Texan mother killed her newborn baby, eating part of his brain and biting off three of his toes. Then in Maryland, a college student killed his roommate , eating his heart and part of his brains.

New Jersey, was the site of another incident where a man stabbed himself over 50 times then threw bits of his intestines at dismayed police officers. Even after pepper spraying him and tasering him countless times, it took twelve officers to subdue the man. Most recently, a Louisiana man, Carl Jacquneaux, ate part of a man’s cheek during a robbery before being finally being handcuffed by the police, and on Saturday, a homeless North Miami Beach man threatened to eat police officers who told the man to stop harassing customers at a local market.

The Center For Disease Control (CDC) have refuted the rumours and news reports that a zombie apocalypse is on the way, but can we really be sure about that?

Scientists at Bradford Ingles University in Alabama have found that with certain engineered airborne viruses, the primal R-Complex in the brain can be activated. This is the most base primal part of the brain which only deals with survival and food. It is no wonder that these individuals are chomping away, because it is their survival instinct being activated by something.

There are further triggers for this cannibalistic behaviour and the daily news of economic meltdowns worldwide do not help in any circumstances as the internet age has made the spread of news instantaneous around the globe.

Some people have even speculated that the disease is related to African Americans because they’re mostly the only ones committing these acts of cannibalism.

However, scientists have been quick to refute the fact it is an act only constrained amongst the African American populations.

Professor Harkin of Jonestown University, said at a recent press conference: “All the cannibals who ate people’s faces and flesh were of African origin. Although we have looked at the many variables into these incidents, we cannot emphatically be 100% sure that it is something that only African Americans do, until we have more cases similar to the ones we have already had, we should not jump the gun. There are many tribes in Africa who used to partake in cannibalistic rituals and lifestyles, but as of today, we do not think they practice anymore. This cannibalism outbreak could affect many people of different racial backgrounds, so we need to stay calm people. These are also not technically zombies, because the people eating other people are still alive themselves, if they were undead, then they would be called zombies, but otherwise they’re alive.”

The CDC is looking into ways of counteracting the latest outbreaks of cannibalism within America, and will come up with a new study on the subject by July.

President Obama was also quick to point out that these were only minor incidents and at the slightest sign of an outbreak he was going to be taken down into the bunker underneath the White House quicker than ex-glamour model, Katie Price, takes her knickers off in a nightclub toilet cubicle.