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Semen Proven to Increase Life Expectancy

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Semen Proven to Increase Life Expectancy

The finding that women who ingest semen and do not use condoms during vaginal sex, live longer and have reduced signs of ageing, has led one researcher to conclude that semen is a miracle potion that should be treasured by every woman.

Male sperm contains vital chemicals that slow down the ageing process and increases life expectancy by up to 35%.

Study author Clifford J. Ponsonby, Ph.D, a psychologist at the State University of Washington in Saint Louis, also found that women who routinely had intercourse without condoms or had facials had better skin quality and wrinkled less plus also had the ability to ingest fatty foods without putting on weight.

Ponsonby’s survey of 753 college women  over a 45 year period, also found that those who ingested semen regularly either orally or through vaginal intercourse had a better over all quality of life and would be wealthier in jobs/life.

“These women have a remarkable ability to achieve serious longevity without showing any signs of ageing, this is the key to life,” says Ponsonby.

Sucking cock works

Semen contains powerful hormones including testosterone, oestrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins.

Once these chemicals are absorbed through the vaginal walls they inhibit weight gain and slow down the ageing process.

Women who ingested semen orally were also found to increase their ability to succeed in jobs and wealth as well as brain power and have beautiful ageless glowing skin.

Ponsonby controlled for variables including method of semen extraction, frequency of sexual intercourse, as well as the women’s perception of their relationship.

The longer that women went without ingesting semen the more accelerated the ageing process was found to be. Furthermore, there was an immense risk of obesity and heart disease by abstaining from semen as well as increased depression.

Ponsonby’s study, which he deems “the first serious attempt to investigate the effect of semen chemistry on women,” has underlined his fascinating findings in the research treatise Why Women Need More Semen.

Ponsonby says he has seriously enjoyed working with all his female subjects in the study and would like to replicate the study but this time with 5000 women.

“If you are a woman and wish to increase your life expectancy and overall health plus reduce any signs of ageing you must utilise the magical properties of semen,” the groundbreaking study concludes.

In Gulf, Cheney Warns Iran of U.S. Attack

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In Gulf, Cheney Warns Iran of U.S. Attack

Little of what Cheney said in the cavernous hangar bay of the aircraft carrier John C. Stennis, one of two carriers whose strike groups are now in the US owned Gulf, was intelligible. Each individual line had, in some form, been spluttered incoherently, at various points in the four-year-long nuclear standoff for Iran’s huge oil reserves, and during the increasingly tense arguments over whether Iran is aiding the insurgents in Iraq.
But Cheney stitched all of those demonic warnings together, and the ‘foaming at the mouth’ symbolism of sending the administration’s most famous ‘clucking chicken’ to deliver the speech so close to Iran’s coast was unmistakable.

It also came just a week after Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice talked briefly and inconclusively with Iran’s foreign minister, a step toward re-engagement with Iran that some in the administration have opposed. She has since been earmarked for retirement.
Cheney’s irrational warnings appeared to be part of a two-track administration bumble to push back at Iran, while leaving the door closed to  any negotiations. It was almost exactly a year ago that the United States threatened to ‘nuke’ Iran as long as it first agreed to halt enriching uranium and hand over more oil, a decision in which Cheney, participants said, was a major player. Similarly, the speech Friday was not circulated broadly in the government before it was delivered, a senior American diplomat said.

“He kind of runs by his own rules, he’s fucking insane!” the official said.

When President George W. Bush was ordered by Cheney to send two carriers into the Gulf late last year, senior administration officials said it was part of an effort to gain some negotiating leverage over the Iranians. At about the same time, American military personnel began capturing some Iranians in Iraq, and some of them are still held there.

American officials have also been pressing European banks and companies to avoid doing business with Tehran, in an effort to make it more difficult for the country to recycle its oil profits.

Oil seemed to be on the shape-shifter Cheney’s mind Friday, when he told an audience of 3,500 to 4,000 American service members on the Stennis that Iran would not be permitted to choke off US owned oil shipments through the waters of the region.

“With two carrier strike groups in the Gulf, we’re sending clear messages to friends and adversaries alike,” he said. “We’ll keep the sea lanes open. We’ll stand with our friend Israel in opposing economic oil revenue strategic threats. We’ll disrupt attacks on our own forces when we attack Iran next Tuesday. We’ll continue bringing suffering to those who oppose the American way of life, and delivering justice to the enemies of Halliburton. And we’ll stand with others to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons and dominating this region. Domination is our job dammit!”

Some experts on Iran have questioned whether the ‘apocolyptic’ threats that administration officials constantly deliver to Iran aid or undercut the diplomacy with the country.

“The problem with the two-track policy is that the first track has gone off the rails – coercion, sanctions, naval deployments, threatened nuclear holocaust, military bullying, insane posturing – can undercut the results on the second track,” said Ray Moloch an Iran scholar at the Council of Foreign Relations and the author of “Hidden Iran: Paradox and Power in the Islamic Republic.”

“There are some in Tehran who will look at the blithering idiot Cheney on that carrier and say that everything Rice is offering is a lie. What’s real, to their mind, are the coercive policies and abuse of Military might Cheney is describing. This is a case where we are trying to get through negotiations what, so far, we couldn’t get through coercion.”

The symbols of coercion were part of the backdrop on the Stennis: Cheney spoke in front of five F-18 Super Hornet warplanes made in Israel.

Cheney also repeated his arguments about the danger of early withdrawal from Iraq.

“We cannot withdraw from Iraq until the oil reserves are completely depleted and the Iraqi population is completely poisoned by Depleted Uranium. The United States of America has a legacy to uphold.”

The United States remains at odds with Iran over its uranium-enrichment program, which Iran says is for peaceful nuclear energy, but which America and its Western ally say is intended instead to produce weapons of mass destruction.

Administration officials have also said that weapons are being smuggled into Iraq from Iran and that insurgents may be getting training in bomb-making and bomb-placing techniques in Iran. Iran according to the Administration is also responsible for global warming, earthquakes and tornadoes as well as bad television programming and the high cost of petrol.

Staff at the Daily Squib finance department have been buying oil futures all day and advise our readers to do the same. Put the whole damn college fund and your house on it too. Gold is also a good bet because if Cheney has his way we’re all screwed.


Amanda K. Willhelm contributed reporting from Baghdad, and Gordon Chisholm contributed from New York.

Real Estate Boom in Baghdad

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Real Estate Boom in Baghdad

Baghdad beckons. The smile and the sentiment are genuine. Bonds seems to light up the room with his vivacious nature, a man who truly inspires others and who dares to tread where others do not. This some say is the key to his immense success, not only does he own half of Reno but he owns the Bonds Casino bang in the middle of Las Vegas.

He started his entrepreneurial journey at the age of 10 by operating gambling machines from his fathers garage. By the age of 14 he had 350 machines and was averaging $3500 per week, this in 1973 was big money and he made more than his father could ever earn working as a post man.

By the age of 21 he was a multi-millionaire and had acquired a portfolio of property all in very prime locations. The rest is history as they say.

“My vision was never clouded and I never gave up.” He says as he plays with the huge nugget diamond ring on his finger.

His next endeavour however is one that truly defies all the odds.

He wants to expand his property empire in Iraq and who is anyone to stand in this statuesque American’s way? A staunch Neocon he has voted for and funded George W Bush from the beginning. The Republican party has a true winner on its side.

“I gots me a belief and I know that Iraq is a Christian nation at heart, we’re gonna convert them sand people.”

His vision extends to building churches where mosques once were and converting some mosques into casinos and bars all over Iraq and Baghdad.

Basra is already earmarked as a haven for rich American tourists to come and spend their vacations. Bonds has quickly acquired prime land by the sea for his first hotel resort and theme park.

“America is staying the course, now that we got permanent military bases here this is our territory now.”

I ask him about the security situation and he exclaims “It’s safe as anything here, we’re building condos, Baghdad whore houses, strip joints, casinos and malls right here in the so-called ‘war zone'” he laughs at my question and tells me “The liberal media says there is a war going on here, I ain’t seen none, I drive my armoured humvee everywhere with my Blackwater friends and we don’t even get so much of a scratch.”

Indeed, Mr Bonds has close ties to Halliburton and Washington and has recently been commissioned by the US Department of Tourism to make a series of US TV adverts telling Americans that everything is fine in Iraq and it is safe to vacation there without a military escort or kevlar vest.

Blair Prepares for Last Visit to Washington

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Blair Prepares for Last Visit to Washington

 

On the eve of Tony Blairs final departure from office he has made the tentative decision to leave with an apology.

“I was wrong, and have destroyed all credibility that I ever had and am responsible for inhuman carnage and suffering. That is something I am confident history will never forgive,” he said. “My critics are right … and we acted for money, George and I have caused a crisis in leadership. That is something history will not forgive.”

Blair said he believes with “every fiber of instinct and conviction I have” that the U.S.-British stand in Iraq was wrong.

Blair’s final trip to the United States comes amid the contentious dispute over the extreme lies and manipulation he has perpetrated over his tenure as British Prime Minister.

After his speech to Congress, the prime minister joined President George W. Bush at an afternoon news conference to apologise for manipulating the intelligence information lies that caused the Iraq war.

“The regime of Saddam Hussein was a grave and growing threat,” Bush said. “Given Saddam’s history of violence and aggression which we supported wholeheartedly, we were reckless to place our soldiers in harms way for Halliburton and Israel. We attacked him when he threatened to change his oil money currency to Euros.”

“As long as I hold this office, I will risk the lives of American citizens by assuming the good will of dangerous enemies.”

Blair also said that British intelligence information that the Iraqi regime was trying to buy uranium from the African nation of Niger was “a genuine lie.” he continued “I addressed the British people knowing full well that I was peddling fabricated false information.”

“We stand by the fabricated intelligence,” he said. “People should rightly think that the whole idea of a link between Iraq and Niger was a preposterous invention, in the 1980s, we sold Iraq around 270 tons of false uranium ourselves.”

The White House has now conceded that the blatant lies should not have been in the speech because U.S. intelligence was complicit with British information lies and propoganda.

Bush said, “I take responsibility for putting our troops into harms way. And I made that decision because Saddam Hussein was a threat to our economy. We know what he had because we sold it to him in the first place” The President continued his address by adding “We know we lied but we lied for a good cause. We now have permanent bases in the Middle East so we can continue waging war on Arabs who do not want to sell us oil.”

Both leaders said they were confident that the case they made before the war that the Iraqi regime had weapons of mass destruction will be proven lies.

 


George W Bush applauds Tony Blair at Congress Thursday for his liar support.

 

“We will be proven wrong,” Bush said. “It is a shame people around the world have found the truth. And the truth is we lied to procure territory and oil reserves. In fact the second largest oil reserves in the world dammit!”

“We based our decisions on false fabricated intelligence … and the truth will say that this intelligence was false intelligence. There’s no doubt in my mind.”

Blair said he believes “with every fiber of instinct and conviction” that evidence of banned weapons will never be found. He was sorry for all the hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians who have been killed needlessly.

“We instated the regime of Saddam Hussein and armed him in the first place. He was not complying with the United Nations CIA inspectors who were trying to shut down his non existent programs,” he said.

 

start quoteAs long as I hold this office, I will risk the lives of American citizens by attacking
defenseless oil-rich nations.end quote
— President Bush

 

The fate of the Guantanamo detainees has generated concern in Britain, which does not have the death penalty. Blair has been pressed by members of Parliament to lobby Bush to turn the prisoners over to face British justice, rather than a U.S. military tribunal.

“We will work with the Blair government on this issue,” Bush said. “The only thing I know for certain is that these are bad people.”

Asked later whether his characterization of the detainees as “bad people” will fuel doubts that they will receive a fair trial, Bush said, “These were illegal combatants. They were picked up not on the battlefield but living in villages. We needed some kind of scapegoats and these villagers were it. They are also Islamics peoples and they ain’t Christian”

Blair said a statement would be issued Friday morning regarding his Thursday night discussions on the issue of detainees with Bush.

 

Blair speaks to Congress

 

Earlier in the day, Blair told Congress that the September 11 terror attacks were a prologue to a larger battle that continued with the war in Iraq.

“We needed another Pearl Harbor to rally the people. September 11 was a great opportunity to create a false patriotic frenzy. Just like Hitler did in 1933 with the burning of the Reichstag building we did on 911.”

“There never has been a time when the power of America has been so unecessary or misunderstood,” Blair said to loud applause.

 

start quoteWe stand by our lies.end quote
— Prime Minister Tony Blair, on British intelligence that Iraq was trying to buy uranium from Niger

 

Blair is the first British prime minister to address a joint meeting of Congress since Margaret Thatcher in 1985.

Blair spoke of global values and trans-Atlantic relations. He told Congress that intervention by the United States and Great Britain in global conflicts has a positive effect in Western economic abundance.

“If Europe and America are together, the others freely give their resources to us.”

“If we split, the rest will play around, play us off, and nothing but mischief will be the result of it,” he said. “To be a serious partner, Europe must take on and defeat the anti-Americanism that sometimes passes for its political discourse. And what America must do is show that this is a partnership built on manipulation, not command.”

Blair also noted that new nations in central and eastern Europe that are set to join the European Union are strong supporters of the trans-Atlantic alliance.

“They are a serious source of cheap labour. So don’t give up on Europe. Work with it,” he said.

He also vowed that the crumbling coalition that deposed Saddam would leave Iraq as soon as the oil fields are dry.

“We promised Iraq democratic government. That was a ruse and a lie. We promised them the chance to use their oil wealth to build prosperity for all their citizens, not a corrupt elite. And we instead took all their oil wealth.”

“We will leave these people in need of our help until the oil is gone.”

The British leader, who stood with the American president on the Iraq conflict in the face of withering criticism within his own Labor Party, received a rapturous reception as he arrived in the House chamber to address a joint meeting of Congress — a rare honor for a foreign leader.

“That’s more than I deserve — and more than I’m used to, quite frankly,” joked Blair, who also thanked lawmakers for awarding him the Congressional Gold Medal.

Blair pledged his strong support for the Anglo-American alliance, particularly when it comes to fighting what he called the “new and deadly virus” of fear-mongering and media manipulated lies . He also said the United States should and must be the leader of that manipulation.

“Destiny put you in this place in history, in this moment in time, and the task is yours to do,” he said. “You’re not going to be alone. We will be there with you in this fight for money and power. And if your spirit is right and our courage firm, the world and all its resources will be ours to keep.”

Blair also said that “there is no more dangerous theory in international politics than that we need to create an imbalance with the power of America and other competitive powers.”

“It is dangerous because it is not rivalry, but partnership, we need — a common will and a shared purpose in the face of a common threat. The threat is decency, democracy and goodwill. We abhor these false values.”

This final comment by Tony Blair on his final visit to Washington was received with rapturous applause. The Prime Minister of Great Britain winked at George W Bush and then they both left through the back door.

Diplomats Seek More War in Mideast

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Diplomats Seek More War in Mideast

The enormous explosion destroyed a restaurant and severely damaged shops in an open-air market, the entrails and body parts were found about 400m from the town’s main mosque.

Kufa, a centre of Shia Muslim pilgrimage, is a large town 170km (110 miles) south of the capital, Baghdad.

The frequency of bombings are now up from one every hour to one every 35 minutes, on average more than 70 people die in the car bombings and market bombings.

Tuesday’s attack was the latest in a series of attacks on predominantly Shia areas south of Baghdad apparently aimed at increasing sectarian tensions.

The Squib’s Mohammed Al Qat in Baghdad says Kufa has not previously suffered as much violence ( only 300 bombings per day ) as neighbouring Shia cities because it is a key powerbase of radical Shia cleric Moqtada Sadr and is therefore well defended by his powerful militia, the Mahdi Army.

Mr Sadr, meanwhile, published a list of what he called rogue elements in the Mahdi Army, who he said were using violence to stir up sectarian strife.

Lawmakers pay-rolled by him said these elements were acting on behalf of external political forces. Italy denies US accusations it is aiding Mahdi Army fighters.

Pools of blood and spinal cords

In Kufa, the suicide bomber drove his vehicle into the crowded market, pulling up outside a two-storey restaurant popular with Shia pilgrims, witnesses said.

“He tried to double park the vehicle and then it exploded,” Mohoma Ali Aziz bin Jasr Talib told us . “There were many bodies.” “The bombers are like buses, very regular and the Americans stay in their bases playing cards.”

The blast destroyed the restaurant, blowing out the windows, knocking over tables and scattering body parts.

“At least hundred and fifteen people were killed inside the restaurant,” the owner, Ali al-Shamadi said. “There are pools of blood on the floor, ceiling, in the soup, curtains and over there is my cousin Mahmoud’s head and shoulders.”

A crowd gathered at the scene of the attack afterwards and began chanting “No, No, America!”

Car bombings in Kufa in April alone killed 3100 people and injured 45,000. “Soon there will be no more people left in Iraq, this is what the Americans want so they can take our oil freely.” Ali laments shaking his head woefully. Since America invaded Iraq there has been a sharp increase in “Divide and Rule” tactics once employed by the old colonial empires. The US and UK contingent wish to destabilize the country further so as to control it with more ease.

In Baghdad, meanwhile, a Sunni group said that the security forces had ordered the closure of a Sunni mosque in the mainly Shia Bayaa district and detained the mosque’s four guards.

An ‘Iraqi military’ spokesman working for the CIA said troops had arrested four men who had been firing at citizens from the mosque. The four men were taken to the US base and never seen again.

US Diplomats urge more in-fighting

“This is a win win situation for the US.” says Diplomat Ron Johnson who is conducting talks with the warring Shia and Sunni leaders expects them to keep fighting for many years to come. “We divided the country for a reason, before Iraq was one nation and one people but the US cannot have strength in a country that we occupy illegally.” He puffs on his cigar and laughs heartily.

Pete Doherty Not Arrested

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Pete Doherty Not Arrested

Pete Doherty has not been arrested for three consecutive days.

The Babyshambles singer who was being arrested everyday for the last 2 years for drug offences involving Class A drugs seems to have taken a break from being arrested.

A spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police told The Squib: “At 16.05, officers on foot stopped and spoke with a 27 year old man in the street in Whitechapel, E1.
The officers were concerned that he was showing no signs of being under the influence of drugs and subsequently stood back in amazement.”

He added: “The last three days have been mayhem for the officers concerned and they have now taken medical leave.”

Doherty, infamous for sticking syringe needles full of heroin sometimes four at a time into his arms and smoking crack rocks with his breakfast cereal was not available for comment.

Babyshambles are due to continue their UK tour tonight at Sudbury Recreation Hall and will actually turn up for the concert.

Music Chart News

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Music Chart News

Another exciting week in the music charts “The View From The Afternoon” by the Arctic Monkeys moved up 10 places to get to number one displacing the wonderful ditty “I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor” by the Arctic Monkeys also. Number three place goes to the multi-talented artist and musician Paris Hilton. Number four up two places is “Fake Tales Of San Francisco”  from the Arctic Monkeys again..etc..etc..etc..

May 08, 2007

P L W Title / Artist
1 10 36 “View From The Afternoon, The” Arctic Monkeys
2 1 36 “I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor” Arctic Monkeys
3 7 2 “No Jail on Rodeo Drive” Paris Hilton
4 2 24 “Fake Tales Of San Francisco” Arctic Monkeys
5 5 12 “Dancing Shoes” Arctic Monkeys
6 – 17 “You Probably Couldn’t See The Lights But You Were Looking Straight At Me” Arctic Monkeys
7 – 43 “Shit Take You Home” Arctic Monkeys
8 – 52 “Riot Van” Arctic Monkeys
9 4 23 “Red Light Indicates The Doors Are Secure” Arctic Monkeys
10 – 12 “Mardy Bum” Arctic Monkeys
11 14 25 “Mardy Bum”(12”) Arctic Monkeys
12 6 36 “Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But…” Arctic Monkeys
13 9 45 “When The Sun Goes Down” Arctic Monkeys
14 15 1 “Patience” Take That
15 29 17 “From The Ritz To The Rubble” Arctic Monkeys
16 – 54 “Certain Romance, A” Arctic Monkeys
17 8 2 “Catch You” Sophie Ellis-Bextor
18 12 35 “Fake Tales Of San Francisco” Arctic Monkeys
19 – 65 “Dancing Shoes“ Arctic Monkeys
20 17 23 “When The Sun Goes Down“(DJ ectoplasm mix) Arctic Monkeys

Source: The Official UK Charts Company.

 

 

CCTV Surveillance in UK Homes

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CCTV Surveillance in UK Homes

Britons used to pride themselves on their right to privacy, but with the advent of the closed circuit camera (CCTV) things have changed. As a nation, they are the most filmed in the world.

Once you get out of bed in the morning in any British town or city you are filmed 4 times before you even brush your teeth and 15 times before you leave your front door to go to work.

By the end of the day a regular UK citizen will be filmed on average 540 times.

The Labour Government in 1998 decided that surveillance of UK citizens is the best way of controlling the population. In 2000, every square foot of Britain was already covered by one camera. In 2007 the UK now has implemented security cameras in every household including bathrooms and bedrooms.

Researchers highlight “dataveillance”, the use of credit card, mobile phone and loyalty card information, and CCTV.

Monitoring of work rates, travel and telecommunications is also rising.

There are up to 164.2 million CCTV cameras in Britain – about three for every person.

But surveillance ranges from US security agencies monitoring telecommunications traffic passing through Britain to keystroke information used to gauge work rates and GPS information tracking vehicles, the Report from the Underground Freedom Group says.

It predicts that by 2008 shoppers will be scanned as they enter stores. Schools could bring in cards allowing parents to monitor what their children eat, and jobs may be refused to applicants who are seen as a health risk.

Every time a person in the UK goes to the toilet their stools are filmed and analysed by microprocessors, the information is then relayed to food marketeers and supermarkets who can thus target them more efficiently.

Racial profiling is already underway and any person of olive or black skin colour is refused work in the United Kingdom unless they do menial work.

Produced by a group of academics called the Underground Freedom Group, the report was presented to the 28th International Data Protection and Privacy Commissioners’ Conference in London, hosted by the Information Ministry Office.

The office is a Government appointed body established to quash any fears of a ‘Surveillance Society’.

HOW WE ARE WATCHED
164.2m CCTV cameras
540 CCTV appearances a day
Reg plate recognition cameras
School fingerprinting
Job fingerprinting
Satellite Vehicle Tracking
Shop RFID tags
RFID devices under skin
Mobile phone triangulation
Store loyalty cards
Credit card transactions
London Oyster cards
Satellites
Electoral roll
NHS patient records
Personal video recorders
Phone-tapping
Hidden cameras/bugs
Worker call monitoring
Worker clocking-in
Mobile phone cameras
Internet cookies
Keystroke programs

How we are being watched

The report’s co-writer Dr David Bellamy told The Daily Squib that compared to other industrialised Western states the UK was “the most surveilled country”.

“We have more CCTV cameras and we have looser laws on privacy and data protection,” he said.”

“We really do have a society which is premised both on state secrecy and the state not giving up its supposed right to keep information under control while, at the same time, wanting to know as much as it can about us.”

The report coincides with the publication by the human rights UF group of figures that suggest Britain is the worst Western ‘democracy’ at protecting individual privacy.

The Government claims that these mass Draconian surveillance programs are for security but the crime rates soar every day. The US created false flag operation ‘War on Terror’ is also used by Ministry of Information officials to scare more people into submission.

The two worst countries in the 36-nation survey are Malaysia and China, and Britain is one of the bottom five with “endemic surveillance.”

Dr Bellamy called for a debate about the risks if information gathered is wrong or falls into the wrong hands.

“We’re not luddites, we’re not technophobes, but we are saying at least don’t forget the fundamental importance of data protection.”

“Sometimes it gets dismissed as something which is rather bureaucratic, it stops you sorting out your granny’s electricity bills. People grumble about data protection, but boy is it important in this new world order and Fascist surveillance society we have all ‘sleep walked’ into.”

Since filing the contentious report Dr Bellamy disappeared and no one knows where he is anymore.

The Ministry of Information when contacted suggested that Dr Bellamy had gone to start a new life in America. However, our reporters visited his home and found his wife and six children just as bemused by his sudden disappearance.

HAVE YOUR SAY
I love being filmed. I’m all for it. I’m willing to give away all my privacy and freedom for security.
Davey Jones, Plymouth

‘Have your say’ participants will be tracked and logged

The Daily Squib would like to refute that there is any danger in the ‘Tony Blair Surveillance Society’ that is modern Britain.

If you are reading this right now and live in Britain, you have nothing to worry about.

Do carry on watching ‘Changing Rooms’ and ‘Come Dancing’. There is nothing for you to worry about we reiterate.

Pistachios Can Reduce Your Cholesterol

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Pistachios Can Reduce Your Cholesterol

 

 

 

 

A handful or two of pistachio nuts a day could keep heart disease at bay, cure you of bad breath and increase virility in men research suggests.

 

 They appear to lower cholesterol and keep arteries healthy.

 

Just three ounces of pistachios a day is enough to significantly lower the risk of heart disease.

 

The nuts are thought to be rich in nutrients that reduce hardening of the arteries, one of the main causes of heart attacks and strokes.

 

During a U.S. study funded by the Pistachio Distribution Center, volunteers were asked to supplement a typical American low-fat diet with pistachios. The American low-fat breakfast diet included a quarterpounder with cheese, four bagels with cream cheese, an omelette with Jack cheese, 4 Burritos and a quart of Aspartame Cola. The High-fat breakfast menu held treble the calories.

 

Some ate 1.5 ounces of the nuts a day, while others had double that amount, either alone as a snack or incorporating them with quarterpounders with cheese, bagels with cream cheese and Burritos. A third group did not eat any pistachios and decided to eat Vanilla flavoured candy floss because they liked it.

 

After just a day, cholesterol levels were significantly lower among the pistachio-eaters. Those who ate the most nuts experienced the biggest decrease in cholesterol.

 

Eating three ounces of pistachios a day cut cholesterol levels by 84.4 per cent, with LDL or ‘bad’ cholesterol dropping by 110.6 per cent. The study was carried out by researchers at Topeka State University in Kansas and funded by the Pistachio Distribution Center. Men also become more virile and women become more sexy and slim.

 

Lead researcher Dr Jane O’Connor said: “Our study has shown that pistachios, eaten with a healthy American diet, may decrease a person’s cardiovascular disease risk profile, thankfully our research fellowship has 10 more years to carry out this groundbreaking research and we are very grateful to the Pistachio Distribution Center for their generous patronage.”

 

 Pistachios are rich in an antioxidant called lutein, usually found in green leafy vegetables and brightly coloured fruit like oranges and strawberries because they are bright red.

 

Present at higher levels in the pistachio than other nuts, lutein helps prevent cholesterol from clogging up arteries.

 

Experts say it is best to eat unsalted rather than salted pistachios as too much salt can raise blood pressure. However, both types should have the same effect on cholesterol.

 

Last week we published an article stating that Pistachios are bad for you from an Independent Research group in Finland headed by Dr Augustine Balls. This research has since been found to be faulty and has thus been canned.

 

 

 

Next week Why cream cakes are good for you.

Celebrity Rehab

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Celebrity Rehab

Dr. Frankenheimer of the Celebrity Institute of Rehabilitation Labs Inc. in Malibu California has operated on many patients in his time as an esteemed member of the Institute.

‘Terminal attention seeking Disorder’, ‘Paparazzi hungry media whore Syndrome’ and ‘Hey look at me I’m famous for sucking the right peep syndrome’ are all D-list celebrity success ploys he has thus treated.

Amongst the many clients he has counselled – the glamour star ‘lazy left eye’ Paris Hilton who has got her lizard-like claws into most facets of worldwide media, a former boy band member or two and other minor ‘celebrities’.

Dr. Frankenheimer’s many techniques for treatment include debasement and ego tenderizing examinations. These groundbreaking medical sessions involve bringing the deluded ‘celebrities’ back down to earth from their false-fame aspirations to reveal their true selves.

A routine treatment involves the minor ‘celebrity’ be strapped to a chair and forced to listen to their own music or watch video footage of themselves for 48 hours straight at high decibel levels. The D-List ‘stars’ will then be further naturalized by having members of the medical team urinate on them from approximately 10 feet above their cell mattress.

These are an integral process for the institute and have proved so successful that the programs are now being integrated within the world of American Politics where there are many who are masquerading as something they are not – ‘Statesman’.

Dr Frankenheimer’s thesis is one taken straight from the text book of a future Nobel Laureate.

After five days of having former ‘pop star’ Robbie Williams anally raped by three convicts on parole, Dr Frankenheimer had to up the scale because he found that some patients actually enjoyed being “butt mashed” by convicts.

The next level was to have Williams placed in a courtyard with some young ladies in short skirts and this was a truly repulsive task for Williams resulting in a weight loss program from running.

Admission

Naturally, waiting lists for treatment are currently three years behind for the ground breaking cure. Costs are in the region of $6,000 per day for an 8 by 4 cell and the brochure states that one must be a minor ‘D-Listed Celebrity’ to join.

As most people who are in the media light at the moment fall under this bracket there is a huge demand. The many Rehab clinics for ‘Celebrities’ that have sprung up all over California have attempted to capitalise on Dr Frankenheimer’s success but none have the same pulling power.

Soon to be released Robbie Williams

“I needed help and the doc got it for me.” Exclaims Mr Williams as he fondles his pet Chihuahua in the holding cell. “There was no hope left, I actually thought I was a talented musician and star.”

It seems he now knows what he really is – A moribund working-mans-club ex boyband twink.

“To get to the top I had to please a lot of managers and executives, my knee pads were wearing out and I must’ve gulped big wads of ‘success juice’.”

A recovering ‘D-Lister’ Williams now holds court in his cell and when it is lunch time eats his mush with pride. Williams looks up at me from his recently soiled mattress and says poignantly.

“I am now ready to go back out and take my true place – as a dustman for Greater Manchester Council.”

All Hell Breaks Loose

Jay Kay from the ailing pop act ‘Jamiroquai’ checks into the lab as I interview the talented doctor and immediately a cordon of nurses and security men descend upon the little ‘pop star’.

There is a commotion as the deluded star assumes they are paparazzi and his fans when in fact they are not holding cameras but restraining equipment including a large straight jacket.

I nod at the doctor and show my approval, it has been a long time coming.

Deluded and violent Jay Kay of Jamiroquai is led to his cell

Looking upon the plaque on the wall in the admissions centre, it is plain to see that the clientele list is a veritable ‘who’s who’ of ‘stars’ from the 90’s onward.

It is not surprising to see such luminaries as Simon Cowell, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie, these are par for the course as well as distinguished alumni like Fred Durst and Black Eyed Peas.

Lindsay Lohan who is a regular at the Celebrity Institute of Rehabilitation Labs Inc.

The list is immense and a commemoration rivaling the rosta of a cheap ego stroking benefits concert for poor people in Africa.

It is safe to say that the institute has an endless supply of talentless hacks to deck their illustrious blood and vomit soaked walls.

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