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No Paparazzi Attend Set-Up Paris Hilton Photo Op!

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Paris Hilton was seen to be distraught and staring around wildly in a quiet Beverly Hills street on Sunday evening.

Her eyes were wild as she stumbled around pulling at her hair frantically, recalls the only person who witnessed her getting into her $250,000 Bentley.

Joe is a tramp who sometimes ventures into the quiet street to go through some high class trash cans and get some choice morsels of gourmet cuisine left overs.

 


Joe who has been sleeping rough for 15 years poses for the camera



We speak to him as he brushes some maggots away from a discarded fillet mignon steak he has recovered. “I saw her come out of a house alone. I was hiding in a bush and this woman went crazy! She started shouting at the driver about there not being any photographers and news people. Her driver tried to tell her that he had called all the news people on the list and he didn’t know why they did not turn up. She got into her car and it looked real special. She was wearing some very fancy clothes as well. She said her name was Paris and kept shouting out how great she was and the paparazzi can all go to hell and stuff.”

We asked Joe if he had a camera so as to take pictures of Paris getting into her Bentley at the time. “No, I once found a camera in a trash can but sold it to a pawn shop to get some more booze. I saw her with my own eyes I tell ya.”

Ms Hilton, who craves attention at all times, has to call photographers and celebrity gossip outlets before she makes any public moves. This time, however, it seems that only one person witnessed her leaving the party she attended.

The Daily Squib gave Joe, who has been walking the streets for 15 years, some money so he can go and buy a fresh steak and maybe some shoes. We thank him for his inadvertent reportage.

Pete Doherty Angry over Winehouse Media Blitz

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There was a day when every newspaper held the name of the illustrious Pete Doherty. He would either be up there for his latest drug bust, his latest court appearance or his latest washed up model girlfriend.

Not a day has gone by within the last year where a newspaper or media outlet has not discussed his crack taking or heroin addiction.

That is of course until ‘that’ Winehouse woman came on the block.

Now she is the one who the papers write about. Her addictions and Bellatrix Le Strange looks have fascinated the tabloids much to the chagrin of Doherty who has been left with less column inches than Cliff Richard as of late.

Doherty is weeping into his ‘stash’ as he stabs his collapsed vein over and over again because this time there are no cameras or photographers to witness his ‘talented drug show’.

 

These two have many things in common however much they detest each other.

They are both not known for their ‘music’ but for their dishevelled druggy looks and self-destructive drug taking.

Winehouse, who cannot sing but howls in a pseudo-r’n’b wail with a brass band on stage and a manky birds nest rotting on her scalp, has been hailed by what is known as the ‘music biz’ today – as the ‘next big thing’.

Doherty, who is only able to play four chords on his guitar and mumble incoherently over the noise, was once hailed as the next musical poet. However, this was knocked firmly on its head by him rarely turning up to perform and by being constantly arrested by the fuzz.

 


Pete Doherty in his heyday, now he’s just another washed up junkie with no talent or news coverage

 

Now that Amy Winehouse is the new darling of the press, what is left for Doherty? We suspect he will still feel compelled to inject his arms with heroin and smoke crack rocks, albeit this time without the cameras.

Doherty’s people may have to engineer a re-union with Kate soon enough to increase his profile. There are already whisperings of clandestine meetings where the media operation is being planned.

Hunter S Thompson said it best: The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side”.


Related Articles:

 

  • Pete Doherty Not Arrested

Madonna Seen Flying with Commercial Airline to Cut Carbon Footprint

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Since her momentous performance at the much criticised Live Earth extravaganza, Madonna has been making every effort to please the pundits and naysayers by trying to reduce her huge carbon footprint.

The great lady now embarks on journeys across the pond to her homeland and back flying first class of course on commercial airlines.

In fact, she was just spotted the other day flying in first class from New York to London. A fellow passenger witnessed her ‘Madgesty’ eating her food in a very interesting manner.

The star, who does not eat solid food anymore and has not for the last fifteen years, injected her arm with a four course meal and dessert.

Madonna explained in an interview to Hello magazine in May that she has a five star Michelin rated chef cook a four course meal for her every day.

Once the meal is cooked it is all blended in a bucket and then the juices and nutrients are extracted into a tiny vial. This groundbreaking technique has been adopted by many celebrities now and saves on the whole messy eating solid food process.

Her private chef Gilles Rais divulged to the Daily Squib that during the seven hour flight from New York Madonna injected herself with one vial consisting of a starter of Soupe d’aiglefin fumé, tartare de loup de mer caviar d’Osciètre followed by a scrumptious Risotto de petits légumes de saison.

The next course was Rouget de roche, fricassée de calamars et brandade de morue jus de bouillabaisse, followed shortly by Assiette de cochon de lait rôti et son jus de cuisson.

Dessert was the finest Croustade de pommes caramélisées glace au miel et gingembre washed down with some Café “Pur Arabica”, petits fours et chocolats du Manoir.

Having partaken of this astounding meal Madonna was seen to belch ever so gently into her handkerchief.

The rest of the passengers however had to make do with either rubberised chicken and soggy vegetables or a microwaved vegetarian lasagne which tasted like cardboard.

Philip Green Looks into Improving Slave Labour Sweatshop

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Factories supplying Sir Philip Green, who is based in Monaco and is worth nearly £5 billion, employ hundreds of Sri Lankan, Indian and Bangladeshi workers in Mauritius where they labour for up to 22 hours a day, six days a week.

Speaking from his luxury yacht on Monday, Green stated: “I am shocked to have heard that reporters have been able to infiltrate the operation. I am completely surprised that I have been profiteering to such a high level. I am completely innocent in this and surprised to hear about it.”

Workers told The Daily Squib that they were conned in their home countries by ‘self-employed’ con men employed by Green who promised wages up to five times what they receive. They pay up to £725 to get the job, equivalent to seven months’ earnings.

Once in Mauritius they receive as little as 22p to 40p an hour, about 40% below the local average wage.

Mr Green made sure to add that he would increase pay by 3 pence to every sweat shop workers wages as well as have the ankle chains on workers removed. Further plans are being made to reduce working hours by half an hour and allow workers to drink one cup of water whilst working 22 hour shifts in the 100 degree heat.


 

Green, rated seventh in The Sunday Times Rich List, largely avoids personal tax by paying dividends to his wife, Lady Stinka, who lives offshore.

In 2005 she was paid £1.2 billion, which amounted to £3.3m for every day of the year.

He told a reporter last week that he was having a marvellous time on his £300 million yacht off the coast of Turkey.

“My luxury yacht uses up £60,000 worth of fuel per mile so I need to run the damn thing, don’t you think? The workers are the ones who are the machinary behind my wonderful yacht. As a gesture, I have made provisions for them to be rewarded by 3 pence each. Who says I am not a generous guy?”

Kate Moss, who has also profited off the slave trade, is to visit Green next week to plan for another factory opening in Bangladesh.

Next year is set to be another very profitable tax-free year for the Greens and Moss’.

Cheap Flights for Thousands – A One-Way Ticket to Skin Cancer

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The locals at the Mediterranean resort look on in disgust as another flock of English reprobates and thugs who have secured their holiday in Magaluf for the princely sum of £40 for two weeks of booze and vomit tuck into their chips and sausage meal.

Another obese red British man burps into his full English breakfast and takes another swig from a huge glass of cheap beer, his fifth this morning and all before 9.30.

It looks like a bargain – a cheap flight to the sun. But for thousands it is a one-way ticket to cancer.

The boom in cheap air travel is not only harming the environment but also the health of the millions who fly in search of sun, cheap sex and cheap alcohol.

Soaring rates of skin cancer were blamed yesterday on the British penchant for holidays abroad involving long periods lying on the beach, boozing uncontrollably, public sex and violence.

 


A drunk English holidaymaker is urinated on by his mates

 

Exposing large areas of pallid flesh to the midday sun is the surest way of triggering the lethal form of skin cancer known as malignant melanoma.

By midday the lobsters are heaped up five to the dozen on soiled condom ridden beaches, a distinct smell of frying fat and stale beer wafts over the nasal palate as the bloated English bathers turn over for the other side to bake.

The English penchant for winter ‘fake sunbed’ tans of orange have been supplanted with that of a napalm burn victim from Vietnam, and yet they still come in their flocks year after year.

More of them are doing it than ever before. Melanoma is the fastest-rising cancer, up by 43 per cent in a decade, according to by Cancer Research UK. In younger people, aged 25 to 44, the rise is even higher, up 65 per cent between 1995 and 2004.

Melanoma often starts at the site of a mole and can be treated if caught early. But it is the most aggressive of the skin cancers,causing about 160,800 deaths a year. In 2004 there were 80,939 new diagnoses, up from 50,783 in 1995.

The rise mirrors that in foreign travel, up by 48 per cent between 1997 and 2006 according to the Association of British Travel Agents, with 68 million trips abroad taken last year compared with 46 million in 1997.

Although there is a time lag between exposure to the sun and development of cancer of between eight and 30 years, experts said yesterday that foreign travel was a key factor behind the increase in the cancer, and the boom in cheap flights is certain to see it rise further.

Jane Birkin, director of health information at Cancer Research UK, said: “I do think cheap air travel is a factor behind the increase. The British tend to throw caution to the wind when abroad and, desperate to get a tan, take more risks in the sun. The increase in foreign holidays has been an important cause of the rise in melanoma.”

The sharp rise in younger people with the cancer was a legacy of sunburn contracted during their childhood and adolescence, when the skin is more vulnerable. Sunburn, rather than gentle tanning, carries the highest risk of causing cancer.

 


English holidaymakers Tracy and Kayley enjoy a good sun tanning session in Magaluf

“The younger you are the worse it is. Younger skin is more susceptible to damage. As we age, the skin toughens up and is better protected,” she said. “It is possible to get a little bit of colour and be safe in the sun. It is those reddening and burning episodes that every time increase the risk of cancer. They damage the DNA which the body tries to repair but every time there is more chance of more damage. The more hits you get the greater the risk. Those who behaved badly on holiday in their teens [by not covering up or applying sun cream] are now seeing the effect in their forties.”

Melanoma used to be a disease of affluence, found most commonly among those who could afford to take foreign holidays. But since the boom in package holidays which began in the 1960s and the arrival of cheap flights in the 1990s, the population affected by the disease has changed.

Dr Birkin said: “There is anecdotal evidence from dermatologists that it is affecting less affluent groups – I have heard consultants comment on it.”

Other sharply rising cancers in the past decade include womb cancer, up 21 per cent, and kidney cancer, up 14 per cent. Both are commoner in overweight and obese people and the rises are thought to be driven by expanding waistlines.

 

Foot in Mouth Disease Returns to UK

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The nightmare ‘foot in mouth’ of John Prescott returned to Britain last night,
forcing Gordon Brown to cut short his holiday after only a few hours in
Devon to chair a crisis meeting of Cobra, the emergency planning unit in
Downing Street today.

Mr Prescott who has cost the British taxpayer millions of pounds in expenses and luxuries arrived at Heathrow aboard a Texan Business mans private jet intent on sucking dry more taxpayer cash.

Taxpayers were hit with a £500,000 bill from John Prescott’s office for
travel and hospitality last year, official figures reveal.

They show that even after Mr Prescott was stripped of his
departmental role as Deputy Prime Minister, the public were still
paying hundreds of thousands of pounds towards his and his staff’s
globe-trotting and first class debauchery.

Mr Prescott has also still not moved out of his grace-and-favour flat in Admiralty House in Whitehall.

The travel, subsistence and hospitality bill for the Deputy
Prime Minister’s Office was £507,000 in 2006/07, with overall office
costs being £2.5 million.

This financial year, Mr Prescott embarked on a “farewell tour” of the world, embarking on a tour encompassing 23 countries all in first class and the final bill footed by the tax payer.

A Treasury Minister commented: “John has done nothing wrong, as long as he is a Minister for the Labour party he is allowed a blank cheque.”

“It is better that this large sum of taxpayers money goes to luxury travel and first class food consumed by Prescott, there are enough funds to pay nurses and hospital staff, those workers should not be greedy now,” a Labour official speaking to the Squib on condition of anonymity said yesterday.

During his tenure as Deputy Prime Minister, Prescott did not contribute to anything apart from putting his ‘foot in his mouth’ and spending huge sums of tax payers money on his corrupt indulgent gluttony and greed.

 

Sightings of Great White Shark off Chinese Beach

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Ylang Ylang was tossing a volleyball into the melee of 70,000 odd beach revellers on this sweltering summers day when she not only lost the ball amongst thousands of exact replicas but she also spotted a fin moving around in the water.

On Wednesday, more than 70,000 locals and visitors encamped on Fujiazhuang bathing beach, this is the highest figure so far this summer on North eastern China’s Dalian seashore.

The management department of Fujiazhuang Bathing Beach has boosted the number of beach life savers to 27,000 so as to prevent any drownings.

However, they did not count on any Great White sharks combing the waters and looking for some human dim sum.

Party officials were thrown for a six when panic suddenly erupted and 50,000 Chinese swimmers in sector G decided to run out of the water whilst screaming in extreme alarm. This resulted in 20,000 sector H sunbathers being inundated by panic as well.

 


The Great White Shark fin is plainly visible swimming close to the shore in the picture

Marine biologist Xau Fan Fung explains his theory: “I believe the shark was attracted by the splashing and noise that 50,000 people make when bathing in the water simultaneously. Also, sharks are attracted by very small amounts of blood or urine in the water, you can imagine what would happen if there are thousands urinating in the sea at the same time.”

There were no casualties from the shark but some 3000 people were trampled under foot from the stampede.

In the mad scramble 145,000 flip flops were left abandoned and 57,600 beach balls and matching beach towels were discarded.

The resultant yellow urine slick from the fearful bathers could be seen by satellite imaging equipment from space.

Scientists estimate the slick will arrive on the shores of the California coast in 3 weeks.

Elton John to be Banned

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The gaudy Rocket Man and selfagrandising grumpy whiner who likes to wear grotesque clothing and show off his bad taste haircuts will thankfully be banned from public appearances as well as all worldwide media.

A spokesman for the worldwide media and public affairs syndication, said: “We have finally shut down the drama queen Elton and his gaudy bad taste appearances from polluting the world ever again.”


There will also be a ban on other useless ‘celebuturd’ whingers getting knighthoods and bans on the hacks flouncing around with their poncey over-inflated banal opinions and gaudy haircuts.“We are now working on shutting down similar banal no talent people.”

There are plans amongst some policy makers within the EU and UN to have Sir Elton detained on an island in the South Pacific with no means of ever escaping. Some are even formulating plans to have Sir Elton shot into space in a capsule so he can live up to his ‘Rocket Man’ status, this may however prove to be too costly a solution.

He
would be allowed to take his husband and his poodles but not allowed
anything else. He will also be stripped of his tax loopholes and his
knighthood.


“These people are a societal pollutant and are detrimental to true culture and art.

“Do not buy or
respond to anything from them and remember to avert your eyes if you
come across anything by accident. This broadcast is the last time we
will address this indecent issue.


“We’re urging people to boycott these hacks and ‘celebuturds’, please report any offending items to the authorities in your locality.”

Sir Elton replied: “I understand the gravity of my sin and know that my punishment for being a ‘poncey arseh*le’ should be severe.

“I Elton John am going to ban the world from the greatness that is me.

“I am the best! Look at my pink spectacles and lime green afro! It matches my buttplug. I’m a Sir, don’t you know! Ooh you look gorgeous in that chiffon.”

Multi-millionaire Elton, who turned 60 earlier this year, has
admitted in the past that he is a disgrace to humanity.

The useless whinger was once quoted as saying: “I am the biggest waste of space
of all time.

“I don’t have any sense of style, dignity or class.

“I am such a shameful waste when it comes to humanity that all I can do is have delusions of grandeur and have pathetic tantrums whilst my colon gets irrigated by my ‘furnished’ ass-istant.”

Sales of Elton’s last album The Captain & The Kid were
disappointing to say the least — it barely shifted 1000 copies.

The flamboyant singer who enjoys batty pursuits plans to paint his fleet of 30 Rolls Royce cars bright pink with yellow polka dots when he turns 61.

The 60th birthday concert for Sir Elton played to a 2000-strong crowd
at New York’s Bronx YMCA was hopefully the last time he ever performs his dire pap in public.

The Governments of the world also announced earlier this year that Elton’s entire back
catalogue of albums would be crushed then recycled as office supplies.

Good riddance to bad rubbish as they say . . .

Only One Cyclist Finishes Tour de France

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Spaniard Alberto Miguel Arturo Diego Conquestador won the drug-tainted Tour de France here on Sunday when he singlehandedly rode his bicycle alone for the majority of the tour to secure the race’s fabled yellow jersey.

He was the only rider left in the whole race who had not taken performance enhancing drugs of any kind and thus been tested and disqualified.

Conquestador, who rides for the Antiques Channel team, becomes the first Spaniard to win the three-week race since Miguel Indurain, the first ever five-time consecutive winner, in 1991-1995.

The 74-year-old from Madrid virtually secured his first ever yellow jersey on only his second ride in the race after all the riders and teams had been disqualified in the Chablis stage time trial.

Conquestador‘s victory, and indeed the entire 94th edition of the race, will however be tinged with controversy.

There are many who will claim the race was distorted by the mere inclusion, and subsequent exclusion, of Michael Rasmussen.

Denmark’s former two-time winner of the polka dot jersey had saddled up looking for a stage win, and to perhaps be crowned King of the Mountains for a third consecutive time.

To everyone’s surprise, he became a potential though unlikely Tour champion due to his determination and the relative collapse of the Astana team of Alexandre Vinokourov, who was subsequently to be thrown out for blood doping.

Soon, Rasmussen’s own collapse – in the shape of his unceremonious exit from the race – would push Conquestador into the race lead that he would go on to an uncontested ride for the closing days of the race.

One hundred and eighty eight cyclists were thus disqualified and it was up to Alberto Miguel Arturo Diego Conquestador, the only man left in the race to calmly cycle through the Champs Elysees on Sunday to ecstatic cheers and celebrations from the jubilant crowds.

Disgraceful Paris Hilton £50 Million Inheritance Axed

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Hilton senior, the only member of the family left with a sizeable stake in the huge hotel chain, has let it be known that he intends to donate to charity the £1 billion he will gain from this month’s sale of the company to private equity firm Blackstone.

The money will go to the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation, the charity set up in the name of the founder of the family business.

The 79-year-old patriarch is said to have told his high-living family that he is cutting Paris loose – and for good measure his other 11 grandchildren, too, none of whom will now benefit from the windfall.

The rest of the Hilton clan who were set to receive portions of the Hilton fortune are understandably not happy that Paris has diminished their chances of a massive windfall.

 


Paris Hilton, poses for the camera once again
 

 

 

Instead, Barron Hilton is determined to carry on the family tradition for philanthropy.

“He was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris,” says Jerry Oppenheimer, the author of House Of Hilton, the biography of the clan. “He doesn’t want to leave unearned wealth to his family.”

The film actress and ex-convict who has dragged the Hilton name through the dirt was not available for comment personally. Paris Hilton, who pays trashy conglomerate owned celebrity gossip site TMZ large sums of money and uses them as her own personal mouthpiece will probably try to refute the story in a few days with more Michael Sitrick spin.

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