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Cheap Flights for Thousands – A One-Way Ticket to Skin Cancer

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The locals at the Mediterranean resort look on in disgust as another flock of English reprobates and thugs who have secured their holiday in Magaluf for the princely sum of £40 for two weeks of booze and vomit tuck into their chips and sausage meal.

Another obese red British man burps into his full English breakfast and takes another swig from a huge glass of cheap beer, his fifth this morning and all before 9.30.

It looks like a bargain – a cheap flight to the sun. But for thousands it is a one-way ticket to cancer.

The boom in cheap air travel is not only harming the environment but also the health of the millions who fly in search of sun, cheap sex and cheap alcohol.

Soaring rates of skin cancer were blamed yesterday on the British penchant for holidays abroad involving long periods lying on the beach, boozing uncontrollably, public sex and violence.

 


A drunk English holidaymaker is urinated on by his mates

 

Exposing large areas of pallid flesh to the midday sun is the surest way of triggering the lethal form of skin cancer known as malignant melanoma.

By midday the lobsters are heaped up five to the dozen on soiled condom ridden beaches, a distinct smell of frying fat and stale beer wafts over the nasal palate as the bloated English bathers turn over for the other side to bake.

The English penchant for winter ‘fake sunbed’ tans of orange have been supplanted with that of a napalm burn victim from Vietnam, and yet they still come in their flocks year after year.

More of them are doing it than ever before. Melanoma is the fastest-rising cancer, up by 43 per cent in a decade, according to by Cancer Research UK. In younger people, aged 25 to 44, the rise is even higher, up 65 per cent between 1995 and 2004.

Melanoma often starts at the site of a mole and can be treated if caught early. But it is the most aggressive of the skin cancers,causing about 160,800 deaths a year. In 2004 there were 80,939 new diagnoses, up from 50,783 in 1995.

The rise mirrors that in foreign travel, up by 48 per cent between 1997 and 2006 according to the Association of British Travel Agents, with 68 million trips abroad taken last year compared with 46 million in 1997.

Although there is a time lag between exposure to the sun and development of cancer of between eight and 30 years, experts said yesterday that foreign travel was a key factor behind the increase in the cancer, and the boom in cheap flights is certain to see it rise further.

Jane Birkin, director of health information at Cancer Research UK, said: “I do think cheap air travel is a factor behind the increase. The British tend to throw caution to the wind when abroad and, desperate to get a tan, take more risks in the sun. The increase in foreign holidays has been an important cause of the rise in melanoma.”

The sharp rise in younger people with the cancer was a legacy of sunburn contracted during their childhood and adolescence, when the skin is more vulnerable. Sunburn, rather than gentle tanning, carries the highest risk of causing cancer.

 


English holidaymakers Tracy and Kayley enjoy a good sun tanning session in Magaluf

“The younger you are the worse it is. Younger skin is more susceptible to damage. As we age, the skin toughens up and is better protected,” she said. “It is possible to get a little bit of colour and be safe in the sun. It is those reddening and burning episodes that every time increase the risk of cancer. They damage the DNA which the body tries to repair but every time there is more chance of more damage. The more hits you get the greater the risk. Those who behaved badly on holiday in their teens [by not covering up or applying sun cream] are now seeing the effect in their forties.”

Melanoma used to be a disease of affluence, found most commonly among those who could afford to take foreign holidays. But since the boom in package holidays which began in the 1960s and the arrival of cheap flights in the 1990s, the population affected by the disease has changed.

Dr Birkin said: “There is anecdotal evidence from dermatologists that it is affecting less affluent groups – I have heard consultants comment on it.”

Other sharply rising cancers in the past decade include womb cancer, up 21 per cent, and kidney cancer, up 14 per cent. Both are commoner in overweight and obese people and the rises are thought to be driven by expanding waistlines.

 

Foot in Mouth Disease Returns to UK

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The nightmare ‘foot in mouth’ of John Prescott returned to Britain last night,
forcing Gordon Brown to cut short his holiday after only a few hours in
Devon to chair a crisis meeting of Cobra, the emergency planning unit in
Downing Street today.

Mr Prescott who has cost the British taxpayer millions of pounds in expenses and luxuries arrived at Heathrow aboard a Texan Business mans private jet intent on sucking dry more taxpayer cash.

Taxpayers were hit with a £500,000 bill from John Prescott’s office for
travel and hospitality last year, official figures reveal.

They show that even after Mr Prescott was stripped of his
departmental role as Deputy Prime Minister, the public were still
paying hundreds of thousands of pounds towards his and his staff’s
globe-trotting and first class debauchery.

Mr Prescott has also still not moved out of his grace-and-favour flat in Admiralty House in Whitehall.

The travel, subsistence and hospitality bill for the Deputy
Prime Minister’s Office was £507,000 in 2006/07, with overall office
costs being £2.5 million.

This financial year, Mr Prescott embarked on a “farewell tour” of the world, embarking on a tour encompassing 23 countries all in first class and the final bill footed by the tax payer.

A Treasury Minister commented: “John has done nothing wrong, as long as he is a Minister for the Labour party he is allowed a blank cheque.”

“It is better that this large sum of taxpayers money goes to luxury travel and first class food consumed by Prescott, there are enough funds to pay nurses and hospital staff, those workers should not be greedy now,” a Labour official speaking to the Squib on condition of anonymity said yesterday.

During his tenure as Deputy Prime Minister, Prescott did not contribute to anything apart from putting his ‘foot in his mouth’ and spending huge sums of tax payers money on his corrupt indulgent gluttony and greed.

 

Sightings of Great White Shark off Chinese Beach

Ylang Ylang was tossing a volleyball into the melee of 70,000 odd beach revellers on this sweltering summers day when she not only lost the ball amongst thousands of exact replicas but she also spotted a fin moving around in the water.

On Wednesday, more than 70,000 locals and visitors encamped on Fujiazhuang bathing beach, this is the highest figure so far this summer on North eastern China’s Dalian seashore.

The management department of Fujiazhuang Bathing Beach has boosted the number of beach life savers to 27,000 so as to prevent any drownings.

However, they did not count on any Great White sharks combing the waters and looking for some human dim sum.

Party officials were thrown for a six when panic suddenly erupted and 50,000 Chinese swimmers in sector G decided to run out of the water whilst screaming in extreme alarm. This resulted in 20,000 sector H sunbathers being inundated by panic as well.

 


The Great White Shark fin is plainly visible swimming close to the shore in the picture

Marine biologist Xau Fan Fung explains his theory: “I believe the shark was attracted by the splashing and noise that 50,000 people make when bathing in the water simultaneously. Also, sharks are attracted by very small amounts of blood or urine in the water, you can imagine what would happen if there are thousands urinating in the sea at the same time.”

There were no casualties from the shark but some 3000 people were trampled under foot from the stampede.

In the mad scramble 145,000 flip flops were left abandoned and 57,600 beach balls and matching beach towels were discarded.

The resultant yellow urine slick from the fearful bathers could be seen by satellite imaging equipment from space.

Scientists estimate the slick will arrive on the shores of the California coast in 3 weeks.

Elton John to be Banned

The gaudy Rocket Man and selfagrandising grumpy whiner who likes to wear grotesque clothing and show off his bad taste haircuts will thankfully be banned from public appearances as well as all worldwide media.

A spokesman for the worldwide media and public affairs syndication, said: “We have finally shut down the drama queen Elton and his gaudy bad taste appearances from polluting the world ever again.”


There will also be a ban on other useless ‘celebuturd’ whingers getting knighthoods and bans on the hacks flouncing around with their poncey over-inflated banal opinions and gaudy haircuts.“We are now working on shutting down similar banal no talent people.”

There are plans amongst some policy makers within the EU and UN to have Sir Elton detained on an island in the South Pacific with no means of ever escaping. Some are even formulating plans to have Sir Elton shot into space in a capsule so he can live up to his ‘Rocket Man’ status, this may however prove to be too costly a solution.

He
would be allowed to take his husband and his poodles but not allowed
anything else. He will also be stripped of his tax loopholes and his
knighthood.


“These people are a societal pollutant and are detrimental to true culture and art.

“Do not buy or
respond to anything from them and remember to avert your eyes if you
come across anything by accident. This broadcast is the last time we
will address this indecent issue.


“We’re urging people to boycott these hacks and ‘celebuturds’, please report any offending items to the authorities in your locality.”

Sir Elton replied: “I understand the gravity of my sin and know that my punishment for being a ‘poncey arseh*le’ should be severe.

“I Elton John am going to ban the world from the greatness that is me.

“I am the best! Look at my pink spectacles and lime green afro! It matches my buttplug. I’m a Sir, don’t you know! Ooh you look gorgeous in that chiffon.”

Multi-millionaire Elton, who turned 60 earlier this year, has
admitted in the past that he is a disgrace to humanity.

The useless whinger was once quoted as saying: “I am the biggest waste of space
of all time.

“I don’t have any sense of style, dignity or class.

“I am such a shameful waste when it comes to humanity that all I can do is have delusions of grandeur and have pathetic tantrums whilst my colon gets irrigated by my ‘furnished’ ass-istant.”

Sales of Elton’s last album The Captain & The Kid were
disappointing to say the least — it barely shifted 1000 copies.

The flamboyant singer who enjoys batty pursuits plans to paint his fleet of 30 Rolls Royce cars bright pink with yellow polka dots when he turns 61.

The 60th birthday concert for Sir Elton played to a 2000-strong crowd
at New York’s Bronx YMCA was hopefully the last time he ever performs his dire pap in public.

The Governments of the world also announced earlier this year that Elton’s entire back
catalogue of albums would be crushed then recycled as office supplies.

Good riddance to bad rubbish as they say . . .

Only One Cyclist Finishes Tour de France

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Spaniard Alberto Miguel Arturo Diego Conquestador won the drug-tainted Tour de France here on Sunday when he singlehandedly rode his bicycle alone for the majority of the tour to secure the race’s fabled yellow jersey.

He was the only rider left in the whole race who had not taken performance enhancing drugs of any kind and thus been tested and disqualified.

Conquestador, who rides for the Antiques Channel team, becomes the first Spaniard to win the three-week race since Miguel Indurain, the first ever five-time consecutive winner, in 1991-1995.

The 74-year-old from Madrid virtually secured his first ever yellow jersey on only his second ride in the race after all the riders and teams had been disqualified in the Chablis stage time trial.

Conquestador‘s victory, and indeed the entire 94th edition of the race, will however be tinged with controversy.

There are many who will claim the race was distorted by the mere inclusion, and subsequent exclusion, of Michael Rasmussen.

Denmark’s former two-time winner of the polka dot jersey had saddled up looking for a stage win, and to perhaps be crowned King of the Mountains for a third consecutive time.

To everyone’s surprise, he became a potential though unlikely Tour champion due to his determination and the relative collapse of the Astana team of Alexandre Vinokourov, who was subsequently to be thrown out for blood doping.

Soon, Rasmussen’s own collapse – in the shape of his unceremonious exit from the race – would push Conquestador into the race lead that he would go on to an uncontested ride for the closing days of the race.

One hundred and eighty eight cyclists were thus disqualified and it was up to Alberto Miguel Arturo Diego Conquestador, the only man left in the race to calmly cycle through the Champs Elysees on Sunday to ecstatic cheers and celebrations from the jubilant crowds.

Disgraceful Paris Hilton £50 Million Inheritance Axed

 

 

Hilton senior, the only member of the family left with a sizeable stake in the huge hotel chain, has let it be known that he intends to donate to charity the £1 billion he will gain from this month’s sale of the company to private equity firm Blackstone.

The money will go to the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation, the charity set up in the name of the founder of the family business.

The 79-year-old patriarch is said to have told his high-living family that he is cutting Paris loose – and for good measure his other 11 grandchildren, too, none of whom will now benefit from the windfall.

The rest of the Hilton clan who were set to receive portions of the Hilton fortune are understandably not happy that Paris has diminished their chances of a massive windfall.

 


Paris Hilton, poses for the camera once again
 

 

 

Instead, Barron Hilton is determined to carry on the family tradition for philanthropy.

“He was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris,” says Jerry Oppenheimer, the author of House Of Hilton, the biography of the clan. “He doesn’t want to leave unearned wealth to his family.”

The film actress and ex-convict who has dragged the Hilton name through the dirt was not available for comment personally. Paris Hilton, who pays trashy conglomerate owned celebrity gossip site TMZ large sums of money and uses them as her own personal mouthpiece will probably try to refute the story in a few days with more Michael Sitrick spin.

Dow Jones Head Rubbing Lice Epidemic

NEW YORK (AP) – Wall Street suffered one of its worst cases of lice infestation of 2007
Thursday.

Trading bosses in the pit were frantic as they rubbed their sore heads which were itching incessantly.

Some traders who do not even have any hair were itching too as the lice attacked their bald heads.

There was no relief as the lice broke through at lunchtime and peaked before subsiding slightly towards the closing bell.

John Camino who trades S&P futures recounts “One minute I was slapping $350,000 worth of contract going long, next minute my scalp is itching like a motherfucker!”

The next three seconds was crucial for John because he lost all the money and the margin call tag was a hefty $750,000.

He walked away rubbing his bald ‘noggin’ and muttering something about someone giving him some concrete shoes and having a dip in the Hudson.

Margin call for trader

DOW JONES

Head lice are very resilient creatures and it seems they infested the Wall Street floor after Nick Nolte the ailing Hollywood actor opened trading on Thursday by gracing the podium with his presence.

Nick Nolte at the podium for the NYSE opening Thursday

“I had just bought 300 Soy contracts for September at a cost of $2 million when I felt an itching sensation on my head, instead of selling when the market went up and making a profit of $500,000 I was distracted by the itching and made a loss of $956,000,” a woeful James Cyrus Bean recounts still rubbing his sore head.

Losses for the day extended to a monster 34 trillion dollars being wiped off the slate.

By lunchtime the head rubbing was so intense that some bald traders were creating sparks from their sore scalps.

At 3.00 pm a full hour before the close there were desperate calls for fumigators to be brought in and to gas the lice to death.

Even traders with little or no hair were rubbing their lice-ridden heads

Pit bosses yelled frantically as they themselves scratched their scalps uncontrollably.

It was no use the Dow was dropping by the second and wiping whole careers out. By the time the fumigators had arrived the Dow was down 550 points.

Peter Serrano rubs his head full of lice and promptly loses $500,000

By the days close everyone on the NYSE had taken a major hit. The fumigators were in and so were the liquidators.

This ‘lice-fest’ of course was a wonderful opportunity to buy at the bottom.

Whoever engineered the bell ringing by utilising the lice-ridden Hollywood star Nick Nolte I am sure made a handsome sum.

The flea bitten star was not able to comment on lice allegations from his Hollywood retreat – a cardboard box under a freeway bridge in downtown Los Angeles.

Lindsay Lohan Leg Found on Malibu Beach

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Jeffrey Katzenberg, a Hollywood producer, was walking his dog along the Paradise Cove pier in Malibu at 7am PST when he came across the leg.

Malibu is notable for being a residence for celebrities and the town is in shock at the loss of one of their own.

Detective John Roberts of the Malibu/Lost Hills Station made a brief statement to photographers and reporters today at 11.35 PST.

“After discovering the leg this morning our marine specialist has come to the conclusion that this is a shark attack victim. The nature of the bite seems to indicate that this was a huge shark,possibly a Great White shark approximately 35 feet long As of yet we still do not know the whereabouts of Miss Lindsay Lohan and have been interviewing her entourage and hangers on as well as her numerous drug dealers.”

There is a theory going around the investigators that the alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet could have attracted the shark by emitting a low frequency sound.

Warm Californian waters attract Great Whites

There were trips on a private yacht during the party at the Malibu residence. Miss Lohan has not been seen since yesterday.

Lindsay Lohan is the latest celebrity victim to have been caught by the Police drinking and driving as well as with cocaine possession.

She will be due in court on multiple charges next month and for an inevitable jail sentence however first the Police have to find the rest of her.

“We will be conducting DNA tests on the leg and will have results by next week,” Detective John Roberts states.

It is highly likely however that this is Lindsay Lohan’s leg because of the alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet and perfectly pedicured toes as well as a little tattoo saying ‘la bella vita’.

Studio bosses are all waiting anxiously on news about the ailing ‘celebrity’.

Media scramble on news that the leg may belong to Lohan

All Children to be fingerprinted in schools

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Schools are to get the Government’s permission to fingerprint all pupils with a view to future microchipping.

 

Ministers will issue guidance telling them they have the right to
install fingerprint scanners and collect biometric data from children
as young as five.

Data will be used to compile a database of all children in the British Isles as well as future proposals to implement scanning of all adults by 2010.

The data will also be used to monitor school attendance, control lunch queues and help with the issuing of library books.

 


The fingerprinting data will be kept on databases indefinitely

                                                                                                                                                                                              

 

The move is likely to anger opposition MPs and civil liberty campaigners. However, the Government is standing back and not doing anything about it.

About 280 schools are thought to be using fingerprint scans
already after software companies started selling packages five or six
years ago.

Head teachers are seeing a spate of finger amputations in schools because class bullies will do anything to get free lunches. All the bullies need to do is get a severed finger from another classmate and put it in the scanner.

Last night a parents association at Runnymeade Comprehensive complained to the school’s board that their children were coming home with missing fingers.

“This new craze has to stop for Gods sake. My poor johnny only has three fingers left and i’ve had to cancel his piano lessons now.” Julie Timpson said from her council home in East Grinstead.

Posters being distributed in all schools yesterday

 

 

Lib-Dem schools spokesman David Laws said: “It’s about time the
Government responded to our concerns about the haphazard fingerprinting
of children.

“This should never have happened without proper guidance and without the assurance of secure data protection.

“We will want to satisfy ourselves that the Government has
thought through the new policies rather than acting in a knee-jerk
way.”

Liberty, the civil rights group, said: “We have some serious
concerns that this biometric data is being collected from children
simply for administrative convenience.

“We want to know what happens to the data after the children
leave. The police have the right to get into any database, private or
public.”

Now that the British Police are allowed to access traffic camera footage whenever they want and relinquish other private data without any warrants, some people in the UK are starting to slowly question their masters.

Children, Schools and Families Secretary Ed Balls will outline the guidance in a written statement to MPs.

It is expected to say that personal data, including fingerprints
and eyeball scans, can be collected from pupils, with scanners at the
entrance to classrooms, the school gates and in cafeterias.

Schools will have to consult parents first and will not be
permitted to share the data with outside bodies. However, it is
understood that schools will not have to gain written permission from
each parent.

The guidance, written by Becta, the British Education
Communications and Technology Agency, which advises the Government on
technology in education, will go out to schools and further education
colleges.

 

 

 

A Whitehall official said: “We know that schools are
increasingly looking at technology to make their lives easier.
Fingerprinting is popular in some schools as it frees up time for
teachers. It is good for pupils because we can now track them through their whole lives. This is a good measure for security and we will make them embrace our wishes.

“We leave it up to schools to decide what administrative systems
to bring in to make their day to day running smoother. But some parents
have concerns and they will be disciplined accordingly for disobeying Government directives. This guidance will make it crystal clear for their own good.”

Ministers will clarify that data may be used for
other purposes and passed on outside the school when needed.

There are fears that school computers are not secure enough to keep data safe from hackers but this was alleviated by the fact that all biometric data which will be accumulated from the UK population will be freely available to companies who are willing to pay for it.

The Government is engineering a scheme to increase Whitehall funds by selling data to the market on a first come first served basis.

 

 

Snorkeling Holidays in the English Countryside

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The Maldives surely ranks amongst the best snorkeling
destinations in the world. But, have you ever tried snorkeling down Evesham High Street on a Monday evening? Here you have a rare combination of the diversity
of dead livestock, kebabs and sewage water with visibility up to 2 centimeters.
Naturally, the first tourists to the
Gloucestershire countryside were keen divers on the look
out for a new destination. Once you are here you will never want to go to any other destination nor will be able to because of the cholera.

Spots for Snorkeling

What else can be the best areas for snorkeling other than the streets of quaint little English towns! Around
a resort island this is often referred to as the ‘house of reef’. The slope
features kebab shops, the local post office and gift shop which make it quite exciting. As you go
down deeper the changes in the sewage and other marine flora is conspicuously
visible. Along with the smaller objects like discarded tampons and nappies which frequent the reef flats you
have the chance of seeing larger pieces of doner kebabs, a defunct Tory leader, turds and chinese takeaway cartons which sometimes come close to the
reefs.

Those islands with narrow reef flats with lots of channels through to the
outer reef slope are the best ones for snorkeling . Gloucestershire resorts that don’t have
a reef just offshore usually provide a couple of boat trips per day to a
good snorkeling site in nearby Worcestershire.

Don’t worry about the Equipment

All resorts in the English countryside and towns specialize in snorkeling and the equipment required
for snorkeling is available at the resorts. There is no need for you to bring
your own equipment. Most of the resort islands have a “house reef”
close by. From depths starting from one meter onwards, you have an eyeful of perspired farmyard creatures and used toilet paper as well as old tea shops and other quaint English buildings.

Lessons in Snorkeling

Don’t worry even if you don’t have prior knowledge of snorkeling . The
resorts will help you learn by training you first in shallow parts of the English countryside, not more than 30 feet deep. Chief snorkeling and scuba diving instructor Hilary Benn will be pleased to show you how to do it.