17.7 C
London
Thursday, April 3, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 730

UK Olympic Stabbing Event Unveiled

Gunter Scheisse
-
2
UK Olympic Stabbing Event Unveiled

“We needed something to sum up Britishness under the Labour government. What makes Britain Great? Stabbing and unfettered violence by crazed psychotic thug teenage hoodies was the answer. This is how our children and teens are viewed around the world — a violent seething bed of underprivileged hatred and loathing. Knife crime is our forte and we know how to do it best. This is why I am proud to unveil this new Stab Event for the 2012 Olympics,” Lord Coe announced at the British Olympic Federations Head Quarters.

The Stabbing Event will be held in the main arena in the East End of London where Jack the Ripper famously slashed his victims in the 19th century. Each gang’s killer will have a knife of their choice and will warm up first with a few members of the public. Then they will be ushered into the centre of the arena and given the go-ahead by Labour Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. The sole surviving stabber will be awarded with a faux gold ASBO medal on a huge faux gold chain to add to their trophy cabinet at home.

This is possibly the only event Team GB will win with flying capillaries in 2012. English hoodies are the most vicious of worldwide killers and can dissect their victims with expert precision.

“I’ve seen a 12 year old murder a pensioner and take out their liver with surgical expertise. You don’t even get that kind of clinical technique on the NHS,” Labour Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, Andy Burnham told a committee meeting for the 2012 Olympics.

With such a fresh pool of talented new blood to choose from, selecting the 12 GB Stabbing team will be a hard job. There have been 3.8 million British children and teens who have applied for the GB Stabbing team already this week.

“We’re looking for frenzied teen killers who can stab manically and with speed. The Mass Stab Event looks for these exact technical qualities. When we unveil the Precision Stabbing Event, this will call for precise butchery but with speed as well,” Andy Burnham added.

Labour ministers have been commending the increased violence in our streets and homes and encouraging young hoodies and thug gangs to thrive by awarding them prizes for stabbing.

“Our government encourages stabbing and murder by crazed teenagers by awarding them ASBO medals for each murder. If they stab to death multiple law-abiding citizens per annum we award them a brief stint doing community service or safari trips paid for by the taxpayer,” Jacqui Smith the Home Secretary added.

Michelle Obama Tells Hillary Clinton to "Lay Off My Husband"

Gunter Scheisse
-
4
Michelle Obama Tells Hillary Clinton to "Lay Off My Husband"

The pictures
tell a thousand stories, and seem to implicate the two Democrat
senators of colluding in more ways than one. You only have to look at
the wistful look of love blossoming when Hillary gazes into Barack’s
eyes and the subtle smiles the two have for each other.

United States of Lust

Was it all a game? The in-fighting for the primaries looked so
realistic, yet looking at these two now you would think they had
been lovers for years. The two are spending increasingly long
hours together on Barack’s election tour bus planning the Democratic
campaign against John McCain.

 

Yesterday at a rally in Milwaukee Hillary gently brushed her
hand across Barack’s thigh whilst he looked at her with a longing that
betrayed the fire burning in his loins.

A Washington Post reporter was
shocked to see the blatant disregard for the cameras or anyone else for
that matter: “Nothing else seemed to matter for these two. It was as if
they were in a sea alone and did not care even though the sea is full
of sharks, if you know what I mean,” Barbara Schlieissinger wrote in her
weekly column.


“Hillary had not had sex for decades but Obama has rekindled the fire
in her soul. She is a new woman. I’ve seen her blushing and glowing
with joy after her tour bus liaisons. She is flushed and ready to sing
to the crowds like a woman possessed,” Alan Huffington a reporter for
Unities local TV station WMUR9 exclaimed.

Feeling the Heat

Obama’s
election tour bus is sometimes seen rocking in the evenings after
everyone else has gone home. Maybe this is because of Obama’s gruelling
exercise regime that he has been ordered to undergo.

Indeed,
love seems to have some boundaries and their collective spouses. Bill
and Michelle seem to be locked out in the winter blizzards of
exclusion. Bill, who is too busy ‘balls-deep’ amongst the mountain of
political groupies that follow his every move, is not bothered by his
wife’s affections for Barack. He simply turns a blind eye as she has
done for him for many years. In fact, Bill is happy that his wife is
finally off his back and she is free to roam free amongst the wolves so
to speak.


Michelle Obama is a different story altogether and
does not hold the nonchalance of Bill Clinton. Her fits of rage are
legendary and she is such a control freak that she even ensures what
style underpants Barack wears every day as well as what he is allowed
to do or say when he comes home every night.

Obama campaign staffers have witnessed
Michelle’s fiery temper towards him as she slaps his head on the
election tour bus when he does not get a question right during
interview rehearsals.

“I’ve seen her go up to Obama and spank
his head like it was going out of fashion, but he just takes it when
she does it in front of all the staffers and campaigners. It can be
disconcerting, to say the least. One time he got a question wrong while we were
rehearsing and she came up to him and kicked him in the groin. It was
shameful to watch,” Jenny Hatskins, an Obama campaigner, told Fox News.

Barack Obama has had enough of his domineering wife and may have defected for this very reason.


The Democrats are truly united at the moment and it seems that love is blossoming amongst their ranks once again. While the Republicans are known as the War Party the Democrats are known as the Love Party.

The
United States may for the first time in its short history have a
President and Vice-President team that conduct business from bed. That
would be a truly momentous story for the historians to write about in
the future.

Shock Discovery – Global Warming May Be Caused by the Sun Shining

Gunter Scheisse
-
4
Shock Discovery – Global Warming May Be Caused by the Sun Shining

“The sun is very hot and its rays filter through to the earth.”

These are some of the amazing findings coming from scientists studying the global warming panic created by worldwide governments to increase taxation on the general populations.

Professor
Michael Pupkin from the University of California at Irvine, has been studying the sun for the past 45 years in his observatory.

“The sun is hot and blasts out hot rays that travel to the earth. These rays heat the earth and warm it up. This is called Global Warming,” he wrote in New Scientist magazine.

Experts
in California estimate that the sun’s rays are very hot and heat the earth every day.

Research published in New Scientist has found that when the sun shines the earth receives rays from the sun thus warming the earth further.

When the earth is in darkness that part of the earth cools and when the sun rises the earth’s temperature rises.

A spokeswoman for the Department for Environment,
Food and Rural Affairs said: “This is an issue that affects every
country, and we’re working with other members of the EU to ensure that we create new taxes to tax the populations over this terrible issue of Global Warming. Even though we are the ones who tore up the mountains and poisoned the atmosphere in the first place, we want to now create a new Eco cult of taxation thus increasing the stranglehold of the controlling elite.”

 

Amy Winehouse Punches Fan After He Offers Her Singing Lessons

Gunter Scheisse
-
2
Amy Winehouse Punches Fan After He Offers Her Singing Lessons

A voice coach and singing instructor to the stars was beaten violently in front of the cameras by Amy Winehouse over the weekend.

Amy Winehouse was in the middle of her set and slurring her words so badly that she couldn’t even be saved by her beloved Antares Autotuner. Some audience members likened her ‘singing’ to the sound of a “mortally wounded cat in heat” and others commented on her “Thorazine shuffle” as she limped around the stage.

“Sometimes her eyes would roll back in their sockets just exposing the whites, or one eye would roll up whilst the other eye stared ahead vacantly. She brought up some phlegmy froth during the second song and spat it into an engineer’s beer glass and then started laughing like a maniac when he drank from it. Her third song saw her shuffling around the stage and mumbling incoherently whilst waving her bony rear at revellers. We don’t know what the brown substance trickling down her leg was, but it seems the hospital did not supply poor Amy with enough nappies for the night,” music journalist for Melody Maker magazine, Arthur Bevel-Cardigan Johnsons reported.

It was only when the ailing celebrity got down off the main stage and decided to sing her hit song “Rehab” to the audience that things got dangerous.

Glastonbury concert goer Andrew Loog Masterson is an accomplished vocal coach and has coached many stars of the stage and pop world. He was at the front of the stage when Amy trudged towards him mewling like an inhuman animal with its leg caught in a trap.

“Before any Amy Winehouse fans send me any nasty letters, I would just like to say that I did not provoke her in any way. I simply asked her if she would like some singing lessons. That’s when she elbowed me and whacked my eye with her fist. She then told me that she is the best “fakkin'” singer in the “fakkin'” world and then continued moaning incoherently.”

Mr Masterson then went on to add: “At the end of the day it is all part of being at the front and being pushed by thousands of people. It is all part of the Glastonbury experience. I’m just pleased I got to see her before she finally croaks. Not everyone can say they have been hit by Amy Winehouse.”

The fracas was put to an abrupt end by security guards ordered into the violent scene by Glastonbury owner Michael Eavis who had nothing but praise for the celebrity Winehouse.

“If it wasn’t for everyone coming to see the trainwreck that is Amy Winehouse before she finally pops her clogs then I would’ve been out of a few quid. As it is, no one came here to see the headliner R’n’b artist Jay-Z and his sampler on stage – they came to see the trainwreck celebrity. Thank you Amy for being such an entertaining drug- addled loser,” Mr Eavis said.

Mr Eavis would like to book Amy Winehouse for next year’s Glastonbury, but the probability of her still being around then is extremely slim.

Mugabe Surprised to Win Election Again

Gunter Scheisse
-
2
Mugabe Surprised to Win Election Again

Robert Mugabe has been holding celebrations after his landslide win for the election run-off in Zimbabwe.

The election was hard fought between the two campaigning candidates: Robert Mugabe and Robert Mugabe.

Luckily for Robert Mugabe, he won this time and said this about his astounding win: “After a hard fought democratic election, I am happy to announce that I have won again. This was a close call because the other candidate, Robert Mugabe, nearly pipped me at the post.”

Mr. Mugabe received a congratulatory phone call from unelected British PM Gordon Brown yesterday on the eve of his spectacular win.

Next week there will be a swearing-in ceremony — where everyone swears at Robert Mugabe under their breath and wishes on a deadly bolt of lightning.

England Fans Declare Euro Championship Boring

Gunter Scheisse
-
1
England Fans Declare Euro Championship Boring

There were no pitch battles in the streets with drunk fans, fatal stabbings, binge drinking, booing of national anthems, murders or vandalism for Euro 2008. This was because England did not qualify for the competition and stayed at home much to the relief of the Austrian and Swiss hosts.

Instead of the usual violence that always accompanies England’s participation in a football competition, there was good clean football.

Having a competition where there have not been any major violent episodes but just sport has been a ratings disaster for the BBC which has been broadcasting the matches.

“Fu*king boring shite, I turned off after watching the first round. There was no spitting at referees, kneecapping or leg hacking like when England plays. There was not even any fans throwing objects at the players or booing. Can’t wait till England qualify for the next Euro,” Lee Chavhard, 23, a bored fan from Bolton told the BBC.

It seems football with good playing and sportsmanship is not something that English football fans care much for.

The final between Germany and Spain will be played on 29 June 7:45pm.

Soviet British State Celebrates Comrade Brown’s First Year as Supreme Leader

Gunter Scheisse
-
3
Soviet British State Celebrates Comrade Brown’s First Year as Supreme Leader

There were celebrations across Soviet Britain today after the first year of Comrade Brown’s ten year plan passed without any problems or major rebellion.

Since our unelected leader was instated in the non-election, there have been many Soviet milestones reached. The collectivization of cabbage farms, eco-gulags, millions more cctv cameras installed, increased surveillance, and major tax increases for the benefit of the state bureaucracy and Politburo.

Our supreme unelected leader addressed the Soviet people from the podium near the Westminster Duma as a troop of Bolshevik warriors marched down Soviet Whitehall.

“Comrades, brave Bolsheviks who fight against the scourge of the bourgeois corrupt devils of Democracy, we are an unbreakable Union of free republics created by will of the peoples. Long live the united, mighty Soviet British Union! Be renowned, our free Fatherland. Reliable bulwark of the friendship of peoples! Soviet flag, free flag. Let it lead from victory to victory! We developed our army in battles, we will sweep the vile aggressors from the way! In battles we settle the fate of generations, we will lead our Fatherland to glory!”

As cheers and shouts of praise for Comrade Brown rang out from the proles, there was a sustained applause for thirty minutes. Some comrades were so overcome with Soviet spirit that they fainted where they stood, to be attended by brave British Soviet nurses and stretcher bearers.

After the parade Comrade Brown’s Commissar for taxation, Comrade Darling, announced even more tax increases on top of the immense increases of last week. The taxation is for the good of the people and will pay for more Commissars’ and High level Comrades’ expense accounts so they can commandeer stately machinations and duties better.


Long Live Comrade Brown and the Labour Party INGSOCK Notice: B37112

Guns ‘N Roses to Release Album When China Becomes Democracy

Gunter Scheisse
-
5
Guns ‘N Roses to Release Album When China Becomes Democracy

David Geffen will have the new album delivered to his record company when “China becomes a democracy” a statement released on Wednesday announced.

The Chinese Peoples Republic is scheduled to eventually embrace Democracy in approximately 100-200 years according to experts on Communism.

“There is a distinct possibility that the Chinese hierarchy can be toppled sooner than we think by a second peoples revolution almost akin to the breakdown of Communism in Soviet Russia in the late 80’s. China seems to already have embraced capitalism and is being used as the work horse of the world with cheap labour to create useless Chinese trinkets that break easily,” Professor of Economics at Harvard Technical College, Brian Weinstein has outlined in Newsweek.

Another stipulation that was written into the ‘Chinese Democracy’ contract 14 years ago by W. Axl Rose is that the CD’s should be processed and printed in China as well — but only once China has found Democracy.

Guns ‘N Roses fans all over the world have met the news with disgust and anger. The music fans now have a wait for the new album that could last decades until the Chinese Communist Republic finds Democracy.

One disappointed fan from New Jersey is even vowing to organise a trip to China so as to bring about Democracy. Ed Rezno, 23, said: “Me and some dedicated G’N’R fans are organising a trip to Beijing this summer so we can bring about Democracy to their nation — y’all ever her about Tiannemen Square? Well, we’re gonna be there this summer and it’s gonna be a petition for Democracy. W’ere gonne bring revolution to the Chinese the G’N’R way!”

You’ve waited this long for the Chinese Democracy album. What is another 100 year wait?

McCain Trying Hard to Stay Alive for Election

Gunter Scheisse
-
1
McCain Trying Hard to Stay Alive for Election

There are only a few months left until the American general election and John McCain is trying his utmost to stay alive so he can see it through.

Senator McCain is followed everywhere he goes by a dedicated medical team consisting of three ambulances, a mobile operating table, 23 nurses, 14 doctors and dedicated resuscitation unit.

GOP representatives on Tuesday were anxious to prove that their candidate has the required fighting spirit when they allowed McCain to walk 10 metres without the use of a wheelchair or respirator to make a speech in Idaho.

“He can go down at any time and we are 100% prepared for any eventualities. We even have a truck following him that carries gallons of his blood in case he needs an emergency transfusion or major surgery,” Don Wentzel, Chief Medical Officer for the McCain Emergency Team revealed to CNN on Tuesday.

 

The McCain Emergency Team truck is fully equipped

 

Senator John McCain, who is going to be 104 years old in August, has partial eyesight as well as limited hearing. He is still capable of walking but gets tired very easily.

His second wife who is thirty years his junior is also concerned for her husband and has urged the pensioner to slow down his campaigning to become the next president.

McCain’s campaign team is also under strict orders not to excite him in any way and never to introduce any sudden scares which could be fatal to the election.

On the campaign bus they have been playing the Bee Gees hit “Staying Alive” on a constant loop and it has now been adopted as McCain’s theme tune and is piped into venue speaker systems before he arrives.

Whether McCain will heed his wife’s warnings is another matter, but the soldier in him still has alot to fight about and he will not be stopping any time soon.

New Book Uncovers Startling Evidence that Adolf Hitler was a Practising Hippy

Gunter Scheisse
-
1
New Book Uncovers Startling Evidence that Adolf Hitler was a Practising Hippy

When he was not ordering stormtroopers into Germany’s neighbouring countries, Adolf Hitler would relax with a large bong and strum on his ukelele.

The dictator would often break from the serious nature of waging his campaign to “paint flowers on his VW Camper van” before driving it around the Bavarian countryside with his entourage of free-spirited fellow “magic mushroom munching hippies”.

His favourite hippy friend was the Luftwaffe chief Herman Goering, who was notoriously fond of wearing medals and decorations on his flared lederhosen trousers whilst singing freedom songs around a fire.

“Feelin’ groovy”

According to the book a servant working at the Fuhrer’s hippy hideout, the Kehlsteinhaus, told of how Hitler and his hippy friends rarely washed and would smell awful especially in the summer months.

Having a bath was a dirty word and the boys would prefer to be out driving around in their VW van, indulging in magic mushrooms and playing their bongo drums. Eva Braun was said to not mind Hitler’s penchant for not washing because she herself never washed or shaved.

 

Hitler driving his beloved VW camper van around Berchtesgaden circa 1943

Hitler was said to be very proud of his platform shoes which he acquired after ordering a team of German scientists to develop them secretly in 1942.

When the war was over, an enterprising American GI found the secret plans for the platform shoes and took them to America. During the 60’s and 70’s they were finally introduced into American culture. Hitler, however preferred to go everywhere barefoot and seldom wore any shoes when he was not on duty as the Fuhrer.

On another occasion he noticed his official drug supplier Heinrich Hoffman had drunk too much peyote juice: “Heini! Far out man – don’t finish it up – leave some for us too.”

“We all want to change the world”

The Fuhrer’s hippy credentials, which included ingesting huge amounts of psychedelic drugs, and eating bucketloads of lentils with his Bavarian veggie sausage has been finally revealed in a book called The Last Toke, to be published in Britain later this year.

It is written by Dharma Borman, 90, one of the hangers-on in the Berlin Psychedelic Bunker where Hitler spent his last days before being abducted by aliens in April 1945.

1...729730731...755Page 730 of 755
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

Buy Me A Coffee