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Record Number of Britons Leaving Sinking Ship UK for Better Life Abroad

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A record number of Brits are packing their bags and escaping the horror that is now miserable Britain for a new
life abroad, according to new figures.

 

The Office of National Statistics showed 385,000 people migrated from the country in the year to July 2006.

1.8 million British nationals have left the country since 1997.

This is the highest figure since official counting methods were introduced in 1991 and is the greatest emigration since before the First World War.

At the same time, more than three million mainly Eastern European foreign nationals have arrived.

Many of the people who are leaving British shores are skilled professionals who are taking their skills elsewhere for a better life and brighter future.

The influx into the UK however is of the non-skilled economic migrant, they often breed with high frequency and are a burden on the UK benefits system.

The quality of life is now so bad in Britain that native Britons are clamoring to jump from the festering Labour mess that has been foisted on this once great country.

Taxes are so high in Britain now that a person has to work 5 months in a year before they start to make any money for themselves.

For every pound spent on petrol 80 pence goes straight to the treasury, council tax has risen by 650% since Labour came into power, normal everyday goods like bread are now expensive commodities compared to other parts of the world, if you work you are worse off than a subsidised chav with 6 kids where everything is paid for them, there is no room left to move in some cities because of the unfettered immigration that the Labour Government has allowed etc etc..

 

 

Tips on how to escape Britain
– Find a country to escape to, then research jobs and housing

– Sell everything you own and if you cannot do that, give it away

– Say goodbye to everyone you know and wish them luck in staying in abject UK misery

– Crack open the champagne as you are flying off into the sunset!

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Doherty Honoured by Queen at Buckingham Palace

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Pete Doherty was honoured at Buckingham Palace for his services to British ‘drug-taking’ and ‘prison-dodging’ today.

He is now a proud Member of the Order of the British Empire.

Kneeling before the Queen, he picked up a syringe which had fallen out of his jacket and shrugged his shoulders whilst smiling like a Cheshire cat.

Artful Dodger

The Queen has been very impressed by Pete’s prison dodging antics and calls him affectionately ‘the artful dodger’.

To date, Doherty has been caught over 29 times and only briefly arrested once for carrying large quantities of class A drugs like heroin, ketamine, cocaine, crack and meth amphetamine.

He has been immune to prosecution nearly every time and walked free out of all court sessions intended to jail him for longer periods.

Awarded for achievement or service in and to the community that is outstanding in its field; or very local ‘hands-on’ service which stands out as an example to others.

Doherty has shown to have outclassed and outrun the useless prosecution services each and every time and made them into a laughing stock only fit for ridicule.

To celebrate his new found status Doherty took out a large grotty HIV infected syringe in front of the Queen, smiled at her as he rubber banded his arm and dug the needle deep into one of his only working veins.

It was at this moment a little squirt of blood gently spilled onto the Queen’s shoes.

Bravo!

Doherty Glad to be Back in Prison

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Pete Doherty’s request to go to notorious Leyhill Prison for his inevitable sentence has been answered with an appreciative ‘yes’ from the Prison authorities and Judge concerned.

Pete Doherty’s Lawyer made a statement on behalf of the star: “I am glad my request to go to Leyhill Prison where the smack is actually purer than the street has been accepted. I would like to thank the judge for agreeing to give me some much needed time out where I can indulge away from the public gaze.”

A spokesman for Leyhill exclaimed they are preparing for Doherty’s entrance tonight at 10 PM. His room will have a colour television, a ps3 console with 5 top games, a dvd machine where he can order 3 films a day from the prison’s extensive library and of course the pièce de résistance – as many drugs as he wants. The prison has uppers and downers and has the finest Afghan heroin in the country. We give each prisoner new needles every morning so they do not re-use the needles or get infections. We also supply crack smoking pipes in the Prison shop.

A former inmate talks to the Daily Squib about his experience: “The drugs are more rife there than in traditional jails. When I got to Leyhill I found that was true. Drugs were being used frequently and I was constantly coerced and tempted. In the mornings I would take cocaine and heroin speedballs, then by the afternoon I would be chasing the dragon and smoking crack cocaine.”

“It’s like a holiday camp,” he said. “The only thing it doesn’t have is a swimming pool. Although the Labour Government is going to have one installed next year at a cost of £450,000 to the taxpayer.

“You can get any drugs. It’s easier to get them inside than it is outside. I saw lads who didn’t do drugs become addicted to heroin and all sorts
while they were there.”

The cost to the taxpayer to have these prisoners looked after in the lap of luxury per annum is £75,000.

No wonder Pete Doherty is glad to be going back to prison. Here he will get all the drugs he wants and he will be pampered in the lap of luxury.

A spokesman for the UK Prison Authority exclaimed, “People pay good money to get his facilities and he will be getting all this for free. We have extensive entertainment facilities, over 20 pool tables, each room has its own ps3 console and HD TV, the prison also has a very large DVD collection including all the cult films and hard to get DVD’s. The food is health-orientated and every night prisoners are given a menu where they tick off what gourmet cuisine they would like for the next day.”

No Paparazzi Attend Set-Up Paris Hilton Photo Op!

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Paris Hilton was seen to be distraught and staring around wildly in a quiet Beverly Hills street on Sunday evening.

Her eyes were wild as she stumbled around pulling at her hair frantically, recalls the only person who witnessed her getting into her $250,000 Bentley.

Joe is a tramp who sometimes ventures into the quiet street to go through some high class trash cans and get some choice morsels of gourmet cuisine left overs.

 


Joe who has been sleeping rough for 15 years poses for the camera



We speak to him as he brushes some maggots away from a discarded fillet mignon steak he has recovered. “I saw her come out of a house alone. I was hiding in a bush and this woman went crazy! She started shouting at the driver about there not being any photographers and news people. Her driver tried to tell her that he had called all the news people on the list and he didn’t know why they did not turn up. She got into her car and it looked real special. She was wearing some very fancy clothes as well. She said her name was Paris and kept shouting out how great she was and the paparazzi can all go to hell and stuff.”

We asked Joe if he had a camera so as to take pictures of Paris getting into her Bentley at the time. “No, I once found a camera in a trash can but sold it to a pawn shop to get some more booze. I saw her with my own eyes I tell ya.”

Ms Hilton, who craves attention at all times, has to call photographers and celebrity gossip outlets before she makes any public moves. This time, however, it seems that only one person witnessed her leaving the party she attended.

The Daily Squib gave Joe, who has been walking the streets for 15 years, some money so he can go and buy a fresh steak and maybe some shoes. We thank him for his inadvertent reportage.

Pete Doherty Angry over Winehouse Media Blitz

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There was a day when every newspaper held the name of the illustrious Pete Doherty. He would either be up there for his latest drug bust, his latest court appearance or his latest washed up model girlfriend.

Not a day has gone by within the last year where a newspaper or media outlet has not discussed his crack taking or heroin addiction.

That is of course until ‘that’ Winehouse woman came on the block.

Now she is the one who the papers write about. Her addictions and Bellatrix Le Strange looks have fascinated the tabloids much to the chagrin of Doherty who has been left with less column inches than Cliff Richard as of late.

Doherty is weeping into his ‘stash’ as he stabs his collapsed vein over and over again because this time there are no cameras or photographers to witness his ‘talented drug show’.

 

These two have many things in common however much they detest each other.

They are both not known for their ‘music’ but for their dishevelled druggy looks and self-destructive drug taking.

Winehouse, who cannot sing but howls in a pseudo-r’n’b wail with a brass band on stage and a manky birds nest rotting on her scalp, has been hailed by what is known as the ‘music biz’ today – as the ‘next big thing’.

Doherty, who is only able to play four chords on his guitar and mumble incoherently over the noise, was once hailed as the next musical poet. However, this was knocked firmly on its head by him rarely turning up to perform and by being constantly arrested by the fuzz.

 


Pete Doherty in his heyday, now he’s just another washed up junkie with no talent or news coverage

 

Now that Amy Winehouse is the new darling of the press, what is left for Doherty? We suspect he will still feel compelled to inject his arms with heroin and smoke crack rocks, albeit this time without the cameras.

Doherty’s people may have to engineer a re-union with Kate soon enough to increase his profile. There are already whisperings of clandestine meetings where the media operation is being planned.

Hunter S Thompson said it best: The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side”.


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Madonna Seen Flying with Commercial Airline to Cut Carbon Footprint

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Since her momentous performance at the much criticised Live Earth extravaganza, Madonna has been making every effort to please the pundits and naysayers by trying to reduce her huge carbon footprint.

The great lady now embarks on journeys across the pond to her homeland and back flying first class of course on commercial airlines.

In fact, she was just spotted the other day flying in first class from New York to London. A fellow passenger witnessed her ‘Madgesty’ eating her food in a very interesting manner.

The star, who does not eat solid food anymore and has not for the last fifteen years, injected her arm with a four course meal and dessert.

Madonna explained in an interview to Hello magazine in May that she has a five star Michelin rated chef cook a four course meal for her every day.

Once the meal is cooked it is all blended in a bucket and then the juices and nutrients are extracted into a tiny vial. This groundbreaking technique has been adopted by many celebrities now and saves on the whole messy eating solid food process.

Her private chef Gilles Rais divulged to the Daily Squib that during the seven hour flight from New York Madonna injected herself with one vial consisting of a starter of Soupe d’aiglefin fumé, tartare de loup de mer caviar d’Osciètre followed by a scrumptious Risotto de petits légumes de saison.

The next course was Rouget de roche, fricassée de calamars et brandade de morue jus de bouillabaisse, followed shortly by Assiette de cochon de lait rôti et son jus de cuisson.

Dessert was the finest Croustade de pommes caramélisées glace au miel et gingembre washed down with some Café “Pur Arabica”, petits fours et chocolats du Manoir.

Having partaken of this astounding meal Madonna was seen to belch ever so gently into her handkerchief.

The rest of the passengers however had to make do with either rubberised chicken and soggy vegetables or a microwaved vegetarian lasagne which tasted like cardboard.

Philip Green Looks into Improving Slave Labour Sweatshop

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Factories supplying Sir Philip Green, who is based in Monaco and is worth nearly £5 billion, employ hundreds of Sri Lankan, Indian and Bangladeshi workers in Mauritius where they labour for up to 22 hours a day, six days a week.

Speaking from his luxury yacht on Monday, Green stated: “I am shocked to have heard that reporters have been able to infiltrate the operation. I am completely surprised that I have been profiteering to such a high level. I am completely innocent in this and surprised to hear about it.”

Workers told The Daily Squib that they were conned in their home countries by ‘self-employed’ con men employed by Green who promised wages up to five times what they receive. They pay up to £725 to get the job, equivalent to seven months’ earnings.

Once in Mauritius they receive as little as 22p to 40p an hour, about 40% below the local average wage.

Mr Green made sure to add that he would increase pay by 3 pence to every sweat shop workers wages as well as have the ankle chains on workers removed. Further plans are being made to reduce working hours by half an hour and allow workers to drink one cup of water whilst working 22 hour shifts in the 100 degree heat.


 

Green, rated seventh in The Sunday Times Rich List, largely avoids personal tax by paying dividends to his wife, Lady Stinka, who lives offshore.

In 2005 she was paid £1.2 billion, which amounted to £3.3m for every day of the year.

He told a reporter last week that he was having a marvellous time on his £300 million yacht off the coast of Turkey.

“My luxury yacht uses up £60,000 worth of fuel per mile so I need to run the damn thing, don’t you think? The workers are the ones who are the machinary behind my wonderful yacht. As a gesture, I have made provisions for them to be rewarded by 3 pence each. Who says I am not a generous guy?”

Kate Moss, who has also profited off the slave trade, is to visit Green next week to plan for another factory opening in Bangladesh.

Next year is set to be another very profitable tax-free year for the Greens and Moss’.

Cheap Flights for Thousands – A One-Way Ticket to Skin Cancer

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The locals at the Mediterranean resort look on in disgust as another flock of English reprobates and thugs who have secured their holiday in Magaluf for the princely sum of £40 for two weeks of booze and vomit tuck into their chips and sausage meal.

Another obese red British man burps into his full English breakfast and takes another swig from a huge glass of cheap beer, his fifth this morning and all before 9.30.

It looks like a bargain – a cheap flight to the sun. But for thousands it is a one-way ticket to cancer.

The boom in cheap air travel is not only harming the environment but also the health of the millions who fly in search of sun, cheap sex and cheap alcohol.

Soaring rates of skin cancer were blamed yesterday on the British penchant for holidays abroad involving long periods lying on the beach, boozing uncontrollably, public sex and violence.

 


A drunk English holidaymaker is urinated on by his mates

 

Exposing large areas of pallid flesh to the midday sun is the surest way of triggering the lethal form of skin cancer known as malignant melanoma.

By midday the lobsters are heaped up five to the dozen on soiled condom ridden beaches, a distinct smell of frying fat and stale beer wafts over the nasal palate as the bloated English bathers turn over for the other side to bake.

The English penchant for winter ‘fake sunbed’ tans of orange have been supplanted with that of a napalm burn victim from Vietnam, and yet they still come in their flocks year after year.

More of them are doing it than ever before. Melanoma is the fastest-rising cancer, up by 43 per cent in a decade, according to by Cancer Research UK. In younger people, aged 25 to 44, the rise is even higher, up 65 per cent between 1995 and 2004.

Melanoma often starts at the site of a mole and can be treated if caught early. But it is the most aggressive of the skin cancers,causing about 160,800 deaths a year. In 2004 there were 80,939 new diagnoses, up from 50,783 in 1995.

The rise mirrors that in foreign travel, up by 48 per cent between 1997 and 2006 according to the Association of British Travel Agents, with 68 million trips abroad taken last year compared with 46 million in 1997.

Although there is a time lag between exposure to the sun and development of cancer of between eight and 30 years, experts said yesterday that foreign travel was a key factor behind the increase in the cancer, and the boom in cheap flights is certain to see it rise further.

Jane Birkin, director of health information at Cancer Research UK, said: “I do think cheap air travel is a factor behind the increase. The British tend to throw caution to the wind when abroad and, desperate to get a tan, take more risks in the sun. The increase in foreign holidays has been an important cause of the rise in melanoma.”

The sharp rise in younger people with the cancer was a legacy of sunburn contracted during their childhood and adolescence, when the skin is more vulnerable. Sunburn, rather than gentle tanning, carries the highest risk of causing cancer.

 


English holidaymakers Tracy and Kayley enjoy a good sun tanning session in Magaluf

“The younger you are the worse it is. Younger skin is more susceptible to damage. As we age, the skin toughens up and is better protected,” she said. “It is possible to get a little bit of colour and be safe in the sun. It is those reddening and burning episodes that every time increase the risk of cancer. They damage the DNA which the body tries to repair but every time there is more chance of more damage. The more hits you get the greater the risk. Those who behaved badly on holiday in their teens [by not covering up or applying sun cream] are now seeing the effect in their forties.”

Melanoma used to be a disease of affluence, found most commonly among those who could afford to take foreign holidays. But since the boom in package holidays which began in the 1960s and the arrival of cheap flights in the 1990s, the population affected by the disease has changed.

Dr Birkin said: “There is anecdotal evidence from dermatologists that it is affecting less affluent groups – I have heard consultants comment on it.”

Other sharply rising cancers in the past decade include womb cancer, up 21 per cent, and kidney cancer, up 14 per cent. Both are commoner in overweight and obese people and the rises are thought to be driven by expanding waistlines.

 

Foot in Mouth Disease Returns to UK

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The nightmare ‘foot in mouth’ of John Prescott returned to Britain last night,
forcing Gordon Brown to cut short his holiday after only a few hours in
Devon to chair a crisis meeting of Cobra, the emergency planning unit in
Downing Street today.

Mr Prescott who has cost the British taxpayer millions of pounds in expenses and luxuries arrived at Heathrow aboard a Texan Business mans private jet intent on sucking dry more taxpayer cash.

Taxpayers were hit with a £500,000 bill from John Prescott’s office for
travel and hospitality last year, official figures reveal.

They show that even after Mr Prescott was stripped of his
departmental role as Deputy Prime Minister, the public were still
paying hundreds of thousands of pounds towards his and his staff’s
globe-trotting and first class debauchery.

Mr Prescott has also still not moved out of his grace-and-favour flat in Admiralty House in Whitehall.

The travel, subsistence and hospitality bill for the Deputy
Prime Minister’s Office was £507,000 in 2006/07, with overall office
costs being £2.5 million.

This financial year, Mr Prescott embarked on a “farewell tour” of the world, embarking on a tour encompassing 23 countries all in first class and the final bill footed by the tax payer.

A Treasury Minister commented: “John has done nothing wrong, as long as he is a Minister for the Labour party he is allowed a blank cheque.”

“It is better that this large sum of taxpayers money goes to luxury travel and first class food consumed by Prescott, there are enough funds to pay nurses and hospital staff, those workers should not be greedy now,” a Labour official speaking to the Squib on condition of anonymity said yesterday.

During his tenure as Deputy Prime Minister, Prescott did not contribute to anything apart from putting his ‘foot in his mouth’ and spending huge sums of tax payers money on his corrupt indulgent gluttony and greed.

 

Sightings of Great White Shark off Chinese Beach

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Ylang Ylang was tossing a volleyball into the melee of 70,000 odd beach revellers on this sweltering summers day when she not only lost the ball amongst thousands of exact replicas but she also spotted a fin moving around in the water.

On Wednesday, more than 70,000 locals and visitors encamped on Fujiazhuang bathing beach, this is the highest figure so far this summer on North eastern China’s Dalian seashore.

The management department of Fujiazhuang Bathing Beach has boosted the number of beach life savers to 27,000 so as to prevent any drownings.

However, they did not count on any Great White sharks combing the waters and looking for some human dim sum.

Party officials were thrown for a six when panic suddenly erupted and 50,000 Chinese swimmers in sector G decided to run out of the water whilst screaming in extreme alarm. This resulted in 20,000 sector H sunbathers being inundated by panic as well.

 


The Great White Shark fin is plainly visible swimming close to the shore in the picture

Marine biologist Xau Fan Fung explains his theory: “I believe the shark was attracted by the splashing and noise that 50,000 people make when bathing in the water simultaneously. Also, sharks are attracted by very small amounts of blood or urine in the water, you can imagine what would happen if there are thousands urinating in the sea at the same time.”

There were no casualties from the shark but some 3000 people were trampled under foot from the stampede.

In the mad scramble 145,000 flip flops were left abandoned and 57,600 beach balls and matching beach towels were discarded.

The resultant yellow urine slick from the fearful bathers could be seen by satellite imaging equipment from space.

Scientists estimate the slick will arrive on the shores of the California coast in 3 weeks.