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Sarah Palin Honoured at George W Bush University

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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Sarah Palin Honoured at George W Bush University

The George W Bush University of Higher Learning is a seat of excellence
that has demonstrated many incredible feats of academic and technical
prominence.

Established by George W Bush in 2003, the university has even given Princeton and Harvard substantial competition.

The universities patron and founder, the current
President of the United States was on hand himself to present the honorary
degree to Mrs Palin.

Speaking from the universities grand hall, the President was pictured looking
as scholarly as ever and positively professorial in his demeanour. 

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. If one’s proclivities and sensibilities towards the cum laude tribute of our esteemed guest, Sarah Palin does not fall within the parameters of angular momentum and venerable integrity, then beat me with a bunch of freshly picked bananas. Her geographical knowledge is second to none, just last week she informed me over a cup of Earl Grey that she could positively identify Europe on a map. I then went on to ask her what she thought the ‘credit crunch’ was. She tentatively replied — a type of biscuit. Indeed, and I produced from underneath the table some freshly baked ginger nuts for her consumption. I then asked her who the terrorists were. This was the clincher my fellow alumnae, she replied: “Anyone who is not a White Right Wing Creationist Homicidal Gun-toting Moose-eating Gas-guzzling Fox News Watching American.” Well, there you have it, her candidacy and qualifications for the honorary Doctorate are immaculate.”

Palin, 44, who has proudly reduced the entire population of the Alaskan moose down to three solely by herself last winter has also given her backing to research
into causing more worldwide war and conflict with insular and ignorant foreign policies.

“I
am extremely honoured to be receiving this honorary degree from such a
distinguished university,” she said, “with such a dynamic
international reputation.”

UK Businesses Face Costly Cyber Attacks

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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0
UK Businesses Face Costly Cyber Attacks

According to cyber security firm the Hiscox group, a small to medium sized business in the United Kingdom is attacked every 19 seconds. Not all these cyber attacks are successful but when they are, the ramifications can easily place a smaller company in financial strife.

The Hiscox group notes that the average “clean-up” cost runs at £25,700, that figure doesn’t take into account any ongoing loss of revenue as a result of reputational damage as clients lose faith in the company and take their business elsewhere.

For many companies, this cost is enough to put them out of business for good. Further compounding the security issues facing small businesses in the UK is that they are frequently targeted by threat actors.

Hackers and other would-be cyber criminals assume that smaller companies have poor cyber defences and target them over larger firms. Unfortunately, the hackers are usually right and small businesses’ “honey-pot” servers prove a boon for threat actors.

Staying as secure as possible was always a challenge, but it’s even more pertinent now with an increasingly dynamic threat landscape and a number of COVID-19 inspired attacks making the digital rounds.

Below are some actionable steps small and medium-sized companies can take to mitigate the risks.

  • Invest in enterprise-level firewalls for greater perimeter security.
  • Try to limit the number of personal devices employees use for work purposes. Bring Your Own Device (BYOD) culture significantly increases the threat level.
  • Ensure all employee accounts are secured with two-factor or even multi-factor authentication.
  • Set up an account breach monitoring system to detect any threats before they reach a critical level.
  • Invest in a comprehensive cyber security insurance policy, especially if the company in question handles sensitive client data.
  • Make sure all company devices have high-quality, paid antimalware and antivirus programs. Contrary to popular belief, both are necessary.

£500 Billion to Buy Humungous Amount of Prostitutes and Champagne for Bank Executives

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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2
£500 Billion to Buy Humungous Amount of Prostitutes and Champagne for Bank Executives

The Labour government has ensured that the bloated greed infused banking animals who chop their cocaine on boardroom tables and guzzle champagne at £25,000 a glass will have an extra pay day courtesy of even more taxpayers cash.

“Last night I snorted a kilo of charlie off a whores naked arse, she charged £10,000 an hour for the privilege. That was all paid for by the taxpayer and it actually made me enjoy it more,” a trader for HBOS told BBC News at Six reporter Rajesh Brangawallah.

Top banks who have caused the financial meltdown in the first place with their greed and recklessness are now being patted on the back for their gluttony.

The Bank of England is now announcing that all banking executives who are above all laws of economics or all law for that matter, can simply put in their expense account claims straight to the Treasury itself.

Labour ministers have told top executives that taxpayers money which used to have a limited supply to bankers would now be available more freely.

Louis Roederer, Cristal Brut 1990

“Even though the banking institutions and greed driven executives are responsible for this unholy mess we’re in, we as Labour ministers are also to blame because of our dithering, weak lilly livered time wasting, indecisive inaction and of course our own greed and power hungry cronyism and in-fighting. To that end, it is true to say that we are all fucked,” a Labour minister working for the Treasury disclosed at Parliamentary question time to great applause.

The financial blackhole which has been plugged by the British taxpayers so that Fatcat executives can carry on with their debauchery is another indication of how downtrodden the British public is.

“I’ve ordered up five top notch whores for tonight, we will dine at London’s finest restaurants with a bill estimated at around £56,000. Then we will ensconce to a Park Lane hotel where I will snort lines off their naked bodies and be fellated by each of them in turn and sometimes three or four of them at the same time. My climax, will of course be tremendous purely at the thought of British taxpayers footing the bill, phoaargh!” Tarquin-Dickinson-Johnsons, a spread trader at Barclays told Reuters.

McCain ‘Still Alive’ Say Advisers

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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1
McCain ‘Still Alive’ Say Advisers

Steve Scheisse, one of the Republican candidate’s senior aides, said: “When
you look at this race with 28 days to go, we are of the firm belief that John McCain will survive for that long and win the race.

“Senator McCain has been written off for dead at least three
times so far in the last two days. We have the best medical teams in this country dedicated to ensuring his survival during the election.

“At the end of the day Senator McCain is still alive, and we can assure our supporters and backers that he will live past the election date.”

Mr McCain is regularly pumped with a formaldehyde solution to give his complexion the appearance of youth.

After the debate, McCain was stretchered off the stage and given CPR as well as oxygen. His handlers were extremely happy with his performance and thought that he had clinched the debate despite him falling asleep half way through and wandering off the stage three times.

Steve Scheisse, Mr McCain‘s chief strategist, told assembled reporters before the debate that the “gloves are off” then added “but don’t worry his depends diapers are staying on”.

He also added that there had been a decisive shift in America’s mood that would
carry Mr McCain to victory. “The wagon wheel of history is turning here,”
said Mr Scheisse.

Polls taken
immediately after Tuesday night’s clash in Nashville show that the 125
year old’s position in the race is heating up. A CNN national poll
registered Mr McCain as the winner by 54 to 30 points and a CBS poll
had Mr McCain edging out his rival by 39 to 27
points.

Brown Nationalises British Capitalist Banks

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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0
Brown Nationalises British Capitalist Banks

It is the Soviet duty of every British citizen to pay for the new banking system which has come into the New Age of Change and is the vision of our great unelected leader, Comrade Brown.

Taxpayers £500 billion

The Commissar for Banking and Dithering, Alistair Darling, was ordered by our supreme leader to lead the destruction of the last bastions of the vile capitalist banking system which is epitomised by greed and bloated waste.

Speaking from the Westminster Duma, supreme unelected leader Comrade Brown addressed the people: “Comrades, Red Army and Red Navy men, commanders and
political instructors, men and womenworkers, men and women
collective farmers, intellectuals, brothers and sisters in
the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of
the capitalist brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas
who are disrupting the rear of the bourgeois invaders!

“On behalf of the British Government and our Bolshevik
Labour Party I greet you and congratulate you on the
anniversary of the great Socialist Revolution Vision of Change.

“Comrades,
I have instructed Comrade Darling to create a Peoples Bank for the
Proletariat of Britain. Every worker and citizen will have the honour
of being part of the nations large debt mountain.

“We are simply replacing the vile capitalist economic system with the superior Soviet economy centralised system. Exactly the same people raking in the money but a different facade.

“Every
worker will shoulder the burden of our workers struggle. I have put
aside £500 billion for now to be paid by every worker in our great
nation – a mere £25,000 of debt for each citizen to enjoy. Work hard my
brothers and sisters – your duty is to work yourselves to death so that high party officials in the Labour party and the Sovietized banking sector fat cats can live privileged and luxurious lives.”

There were cheers and scenes of jubilation in the proletariat areas when the announcements were made.

“Comrade Brown is our great leader and I salute him. We are so happy as Soviet British citizens to foot the huge bill so that bankers and ministers can keep their living standards high. I as a prole am willing to live on gruel and mush for the rest of my miserable life in a hovel with no heating or windows. I salute our leader’s 5 year plan of hardship, misery and hard labour. I salute the great unelected Comrade Brown for his leadership of our Soviet British nation. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!” a prole from sector 347b told BBC reporter Gupta Manjandrani.

Iceland on Sale for $5,999.99 on eBay

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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3
Iceland on Sale for $5,999.99 on eBay

Located in the North Atlantic Ocean between mainland Europe and Greenland. It is the least populous of the Nordic countries and the second smallest; it has a population of about 320,000 and a total area of 103,000 km².

The internet auction will not include Iceland’s greatest export, Bjork but will include lots of volcanoes, glaciers, penguins and some people with some very interesting names like Sigurður Breiðfjörð (pronounced similar to the sound of coughing up phlegm).

The Icelandic economy is totally bankrupted but you can find solace in the fact that the local cuisine of delicacies like cured ram’s scrota (skyr) and barbecued sheep heads will be there to keep you warm in this f*cking freezing penniless wasteland of an island.

The eBay auction was put up by Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson who is the current president of Iceland.

“Atleast if we get a few thousand dollars for our whole island we will be happy. We can even make the person who buys our country ruler, king or emperor. Whatever title you want. Last year we were proclaimed as the most developed country in the world by the United Nations’ Human Development Index, today in 2008 we rank below Zimbabwe and therefore our eBay price is reflected in this fall from grace.”

 



Already there has been a huge interest in the eBay auction and many thousands of people are flocking to the internet auction house to take a peek and maybe add on a few pennies to the bid price.

The latest from the auction shows the current price to purchase Iceland at $12,675.

‘We Got Him’

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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0
‘We Got Him’

‘Ladies and Gentlemen — We Got Him!’

The tired, bloated figure of OJ Simpson was shown on giant TV
screens today to prove the former football and Hollywood star had been captured
alive and finally sentenced by a U.S. court after thirteen years on the run.

America’s chief administrative Judge in Las Vegas Paul Bremer walked to
the rostrum of a casino courtroom press conference and uttered the words:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, We Got Him!” There were cheers from the
assembled press corps. Bremer described it as “A great day for America.”

OJ was found hiding in a “spider hole” in the
cellar of a rural farmhouse near the Western Las Vegas town of Groom Lake 15
miles south of Las Vegas, by 600 troops from the U.S. 14th Infantry
Division. Operation Catch OJ struck at 8.30 p.m. local time catching Simpson and his entourage almost “unawares”. No shots were fired.

There were more whoops and gasps when a video was shown of Simpson being given a brief medical examination. Nicole Simpson’s and Ron Goldman’s relatives in the room
screamed insults at the screen and punched the air in triumph.
Police Lieutenant Ricardo Burrito, commander of casino
forces in Las Vegas, told the Clark County Regional Justice Center that OJ Simpson was cooperating with the authorities. “There will not be anymore long car chases in a white truck televised for everyone to see. He’s going to jail this time for good.”

News first broke when a spokeswoman for U.S. police
forces in Las Vegas said a “very important” announcement would be made at
a news conference at 1200 GMT. The only comment was that there had been
several arrests including “a high-value target”.

Daily Squib Bank Account Guarantees All Deposits

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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0
Daily Squib Bank Account Guarantees All Deposits

After Irish and Greek banks were the only ones who could guarantee deposits in the whole of Europe, the Daily Squib is set to be the first newspaper which has set up its own financial monetary haven.

As rumours flew in another day of fast-moving drama in Europe, the credit
system continued to flash warning signs of extreme stress. Three-month
Euribor – the benchmark rate used for floating mortgages and financial
contracts — rose to a post-EMU record of 5.33pc.

Governments across Eastern Europe were forced to issue statements on Thursday
assuring depositors that their banks were safe. Traders said Ukraine is on
the brink of a currency crisis.

By depositing your hard earned money in the Daily Squib bank accounts you are guaranteed a bona-fide safe haven for your money.

Chief Finance Editor for the Squib, N. Ron Hubbub speaking from his brand spanking new Lamborghini Murcielago made a statement to investors yesterday: “Your money is safe with us folks. Just deposit everything you have in our bank account and everything will be alright.”

There has already been a hug influx of money into the offshore Daily Squib accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Please deposit all your money to account number: 696966669 Sort Code: 69-69-69

Banks to Diversify by Selling Groceries

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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2
Banks to Diversify by Selling Groceries

Some of the banks who will now be selling everyday groceries to the public are barely teetering on the edge of the financial chasm.

After the Northern Rock, Bradford and Bingley banks were bailed out by the taxpayer to the tune of £300 billion in total, Labour has advised hard up banks to find other ways of raising funds because the public purse is so empty.

“We aim to sell fresh fruit and vegetables to the public from next month. So you can go cash a cheque or pay your mortgage and buy a prize marrow or some aubergines while you’re at it. We will be selling our own brand of coffee next week and you can also get your stamps here as well,” Earl Ponser , Finance Director for Lloyds TSB Halifax Bank told reporters at an opening ceremony at the flagship branch in central London.

“Three carrots for a pound”

Gone are the days of walking into a bank and seeing an orderly queue waiting for service. Banks in England are now lively affairs with bustling crowds and the electronic plinking noise of cash registers fanning out of buildings.

We asked one customer what he thought of the new service: “I like it. I used to dread going to the bank but now you can’t get me out. Where else can you arrange a new overdraft and buy a bag of potatoes to lug home for your supper? Next they’ll be selling cheap clothing from China and plastic trinkets that break after a few days, I actually had to blink when I walked in the other day because I thought I had walked into my local Tesco.”

In America, many banks are now offering customers the option to buy guns in their branches. Washington based bank, Washington Mutual has opened gun stores in all of their 354 branches in Washington state.

“Since the credit crunch has hit we had to diversify our business. We all know how Americans love their guns so we decided that gun shops are the best way you earn extra cash. You can come in the morning, do your banking business, then purchase an Uzi 9mm and be on your way,” John McCready, Marketing manager for Washington Mutual revealed.

Selling guns in a bank may not be such a great idea because since the new gun shops have been installed in banks last week there has been an increase of 76% of armed robberies in that state.

Scientific Study Reveals Lazy People Live Longer

by Jorgenson Magnussen
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4
Scientific Study Reveals Lazy People Live Longer

Too lazy to peel a banana? Too lazy to get a 9-5 job pressing hubcaps in a factory? Well, you’re in luck.

Professor Anders Fuglesang of the Stockholm Institute has been studying data collated for the last fifty years on the effects of laziness in humans and life expectancy.

“Our data suggests that there is a clear correlation within the life expectancy of humans who like to take things easy, to lounge around and not get stressed, to paint, make love slowly and generally enjoy life without the rigours of hard work. The controlled study subjects who were deemed ‘lazy’ lived longer by about 15-20 years on average. Those subjects who had hectic jobs or lives with busy schedules on average lived shorter lives.”

The data also suggests that subjects who enjoyed a life of leisure were more content with their lives and could indulge in their hobbies whereas those who had hectic lives were limited in time for themselves.

Key study findings found that most of the population routinely work themselves to death and by the age of 45 or 50 are so decrepit and destroyed inside that their remaining years alive are limited.

“There has to be a good balance to the issue of work and play. The key to longevity in any capacity holds many factors however we have found that those who take life easier and chill out live longer. Those who live chaotic, busy lifestyles live less. The study is still ongoing and we are always collating new data so who is to say what else we may find?”

The study concludes that hard work and constant pressure are precursors to early death and should be avoided at all costs.

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