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15 Yr Old Boy Awarded ASBO For AK-47 Shooting Skills

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The 10.32 from Manchester central was all fun and games today when a fifteen year old boy who has already been awarded nine ASBO’s added one more to his trophy cabinet.

The Home Secretary flew into Manchester personally to award the boy his ASBO and also rewarded the youth with an all expense paid trip to Disneyland in Florida in recognition for ‘shooting skills with an AK-47 rifle in a public space’.

The jubilant winner has been named as Kevin Sponger of Moss Side, Manchester.

He was initially spotted by an elderly woman who was shot at with the AK-47 assault rifle, only to be grazed on her ankle by a barrage of machine gun fire. After replacing the spent magazine the boy continued demonstrating his amazing shooting skills by picking off a station worker from 235 yards to jubilant applause from his fellow ‘chav scum’ friends.

A Greater Manchester Police (GMP) spokesman said: “Based on the information we had at the time, a careful assessment was made by a senior, experienced officer as to whether they could leave urgent paperwork relating to minor traffic offences to pursue a real crime.

“As there was only two shooting victims and no traffic speeding offence it was decided that an ARV (armed response vehicle) was not necessary.

“However, as a precaution, community support officers were sent to monitor the scene from afar and let the criminal walk away.”

Manchester, which is renowned for teenage gun play, is now winning the ‘city death league’ with an average of 153 fatal shootings per day. Lagging behind is Liverpool with only 85 fatal shootings a day.

 

 



 
Expanded view of the boy showing off the shooting skills that won him an ASBO award 


Colombian police officers on a fact-finding mission to the UK last month spoke of their fear that their country may end up like Britain.

Chief Inspector Sosa from Cartagena said, “I am in awe of Britain, it is a war zone there. How do your police deal with the deaths and mass crime sprees?”

The British Police officer who was meant to oversee the visit was not available for comment due to an engagement with a desk and about 250 forms to fill in for a petty shoplifting offence.


AK-47 Assault Rifle Information

The AK-47 (Avtomat Kalashnikova 1947) is an assault rifle used in most Eastern bloc countries during the Cold War.

It was designed by Mikhail Kalashnikov and was one of the first true assault rifles due to its durability and ease of use. It remains the most widely used assault rifle.

The AK is simple, inexpensive to manufacture and easy to clean and maintain.

Its ruggedness and reliability are legendary and has been adopted by British youth gangs for this very reason.

Britain’s porous borders have allowed a roaring trade in the AK-47’s which are smuggled in from the former Eastern bloc.

The assault rifles can be picked up for as little as £70 in a pub car park somewhere and are increasing in popularity daily, dropping prices even further.

Archaeologists Find Preserved Mummy in Milan

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The 1,500 year old mummy is of a woman in her 50s, believed to be an elite member of the Gianni tribe.

The archaeologists from Italy and the US found the mummy at a site called Casa Casuarina on the west coast near Milan.

They have dated the mummy to about 450 AD.

Unclear death

The presence of fine items such as gold jewellery
indicates the woman was an important person, anthropologist John Versace of Miami University in the US said.

There were also large amounts of cocaine found on the body, especially under the nose, suggesting the woman enjoyed snorting copious amounts of the ‘Devil’s Dandruff’.

But the presence of war clubs surprised the archaeological team.

“Perhaps she was a female warrior. She certainly looks very brutish and would scare the living daylights of most men in battle,” Mr Versace said.

The archaeologists believe she had given birth at least once, but do not know how she died.

The discovery is reported in the September issue of the National Geographic Magazine.

Bush’s Radioactive Dinner Jacket Party Plan in Iran

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The Strait of Hormuz (26°34’0.00″N,  56°15’0.00″E), a narrow passageway connecting the Persian Gulf with the Arabian Sea and separating Iran from the Arabian Peninsula, is one of the world’s vital oil transit chokepoints and famous for the fact that over 20% of the worlds oil goes through it every day.

The Neocon and French party will be hosted by the Iranian contingency headed by the smiling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Oil prices after the dinner jacket soiree will undoubtedly rise to over $450 a barrel.

There will be widespread panic as the bombing party unleashed by the US jets slam into nuclear material holding sites, thus spreading wonderful radioactive dust all over the middle east.

The Israeli contingent will not attend the celebration, but have ordered the US and French to attend the party for them.

The Persian controlled Strait will then be closed for an indefinite period by being blocked by a sunken tanker or two.

‘meanwhile, back at home’

There will be no need to drive a car after this happens because no one will be able to afford any petrol, let alone find any.

Food of course needs to be distributed to the shops, but the fact that there will not be any fuel to do so will inevitably lead to no food in the shops, thus leading to anarchy and unrest.

Governmental oil reserves are only valid for less than a week in most western countries, plus these are only used for emergency services and the army.

 

One last reckless killing spree before the fun is cut off for George


Citizens residing in the West are therefore advised to start hoarding food or growing their own fruit and veg, as well as acquiring bicycles.


The consequences of multiple strikes on Persian nuclear sites by the American, Israeli, French team is apocalyptic, but totally permissible, because people like Cheney and Bush have bunkers – they survive whatever happens. You don’t.

China: 4 MPH Road Speed Limit Upgraded to 6 MPH

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China will initiate its first ever nationwide “6 MPH speed-limit increase day” this weekend in an effort to promote highway efficiency on urban roads, state press said Monday.

Residents in 108 cities will be able for the first time to increase their speed by 2 MPH on the nation’s first “6 MPH speed-limit increase” on Saturday, the China Daily reported.

“The move is an attempt to raise residents’ journey times in the country’s cities. Instead of traveling at 4 MPH they will now be able to travel at 6 MPH even at peak times,” the paper proudly said.

This brave move has been made possible by decreasing traffic levels by 1.2 billion vehicles so that the remaining 2 billion vehicles can now drive on the roads at increased speed.

Government officials and state-run enterprise employees in some cities would be encouraged not to drive, while other urban centres would ban government-owned cars from taking to the roads altogether, it added.

A week-long campaign to publicise the government’s goal of getting 8 percent of the nation’s urban residents to use public transport instead of private cars would also be initiated, it said.

China’s car industry has been a key component of the nation’s booming economy with vehicle production rising by 62.7 percent in July compared to the same period last year.

Downtown Beijing vista on a sunny clear day

 

Beijing, which will hold the Olympics, has a visibility of only 1 metre on a good day.

The air pollution created from 45 million vehicles on Beijing’s roads is so bad that it is equivalent to smoking 400 cigarettes a day and ingesting huge amounts of lead directly into the lungs.

Alan Greenspan Admits Iraq War was Really for Oil

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The striking revelation that the Bush Government lied to its people and invaded Iraq for oil has also been compounded by news that the sky is blue, Fox News is a Neocon propaganda lie-machine, bears are linked to excrement in the woods, the Pope has ties with the Catholic church and George W Bush is a lying war criminal who should be impeached.

Greenspan is quoted in his biography as saying: “I am saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what
everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil.”


There was surprise around Capitol Hill at the astounding revelation that oil conquest was the chief reason for the illegal Iraq invasion. One US Republican Senator, Bill O’Coulter, who is on the board of directors of Halliburton, spoke out against the claims. “I’sa tells you’se peoples, I knows in my heart that our great commander in chief invaded Iraqs because Saddam was a bad man and wuz gonna send rockets to the US of A in 15 minutes, he had weapons of mass destructions and nucelear missiles ready to go, we had to invade them because Saddam invaded America on 911, he wuz responsibles I know cuz the CIA said so and so did our President.”

Sixty five percent of the American population still believe and are told by their media daily that Saddam Hussein was responsible for 911.

Greenspan who is a coward, of course did not voice his opinion at the time. He wholeheartedly endorsed the invasion which was a violation of the U.N. Charter and as such a war of aggression and therefore a war crime.

The oil fuelled greed operation and occupation of Iraq has to date caused the deaths of over 750,000 Iraqi civilians and the deaths of over 3500 US soldiers. It has caused the largest mass displacement of people in the middle east in modern history as well as causing one of the largest environmental disaster zones ever through the distribution of depleted uranium en masse.

US Soldiers died for oil profits and not to protect their nation. They were lied to and have been made a fool of.

There are no surprises from a country which tried to impeach Bill Clinton for receiving a blowjob and yet refused to impeach a President who has murdered thousands of humans for profit and has taken the USA into further debt and near collapse morally as well as monetarily.

Northern Rock to be Renamed Northern Pebble

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Speaking from his plush offices in Newcastle Upon Tyne, we asked the Chief Executive of Northern Rock about the name change and what it means for the company.

“Northern Pebble is a more appropriate name for the company now. Our shaky business has been somewhat worn down by many factors like not having any money.”

We asked him a question about banking. Is it an integral part of banking to have money?

His answer, “Yes and no. We acquire money from other institutions at low rates, and then sell these ‘iou’s’ onto our customers at higher rates. The financial institutions stopped lending us money on the 8th of August because of the Sub-Prime market debacle in the US.”

The US sub-prime mortgage crisis was caused by corporate greed, ignorance, envy, and stupidity.

The Bank of England has agreed to print more paper money to offset the massive blackhole that has been left by this immense disaster. The money printing operation will be a 24 hour operation and go on for as long as it takes whilst other dodgy institutions like Barclays are also artificially propped up.

During the interview we were interrupted by a knock on the door. The bailiffs had come around to take the furniture and laptop computer that Mr Applegarth was typing on.

“Our customers have nothing to worry about. Northern Pebble is a solid business model and the BoE has stepped in to help us. They are printing more bank notes as we speak.” Mr Applegarth was then carried away in his chair by three burly men.

Well, there you have it. All it takes is the Bank of England to print more money, and we’re all ok. Isn’t that wonderful?

General Petraeus Updates George W Bush on Successful US Defeat in Iraq

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After Gen. David H. Petraeus updated the Supreme Commander in Chief of the western world, George W Bush, last Monday there was further clarification on the level of defeat that has been meted out to US forces in Iraq.George W Bush has praised General Petraeus in engineering the successful failure of the Surge which was intended to quell insurgant attacks on the fortified US forces and bring stability to war-torn Iraq.In the South, the British have successfully retreated to the airport and handed over their duties to the Iraq police. These duties include being killed and maimed by IED’s, being blown to bits by suicide bombers and being constantly mortared to death.

George W Bush, having met Abdul-Sattar Abu Risha when he visited Iraq last week, ensured his immediate assassination by aligning the US with him. They do not call him the reverse Midas Touch President for nothing.


The President said he expects to be able to
reduce troop levels to pre-surge levels by next summer and said it is
possible to achieve U.S. objectives in Iraq over the next 300-400 years.


Every district in liberated Baghdad is now separated by concrete walls

Appearing with Petraeus was U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker. “There is one single moment at which we can claim victory. And that is in our utter and total failure in Iraq,” he said.

House Republicans maintained that failed military achievements in Iraq warrant further investment and faith in the president’s defeated policies.

“The increased presence of this force in Iraq has produced greater anarchy and destruction, so let’s be honest: the military surge is truly winning in failure,” said Armed Services ranking Republican Duncan Hunter, R-Calif.

 

New Study Reveals Junk Food Bad for You

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A new study conducted in the British Isles has discovered that feeding your children with junk food leads to health problems.

Sharon is from Scunthorpe and feeds her seven children with large amounts of junk food every day.

A typical lunch for one of her children will include a happy meal, 2 meat pies, chips, a packet of crisps and 3 double chocolate glazed donuts with a dollop of lard on the side to bite on.

We ask her how she affords to feed her children on such expensive fare. “Since I been made pregnant at 12 I been getting benefits.”

She divulged that she receives £1750 per week for her seven children, and has her council tax paid for as well as her 40 cigarette a day habit.

All her children are now obese and Sharon herself is hugely obese too. Last October she did not realise that she had been pregnant for 9 months and gave birth in the Benefits Office whilst picking up her Giro. Apparently the baby just fell out when she stood up in the waiting room.

The unhealthy obesity epidemic is increasing in weight daily, especially in Northern England where the tradition is to fry everything they eat in lard and consume large amounts of meat pies and burgers, washing it all down with high sugar soft drinks or ale.

The Daily Squib asked Sharon at what age she started feeding her children high sugar drinks as well as junk food. She replied nonchalantly that it was the norm to be taking the children to fast food restaurants by the age of 6 months.

Life expectancy, especially in deprived areas of Northern England and inner city areas across the UK, are lower than they were in Victorian England and at the height of the polluted Industrial Revolution. Coupled with the fact that more people are being shot and stabbed in the streets every day by junked-up children with guns and knives, life expectancy plummets even further into the abyss.

The already overburdened NHS is in dire straits as the fodder of poverty amasses on its cardiac arrested shores every second of the day, with a black hole where billions of pounds are haemorraged by the wasteful Labour Government in irrelevant policy.

When America sneezes, Britain catches a cold. Except this time the junk food bug is the unholy American import.

“Some may argue that poverty has always been around in Britain and unhealthy lifestyles part and parcel of this fact. The difference with the past however is that when the poor and ignorant were ill due to their horrible lifestyles they would simply die. Now, however, it is up to the NHS to cure them all and at a very high cost to healthy responsible tax payers,” an anonymous source told us yesterday from a hospital in Northern England.

Thus after much deliberation, the lofty conclusion that ‘junk food’ is bad for you as reported by all the papers is totally redundant because as long as there is production there will be mass consumption and a resultant burden on society.

Next week : Why jumping from aeroplanes without parachutes is bad for you

The week after that : Why Junk Food is Good For You

Mothers Warned as Number of Brain-Damaged (FAS) Babies Doubles

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Experts last night called for a campaign to curb alcohol abuse by pregnant women after figures showed the number of babies left brain damaged each year in Britain has doubled in a decade.

Official statistics show there were 1 million babies registered with Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) in Britain in 2004 bringing to 16 million the number born with the neurological brain disorder in a decade.

However, campaigners warned the damage done to babies from alcohol abuse is far greater than official statistics show, claiming heavy drinking among pregnant women is also linked to learning difficulties, hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder. The number of alcohol-related deaths is rising faster in the UK than anywhere else in Europe.

Statistics from the General Register Office for the United Kingdom show drink was responsible for the deaths of 65,000 women last year, double the number who died 20 years earlier, while it is estimated that three in four women binge drink and more than a third exceed the weekly alcohol limit of 14 units.

Jenna Jameson, executive director of the National Organisation for Foetal Alcohol Syndrome in the UK, the public awareness and support charity, said government should insist the drinks industry provide health warnings on bottles and cans similar to that in the US. The messages state that women should not drink alcohol during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects.

“We have found higher figures for Foetal Alcohol Syndrome than has been revealed. We are now at epidemic level here in the UK and the problem is increasing daily,” she said.

“You hear of children in nursery schools having more hyperactivity, more attention deficit disorder and more speech problems and it is the result of their mothers binge drinking three or four years ago.”

Mrs Jameson said labelling would go some way to changing people’s habits. “We currently have cans and bottles which have warning labels when they are shipped to the US, but there is a blank space when the same cans and bottles are sold in the UK. You could say they are withholding information from women.”

Phil Lynollot, professor in public health at Birmingham University, said there needed to be a concerted campaign, but doubted there was a public desire to change habits.

“Levels of alcohol-related harm for all adults is undoubtedly going up in all social groups,” he said. “It is socially patterned. Those in the poorer parts of the UK are experiencing a worse manifestation of the problem than those in more affluent areas. The idea children are being damaged to a greater extent than in the past seems highly likely.”

The professor added, “There have been some high profile cases which have brought forth the immense problem. Jade Goody, the Big Brother contestant, is an example of this. She has shown the problems of brain-damage through excessive drinking and drug-taking by her mother. It is a good thing that her plight is brought forward into the discussion forum and not brushed under the proverbial carpet.”

Indeed, high profile cases like Jade Goody have introduced the problem of Foetal-Alcohol-Syndrome to the general public but there is still a vast wall of ignorance to be dealt with. Not only from the Goody family but from the general public.

Jade Goody’s mother, Jackie Budden, is an example of how some British women have embraced alcohol and drugs during pregnancy and Jade’s success as a celebrity in the F-list category is also proof that severely mentally incompetent people like Jade Goody can succeed even though they are undeveloped and subnormal with extremely low IQ’s.

 

HOW TO SPOT FOETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME

Consuming alcohol during pregnancy is the cause of Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), consisting of a variable degree of birth defects and mental retardation, initially identified by a reduced head size and distinctive facial features.Cell death (apoptosis) induced by alcohol has also been suggested as relevant to craniofacial abnormalities and neurological development. The neurological effects (FAS limits IQ to around 70) may be due to cell death in the embryonic neuroepithelium (the outer layer of the developing neural tube) at an early developmental stage.Some additional evidence suggests that alcohol could also directly damage DNA.

 

Britney Eats Big Mac During MTV Performance

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Britney Spears’ first major performance in three
years, at the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas, has been hailed as a huge success by her entourage.

The Squib’s Gordon Lightfoot said her performance would “go
down in the history books as being one of the funniest to grace the MTV
Awards”.

Her ex-boyfriend Justin Analcake and R&B star Diarihanna watched in awe.

Analcake took four awards, including top male celebrity autotune mimer, while Diarihanna scooped video of the year for Bucket.

‘Mac Attack’

Spears, who was nominated for many awards, opened the
show dressed in a sequinned bikini and knee-high boots, performing her
new single Gimme More. She got ‘more’ when halfway through her mime act she waved at her assistant to bring her some junk food.



She ate it… it was my burger, it was mine, it was m-i-i-i-i-n-e
Perez Hilton
Celebrity Sleaze Bagger

 

Our correspondent said the performance highlight included Britney “gulping down a Bigmac and fries whilst attempting to mime to her song Gimme More”.

The singer “belched loudly” and “looked as though she completely loved the art of lip-synching”, he said.

Celebrity Sleaze Bagger Perez Hilton opined: “She is the best. Everybody loves Britney’s lip-synchs, I especially loved the bit where she burped and brought up some sick by accident.

“I was ecstatic. It was so good I farted. It was loose. It was embarrassing. And I loved it!”

 


‘It Blew

Everything Else Away

 


MAIN MTV AWARD WINNERS
Video of the year – Diarihanna, Bucket
Male artist of the year – Justin Analcake
Female artist of the year – Turgid
Best group – Fall Out Twink


Singer and producer Acorn added that “she has got so much hot air that it blew everything else away”.

“She seemed hungry… you could tell by the expression on her face, when she saw that Big Mac…BLAM!” he said.

“Instead of just blocking out the hunger and doing her thang, you could tell she was thinking about some serious mac and fries actions.”

The performance comes after a year when Spears publicly
shaved her vagina in a fast food restaurant, went into rehab and fought husband Kevin Cheddarslime for
custody of their two sons.

Diarihanna‘s Bucket, which spent 56 weeks at number one
in the UK, took MTV’s single of the year award, proving that the music business died horribly many years ago.