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Royal Blackmail Video Shocker

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When he’s not frequenting the exclusive Amika club in Kensington or snorting vodka shots up his nose, the errant Prince Harry likes to wear a uniform and pretend to be in the army. He is a fine example of the modern royal family and its high standing stature.

The Prince’s girlfriend, moneyed chav Chelsy Davy, sneezes white crystalline dust into her Belvedere Vodka mixed with copious amounts of red bull and tonic. As the high octane booze enters her already sozzled system, she burps with an Afrikaans accent and her eyes roll back in the sockets.

Prince Harry’s entourage of 30 hangers on all cheer as Chelsy falls over backwards totally out of her head on drink and drugs. Another wild Amika night on the tiles and all paid for by the taxpayer.

The bill every night is approximately three to five thousand pounds which equates to about £1,825,000 per annum on alcohol alone for Prince Harry and his entourage. Everything is taken care of by the taxpayer, so there is no need to worry.

It is no news then that the British royal family has been rocked by allegations that one of their kind gave a royal servant oral relief.

Two conspirators, Ian Strachan and Sean McGuigan, are now in jail awaiting their fate for trying to blackmail the Royal house.

The only thing that surprises us is that a member of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha clan was not on the receiving end of the blow job, but the one who dealt the deed out. Which one of them could it be?

Related Articles:

Harry to go to War

Sex Pistols Corporate Financial Come-Back Revenue Tour

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We meet in the plush offices of the Sex Pistols media conglomerate empire to talk to senior executive John Lydon about the forthcoming monetary concert Audit Documentation Period.

Mr Lydon speaks with authority on the subject of his vision for the punk genre and his group. “The period up to the financial half yearly accountancy point has yielded great dividends and mature annuity within the aforementioned procedural revenue collection exercise.”

We then ask Mr Lydon for his thoughts on how the Sex Pistols within the punk movement has progressed since the 70’s. “I had a board meeting last night on this exact same issue. The Pistols are committed to high standards of corporate governance. The board considers that the punk movement and specifically the Sex Pistols has complied throughout the years with the code provisions set out in section 1 of the AGM EMI manual and the Revised Code of Corporate Governance which was issued in July 1977 to July 2007 (‘the code’), except as regards the length of Directors’ service contracts, which is discussed in the Renumeration report on pages 47 and 48, and the combination of the roles of Chairman and Chief Executive.”

Cross Collateralisation

It seems John Lydon who once shouted ‘Anarchy in the UK’ and rejected all corporate mores has firmly embraced the ways of the corporation in middle age.

The Sex Pistols, who once were purveyors of large globules of spittle and hatred to all that was associated with mass control systems and consumerist banality, are now just like any other corporate entity.

Sell Out?

We ask Lydon if he thinks he sold out.

“As
Chairman of the Sex Pistols franchise, my corporate team of Glen
Matlock, Paul Cook and Steve Jones are all beneficiaries to the holy
compilation report. We do not have any souls anymore and are now part
of the bottom-sniffing financial jargon spouting suit-brigade which we fought so hard
against in the early days.”


ROCE ‘n’ Roll


The Sex Pistols are planning to open a Sex Pistols theme park in the Hollywood Hills in December and are currently conducting a revenue collection exercise (touring).

The Sex Pistols will also be appearing on ‘Ant and Decs Celebrity Phone Rip-Off’ this Saturday on ITV1. To vote for who wins the cheque for £2 million – Ant or Dec – CALL 08981 2345 3873 Calls cost £485/minute. No need to consult the owner of the phone line before calling in.

 

Pavarotti Wrote Secret Opera

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The first aria begins with two prima donnas bickering with intensity over their dead husband’s grave. The two first ladies each try to outwit the other with their prowess at song and wit. The subject, of course, is their deceased husband Pavarotti’s immense fortune and who should get the largest portion of the huge vault of money and jewels.

The second movement of the opera involves the two prima donnas being taken aback by the tenor arriving on stage as a lawyer informing them that their husband actually had a huge amount of debt and no fortune.

The denoument for the musical/visual feast involves the two prima donnas bickering on who should not inherit their husband’s debt, whilst the ghost of their late husband looks on and chuckles at the cynical bickering hags.

Composers from Teatro La Fenice have been poring over the manuals and have found it to be fully intact, as well as a wonderful composition rivalling anything by Rossini.

The opera will be staged worldwide in 2008 and will be performed by the famous Burlesconi opera group.

George W Bush Secures Six-Figure Book Deal

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The President of the United States of America, George W Bush, is going to write an instructional manual which will be published in 2009.

The president was offered a six-figure sum as an advance to complete the tell-all tome. The six-figure sum will be paid in Iraqi Dinars and is worth more than $200 at the current exchange rate.

The publishing arm of the Daily Squib brokered the deal with Pentagon aides yesterday at the White House.

The riveting read will expose the inner workings of the President and his cabal of White House aides over the years.

The book will form the centrepiece to his term in office and will also be utilised in American schools along with other Presidential favourites like “My Pet Goat”.

 



The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Being a Complete Idiot
by George W Bush will be published by DAILY SQUIB PUBLISHING on April 1 2009. Pre-Order your copy at Amazon.com or any decent book retailer now.

Comrade Gordon Brown Cleanses Britain of Sovereignty

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The European Union Bloc, which is ruled by unelected leaders and dictates the law for all in Europe, was sponsored by our supreme unelected comrade Brown.

The collective union is now one single entity and by joining the centralised control manifestation, Comrade Brown has effectively discarded hundreds of years worth of British sovereignty and law in one fell swoop.

Unelected leader Comrade Brown made a rousing speech for the party over dinner at the EU headquarters in Brussels about his role in dictating the fate of all in Britain.

“I, Comrade to the Union of European central government, relinquish the British people from sovereign British laws so they are ultimately controlled from Brussels. After hundreds of years of useless concepts like democracy, sovereignty and Britishness, I have finally discarded these failing systems for the final solution – One World Government in Europe.”

The glorious meal, attended by Comrades Psykozy and Merkel, consisted of cabbage soup and a wonderful pickled cabbage main course. Our great leader was shown to eat the same food as us Proles and was applauded when he burped his approval.

After the meal, Comrade Brown was presented with a bottle of weak ale brewed in Sector 101 (used to be called Northern Britain) as a gesture of our supreme leaders true courage in leadership.

The new European constitution is the same as the old one, but with a different name and has been embraced wholeheartedly by supreme unelected Comrade Brown.

The New World Order and one-party system is the final nail in the coffin for British sovereignty and, what’s more, the British people have no say in their destiny now and will never have any say in their destiny in the future.

Notice: B64114 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Lady Mucca Heather Mills Running Around in Circles

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In a protracted divorce battle that seems to be limping along with no end in sight, Heather Mills is hopping mad that she will not be allowed to get her leg-over by selling her story to tabloid newspapers for lucrative six figure sums.

“She’s running around in circles”, according to a close aide, “she will need all the support she can get, it’s not easy to walk into court and convince the judge to put his foot down and make Paul stump up more cash.”

Public opinion, however, is strongly behind ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and the overwhelming consensus is that Lady Mucca does not have a leg to stand on.

Paul does not know anyone else that can fill her shoe and has been single since the split. He has taken up a hobby of carpentry to keep himself busy and enjoys the thrill of crafting objects out of planks of wood.

If Heather Mills is awarded an extra £50 million she will have moved up a peg or two in the greed divorce league. She already has one foot in the door at the moment, but will need an extra leg up to catch the prize.

Ms Mills, who completed a footloose dance contest recently, made sure she turned up at court yesterday in a wheelchair. She is also threatening to go on morning tv shows and rake the ‘mucca’ a bit with her crazy ranting. Her aides, however, are trying to dissuade her from going on chat shows because she could end up shooting herself in the foot.

Meanwhile, the classic Beatles album ‘Abbey Road’ is to be re-released with a different cover by Beatles label Apple Records.

Beatles fans are said to be ecstatic about the re-release on Wednesday and are already queueing to pick up the record from Tower Records in Picadilly.

 


 

 

US Meets Mass Killing Targets in Iraq

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The US said it applauded the loss of innocent life, claiming it acted in self-interest and blamed Iraqi civilians for putting themselves in danger by living in their own country.

During the days US missile barrage 452 children were also killed on Friday to increase the mass murder quota set out by America.

An official statement from the US military said Thursday’s loss of life was an efficient killing spree and occurred during an air and ground assault aimed at civilians massing at a food market thought to be meeting in the Lake Tharthar region, 120km (75 miles) north of the capital.

An initial air raid killed 2300 civilians and then more air strikes were launched to back up US ground troops, a statement from the US Army said.

Untermensch


The ‘coalition of one’ said that after the first air raid civilian terrorists were observed fleeing to an area south of the man-made lake.

Ground forces attacked a building in which civilians were believed to be conducting a barbeque and were annihilated by small-arms fire, the statement said. Further air strikes were then called in to make an even bigger barbeque.

After securing the area, the troops found 150 dead suspected civilian male party guests along with six women and nine children, the statement added.

Two suspected Iraqi civilians of the Shiite Muslim faith, 21 women and 17 children were severely wounded and thirty Arab civilians were detained indefinitely for torture, the statement said.

‘Mass Killing Spree’

Maj Brad Scunner, a CIA spokesman, said: “We regret that not enough Arab civilians are hurt or killed while US forces search to rid Iraq of Muslims.

“These Arab civilians chose to deliberately place innocent Iraqi women and children in danger by living in Iraq where they were born and bred.”

The Squib’s Alistair Nusjones in Washington says the United Nations mission in Iraq has previously expressed concern about civilian deaths during air strikes by US-led forces but after large monetary payments were deposited in their vaults they dropped all further concerns.

Some 8430 civilians were reportedly killed during air raids in the early part of this year, according to the UN. The US has explained that their killing targets have been met and are well on the way to meeting complete extermination goals for the future.

“The further use of depleted uranium in ammunition used to kill Iraqi civilians and anyone who wishes America to leave their country is another source of contamination which will last for the next 3000 years and cause the death of many successive generations of Arabs in Iraq whilst keeping oil revenues flowing,” a spokesman for Halliburton said on Friday.

Copying Genocidal Tactics

The Iraq mass killing fields are an exact copy of the French tactics utilised in the Algerian occupation where millions of Algerians were systematically killed by the French occupiers from 1830 – 1962 in mass genocide.

The American continent is no stranger to genocide and Americans/Europeans were responsible for the mass murder of millions of Native Americans to make way for their people after 1492 when the Native American population was over 100 million. The Native Americans were then systematically destroyed and their numbers reduced by 90-95%.

America still has a long way to go to beat its previous scores of Native American genocide, but is slowly catching up in Iraq with similar death counts as committed in Vietnam.

 

Labour Government to Ban Guns in UK

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The gun ban today will come into effect at midday and the Labour government believes this drastic measure should curb the pandemic use of firearms on Britain’s streets.

It will be illegal to murder, shoot or maim anyone under the new rules.

There will also be a two-tiered system for ensuring the law is upheld by introducing deterrents to youths who are intent on committing murder sprees.

If you are caught with class A firearms like the AK-47, Uzi 9mm , RPG or M16 you will be awarded an ABC (Acceptable Behaviour Contract).

The second time caught you will get an ASBO (Anti Social Behaviour Order) and the third time you will be awarded an hours worth of community service of your choice.

Class B weaponry like handguns and grenades will only get an ABC and a written warning through the post.

 


Salford youth on bike playing in the park

 

For firearms offences like actual murder or severe wounding, the punishment will be an ASBO, ABC and community service all on the same day, as well as a re-education trip paid by the taxpayer to Alton Towers or Chessington World of Adventures for the day.

The Home Secretary is toying with the idea of giving each gun criminal an 8GB i-pod and then asking them to hand over their heavy machine guns. This ploy may not work however, because many youths with guns can get anything they want anyway.

The number of guns that are circulating on Britain’s streets is so large that the police are scared to go onto the streets.

Police work is mainly conducted by CCTV and desk work back at the police station.

The typical British ‘Bobby’ does not carry firearms, and if there is a shooting incident they are required to flee the crime scene and head back to the police station to fill in approximately 27 forms.

The form filling can take up to 4 hours to complete. An Armed Response Unit can then be authorised to visit the gun crime scene after the threat level is assessed.


The Muttley crew of Liverpool have 38 ASBO’s and 245 ABC’s
in their hideout’s trophy cabinet

 

There are measures being put in place to cut police response times by three and a half hours. However, this may cause problems in Met ranks because it would involve actual confrontation with criminals.

In the police’s defence, last year out of 34,578 shootings of which 24,600 were fatalities, 6 people were arrested and given warnings for their dangerous behaviour.

The new law banning guns on Britain’s streets is sure to make citizens’ lives safer and is testament to the wonderful work done by the Labour Government.

 

Comrade Brown and Darling Vision of Change Policies Announced

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Our great one-party system in Britain headed by the single party, the supreme Labour party, dominated the people’s treasury speeches today in the Westminster Duma with ‘Visions of Change in Un-Change’ policies.

Comrade Darling delivered a rousing speech to the audience of one-party officials espousing his monetary policies.

Only a week prior to Comrade Darling’s speech, the bourgeois miscreant, George Osborne, had mentioned the exact same prole taxation policies but because of his inferior party status, had his policies claimed and adopted by senior Labour party leaders instead.

During Comrade Darling’s speech, Osborne of the Bullingdon faction dared to make some rather disparaging comments as gesture of his disapproval of having his policy ideas stolen.

Bourgeois scum Osborne, who is a traitor to the one-party system, was then taken away by Stasi guards and assigned for re-education in a gulag in Northern Britain.

The rest of the Duma gathering went without any interruptions and there was rapturous applause praising our supreme Comrade Gordon Brown and senior Labour party officials for their wonderful taxation policies.

Notice: B64221 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Unelected Supreme Comrade Gordon Brown Delays Non-Election

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From Brown to Yellow

Yesterday our Supreme Comrade Gordon Brown hailed the Vision of Change that is sweeping our great nation.

The supreme leader’s speech was broadcast from the Ministry of Information’s broadcasting headquarters in Whitehall. The speech began with the Supreme Comrade awarding every Prole in Britain an increase of sugar rations consisting of two lumps per month, commencing from January 2008.

Comrade Brown’s Speech

“Comrades, I have presented my considerations to you. I repeat that it is in the interest of the UK, the workers’ homeland, that we do not venture into Capitalist territory with frivolities such as Free ‘Democratic’ Elections. It is essential for us/Everything should be done so that my supreme Comradeship drags out as long as possible with the goal of permanent Unelected rule. For this reason, it is imperative that we agree to conclude the One-Party System proposed by my Supreme leadership, and then work in such a way that this One-Party System, once it is declared, will be prolonged maximally. We must strengthen our economic/propaganda work in the controlled media, in order to be in supreme power and control for as long as the New Vision of Change declares.”

After the momentous speech was delivered, 25 traitors were led away by the Politburo for questioning. The rest of the assembled Prole crowd applauded our supreme leader and showered his podium with empty vote slips.

Let the Bottle commence

The new directives applied by Supreme Comrade Brown will involve unelected leadership until 2009 when the European Union will take over full control of the UK, and there will be no need for ‘unelections’ ever again. The election of the now discredited Comrade Blair in 1997 were the last elections Britain will ever have. All party officials and Politburo members who adhere to the Supreme leaders Ideology of Change will remain in office. Revisionists and subversives in our society who propose failed systems like ‘Democracy’ will be despatched to gulags in Northern Britain.

 


Comrade Brown voting in the non-election one-party Vision of Change

 

“In the past we had no fatherland, nor could we have one. But now that we have overthrown capitalism/democracy and power is in our hands, in the hands of the people, we have a fatherland, and we will defend our dictatorship state. Do you want our socialist fatherland to be beaten and to lose to Democracy? If you do not want this you must put an end to its backwardness in the shortest possible time and develop genuine Bolshevik tempo in building up its socialist system. There is no other way but for the Proles to give me, Supreme Comrade Brown, full control over every aspect of your ‘worker bee’ lives.”

Notice: B64374 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!