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London Voted Best World City for Quality of Life

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You too could live in a city where the roads are filled with filth and rubbish, where the overcrowded traffic jammed violent grey CCTV nightmare snuffs the very life out of its suffering inhabitants. A city where the residents are taxed to death to exist in virtual prisons and slums not worthy of a Krakow ghetto in 1941. A city where everything is so overpriced that the only people left able to afford its nasty amenities are the awful, crass and vulgar Russian gangsters and pimps who seem to have colonised vast swathes of Kensington and Chelsea.

The authoritarian
government also likes to watch everything in London with the vast
network of CCTV cameras and traffic cams that span the city. Once you
step outside of your house, every citizen is filmed on average over 300
times daily. The rise in CCTV monitoring of course has not dented the huge increase in violent crime in the capital with daily stabbings and shootings. CCTV is simply there to monitor – it cannot solve crimes committed by hoodies or stop violence after the act.


“If you’re not into getting your face battered in by a gang of hoodies on a crowded underground train that stinks of tramps piss on a Tuesday morning, don’t fu**ing come here then,” says Britain’s Culture and Tourism Secretary John Blunkett Smith.

Red Ken

Ever since the staunch Stalinist Ken Livingstone became London Mayor he has made London a horrible, violent, wasteful, overcrowded, smelly, overpriced nightmare of a city. A toilet of dirt paid for by ‘sheeple’ taxpayers with no say or rights who simply obey their nasty masters without question or reason.

Red Ken is also well known for creating the congestion zone where citizens willingly pay eight pounds per day to sit in a traffic jam in central London. The congestion scheme has worked for the government by increasing revenue for its state coffers but has not reduced congestion in London and has merely displaced the problem elsewhere.

Ken Livingstone’s personal budget runs into hundreds of thousands of pounds per annum – all spent mainly on taxis and expensive restaurants for him and his staff. He recently completed an all expenses paid trip to China which cost the taxpayer £450,000 for him and his huge entourage. The reason for the trip was never disclosed, but Ken sure did enjoy the hospitality very much thank you.

An American tourist from New York recounts his harrowing trip to London last November. “I felt very unsafe walking in London, especially after dark when the roaming gangs come out. There are no police in the streets.”

Tourism has fallen severely in London due to the many factors that deter people from spending their cash in the rude, violent, expensive sewer that is London.

Heavy taxation of the ‘plebiscite’ as espoused by the Gordon Brown regime of hard-labour and misery seems to suit Londoners very well and they take to large tax increases like ducks to water.

“The English, especially Londoners, have an affinity for paying huge taxes without question. Every year we increase taxes and decrease services and they’re still smiling. You can actually walk up to an English man and squeeze out a turd onto his plate and he will thank you for it – they are that willing to please authority. We’ve been getting away with murder in this country for years and no one is saying a single word. Gordon’s going to raise taxes on everything next month and increase fuel duty by 2p again. This means fuel tax is a whopping 84% of the fuel price per litre. You can’t do this anywhere else in the world and get away with it.” The Labour peer who the Daily Squib interviewed in one of the numerous Parliamentary watering holes chortled into his Champagne glass and let out an almighty guffaw.

Never has a Government apart from Stalinist Russia had so much control over the cowering pliant population.

The cesspool that is London is a stinking sewer being abandoned by the money men and non-doms. They who brought the wealth to London are now scuttling the ship they kept above the waves. Thanks to Gordon Brown and his tax hungry ways he has scared away the money.

Cool Brittania?

Not anymore. What was left of ‘Cool Britain’ is a morose shadow of its former self. The Labour government has ruined the capital and the nation as a whole. Under the spin of the Blairite mirage and the Stalin Bean tax monster Brown it has lost its lustre.

You can polish a turd as much as you want but at the end of the day – it’s still a turd.

Bush Running for Third Term

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Someone needs to tell George W Bush that he cannot run for a third term in office but no one has the gumption to break the news to the ailing alcoholic President.

They call him ‘Dubya Gump’ and his actions throughout his double term in office have proved his friends right.

“When I was in China on the All-American Ping Pong team, I just loved playing ping-pong with my Flexolite ping pong paddle,” George tells the cheering crowd with an excited look on his face.

Dubya Gump comes out with some more wonderful quotations and the reporters all eat it up, “When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went.”

“The best thing about being the President is the food! Now, since it
was all free, and I wasn’t hungry but thirsty, I must’ve drank me
fifteen Dr. Peppers.”

A fellow candidate had this to say about George W Bush: “That kid may be the stupidest son of a bitch I’ve ever seen, but damn he can run!”

No one in Bush’s office has the heart to tell the President that his days of lame-duck Presidency will soon be over and he will have to retire.

“He was deluded on Iraq, he was deluded on Iran, he was deluded on Afghanistan and pretty much everything he’s ever done. We just nod to him and tell him what he wants to hear. He wants to run for a third term? Let him do it. Why try arguing with an idiot?” A senior Pentagon aide told the Squib from the primary Caucus.

The Daily Squib Guide to Celebrity Perfumes

Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and J-Lo are among the many celebrities who have launched their own fragrances. But what does one of the world’s top perfumers make of celebrity smells?

Daly Squib reporter Jane Constantine takes notes as she sniffs out the best – and the worst.

Already we have enjoyed the scent of Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, J-Lo, Sir Cliff Richard, Danielle Steel, Sarah Jessica Parker, Celine Dion, P-Diddy, Jade Goody, Naomi Campbell, Mel C, Mel B, Marilyn Manson, N-Sync, Jordan and Peter Andre and that timeless classic, Forever Krystle, by Dynasty’s own Linda Evans.

The arrival of Intimately Beckham, twin scents for David and Victoria, was akin to the arrival of backed up urine after a long night of getting pissed on cheap vodka. The Beckham’s stale smell of a Gentleman’s urinal in Picadilly was one of last year’s biggest sellers – David Beckham’s InStinkt sold out last Christmas.

The nose

Roja Ponce is a nose, one of the world’s finest perfumers. Who better to sample the recent fragrant celebrity offerings? Sitting in his little perfumerie in the lofty heights of Harrods, he surveys the clutter of bottles before him.

He begins with Intimately Beckham. David’s fares well: “The urine, the residue is actually rather good: stale tobacco, stale beer. It has an acrid note in it. It’s a potentially nice smell if you’re a frequent cottager like me. It has character, especially that distinct Armitage Shanks saveur,” he says. With better ingredients it would be “a very, very interesting scent”.

Alas, Victoria falls short of her husband: “Jesus Christ,” mutters Ponce. “It’s a transparent anal burst of colour on my palate. Quite soft in the background and the gaseous exchange is quite fresh – diarrhoea, methane and a hint of stale urine.” What it fundamentally lacks, he says mournfully, “is volume”.

Still, Lady V fares better than Naomi Campbell. “I’m sure I’ve seen that in my local sex shop,” he says archly, of Campbell’s undeniably phallic bottle. “That’s where I get my vibrators.” He inhales deeply. “That’s gorgeous. It’s exceptionally old-fashioned. Powdery cocaine, with white speckles of fecal matter, anal lube, old man’s ejaculate, something urinary …” and, ultimately, “coconut.” It is, he decides, the most sensual, but he offers a word of caution: “This would make me feel physically sick with adoration if I were sitting next to someone wearing it.”

Jade Goody celebrates the success of her perfume at her retreat in Magaluf

 

Jade Goody’s Shhit rates little better. “This is a fragrance that takes its inspiration from a sweaty Working Man’s Club. It has this big soiled y-front shit stain theme running through it, and on top something to freshen it up.” Like lavatory bleach and a large Klingon Dingleberry swinging restlessly? “A wonderful essence of clotted blood and semen soaked tampons.”

What Britney Spears’ Curious loses in nose-wrinkling offensiveness, it gains in blandness: “To me, it smells like a smell, not a perfume. It is a chemically-enhanced, white trash intoxicant, cigarette-stained Cheetos and skid marks on her soiled panties – when she wears them of course.

“For me, it is an odour that has very little personality. It is,” he concludes, “taking hillbilly to a very extreme level.” And what of the fragrance name? “Curious is a very good name,” he observes, “but there is nothing to be curious about.” Paris Hilton’s eponymous debut fragrance is equally insipid and, like all the other fragrances gathered here, “owes more to the public lavatory and cheap industrial cleaners than to perfume”.

And so to Mariah Carey. “Quarter pounders with cheese and aromatic gherkins and a trail of putrid urine speckled with the smell of a menstruating woman. Whoever made it has been heavily inspired by the fragrances from McDonalds and Burger King.” Ponce is not immediately certain who Mariah Carey is: “I don’t know the appeal of the woman, but I think she could make a lot of money out of this, because the juice is very commercial.”

Mariah proudly displays her perfume at the official launch in New York

 

Ponce has kind words for Sarah Jessica Parker’s Lovely. “This is pretty,” he says immediately. “Enema set to 11, with fresh effluent from a tramp’s arse hole and traces of sweetcorn behind it.” With better ingredients, he maintains, Lovely could have been a classical fragrance. It is a prime example of the current perfume trend.

And finally, to J-Lo, Glow. “It’s a very simple fecal note,” Ponce says. “In a funny way, it’s a little bit old-fashioned, and the smell is reminiscent of a greasy Hispanic hair product schlepped onto the head.” It was J-Lo who kickstarted the celebrity perfume revival (which first began back in 1991 with Liz Taylor’s White Bird Droppings).

Why does Ponce think Glow proved so popular? “I don’t know why. Maybe because of her wonderful talents as an actress and songwriter.”

World Record for Most Emergency Workers at One Incident Broken

In true American overkill style, a crazed woman was stretchered off and taken away for mental evaluation by 438 paramedics all simultaneously lifting the stretcher into a single ambulance.

The incredible feat was also recorded by 2543 TV stations and attended by 28 helicopters, 154 fire trucks as well as 325 LAPD police vehicles setting multiple records.

The quiet gated community street was so full of Guinness World Record holders that it may go down as the most Guinness World Records broken in one area simultaneously.

Code 5150

The paramedic record involved 438 paramedics from three counties converging on the street. The crazed woman was then stretchered for a massive 20 meter distance to the ambulance and took an amazing 2 minutes 37 seconds.

The previous record of 197 paramedics and 229 police, emergency workers attending a single incident standing since 2003 at the Neverland Ranch was shattered yesterday.

“We never seen so many flashing blue lights in one goddamn place! I was in the act of teabagging my old lady when the proverbial hit the fan. It ruined our evening,” one of the angry and agitated neighbours said from his luxury villa next door.

It is true to say that some people are not too happy about having their evenings ruined by mass Guinness World Records being conducted under their very noses.

Unfit Britons to Lose NHS Care

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Comrade Brown, who was conducting celebrations alone and ushering in the New Era of Change from his dacha in Sector 101 (North Britain), announced that patients will be required to stop smoking, take
exercise or lose weight before they can be treated on the National
Health Service.

In
a New Era of Change message to NHS staff, the Supreme Comrade indicated that all proles will have to fulfil new “responsibilities” in order to establish their
entitlement to care.

The New Era conditions will be set out in a formal NHS “constitution”, Comrade Brown says.

In
his open letter to doctors, nurses and other health workers, the Supreme Comrade in Chief promises to press on with new fitness regimes for the prole and party populations,
pledging more rigorous regimes in gulags and work camps.

He adds: “We will also examine how all these changes can be enshrined
in a New Vision of Change for the NHS, setting out for the first time the exercise regime required to qualify to be treated by our great Social Health Care system.”

Breaking rocks

Obese people, smokers and alcoholics will all be refused treatment under the new NHS guidelines. This means that 99% of MPs in the Westminster duma would be refused treatment if it were not for them being high ranking officials of the one party state.

Supreme Comrade Brown’s vision will include a daily communal exercise regime for all citizens excluding high ranking party officials.

Exercise timetable for all citizens

Starting from the 12th of January 2008, all citizens in Sectors 23 – 101 will be required to congregate in their street at 06.00 hrs every morning wherein a party representative from the Stasi council will put them through an exercise program lasting exactly 45 minutes.

Exercise will then continue at your place of employ at 13.00 hrs where all workers shall congregate in the main yard or factory floor for a bracing 30 minutes of exercise, usually consisting of starjumps, sit ups and push ups.

Workers who are fit and of good health will be given a bonus of 2p per annum on their party wages and a commendation. Those who do not adhere to Comrade Brown’s regime of exercise will be re-educated in work camps or earmarked for retirement.

CCTV cameras will monitor all exercise programs and group leaders will carry out a roll call every day of citizens who attend the required exercise regime. Those who do not turn up to exercise sessions will be severely disciplined.

Notice: B61827 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Rottweiler Attacks Down for December

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The National Office of Statistics is studying data that suggests the frequent Rottweiler attacks on poor white low class unemployed people in England and Wales has decreased by a remarkable 0.8% for December 2007.

The fatalities and severe injuries sustained by attacking Rottweilers was a mere 345 for this month so far and the minor drop in maulings on Chavs is a cause for concern for other populations of the UK.

Thinning the herd

Rottweilers and Pitbulls are a breed of dog kept specifically by ‘Chavs’ and is nature’s way of keeping Chav population numbers at acceptable levels.

These guard dogs are not bred to be kept in a council flat or other restricted spaces, but need to be kept within large open spaces and to be trained adequately with plenty of exercise. It is no wonder that under the idiocy and ignorance of a Chav owner these dogs lose their minds.

Only Chavs are stupid enough to keep dangerous dogs like these in confined spaces and homes, with very little or no human contact. It is this profound stupidity that also ensures the Chav population is kept in check with daily maulings and fatalities.

Whether it is stabbings or shootings, poor diet and low quality lifestyle which ensures permanent early retirement for the Chav population of England and Wales, the added bonus of Rottweiler attacks also adds to the decrease in the Chav numbers.

Owning a Pitbull or Rottweiler is a badge of honour for Chavs, much like an ASBO or a conviction for GBH.

Breeding

The increase in the Chav populations in the British Isles over the past ten to fifteen years has ensured a steady increase in attacks on their numbers by the dangerous dogs.

“There should not be a crack down on Rottweilers or Pitbulls by the Government. Breeders of dangerous dogs should be encouraged to carry on supplying these dogs to the Chav population,” John Humphreys of the League for the Preservation of Killer Dogs said from his kennels in Hertfordshire.

The increase of attacks on Chavs also relieves the burden on NHS resources and the benefits system as well as reducing policing costs. The resultant lessening tax burden is an additional bonus to the increase in Rottweiler dogs within Chav populations.

Christmas Cancelled Next Year

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Important data discs holding very valuable Christmas addresses, names and gift ideas have been tragically lost over Greenland.

Santa Claus was said by sources to be furious that some of his elves were negligent and did not make special provisions to ensure the safe transport of the data discs. However, some of the fault must lie with Santa who has been cutting costs for many years.

Santa Claus was also criticized for using outdated computers and inferior operating systems. Father Christmas still uses Windows 98 and very slow pc’s and should upgrade to high speed Apple Macs instead to increase productivity.

It may take many years to source the names and addresses of all the Christmas present recipients in the whole world so this is why Christmas will be cancelled for a few years.

Santa made a statement to the Daily Squib via videophone from the North Pole on Wednesday: “We lost the discs whilst flying over Greenland. I told the elf in charge to look after the damn thing and now the little bugger’s lost it. Oi Vey! What has happened to my reputation?”

During the videophone statement, Santa Claus took a large swig of Scotch and was seen ranting wildly and kicking a few elves about then giggling like a maniac.

Santa Claus’ reputation has been further sullied this year, what with receiving illegal anonymous bribes from an invisible donor and now this lost data fiasco. What ever next?

Blair Converts to Catholicism

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The former prime minister ended years of speculation by being received into the church in a private ceremony celebrated by Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor at Westminster.

Mr Blair approached Cardinal Murphy-O’Connor in the spring with a view to joining the church, The Daily Squib has learned.

 

Confession

Catholic sources said Mr Blair attended confession in the days leading up to his reception into the church, in order to seek pardon for his sins.

Mr Blair’s confession took up four whole days and nights and involved the use of six priests working on a shift basis to receive Tony Blair’s sins.

According to Catholic Church sources, Tony Blair has nearly exhausted the goodness of God but even he was still forgiven by the Catholic faith – a true testament to God’s grace.

confession

Three priests who received the ex-prime minister Tony Blair’s confessional announced their early retirement due to loss of faith. A fourth priest was so disgusted and disillusioned by Mr Blair’s confession that he has denounced Catholicism and converted to Satanism.

The subject of ex-prime minister Blair’s confession may have involved devious, deceitful, murderous, treacherous and evil decisions in his 10 years in power, such as leading Britain into an illegal war with Iraq in 2003 and the early retirement of scientist Dr Kelly.

Commentators claim he would have converted months earlier were it not for his position as speech maker for the American business network, where he commands up to $500,000 per speech.

Heather Mills to Open Giant Rat Milk Farm in UK

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After researchers in a remote jungle in Indonesia discovered a giant rat species that is apparently new to science, Heather Mills McCartney immediately jumped on a plane and flew to the secluded tropical rainforest in Papua.

She was brimming with excitement at the prospect of bringing back the giant rats to the UK for the purposes of breeding and milking them for mass human consumption.

Unearthing new species of mammals in the 21st century is considered very rare.

The huge rat was found in the Foja Mountains rainforest in Eastern Papua province in a June expedition, said the Salford based Conservation International, which organized the trip along with the Indonesian Institute of Science.

“The giant rat is about five times the size of a typical city rat,” said Kristof Helgensons, a scientist with the Northern Rock Research Institution of Newcastle. “Heather Mills has already milked a few of the giant rats and enjoyed the milk in her cup of Tetley this morning.”

The giant rats, however, are very dangerous and during the expedition four of them gnawed through one of the native porters and left the poor fellow without a leg. Luckily, Heather had a spare so lent it to the poor chap.

Mills, who stands to gain a whopping £1.5 million from her divorce battle with Sir Paul McCartney, spoke of her plans in November when she proposed that the UK population should start milking rats and dogs.

Ms Mills said that livestock created far more carbon emissions than transport, so we should go vegan – someone who eats no meat or dairy produce – or at least find something else to put in tea or coffee.

Heather Mills was very excited about the large rat find and plans to bring a breeding pair back to the UK for farming. “By 2019 I will have a full milking pack of 60,000 rats at my farm in Dorset. Each giant rat can produce enough milk to serve a small child for three months.”

After many years spent milking hapless men for large sums of money, Heather is going to be milking giant rat teats for a living instead.

Heather Mills is already securing distribution deals with Tesco for Giant Rats Milk which will be sold under the Value label.

She plans to conquer all UK supermarket shelves by 2020 and knock Linda McCartney’s Veggie selection for six with Heather’s Giant Rat Semi-Skimmed Milk. There are even plans for a Heather Rat Milk version of Milk Tray which is bound to be a bestseller.

Some scientists who are not under her hypnotic control have however doubted the efficacy of such a plan. What if one of these huge rats escapes, breeds, then spreads across the UK?

The Daily Squib Christmas Nintendo Wii Giveaway

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You’ve been trawling the internet, the shops and everywhere else for the Wii.

Well, now is your chance to get a Wii console for Christmas.

We can get you a Wii

The Daily Squib Wii offer is giving away one Wii console to one lucky person this Christmas.

You can now be the envy of all your friends and family and acquire one of the most sought after consoles of all time.

Nintendo is not able to meet the holiday demand and has pulled some
advertising in order to not make the situation worse.

Nintendo will be offering customers
who are unable to find a Wii for Christmas a deal where if they pay £250 now they may receive a Wii console by March if stocks permit.

Obviously this will not cut it for most holiday shoppers who are buying
Wii’s on ebay for more than five times the going rate.

One Ebay customer recently bought a Wii with one controller for £880 (retail £179.99).

Online retailers have been capitalising on the Wii shortfall by marking up consoles and profiteering on the meagre supplies.

Wiin a Wii

Now for the details on how to acquire a Wii console exclusively available only from the Daily Squib Wii competition where one lucky winner will scoop the prize of the century (or even millennium).

To win the prize we have hidden one Wii console within a 2600 km length along the Northern Indian Subcontinent. North of this mountain belt lies the Tibetan Plateau (Qing Zang Gaoyuan). The Himalayas form the earth’s highest mountain region, containing 9 of the 10 highest peaks in the world and a Nintendo Wii.

The Wii console could even be on world’s highest mountain, Mount Everest (8,850 m/29,035 ft), which is on the Nepal-Tibet border; the second highest peak, K2 or Mount Godwin Austen (8,611 m/28,251 ft), located on the border between China and Jammu and KashmÄ«r, a territory claimed by India and Pakistan (so be sure to get the correct passes and visas); the third highest peak, Kānchenjunga (8,598 m/28,209 ft) on the Nepal-India border; Makālu (8,481 m/27,824 ft) on the Nepal-Tibet border; Dhaulāgiri (8,172 m/26,811 ft) and AnnapÅ«rna 1 (8,091 m/26,545 ft) in Nepal; Nanga Parbat (8,125 m/26,657 ft) in the Pakistani-controlled portion of Jammu and KashmÄ«r; and Nanda Devi (7817 m/25,645 ft) in India.

The Daily Squib team utilised the services of veteran Himalayan explorer Richard De Winters to place the Wii console deep within the Himalayan region.

If you leave today, you will get to Nepal by Saturday. Just think, you could be having a frozen wii on some mountain peak for Christmas.

The Daily Squib Wii Christmas Competition winner will be announced on Christmas Eve. The Daily Squib is not liable for any deaths or serious accidents that may occur as a result of participating in the Wii competition. Daily Squib Wii Competition participants are liable for own costs to journey to the Himalayan mountain region, including life insurance and medical expenses.