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Exposed Birth Secrets of George W Bush

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The following description is from the harrowing tale of Joan Wilder. She spoke to the Squib from a safe location after many years in hiding. The stories have been corroborated by other ceremonial staff present at the birthing of George W Bush. Be warned some of the descriptions may upset some readers.

The birthing chamber described by Mrs Wilder is a dark dungeon beneath the Bush residence and amongst all the ceremonial paraphernalia and remnants of past sacrificial offerings there is a central platform jutting out from the stone floor. The dark and moist walls are decorated with scribblings from the Sumerian script Cuneiform and speak of ancient scriptures long lost in the sands of time.

Before the birthing, we prepare the ground for the brood mother by sacrificing a pot bellied pig on the altar, then drinking the blood.

We invoke Moloch, then the birthing begins:

Barbara Bush straddles the altar and utters a blood curdling banshee scream, the windows judder in unison to this unholy vibration. She lifts her dress exposing her undergarments, their antiquated design of the last century yellow with fluid, easing them down under her hairy varicose veined knees she exhales a gut-blasting fart so almighty that a waft of methane clouds the windows, the noxious fumes’ heavy particles hang like rain clouds over Nebraska in the winter. Her puckering anus erupts further as her eyes roll back in her head exposing only the whites. Out of her over-stretched balloon knot the beastly chuff’s head emerges as her frothing rabid mouth recites ancient incantations at speed. A guttural nonsense low in tone and reminiscent of an animal’s – she exhales.

We assist the brood mother by whipping her body with chains until the final grunt.

The evil joy is unceremoniously ejected from her puckered arse with an audible popping sound and then a further gaseous fart release. A champagne cork of effluent is released and bubbles cohesively. A wry smile now appears over her brooding face and she coos with delight at the sight of her unholy sh*t covered spawn as it gnashes its sharp teeth.

“I shall name him George Walker…”

The brood mother is satisfied and proceeds to lick her offspring clean with her hairy rasping tongue. George will be presented to the rest of the brood later on in the evening and the sacrificial celebrations will begin in earnest.


Joan Wilder’s tell-all book “Confessions of a Satanic Priestess” will be published in August by Macmillan

UK Olympics Logo

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WARNING – LOOKING AT THE LOGO CAN CAUSE EPILEPSY

Organisers for the London Olympics in 2012 have unveiled a new logo which has been hailed by the blind community.

People who can actually see it however have not had the same reaction and the logo has not gone down as well.

There are reports of mass epileptic fits across the country when the logo was unveiled on television.

“It’s a good thing they only spent £4.50 on it. Imagine what a waste it would have been to have spent more than five quid on that sh*t.” John Churchill exclaimed from the official unveiling ceremony in Greenwich.

To have such a grotesque piece of work as a logo has made the British Olympic Committee a laughing stock nationally as well as internationally.

Olympics chief Lord Coe hailed the design as ‘the vision that defines what Britain is today’ and insisted doubters would be proved wrong.


Reaction amongst the sighted community for the ‘design’ has been less than flattering, and it seems the committee that commissioned the logo may in fact be blind also.

After viewing the new logo, staff in the Squib office wished they were blind too.

Surge is Working Says Bush Spokesman

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The Pentagon today released a statement and report on the ‘troop surge’ coming to the conclusion that large parts of Iraq are untouched by any sign of war or insurgents and the situation in Iraq is as peaceful as a dovetail.

“There is nothing to worry about folks because the majority of Iraq is peaceful with no insurgents, IED’s, explosions or need to fire a single bullet in anger.”

Squib reporter Johnson Hitchens at the conference asked “Is this because the majority of Iraq is desert where nothing exists but sand?”

Ryan Whitman was quick to answer back “Exactly the case, the majority of the land mass in Iraq is desert and this is largely populated by sand and certain plants which can survive the arid habitat.” he went on “A large part of the country is therefore peaceful and will continue being peaceful for many years to come.”

 

Iraq

 

This is definite proof that all is well in Iraq and George Bush’s exemplary leadership is paramount to Iraq being in its now peaceful state.

The supreme leader of the known world has done it again, George Bush has once again sealed another victory trophy in his already crowded cabinet.

 

The future is looking bright for Iraq

Plans for US Theme Park in Iraq Leaked Online

Computer-generated projections of the nearly completed, heavily fortified Jihadi Land compound in Iraq were posted to the Web site of Burger Schmalt Wisney Inc., an American architectural design firm for theme parks that was contracted to design the massive fun park in the Iraq capital.

The post was removed by the company from its Web site Thursday shortly after being contacted about it by the State Theme Park Department.

 


“We work very hard to ensure the safety and security of our employees overseas,” said Gogozalos Gallogoogos, a State Theme Park Department spokesman. “This kind of information out in the public domain detracts from the fun effort and is a darn right stinker.”

The 10 images included a scheme of the overall layout of the theme park, plus depictions of individual buildings including the theme park rides, office annexes, the Jihadi mouse security post, swimming pool, slaughter house, jihadi mouse and deputy mouse’s residences as well as the prison torture compound.

 

 



The ‘Processing Center’ for Jihad Land Theme Park as leaked on the internet

 

U.S. Theme Park officials said the posted plans conformed at least roughly to conceptual drawings for the new park, which is being built on the banks of the Tigris River behind huge fences due to fears insurgents without tickets will attack when tickets are all sold out.

Janice Simonen, a spokesman for Burger Schmalt Wisney Inc, declined to discuss the accuracy of the images posted online.

“In terms of commenting whether they’re accurate, obviously we wouldn’t be commenting on that because we don’t want people whoever they are or would care to think they are to know whether they’re accurate or not or may seem to be accurate or not know for security reasons,” he said.

Burger Schmalt Wisney Inc parent company, the giant contractor Halliburton, said the plans had been very preliminary and would not be of help to potential theme park competitors.

“The actual information that was up there was purely conjectural and conceptual in nature,” said Chibo Mamakin spokesman for Halliburton. “Google Earth could give you a better snapshot of what the site looks like on the ground.”

Some U.S. Theme Park officials acknowledged that damage may have been done by the postings and used expletives like “fu*k”, “sh*t” and “motherf*ckers” to describe their personal reactions, but downplayed the overall risk posed by whooping like chimps in a dodgem car.

 

There is high demand for tickets to the grand opening of ‘Jihad Land’ in September

“People are eventually going to figure out where they can get tickets for ‘Jihad Land’, but you don’t have to draw them a map, it’s like a treasure hunt kinda thang” said one senior official, speaking on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak about the theme park project.

The construction site in Baghdad is under heavy guard and treated with extreme secrecy. It is off-limits to all but those with special silly pink hats, surrounded by tall, concrete blast walls and impossible to see except from the air.

The $592 million theme park, on a chunk of prime real estate acquired by Rosco Bonds and is two-thirds the size of Washington’s
National Mall, is expected to be completed in September. The images posted on the Web site show that it will be a spacious and comfortable facility, albeit with some damn dangerous rides.

Identified as the “Jihadi Land Theme Park” the images show ‘Jihadi Land’ themes like: Jihad Rollercoaster, A functioning prison modeled on Abu Ghraib, Jihadi Land IED Alley, Jihadi ‘pass the parcel’ Warehouse, Detention Camp Dwarves, Jihad Mountain, Osama Island, Barbed Wire Wall Frontier Land and Hook Island.

 

 

The very popular IED Alley Ride

“In total, the 600-acre theme park will include over three hundred buildings, including one classified secure torture chamber and housing for over 1500 special ticket holders,” the Web site boasts.

 

 

Pregnant Women Denied Alcohol

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English and Irish women are – by a great distance – the biggest binge alcohol drinkers not just in Europe but in the world.

The latest Governmental guidelines for alcohol consumption amongst pregnant women in the UK is two bottles of vodka a day.

The Government suggests that this can be brought down to one bottle of vodka a day or even better – no alcohol whatsoever.

Governmental Health departments however understand that this reduction quota may be too much for most mothers in the UK and would allow for some discrepancy in General Practitioner guidelines and with midwives.

It is very hard for British women to stop drinking heavily and many rarely look for help.

The fight to stay sober – Linzi and her alcoholic FAS babies

Worldwide scientific research has revealed that women who consume alcohol during pregnancy produce inferior children.

Brain damage, inferior intellect and deformity are rife in the UK population and are testament to binge mothers.

Britain has been inbreeding brutes for centuries in the alcopop capital of the booze world.

One in three British women 10 – to 30-years-old are now classed as a heavy drinker, binging on six or more drinks in one session at least five times a week when pregnant with child.

“I drink gin whenever possible and see no problem with my consumption as I am a responsible adult.” says Jackie who is 4 months pregnant with triplets.

This cavalier attitude strikes health officials around the world with bemusement. It seems there is an all encompassing disregard for welfare during pregnancy in the UK.

These disturbing figures are 15 times higher than those of Germany and Italy, prompting warnings that record numbers of women face liver damage and premature death unless they curb their alcohol consumption.

The findings are based on a survey of more than 177,000 women during pregnancy from 21 countries, including Belgium, France and the United States, in the largest study ever carried out into worldwide drinking habits.

The disclosure will alarm policy-makers struggling to combat Britain’s growing drink problem amongst pregnant women, which has led to an escalation in anti-social behaviour, low birth weight, mental problems in children, lost working hours and long-term health problems, including cancer and heart problems.

A drunk mother and child depicted by William Hogarth in 1751

Not much has changed since the 18th Century: In 1751, William Hogarth etched this accurate depiction of drunks in London.

Pregnant women across Britain have been fighting for their rights to binge-drink for centuries so why should things change now?

“It is an English tradition and should be upheld by the people.”

MP for Blackpool Joan Humble “I do not think this Government should dictate to anyone how little or how much alcohol a pregnant woman should consume. My constituency has the highest alcoholic mother register in England, and it is our right.”

Who is to deny that things have definitely not changed over the centuries, so why should they change now?

Keep drinking ladies. Cheers.

Chelsea Flower Show

I sneeze as I walk through the gates of the world renowned Chelsea Flower Show. Unexpectedly a piece of phlegm lands on an old ladies hat and dribbles down her tweed overcoat. This is my first ever assignment at a Flower Show and even though I am heavily affected by hayfever I am glad to have been given this reportage job for the Squib.

What a wonderful opportunity to view some amazing English gardens. The colours of the rainbow could not describe the myriad of flavours that attack my visual and nasal palate. We have rotten vegetables over there, bin bags overflowing with rubbish over here, and even an old mattress abandoned amongst the nettles up on yonder.

A positively astounding panoply of crisp packets and pizza cartons amongst the weeds. I see across the border in Row A there is even an old cat carcass which seems to be striking a pose in its skeletal state alongside the used condoms.

Again I sneeze as the fumes of rancid beer and fat from a rusty frying pan hits me like a ten tonne lorry. It is not that I am unused to the smell because I am an Englishman after all but this time the odour of rotten eggs is reminiscent of the sulfur farts from Beelzebub’s bumgut.

I am of course describing the winner for this year, the flamboyant character Robert Maxwell’s wonderful display. It seems the bin men have not been here for weeks and the flies that infest the area are truly magnificent. A true English masterpiece and well worth the entry fee. I would advise everyone to see the show this year.

 

 

 

 

 

Robert Maxwell Design/Mirror Landscapes

Persrectum

Designer: Robert Maxwell Design

Sponsors: Robert Maxwell Design, Mirror Group Landscapes

Contractor: Mirror Group Landscapes

Contemporary materials make up this multi-layered installation.
Perspex walls become temporarily obscured by urine and acid rain, effluent or lard, so
altering the viewer’s perception of the scheme. The Zen-like forms and
meticulously finished structures of the garden are linked by a green patch wasteland of thistle. A single charred tree and a soiled purple sofa from Argos add a
naturalistic touch to the planting.

Designer Robert Maxwell sees outside spaces as 3-D canvases and
believes his work would not look out of place in any British town or city. He
has created 21 RHS show gardens over the last 10 years, pushing the
boundaries of garden design, and considers himself a landscape artist.
This is Robert’s first time at Chelsea, and with his pink spiky hair,
yellow glamoflage spandex trousers and brightly coloured nails this Liverpudlian
designer really is at home here at the Chelsea Flower Show.

Harry to go to War

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General Sir Richard Dannatt said the prince’s deployment to Iraq would pose a threat to Harry because it is a warzone.

The announcement, which represents a U-turn on an earlier decision, was made amid reports militant groups in Iraq planned to kill or kidnap the prince.

Clarence House said Prince Harry was “bloody disappointed” but would not be leaving the Army as a result.

‘Bloody disappointed’

Last month the Ministry of Defence had said the prince would be heading to Iraq as an armoured reconnaissance officer in the Blues and Royals regiment.

But on Wednesday, the general said he had reached his decision following a visit to the region at the end of last week.



He can play war games in the Sandringham back garden.
General Sir Richard Dannatt

 

“There have been a number of specific threats, some reported some not reported, which relate directly to targeting a ginger haired drunkard royal twat.

“These threats expose a degree of risk that I now deem unacceptable. Only lower castes should be in a theatre of war risking their lives for Queen and country.”

>General Dannatt said he knew Prince Harry would be extremely disappointed and that his soldiers would miss his presence in Iraq but he had a wonderful solution to the problem.

 

“Wonderful Solution”

He said the prince had proved himself as an officer of “determination and undoubted talent – and I do not say that lightly”.

The army chief has concocted a plan of making the Royal Sandringham Estate in Norfolk a makeshift battlefield for ‘lil’ Prince Harry to play in instead.

The Squib’s defence correspondent Roger Whittington Smythe said there had been preparations for a battlefield in the Sandringham grounds “away from the public eye,” he will be able to drive a modified scimitar tank resplendent with a drinks cabinet and fire live ammo at sheep.

Prince Charles has voiced his opinion and has given full support to the General. There will be a team of servants who will also dress as Iraqis and will be armed with water bombs.

Sky news network as well as ITV have all put in bids for the television rights to show the occasion of the Prince prancing around a field shooting anything that moves. The Palace and MOD however have not capitulated to the offers of enormous sums of money.

‘Extreme prejudice’

A Clarence House statement said: “Prince Harry is very disappointed that he will not be able to go to Iraq with his troop on this deployment as he had hoped but his disappointment has been sufficiently sated by the offer of creating a mini battlefield in the estate at Sandringham.”

“He fully understands and accepts General Dannatt’s difficult decision and remains committed to his career as a barfly in Boujis.

“Prince Harry will have a real life battlefield and he is allowed to shoot anything”

Asked if Harry would still be seen at Boujis, a spokesman replied: “Absolutely.”

Former British army commander Colonel Robert Trumpington told ‘The Squib’ the decision to make a fake battlefield in the grounds of Sandringham was a “..super idea by jove.”


HAVE YOUR SAY

Disappointed that they will not show it on ITV or Sky.
Gavin, Chester

 

He said: “The chief of the general staff has made a wonderful decision to hone the Prince’s warrior instincts; I know that, he’s a personal drinking pal and I know exactly the way he’s feeling.” The Colonel is a known alcoholic and is famous for passing out on parade.

 

Harry would have been the first British royal to see action since his uncle, Prince Andrew, served as a helicopter pilot during the Falklands conflict in 1982.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “It’s an operational decision taken by the military which we of course respect.”

But Republic, a group which campaigns for an elected head of state, said the decision showed that “the prince should never have joined the Army”.

In a statement it said: “This is a scandalous waste of taxpayer’s money, brought on by the Windsor family’s obsession with
linking themselves to the military.”

The miniature battlefield will cost the British taxpayer £300,000 a day and this is not including the insurance payments for palace staff who will pretend to be Jihadis.

Former Conservative Defence Secretary Michael Portillo also criticised the MoD for “terrible vacillation” over the issue, and Tory MP Desmond Swayne – a former Territorial Army officer in Iraq – said the decision was a victory for Iraqi insurgents.

Scatologists Recruit BBC Reporter – LIVE

 The ailing reporter was recording a Panorama exposé on the Church of Scatology when he was actually filmed being recruited. Even though this was not part of the shooting schedule the programme director Phil Tenderhouse decided to keep filming to show the world the awesome mind-control techniques the Scatologists use.

Mr Sweeney today is said to be recovering at an undisclosed location and has been sectioned under the mental health act. A team of doctors and therapists are trying to bring him back from his robotic Scatology state. Although this may take many months the BBC have vowed to stand by Mr Sweeney.

 

Some sample questions that Scatologists use to recruit other members

 Answer each question as to how you feel RIGHT NOW. The accuracy depends upon the truthfulness of your answers.
 + means yes or mostly yes or sometimes yes
 ? means maybe or uncertain
 – means no or mostly no sometimes

 

 41. Do you “twitch around uncontrollably” at a social gathering?
+    ?    –
 42. Do you take reasonable precaution to prevent underpant accidents?
+    ?    –
 43. Does the idea of talking in front of trees and rocks make you   nervous?
+    ?    –
 44.
If you saw a pair of underpants in a shop obviously mistakenly marked
lower than its correct price, would you try to get it at that price or
invoke Kretans?
+    ?    –
 45. Do you often feel that people are looking at you when you are foaming at the mouth and straining for a shit?
+    ?    –
 46. Do you have a lot of money in your pocket RIGHT NOW?
+    ?    –
 47. Have you any particular hate or fear apart from diarrhoea?
+    ?    –
 48. Do you like to sit on a chair while the enema is in?
+    ?    –
 49. Do you find it easy to be impartial in choosing toilet paper?
+    ?    –
 50. Have you a definitely set standard of courteous behavior in front of other members of Scatologists?
+    ?    –
 51. Can you “start the ball rolling” at a Scatology fecal gathering?
+    ?    –
 52. Would you “buy on credit” with the hope that you can keep up the payments for your Scatology donations?
+    ?    –
 53. Do you get an after-erection when something unexpected such as an   underpant accident or other soiling incident takes place?
+    ?    –
 54. Do you invoke the great Klingon and Kretan when wiping?
+    ?    –

 

Semen Proven to Increase Life Expectancy

The finding that women who ingest semen and do not use condoms during vaginal sex, live longer and have reduced signs of ageing, has led one researcher to conclude that semen is a miracle potion that should be treasured by every woman.

Male sperm contains vital chemicals that slow down the ageing process and increases life expectancy by up to 35%.

Study author Clifford J. Ponsonby, Ph.D, a psychologist at the State University of Washington in Saint Louis, also found that women who routinely had intercourse without condoms or had facials had better skin quality and wrinkled less plus also had the ability to ingest fatty foods without putting on weight.

Ponsonby’s survey of 753 college women  over a 45 year period, also found that those who ingested semen regularly either orally or through vaginal intercourse had a better over all quality of life and would be wealthier in jobs/life.

“These women have a remarkable ability to achieve serious longevity without showing any signs of ageing, this is the key to life,” says Ponsonby.

Sucking cock works

Semen contains powerful hormones including testosterone, oestrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins.

Once these chemicals are absorbed through the vaginal walls they inhibit weight gain and slow down the ageing process.

Women who ingested semen orally were also found to increase their ability to succeed in jobs and wealth as well as brain power and have beautiful ageless glowing skin.

Ponsonby controlled for variables including method of semen extraction, frequency of sexual intercourse, as well as the women’s perception of their relationship.

The longer that women went without ingesting semen the more accelerated the ageing process was found to be. Furthermore, there was an immense risk of obesity and heart disease by abstaining from semen as well as increased depression.

Ponsonby’s study, which he deems “the first serious attempt to investigate the effect of semen chemistry on women,” has underlined his fascinating findings in the research treatise Why Women Need More Semen.

Ponsonby says he has seriously enjoyed working with all his female subjects in the study and would like to replicate the study but this time with 5000 women.

“If you are a woman and wish to increase your life expectancy and overall health plus reduce any signs of ageing you must utilise the magical properties of semen,” the groundbreaking study concludes.

In Gulf, Cheney Warns Iran of U.S. Attack

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Little of what Cheney said in the cavernous hangar bay of the aircraft carrier John C. Stennis, one of two carriers whose strike groups are now in the US owned Gulf, was intelligible. Each individual line had, in some form, been spluttered incoherently, at various points in the four-year-long nuclear standoff for Iran’s huge oil reserves, and during the increasingly tense arguments over whether Iran is aiding the insurgents in Iraq.
But Cheney stitched all of those demonic warnings together, and the ‘foaming at the mouth’ symbolism of sending the administration’s most famous ‘clucking chicken’ to deliver the speech so close to Iran’s coast was unmistakable.

It also came just a week after Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice talked briefly and inconclusively with Iran’s foreign minister, a step toward re-engagement with Iran that some in the administration have opposed. She has since been earmarked for retirement.
Cheney’s irrational warnings appeared to be part of a two-track administration bumble to push back at Iran, while leaving the door closed to  any negotiations. It was almost exactly a year ago that the United States threatened to ‘nuke’ Iran as long as it first agreed to halt enriching uranium and hand over more oil, a decision in which Cheney, participants said, was a major player. Similarly, the speech Friday was not circulated broadly in the government before it was delivered, a senior American diplomat said.

“He kind of runs by his own rules, he’s fucking insane!” the official said.

When President George W. Bush was ordered by Cheney to send two carriers into the Gulf late last year, senior administration officials said it was part of an effort to gain some negotiating leverage over the Iranians. At about the same time, American military personnel began capturing some Iranians in Iraq, and some of them are still held there.

American officials have also been pressing European banks and companies to avoid doing business with Tehran, in an effort to make it more difficult for the country to recycle its oil profits.

Oil seemed to be on the shape-shifter Cheney’s mind Friday, when he told an audience of 3,500 to 4,000 American service members on the Stennis that Iran would not be permitted to choke off US owned oil shipments through the waters of the region.

“With two carrier strike groups in the Gulf, we’re sending clear messages to friends and adversaries alike,” he said. “We’ll keep the sea lanes open. We’ll stand with our friend Israel in opposing economic oil revenue strategic threats. We’ll disrupt attacks on our own forces when we attack Iran next Tuesday. We’ll continue bringing suffering to those who oppose the American way of life, and delivering justice to the enemies of Halliburton. And we’ll stand with others to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons and dominating this region. Domination is our job dammit!”

Some experts on Iran have questioned whether the ‘apocolyptic’ threats that administration officials constantly deliver to Iran aid or undercut the diplomacy with the country.

“The problem with the two-track policy is that the first track has gone off the rails – coercion, sanctions, naval deployments, threatened nuclear holocaust, military bullying, insane posturing – can undercut the results on the second track,” said Ray Moloch an Iran scholar at the Council of Foreign Relations and the author of “Hidden Iran: Paradox and Power in the Islamic Republic.”

“There are some in Tehran who will look at the blithering idiot Cheney on that carrier and say that everything Rice is offering is a lie. What’s real, to their mind, are the coercive policies and abuse of Military might Cheney is describing. This is a case where we are trying to get through negotiations what, so far, we couldn’t get through coercion.”

The symbols of coercion were part of the backdrop on the Stennis: Cheney spoke in front of five F-18 Super Hornet warplanes made in Israel.

Cheney also repeated his arguments about the danger of early withdrawal from Iraq.

“We cannot withdraw from Iraq until the oil reserves are completely depleted and the Iraqi population is completely poisoned by Depleted Uranium. The United States of America has a legacy to uphold.”

The United States remains at odds with Iran over its uranium-enrichment program, which Iran says is for peaceful nuclear energy, but which America and its Western ally say is intended instead to produce weapons of mass destruction.

Administration officials have also said that weapons are being smuggled into Iraq from Iran and that insurgents may be getting training in bomb-making and bomb-placing techniques in Iran. Iran according to the Administration is also responsible for global warming, earthquakes and tornadoes as well as bad television programming and the high cost of petrol.

Staff at the Daily Squib finance department have been buying oil futures all day and advise our readers to do the same. Put the whole damn college fund and your house on it too. Gold is also a good bet because if Cheney has his way we’re all screwed.


Amanda K. Willhelm contributed reporting from Baghdad, and Gordon Chisholm contributed from New York.