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Police Release Haymarket Bomber Photograph

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Anti-terrorist police in Britain have released a new image of a man suspected of attempting to carry out a bomb attack in London’s Haymarket.

The picture shows a composite image of a man who is in his mid 50s and was compiled by numerous witnesses.

The unidentified man is suspected of driving a silver Mercedes erratically, then fleeing on foot.


The vehicle was found to have a bomb in it and would have caused quite a bang.

The timing of the attempted bombing is high on the agenda, and people are wondering if the instatement of Gordon Brown as new Prime Minister has anything to do with it.

Blair Leaves Office with Legacy Intact

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At a Downing Street press conference today, the former Prime Minister Tony Blair was presented with some framed photographs to commemorate his term in office.

The photographs depicting a shooting from Tal Afar Iraq are an excellent reminder to the Prime Minister of the legacy he has left behind and how he will be viewed in history.

Under Tony Blair’s and George W Bush’s ‘leadership’, over 140,000 Iraqi’s have been killed.

George W Bush, however, has not reached his target of 500,000 Iraqis murdered and will carry on the fight without Tony who is taking an early exit.

Over the last ten years Mr Blair has not achieved much, apart from taking Britain into a war which has caused the death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and Afghans, pumping Iraq full of depleted uranium and displacing millions of people from their homes.

With a proud tear in his eye, Mr Blair accepted the gifts which were presented by six year old Alice Johansen who is the daughter of the US Ambassador to Britain.

Mr Blair was later honoured by the Queen at Buckingham Palace and presented with a medal as appreciation for services rendered to the country.

Mr Blair, who will begin his new job as ‘Middle East Peace Envoy’, is already calculating his untaxed ‘kick-backs’ income which will no doubt be immense.

The incoming gurning unelected Prime Minister Gordon Brown has vowed to carry on the Blair mantle and as he was mumbled into office today he promised that British troops would stay in Iraq and Afghanistan indefinitely.

The rest of the country, however, is resigned to the fate of listening to this morose mumbling idiot for a whole year before he is ousted from his podium of dour hard labour.

 

Muslims Wage Jihad on Jihad

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Mohammed Aqbar is waging Jihad on Jihad itself. He does not carry placards denouncing every other religion under the sun anymore or wishing ill on all the world but instead carries a message of peace and love.

This is Jihad on Jihad, a new movement that is taking the Muslim world by storm.

From Mecca to London there have been protests against the violent militant Islamist doctrine of violence and ugly rhetoric. Instead, the Islamists are now embracing peace and love to all mankind.

“I used to spit on anything Western. Now I embrace them as my brothers and sisters. We are all humans and bleed the same blood.” exclaims Jamia Muammar the spokesman and Imam of the Juala Mosque in Qatar.

In Jerusalem, a city renowned for its deathly divide of Muslim and Jew, there have been celebrations in the streets and Rabbi’s have been seen walking with Imam’s hand in hand in the narrow streets. A feeling of goodwill to all men has been felt throughout the war torn city.

Instead of beheadings in Iraq now there are blessings and foot baths to show love to foreigners. “I welcome all foreigners who wish to do business in my country and instead of beheading you I anoint you with love and tea.” says Sheikh Mahmoud bin Saleh al-Haidari Rafsanjani.

 


Jihad on Jihad protest in London yesterday

Meanwhile, in London where there used to be a big militant Islamic contingent there has been a massive movement towards Jihad on Jihad.

Trafalgar Square and Whitethall were filled with over 50,000 Muslims waging Jihad on Jihad on Tuesday.

“We came here today to love all, Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus and all religions around the globe.” said Mohammed Bakri Ali Qats leader of the ‘Brigades for Love and Peace’ group to cheers and confetti throwing Muslims.

 

 

 

Britain’s Got Talent

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Simon Scowell, who is making another 100 million pounds from his latest ‘talent’ show ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, has chosen this year’s winner for Britain.

Also sitting on the panel is the disgraced ex-newspaper editor Piers Moron, who quit after a massive share scandal a few years back. Why he chooses to surface now from under his rock is a total mystery.

The medium he has chosen to re-appear in however is not surprising at all.

Over the past six weeks they have whittled down the finalists from 400,000 hopefuls and after coming this far the finalists truly deserve their accolade.

The stage is set and the raw talent on show is truly astounding.

TV bosses have been amazed at the huge popularity of the show and the ratings reflect this massive interest.

The talent show had many great talents, and we have outlined a few of the great acts that were on display.

Up first for the final night were the Bracknell crew who are a very talented bunch of burglars and thieves.

They show their prowess by stealing 30 watches from the studio audience and the finale of their presentation culminates in beating an old lady over the head with her umbrella and calling her a ‘slag’.

Bracknell crew third place

Second place goes to the Leeds crew who can drinkf Aldi wine by the gallon.

They manage to drink 25 cartons each and still are able to hot wire a Ford Cortina.

Their wondrous presentation ends with the crew projectile vomiting over the audience.

The audience laps it all up and cheers them off-stage to rapturous applause.

The Leeds crew and Aldi wine list second place

Finally, we come to the first prize winner and Scowell with his fellow judges applaud furiously at the spectacle.

It’s the Enfield ‘massive’, and they know their stuff. They are able to spot an Argos sovereign ring at twenty paces.

Enfield ‘massive’ and the winners of Britain’s Got Talent

Simon Scowell hides a large sovereign ring in Piers Moron’s trousers and tells Moron to hide in the lighting rafters above.

Kev and Lee spot the sovereign ring even though obscured by lighting equipment. It is as if they have a sixth sense.

This genius magic trick is applauded by all and Simon Scowell gives it a full thumbs up.

The Enfield crew who won £10.50 will now have the additional accolade of performing in front of the Queen at Buckingham Palace.

Britain sure has a lot of talented people this year and The Squib is very proud to be part of this great nation’s talent pool.

Channel 4 Pilots New Racist Reality Show

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Endemol, the company behind ‘Big Brother’, is pulling out all the stops for its new Channel 4 production.

In it, celebrities choose who gets saved and who dies. The snag?

The celebrities chosen for the new Baywatch style reality show are known racists and when given a choice, for example, between saving a cute brown skinned three-year-old girl or a white skinned middle-aged overweight tourist they have to make snap decisions.

In the case of one of the contestants, Danielle Lloyd, the latter was her choice and the brown skinned girl drowned horribly when Danielle chose to save the white man who could swim.

The celebrity contestants were all housed in a luxury tropical island complex for four weeks and trained to be lifeguards by real Californian lifesavers.

Other celebrity contestants are the Goody family and Jo O’Meara. The production will air in March and will be presented by football racist, Ron Atkinson.

Madonna True Age Revealed

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A group of eminent archaeologists have successfully carbon dated a portion of the celebrity Madonna. They were able to isolate the correct percentage of carbon 14 from a sample they had been given by an anonymous agent.

The amazing discovery has astounded the archaeologists who have declared Madonna a living fossil and treasure to science.

Speaking from The Institute of Field Archaeologists (IFA) Stephen Dawson said, “Today’s findings are truly remarkable, not since the discovery of artefacts last year in Leeds from the early Bronze age have we found such unique data. This surpasses everything that has passed before because the subject seems to be actually living.”

Exclusively only on The Squib, we can reveal here for the first time that Madonna has been found to be over 1200 years old and was born around 800 AD.

The carbon footprint has led the archaeologists to the then Principality of Benevento which is now called Italy and at the time was part of the ailing Roman Empire.

Conservation experts from the Institute will work on the fragile find and try to preserve the specimen for future generations.

The archaeologists, however, cannot tell us how Madonna has lived for so long and even though this is a total mystery maybe with more research and further tests they can ascertain the mechanics of this anomaly.

Last Piece of Rubble Destroyed in Gaza

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Hamas said it had gained control of much of the rubble and concrete dust in the south after pushing Fatah gunmen out of the north as well as Israeli troops mortars from the east.

The last piece of standing rubble was destroyed by a mortar shell in the northern town of Nablus today at midday.

A senior Hamas official said the two sides had agreed about who owns the most rubble and broken bricks, but clashes continued in Gaza City over rubble rights.

The Hamas official told the Squib that Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniya, from Hamas, and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, from Fatah, had spoken on the telephone.

Details have been released on how Palestinians are going to cope with no shelter if it rains.

‘Rubble in the jungle’

The Hamas source said a nine-point plan had been presented to Fatah which includes demands that Hamas build a shelter out of the remaining pieces of rubble before anymore rubble is pulverised into more fine dust.

Hamas also demanded that it share control with Fatah of any shelter that is built from the rubble, the official said.

The Hamas source said Fatah had agreed to the proposal but there has been no independent confirmation from Fatah.

‘Madness’

Armed members from the factions have been battling in Gaza for several days for control of concrete blocks and rubble pieces.



We demand that all rubble is not destroyed into small pieces of dust.
Mahmoud Abbas
Palestinian Authority President

Rubble in the jungle

 

At least 1700 people were reported killed in fighting on Wednesday with 6300 reported to have died since Saturday.

Hamas appears to be winning this bitter battle for all-out control of destroyed concrete breeze blocks and rubble, says the Squib’s Ali Qat in Ramallah, on the West Bank.

Clashes have been going on since Saturday when hundreds of Fatah and Hamas gunmen fought on the streets and rooftops of Rafah with rocket-propelled grenades and machine guns.

A truce agreed on Monday was quickly broken and fighting escalated across northern Gaza.

On Wednesday, the fighting spread across central and southern Gaza.

In the latest developments:

 

  • At least 200 gunmen of the Fatah-allied Bakr stole a truck load of rubble from Hamas in Gaza City, clan elders and witnesses said

 

 

 

  • An explosion wrecked the Khan Younis rubble pile which stood 3 feet high

 

 

 

  • There were clashes in Gaza City near a local
    Fatah commander’s rubble pile for control of three breeze blocks and a few concrete boulders. Six militants were reported killed

 

‘International appeal’


The Squib’s Ali Qat was taken by Fatah militants to Balata in Nablus where he was shown the Hamas concrete block pile 5 feet high and 3 feet wide which was later destroyed by Israeli shell fire.

The Fatah men promised “rubble for rubble” in the West Bank if the Hamas and Israeli attacks in Gaza did not stop.


Close up view of Gaza

 


Hamas has issued its own ultimatum to Fatah militants in Gaza to lay down their sledgehammers and bombs by 1600 GMT on Friday or risk having them taken from them.

A senior UN co-ordinator for the Middle East said the situation in Gaza was one of the gravest crises the Palestinian people had faced.

“I think we’re witnessing a Hamas rubble rousing in Gaza which will be very difficult to reverse,” Andrew Roberts, a senior UN co-ordinator for the Middle East, told the Squib.

Two workers from the UN relief agency were also among those who died on Wednesday when a Hamas miltant stole a Fatah militants piece of rubble.

The UN said it would temporarily scale back its operations in Gaza.

The international community has called for a ceasefire, and Arab League head Amr Moussa said the fighting was destroying too much rubble and soon all would be left is sand.

Fatah also says it will continue breaking rubble into smaller pieces if a truce cannot be reached. How long before the two factions can cement together some common ground?

Smiling Banker Says Economy Fu**ed

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As Mervyn Allister King tucks into his caviar at his Pall Mall residence he is truly happy to foist another interest rate rise on the destroyed mass of poverty stricken British people who have suffered so much in abject servitude and quiet for so long.

It now costs every Briton a minimum of £60 to fill the tank of their car, a loaf of bread now costs £1.60, to go one stop on a bus costs £2.50, to drive through central London costs £8.00, to buy three tomatoes now costs 95 pence.

If you are an American and reading this, remember to double the prices.

The costs have escalated to such an extent that to stay above the poverty level in the UK one has to be earning over £70,000 even though this sum is heavily taxed by the Government.

The increasing rises in interest rates means that only a minority of people can now own a home but if you do already you are in even more peril. Soaring mortgage payments mean that 80% of all homeowners pay 95% of their salary just in interest payments per month leaving them with a pittance to live on.

“I used to be able to buy a loaf of bread every week but now I can only afford to have bread and butter once a month. The rest of the month I live on brussels sprouts grown in my garden.” Reginald Hubbard who earns in excess of £50,000 per annum tells me from his dingy one bedroom flat in Peckham South London.

The Labour Government under the watchful eye of the uncontested Gordon Brown has made life so miserable for Britons that there are regular punch ups in the streets and shops due to the high stress levels and costs of living in this country.

Meanwhile, worldwide commodity prices drop every day – Oil, Wheat and Gas have all dropped in price in the last few months yet UK household goods have rocketed in price by 8% in the last month alone despite the drop in real value.

Taxation is also increasing daily, council tax is now so high that the Evans family from North London had to abandon one of their children in a supermarket because the 12 year old would have cost them an increase in tax by the age of 13.

There is no respite for anyone who lives in Britain and many are fleeing the rip off centre of the world. A miserable place, where your only hope is to drink yourself to death before you die of pneumonia in your freezing damp grey mortgage hell.

Paris Spectacular Prison Re-Entry

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The Paris Hilton celebrity jail fiasco took a turn from the bizarre to the downright hilarious as Sheriff Lee Oswald, who famously let Ms Hilton leave jail after 3 days, was overruled by Judge Harry Eastwood who wanted to uphold the ‘Law’.

The Sheriff will now NOT be getting a brown envelope in the back room of the Beverly Hills Golf Club and is ‘darn right pissed’.

Meanwhile, as expected, there were some great photo ops for all with wailing baby Paris Hilton clumping around like a spoiled brat blubbing for, “…mummy, mummy, mummy!”

Paris is a ‘star’ without any discernible talent. She cannot work because she has no talent so she resorts to using cheap publicity tricks to keep the public’s attention.

Back to the 'Simple Life'
Back to the ‘Simple Life’

Paris’ entourage of stylists were sadly left behind in the resulting mêlée

One of her stylists said: “It’s so cruel what has happened to her. She wasn’t allowed to wax or use a moisturiser. Her skin is so dry right now.”

Ms Hilton did not also get a chance this time to attach her hair extensions or apply make-up to her face.

Dry skin nightmare
Dry skin nightmare

This is a great tragedy to Hilton’s worldwide public relations media blitz that has been ongoing for the last few years.

Paris Hilton has inundated all worldwide media with her shallow, banal, brainless narcissism for so long that maybe a few days break will give the rest of the world some time off from her incessant bleating and photo ops.

It seems the errant socialite wants to milk as much publicity as possible before her re-entry into prison.

Yet more publicity photo ops

Media experts are expecting another exit attempt from prison in a few days, then another re-entry immediately after another judge overrules the exit.

The entry, exit and re-entry charade will be ongoing for the next 45 days and will culminate when the right judge gets the right pay-off amount and best publicity.

This is a high-end game of pass the parcel except, these parcels contain clean untraceable notes.

Paris’ Early Jail Release

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In another land mark case rivaling the OJ Simpson verdict, the American ‘Justice’ System was again today revealed to be a lawless money trench where rich celebrities dictate what they do and how much impunity they have.

Paris, 26, who is the pornographic film heir to the Hilton hotel fortune was released early due to large sums of money changing hands within the American legal system sham worldwide laughing stock.

She was greeted at the prison gates by her friends Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson and whisked away to her 4000 sq ft luxury penthouse where she will spend the next 45 days in complete luxury and ‘house-arrest’, waited on by an army of butlers and servants.

The early release was engineered by long standing friend of the Hilton family, Sheriff Lee Oswald, who will no doubt be properly recompensed for his good deed at the exclusive Beverly Hills Golf Club later on in the evening.

The Sheriff cited that Paris was released early because a person of her stature could not survive without her: private masseuse, publicists, manicurists, make-up artists, nutritionists, wardrobe consultants, spiritual advisors, accountants, stockbrokers, blackberry engineer, car mechanics, personal assistants, cocaine dealers, astrologers, tanning salon staff, hairdressers and her beloved poodle Tinkerbell.

This goes to prove the old adage ‘Crime Pays’ but only if you are a celebrity and have loads of dosh..innit?