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LA Surrenders to Beckhams Without Fight

There is horrific news that Los Angeles and subsequently the whole of America was lost yesterday. People were on the streets bemused, silent and lost. How could this happen? There was no fight, there was no defence.

The people of Los Angeles have surrendered without a single shot being fired.

A once great city now reduced to a gaudy cheap trailer park of nouveau riche tackiness.

Last night it emerged they planned their entrance after watching film of Hitler’s triumphant Paris arrival in 1940. A source close to the Beckhams said: “Victoria and David know they’re the biggest thing to hit America since processed cheese.

“They saw footage of Hitler entering Paris then and wanted their entrance to emulate that.”

1940 was the terrible year when Hitler strode into Paris uncontested. The French surrendered without a single shot being fired.

This time, the Americans are the ‘surrender monkeys’ with the Sieg Beckhams taking Los Angeles without a fight.

Several countries around the world successfully resisted the assaults over the years from the crass bling merchants but America after sustained attack was lost. Spain was also lost but was recently liberated after many years of struggle and civil war resulting in the loss of millions of souls to the deadly Beckham advertising machine.

Victoria Beckham who looks like an unsmiling simian poshtitute fascista, wore some very expensive clothes as she saluted her new followers whilst snorting her upturned nose in the LAX airport entrance hall.

The trembling boys voice of David Beckham addressed the crowd with an appreciative tone, he then followed his wife to the bling-mobile which with gold plated door handles and diamond encrusted window switches would make the most gaudy and crass rapper blush.

They were then driven to their LA blingquarters where the command operation will begin in earnest.

Prince Meets World’s Tallest Man and Still Finds Time to Release New Album

 

The tiny star who only stands at 2.4 ft met the tallest man in the world Bao Xishun (7.9 ft) at his Minneapolis complex Paisley Park today.

The extraordinary musical maestro who can play twenty instruments also took the time to release his latest album “Planet Earth”.

Famous for his maverick ways, Prince released his new album utilising the Mail on Sunday as a distribution vehicle.

Record companies which have leached off artists for so long as the middlemen, were left with egg on their face as Sony BMG UK was forced to shelve its own release of the record.

Prince makes the majority of his income from performing shows in his syndicated travel troupe who have toured the world many times.

The purple one wowed crowds at a Minneapolis store on Thursday when he jumped out of a hat which was placed on the table by his bodyguard and sang a rendition of “Raspberry Beret”.

 




The world’s tallest man has now famously met the worlds most musical and he did a cute jig on the table for the expectant crowd wearing a little suit and a bow tie.

Unfortunately, the artist formerly known as TAFKAP seems to have bypassed his funk roots for the very bland generic sounds of RnB on this new album.

The Daily Squib’s music correspondent, Gordon Lightfoot, has given this one a firm thumbs down because it is not only bland but has no sex or danger with only one song having any guitar in it.

Since he has been hanging around with that boring old Jehova’s fart Larry Graham, Prince’s music has lost all its danger and creativity but the ‘lil boy’ sure can jig.


THE SQUIB WILL BE GIVING AWAY 10 FREE TICKETS TO SEE THE PRINCE TRAVELING CIRCUS TROUPE AT A LOCATION NEAR YOU. JUST EMAIL WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE NEW ALBUM TO
[email protected]

US Veterans Celebrate Iraq Tour

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When they are not shooting Iraqi children or brutally beating people to death for fun, US troops like to wind down by watching hardcore pics on the internet in their barracks and laughing at dead Iraqis.

These are the tales as serialised in a comprehensive compilation by TheNation of 50 veterans who have served in Iraq.

The Americans are winning hearts and minds all over the world with their ground-breaking techniques in foreign policy.

The excerpts tell of mindless violence, of treating Iraqis as untermenschen much like their storm trooper predecessors the Nazis, of violating all codes of the Geneva convention, of brainwashed jingoism, of mind-numbing stupidity and of disgraceful cowardice.

 

American WW2 Vets burning flags in disgust at US troops in Iraq July 07

 


Sgt Dougherty described her squad leader shooting an Iraqi civilian in the back in 2003. “The mentality of my squad leader was like, ‘Oh, we have to kill them over here so I don’t have to kill them back in Colorado’,” she said. “He just seemed to view every Iraqi as a potential terrorist.”


‘It would always happen. We always got the wrong house…’

“People would make jokes about it, even before we’d go into a raid, like, ‘Oh f
*ck, we’re gonna get the wrong house’. Cause it would always happen. We always got the wrong house.”

Sergeant Jesus Bocanegra, 25, of Weslaco, Texas 4th Infantry Division. In Tikrit on year-long tour that began in March 2003

“I had to go tell this woman that her husband was actually dead. We gave her money, we gave her, like, 10 crates of water, we gave the kids, I remember, maybe it was soccer balls and toys. We just didn’t really know what else to do.”

Lieutenant Jonathan Morgenstein, 35, of Arlington, Virginia, Marine Corps civil affairs unit. In Ramadi from August 2004 to March 2005

“We were approaching this one house… and we’re approaching, and they had a family dog. And it was barking ferociously, cause it’s doing its job. And my squad leader, just out of nowhere, just shoots it… So I see this dog – I’m a huge animal lover… this dog has, like, these eyes on it and he’s running around spraying blood all over the place. And like, you know, what the hell is going on? The family is sitting right there, with three little children and a mom and a dad, horrified. And I’m at a loss for words.”

Specialist Philip Chrystal, 23, of Reno, 3rd Battalion, 116th Cavalry Brigade. In Kirkuk and Hawija on 11-month tour beginning November 2004

“I open a bag and I’m trying to get bandages out and the guys in the guard tower are yelling at me, ‘Get that f
*ck haji out of here,’… our doctor rolls up in an ambulance and from 30 to 40 meters away looks out and says, shakes his head and says, ‘You know, he looks fine, he’s gonna be all right,’ and walks back… kind of like, ‘Get your ass over here and drive me back up to the clinic’. So I’m standing there, and the whole time both this doctor and the guards are yelling at me, you know, to get rid of this guy.”

Specialist Patrick Resta, 29, from Philadelphia, 252nd Armour, 1st Infantry Division. In Jalula for nine months beginning March 2004

‘Every person opened fire on this kid, using the biggest weapons we could find…’

“Here’s some guy, some 14-year-old kid with an AK47, decides he’s going to start shooting at this convoy. It was the most obscene thing you’ve ever seen. Every person got out and opened fire on this kid. Using the biggest weapons we could find, we ripped him to shreds…”

Sergeant Patrick Campbell, 29, of Camarillo, California, 256th Infantry Brigade. In Abu Gharth for 11 months beginning November 2004

“Cover your own butt was the first rule of engagement. Someone could look at me the wrong way and I could claim my safety was in threat.”

Lieutenant Brady Van Engelen, 26, of Washington DC, 1st Armoured Division. Eight-month tour of Baghdad beginning Sept 2003

“I guess while I was there, the general attitude was, ‘A dead Iraqi is just another dead Iraqi… You know, so what?’… [Only when we got home] in… meeting other veterans, it seems like the guilt really takes place, takes root, then.”

Specialist Jeff Englehart, 26, of Grand Junction, Colorado, 3rd Brigade, 1st Infantry. In Baquba for a year beginning February 2004

“[The photo] was very graphic… They open the body bags of these prisoners that were shot in the head and [one soldier has] got a spoon. He’s reaching in to scoop out some of his brain, looking at the camera and smiling.”

Specialist Aidan Delgado, 25, of Sarasota, Florida, 320th Military Police Company. Deployed to Talil air base for one year beginning April 2003

“The car was approaching what was in my opinion a very poorly marked checkpoint… and probably didn’t even see the soldiers… The guys got spooked and decided it was a possible threat, so they shot up the car. And they [the bodies] literally sat in the car for the next three days while we drove by them.

Sergeant Dustin Flatt, 33, of Denver, 18th Infantry Brigade, 1st Infantry Division. One-year from February 2004

“The frustration that resulted from our inability to get back at those who were attacking us led to tactics that seemed designed simply to punish the local population…”

Sergeant Camilo Mejía, 31, from Miami, National Guardsman, 1-124 Infantry Battalion, 53rd Infantry Brigade. Six-month tour beginning April 2003

“I just remember thinking, ‘I just brought terror to someone under the American flag’.”

Sergeant Timothy John Westphal, 31, of Denver, 18th Infantry Brigade, 1st Infantry Division. In Tikrit on year-long tour beginning February 2004

“A lot of guys really supported that whole concept that if they don’t speak English and they have darker skin, they’re not as human as us, so we can do what we want.”

Specialist Josh Middleton, 23, of New York City, 2nd Battalion, 82nd Airborne Division. Four-month tour in Baghdad and Mosul beginning December 2004

“I felt like there was this enormous reduction in my compassion for people. The only thing that wound up mattering is myself and the guys that I was with, and everybody else be damned.”

Sergeant Ben Flanders, 28, National Guardsman from Concord, New Hampshire, 172nd Mountain Infantry. In Balad for 11 months beginning March 2004


The Other War: Iraq Vets Bear Witness, by Chris Hedges and Laila al-Arian, appears in the 30 July issue of The Nation

 

Bush Ratings at All-Time High 29%

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The people’s President George W Bush’s “approval rating” has risen to an all-time high of 29% in the USA TODAY/Gallup Poll, USA TODAY Washington bureau chief Susanna Pager reports.

George W Bush has never had such a high approval rating and his many achievements have recently sealed a massive victory in US public confidence.The success in Iraq and Afghanistan with the continuing introduction of Democracy to these Islamic places have proved that he was right all along.

“We have introduced Democracy to these countries. Now some of their peoples can read and writes Englishes and spell gramaticalized. These peoples are the new peoples who are democritisized peoples.” The President stated from his Texas Ranch on holiday.


The President however, neglected to explain that he had brought ‘Democracy’ to these people on the end of a gun barrel and with high explosives and very expensive missiles.
Last year’s Gallup poll showed the President’s approval rating at a high of 14% so the increase this year is a sure sign of things improving in Iraq.


The President has a target which he pledged at the beginning of the oil acquisition; he pledged that 500,000 Iraqi civilians would die in the war in Iraq. The President made a famous $1.00 bet with Dick Cheney that he would reach this target before 2008.

Since Tuesday the 500,000 Iraq death mark has been surpassed and now stands at 650,000 Iraqi deaths. Looks like the President won the bet and Cheney will now have to hand over the dollar bet.

This remarkable score has ensured a spike in approval for the War President.

Bill O’Reilly who is a chief champion of the President proudly announced on the Fox News Network “The O’Reilly Factor” that President Bush has killed more humans than any President in Vietnam where Americans only managed to murder 500,000 Vietnamese people, “Our great President the supreme commander of forces has murdered over 500,000 muslims..hell..that’s better than Nixon and the commies in Nam dammit!”

Bush’s support is increasing among Republicans: 98% approve of
him, up from an average 84% in his first term, 92% in his second.
Nearly 8 in 10 Republicans say the success in Iraq is a continuing factor in their unhindered support.

• Bush now has had the lowest approval rating in Gallup’s
history but the highest in his awful tenure — 12% in the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks and now 29% with the Iraqi success factor.

 

Pollster.com, writing before the approval number was released, was
just about dead right about what it would be: “We should expect Gallup
to fall between 29% and 31%, given current trends and Gallup’s typical
house effect,” Charles Franklin wrote at the site yesterday. The “trend” in polling puts the president’s approval rating at 27.9% if you look at a cross-section of surveys, he says.

Meanwhile, The New York Times’ Caucus blog says recent polls suggest that Vice President Cheney ” has replaced Dan Quayle as the most popular vice president in recent history.”

The War on Terror is still a long time ending, a perpetual war which is used to bring in fascism in the name of ‘democracy’.

“We need to keep the American people in constant fear of attack so that we can win another term,” says a chief Republican fundraiser from his pulpit.

Let the competition for President begin..as one great President leaves on the hooves of American victory in Iraq/Afghanistan another shall surely follow..but the question is, who can follow in such a great mans footsteps again?

 

 

Artists Hold Benefit Concert for Themselves

“I’m sick of all the hypocrisy, we have always been in it for ourselves, and we all know it,” says an ashamed pop star who wants to remain anonymous for now.

The truth is, benefits concerts like “Live8 – Make Poverty History” and “Live Earth” are simply vehicles for record companies and artists to sell more records and stroke their already huge egos even further.

“No one in their right mind would even think that a stupid pledge like ‘Make Poverty History’ will actually do anything to anyone apart from the self-serving artist on stage,” says one of the architects of the artists worldwide concerts “These are all tools we use to revive dead artists as well as increase sales for live artists too.”

“After Live8 we gained new fans and our record sales increased by 75%, now that is fucking incredible, we sure made poverty history there because we were desperate since our 80s stardom, I was close to bankruptcy and the royalties had all gone up my nose in the 90s,” exclaimed a bleary-eyed Simon Le Ponce.

HAVE YOUR SAY
I did my bit by turning off my TV for 24 hours. I did not use any transport on the day to go to any silly concert either.
Ronson Corns, Sidcup

 

 

 

 

 

“The ‘Benefit The Corporate Artists’ concert is going to benefit me because I would like some more money,” Joss Stone says from her Malibu mansion.

This time, the new pledge will not be some false and preposterous impossibility engineered by marketeers to increase sales off the misery of the less fortunate but will be a blatant pledge to give to the egos and bank balances of all the people involved.

These corporate artists who will gather together for the worldwide concerts are for the first time in their sordid careers being true to themselves, some have had to have extensive psychiatric help to deal with this issue.

“Not one penny or cent is going to charity this time, before we gave 14% to charity with pledge concerts but now 100% goes to the artists involved.” says one of the accountants in the team jubilantly.

No doubt this concert will pull in the crowds, the many corporate artists who have signed up are all in line to make a financial killing.

The concerts will be held in New York, São Paulo, Paris, Shanghai, Los Angeles, London, Milan, Sydney, Tokyo, Madrid and Stockholm.

Preparations are underway for the worldwide concerts and after yesterday’s grand finale at ‘Live Earth’ where Al Gore actually lifted off the stage and was propelled by hot air into the atmosphere, organisers for the ‘Benefit The Corporate Artists’ concert are brainstorming on what they can do to top that.

Watch this space for forthcoming dates and final line-up for the “Benefit The Corporate Artists” worldwide extravaganza.

Sponsors “Benefit The Corporate Artists” concert have already arranged for a massive fireworks extravaganza and light show that would rival any new years party.

The pledge that will be touted this time is a blatant “You Give – We Take”

Spread the word people, at least they are being honest this time.

Discovery Bigger Than Octosquid Pulled from Ocean

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The groundbreaking discovery was made off Yoshie Reef near Semporna Beach in Borneo.

Scientists were diving in the Reef area when they managed to take a photograph of the creature.

Chief Scientist Dr David Warner was about to abandon his dive when he saw the creature, “We were in the area and damn pissed off that we had not found our own Octosquid creature. We’ve been here for 3 years and all we get are regular tropical fish, no giant squids, no octopus’ and certainly no octosquids. Then out of the blue I saw this thing come at me then flit off like a bullet. I nearly swallowed my breathing apparatus. As you can see from the picture it is a mermaid creature and humanoid with a fish tail.”

The Scientists are now whooping with delight that their expedition has finally come up with a new discovery.

The Californian Institute of Marine Biology was about to abandon the doctors research grant within six months but now he is certainly going to keep the funding.

And now what the world has all been waiting for; the unveiling for the first time in any publication and exclusively only on the Daily Squib.


The creature appeared out of nowhere then swam off at high speed

The scientists still have to name the new creature and have exclusively asked our readers to submit names for it.Please forward your name suggestions to [email protected].

The winner will be given a full expenses paid trip to Borneo to carry on the search with the expedition for this wonderful and fascinating discovery.

Live Earth Celebrities’ Carbon Footprint Huge

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Live Earth will stage official concerts at Giants Stadium in New York, Wembley Stadium in London, Aussie Stadium in Sydney, Maropeng at the Cradle of Humankind in Johannesburg,

Makuhari Messe in Tokyo, the Steps of the Oriental Pearl Tower in Shanghai, and HSH Nordbank Arena in Hamburg.

The Live Earth event online is sponsored by Chevy which produces 5 miles per gallon trucks, SUV’s and other gas guzzlers.

Madonna who will be the main attraction at the London concert herself owns a collection of fuel-guzzling cars, including a Mercedes Maybach, two Range Rovers, Audi A8s and a Mini Cooper S.

She flies everywhere in her private jets and her Confessions tour produced 440 tonnes of CO2 in four months of last year. That was just the flights between the countries, not taking into account the truckloads of equipment needed, the power to stage such a show and the transport of all the thousands of fans getting to the gigs.

The Carbon footprint for the whole Live Earth event is estimated at 7,000 tonnes of CO2 emissions. This does not include the private jets of all the celebrities who will be attending, or the thousands of people who will drive in their cars to each concert.

An average British person produces ten tonnes of CO2 emissions per annum.

 




The Red Hot Chilli Peppers who will be attending the London concert,
produced 220 tonnes of CO2 with their private jet alone over six months on their last world tour which was 42 dates.

The estimated rubbish waste created by all the Live Earth concerts worldwide is estimated at just under 10,000 tonnes and this is not including the noise pollution that will emanate from the celebrities themselves.

All this hypocrisy just so that a few corporate celebrities can stoke up more album sales and stroke their egos even further boggles the mind.

There is however some good news for those who are forced to sit through the celebrity ego festival – The Arctic Monkeys are boycotting the event because they are not getting centre stage billing. So at least your misery will not be truly unbearable.

Spice Girls Really Wanna Zimmer Zimmer ah!

Fresh from the bingo hall the Spice Girls now come resplendent with a full set of bingo wings to match.

They will soon embark on a world tour because they need money, well, Posh Spice who is the bones behind Beckham does not but the rest do.

“I need a new washer and dryer,” Sporty Spice says as she bemoans her last washer chewing up her tracksuit bottoms and other chav gear.

“I need a new Stenna stairlift for my mansion,” says Ginger Geri-atric Spice.

“I need a new personality because I never had one anyway,” squeaks Baby Spice Bunton with a vacant look. A tall order if we ever heard and one that money can never rectify.

“I need a new man,” says Scary Spice as she looks through a paternity dossier from her lawyers.

“I don’t need anyfing because my David gives me anyfing I want innit,” says Posh Spice pouting like a simian sour lemon.

 

pic used with kind permission Great Architect

 

 

The Spice Girls will all rake in 10 million pounds each for the worldwide tour.

This is not a bad proposition seeing as they do not have to sing one note throughout the 20 date tour.

The Spice Girls who have no talent or musical ability whatsoever have been busy in the studio putting down tracks so that they can mime to all the songs on stage.

“We have them sing in the studio, well, they can’t sing per se, they just grunt and besides it is so off key anyway,” one of the engineers says “…but after we digitally assist their atrocious voices we have them sounding like angels, and hey presto!”

The Antares technology used can alter anyones voice to sing in correct pitch in real time and in the studio.

The Zimmer frame Girls are currently having a refresher course about the art of miming from their first days of fame with a professional mime coach, Ashlee Simpson, who has been recruited for the extensive tour.

“It’s been many years since we been on stage miming so we got all our ‘zimmer zimmer ah’ dance moves together too innit!” says Posh Spice from her Aston Martin Vantage.

The group said the shows would be in Los Angeles on Dec. 12; Las
Vegas on Dec. 13; New York on Dec. 14; London on Dec. 18; Cologne,
Germany, on Dec. 23; Madrid, Spain, on Dec. 24; Beijing on Jan. 12;
Hong Kong on Jan. 14; Sydney, Australia, on Jan. 19; Cape Town,
South Africa, on Jan. 26; and Buenos Aires, Argentina on Jan.
29.

Wishing the Girl Power team a great cashing in season from the Squib office.

More Fear Needed

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Cabinet Ministers were making plans to introduce more fear into the British public today at an emergency meeting with Gordon Brown.

“We need more fear, 911 was not enough and neither was 7/7. The recent bombing attempt in London and Glasgow was not enough. We keep raising interest rates so people have to pay 49% more on their mortgages, we film them every day and fine them for driving, we have increased taxes on fuel and trebled the price of all groceries!! On June 1st of this year we banned smoking in all public areas and still the people are not at the required fear levels!” a visibly distraught cabinet member exclaimed.

Auferre trucidare rapere falsis nominis imperium, atque ubi solitudinem faciunt pacem appellant.

Another Minister chimed in adding, “The answer is more war. The perpetual War on Terror that the Americans have created is not enough to sow the seeds of extreme terror amongst the public. Real fear comes from taking away their hard earned cash. We are engineering new ways every day of fleecing the cash cow public of more of their money.”

 


ID Cards and more fingerprinting will be introduced because the element of fear will have the British people agreeing to anything when the terror alerts increase even more.

“Microchipping the population and tracking all vehicles in the UK with chips is the way forward and will be implemented soon to the people, they will of course agree.” said another Minister with spittle flying across the room.

The course is set then, the gentle tip toe towards Totalitarianism is progressing as planned many years ago. There will be a drip feed of terror for a long time to come.

 



Famous Fearful Quotes by Politicians

“Of course the people don’t want war. But after all, it’s the leaders
of the country who determine the policy, and it’s always a simple
matter to drag the people along whether it’s a democracy, a fascist
dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no
voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders.
That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked,
and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the
country to greater danger.” –
US Vice President Dick Cheney 2002

“I did not think that the common people are very thankful for
leaders who bring them war and destruction and this should be punished severely.” – Former Prime Minister Tony Blair 2003

• “
Our enemies are innovative and
resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to
harm our country and our
people, and neither do we.” –
US President George W. Bush 2004

Stabbings Down From June

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A new Police initiative set to start in July will actively involve the Police forces in mainland Britain attempting to fight crime.
Resources which have been put into stopping motorists speeding and littering as well as fining petty crimes will be reassigned to serious crimes like fatal stabbings and violent crime by youth gangs.

This is the first time since 1997 that the Police will not devote their time to paperwork and traffic fines. The revenue that the Police forces have now raised through the network of 3 million Gatso Speeding cameras is topping 15 Billion pounds and has ensured generous overtime payments for officers in all departments as well as increased benefits in pension plans for all officers.

Last year alone the Met paid out 150 days paid leave for each officer in England and Wales alone, this was a reduction in payments for the year before and Met Police Chief Blair wants to reduce the numbers further.

 

Facts and figures



 

  • The Youth Survey 2007 is being carried out by Vargas for
    the Youth Justice Board between January and July 2007. VARGAS surveyed
    45,963 11-16 year olds in mainstream education and 58,621 young people
    excluded from school and attending a special project.

 

 

  • The Nature of Robbery Report findings were based primarily
    on data from over 200,000 crime reports and witness statements across
    seven police force areas in England and Wales at varying times between
    January and July 2007.

 

  • The British Crime Survey 2007 figures are based on
    interviews with 365, 844 adults living in private households in England
    and Wales carried out by BMRG Social Research between January2006 and June 2007.