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Chinese Olympic Swimming Event Under Fire

Billy Jean
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Chinese Olympic Swimming Event Under Fire

The capacity for the Beijing Olympic pool may have to be increased from 300,000 to 575,000 athletes to accomodate the Chinese swimming contingent .

This increase in capacity has not however taken into account teams from the rest of the world attending and may be upped by a further 12,000.

Olympic diving teams will also have more room to manouvre.

“It’s not easy diving into a pool from 30 feet up with 45,000 people already in the water,” exclaimed Xiao Xing Xang Xong, who is the great medal hope for the Chinese diving team.

Last week three Olympic divers were severely injured when they dived into the pool and hit other swimmers. Thankfully there have only been five deaths in the last month, and the sheer number of swimmers compensates for any inevitable losses.

“Have you ever been in a pool where the urine slick from 60,000 swimmers goes up your nose or in your mouth? I have and it ain’t pretty,” American three time gold medallist Brad Rebo who was attempting to train at the Olympic facility yesterday told the Daily Squib.


The Chinese Olympic swimming team trains for the coming event in August

 

Yesterday in Beijings thick atmosphere full of heavy lead particles and phosphates, there was a mild show of discontent from some of the Chinese athletes on the

The Beijing Olympic marathon and cycling route has also come under fire for the narrowness of the highway

issue of overcrowding but the protest was nipped in the bud with the savage beating and imprisonment of the protestors from the assembled Chinese Olympics police force.

There have also been concerns over the chemical content of the Chinese Olympic pools.

A swimmer who tested one of the Olympic pools yesterday had to be hospitalised after dipping his toe in the water only to see it dissolve into nothingness in front of everyone. The distraught swimmer was stretchered off and may have to miss the Olympics all together.

Testing has now begun to resolve the chemical content of all the pools, obviously the chemicals will not be tolerated by other nations participating in the games and Chinese party leaders are racing to decrease the chemical pollution of all of its water supplies to the pools.

“If swimmers from other nations perish in the toxic waters it will not look good for our nation,” a Chinese Oympics official told the Daily Squib.

Most water supplies in China are contaminated with raw sewage so there is no choice but to have huge amounts of toxic chemicals in the water which of course increase pollution levels further.

The 29th Olympiad that is coming up this August in Beijing will be a major test for many athletes because of the adverse polluted conditions they will have to deal with.

The marathon and cycling routes have also come under fire for not being wide enough.

Gert Blatters from the Olympic Standards Board had some reassuring words to say in the Olympic village: “There is nothing to worry about. Everything is under control.”

Mr Blatters has since been taken ill with severe toxic poisoning after drinking some bottled water at the news conference.

US Marine Wins Annual Iraqi Puppy Toss Contest

Billy Jean
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42
US Marine Wins Annual Iraqi Puppy Toss Contest

The 5th Iraqi Puppy Toss Contest was held this year in Samarra, an Iraqi religious hotspot about 124 km north of Baghdad. The event was a huge success for the American troops attending.

“This is how we keep our men’s morale up. It’s a hard job killing and shooting innocent civilians every day. This way the men get to unwind for a few hours by hurling little defenceless puppies over cliffs instead of defenceless Iraqi civilians,” Major Christian Portman told the Daily Squib.

The occupying US soldiers are notorious in Iraq for treating Iraqis like sub-human Untermenschen and it is no surprise that they do not treat defenceless animals any better.

George W Bush and his paymaster industrialists are also responsible for the largest displacement of peoples in the Middle East in a thousand years, the deaths of millions of Iraqi civilians and the largest spread of depleted uranium in recorded history.

 

 

The Puppy Toss competition began at midday. Under the beating Iraqi sun a troop of Marines and assorted army personnel descended to the edge of the cliff where the competition was to be held.

Private Meat Johnsons is up first and tosses a whimpering little white puppy into the ravine. He manages a 40 yard throw and is top of the leaderboard.

Next, Sergeant Pat McGraw steps up and tosses a little Labrador all of 30 yards into the deep ravine. He is behind the leader now.

It is now the turn of Lance Corporal David Motari who tosses with confidence a little puppy called Sonny 50 yards to win the prize.

The black-and-white puppy makes a yelping sound as it flies through the air towards its certain demise.

The audience of assembled marines lap up the show and pat the triumphant Lance Corporal on the back dubbing him a credit to the USMC.

Dick Cheney, who regularly tosses puppies in the air on shooting trips, addressed the competition winners from a satellite broadcast later on in the day:

“The United States is proud of you guys for your bravery and courage. It takes a lot to do all the things you guys do while we profit off misery and pain,” said the former chief executive of Halliburton, who still has not exercised his massive stock options. He then lit a huge cigar and started laughing maniacally.

The winner of the US Marine competition was awarded a puppy-shaped trophy and given $250 as prize money so he can buy some more hookers when he gets back to base.

White Killer Whale Spotted

Billy Jean
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0
White Killer Whale Spotted

“This is an amazing find, the creature is very old and a slow mover so we had no problem photographing it,” said Samantha Flowers, a research biologist with the National Skull and Bones Laboratory in Harvard who photographed the rarity. “It was quite neat to find it. The killer whale may have been old but it still had an aggressive streak in it and took a chunk out of our keel.”

The whale was spotted last month while scientists aboard the Herbert Walker—a Gas Oil Petroleum (GOP) research ship—were conducting an acoustic survey of deep sea oil fields, near Steller sea lion haul-out sites.

“This is the first time we came across a white killer whale,” agreed Al Gore, a research biologist at GOP’s Alaska Plutocracy Center in Seattle.

Flowers said the slow old white whale stood out.

“When you first looked at it, it was very white,” she said Thursday.

While the whale’s combover area was white, other parts of its body had a subtle off-white greyish colour, suggesting it was very old, maybe 70 years old, Gore said.

The whale was spotted about two miles (three kilometers) off Kanaga Volcano where it is reputed there is a tap dancing chimp on the loose.

It appeared to be a very old, adult male about 25 to 30 feet (7 to 9 meters) long and weighing as much as 10,000 pounds (4,500 kilograms).

Tesco to Open Tesco Store in Tesco Store

Billy Jean
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1
Tesco to Open Tesco Store in Tesco Store

Luddington High Street already has three Tesco stores and a further Tesco mini store in a petrol station. With a town’s population of 300 people, Luddington has its fair share of Tesco.

Now, Tesco management have announced the opening of a further Tesco store inside one of the existing Tesco stores.

Every Little Helps

“We needed another Tesco store here so we can get more Tesco value products. It’s going to bring more jobs to the area as well, innit? Eighty percent of the town works for Tesco and now this should up it to ninety eight percent,” Sue MacGregor, 58, a resident of Luddington in Scunthorpe told the Daily Squib from her checkout desk on Thursday.

Tesco Value

Tesco now has so many stores open in Britain that there may not be room for more stores. This has brought panic to the board of directors.

Some towns and cities are even toying with changing their names to Tesco Town or Tesco Village.

Tesco now sells everything that anyone can think of and are now even branching out to selling cut price funerals and cremations. Customers will soon be able to shop in a Tesco store and purchase a cremation in the ovens by the end of their shopping trip. Cremation ovens and chimneys will be located in the rear of all Tesco stores next to the delicatessen.

Onwards and Upwards

Managing Director Sir Terry Leahy spoke to the Daily Squib from his Hertfordshire mansion: “Our long term expansion vision is to open Tesco stores within all existing Tesco stores by 2009. After this we will expand upwards by opening more levels of Tesco stores until each Tesco store has more than thirty or forty Tesco mini stores within every Tesco store. We are committed to bringing diversity to our customers and the UK population, and are always looking to expand our product lines. By next year we are even establishing a Tesco funeral service where customers can look forward to Tesco Value Budget funerals costing only £12.99 including the casket and wreath. Our dedication to our customers is unrivalled within the business and now we are with every customer from birth to death.”

In the UK mainland, where there are over 15 million Tesco stores, this further expansion will indeed increase profits for Tesco shareholders and is sure to bring massive windfalls.

Under its tough but respected chief executive, Sir Terry
Leahy, Tesco is thought to account for five in every eight pounds spent
in Britain’s shops, while it has been expanding abroad rapidly.

Obama Fights Back by Releasing Hillary Photo

Billy Jean
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Obama Fights Back by Releasing Hillary Photo

After being smeared by the Clinton’s release of a photo showing a turban headed Obama, white American voters have deserted the Obama vote in droves.

Obama’s campaigners are now fighting back by releasing an old photo of Hillary from the 1970’s.

The photo was taken in a Berkeley California nudist camp early in 1973 when Hillary and Bill had just started to live together during their time at law school.

How the Obama camp came across the picture is a mystery, however this photograph is probably one of many in a series.

“This is truly an incredible find from the Obama team. We have heard that they even have footage of the couple playing ping pong naked in the nudist camp,” a member of the McCain campaign team told the Daily Squib last night.

Hillary is shown in a typical ‘hippy chick’ pose with dark brown hair and a generous smattering of hair under her armpits as was customary in those far flung days. She even has a small tattoo on her chest with some sort of symbol.

“With the release of the topless photos of Hillary, the Barack Obama crew are hoping to destabilise the Clinton confidence. This may however backfire because the pictures show that Hillary is all woman and has a nice pair of jugs and a hot sassy body. Hell i’d even do her but i’d get her to shave first and would have to bag her,”  exclaimed political talkshow host Ed “Blitzer” Wurst on his show for Columbus Ohio station WVZX.

The election primaries are heating up for the Democrats and Hillary Clinton is so confident of a win that the Clinton camp celebrated as if they had won the entire contest last night.

Confetti rained down on Mrs Clinton as she told supporters: “We’re going strong and we’re going all the way.”

Pete Doherty Revealed to be a Fraud

Billy Jean
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3
Pete Doherty Revealed to be a Fraud

Daily Squib Newspaper EXCLUSIVE

The real truth about Pete Doherty and how he has fooled the media and his group of fans for so long.

On the outside Pete Doherty appears to be a crusty, smelly, drug-addled, talentless whiner with horrible teeth and greasy hair matted with oil and dandruff.

With skin blemished with scars, acne, bruises from falling down and nostrils dotted with white specks of cocaine, Pete Doherty looks like a right royal mess. His arms are pockmarked with needle marks and his pallid flesh resembles an old man’s torso lying atop a cold hard mortuary slab.

petedoherty

By looking at Pete Doherty’s druggy image the public would not be wrong in thinking that he only has two or three years left to live. This is where you are all wrong!

The Truth Revealed

For the past few years Peter Doherty has taken to donning a walloping amount of makeup each morning before he ventures from his so-called ‘drug den’.

Makeup artist June Rimbaud has revealed that her job was to make Doherty look like a dishevelled junkie so that he could sell even more of his atrocious albums.

 
June honed her makeup skills working under the tutelage of the legendary SFX genius Tom Savini

 

“They told me to do it. I was paid well for it and could not turn it down. Their assumption was that if people thought he didn’t have much longer to live because of his errant junkie ways they would be more likely to buy his awful music. It’s worked so well that Amy Winehouse’s manager just called me up the other day and asked me if I could paint some mysterious looking bruises on his client’s face. So far it’s worked like a charm and the tabloids have jumped all over Amy’s swollen and bruised features.”

Looks like the PR people were right. Without Doherty’s druggie image he would probably not be able to shift many of his whinging albums off store shelves.

To date, using the Doherty drug image, he has sold roughly 60,000 albums over a period of five years which is considerably more than he would have done with a clean image.

Macrobiotic diet

Pete Doherty has been revealed to be a clean-living vegan who spends 3 hours exercising every day and is a staunch teetotal anti-drug practitioner.

His daily regimen involves getting up everyday at 4.30 am and jogging for five miles. He then heads to his home gym for a further gruelling hour of hard exercise. His nutritionist is usually at his house by 5.30 where they discuss in detail his daily meal plan so that his private chef can prepare the fresh ingredients for his macrobiotic diet in time.

The makeup artist comes to his house at 6.00 am where Doherty undergoes a lengthy makeup session that lasts four hours and includes the use of Hollywood style prosthetic technology.

Pete Doherty’s druggy look is so realistic that he has even fooled his parents and close friends.

The clothes that Pete wears for his daily music appearances are carefully soaked in urine and fresh faeces, usually acquired from the local betting shop toilets.

Pete Doherty has been revealed to be a total fraud and his fans will now be furious with his deception.

“I ain’t buyin’ ‘is fuc*ing music anymore. He’s clean is ‘e? We’ve been cheated!” a disgruntled ex-fan told us yesterday.

The game is over Pete Doherty. You have finally been rumbled.

Councils to Introduce Walking Tripod CCTV Cameras

Billy Jean
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1
Councils to Introduce Walking Tripod CCTV Cameras

Tower Hamlets Councillor Dave Howitt has hailed the new CCTV Tripod scheme as a “jump into the future.”

“These Mobile Monitors will be able to move anywhere independent of all obstacles or pedestrians. They will be operated by our control centres in Coventry and Wolverhampton. A truly cost effective and efficient way of monitoring people.”

The mobile CCTV tripods have been developed by a UK company called 1984 and will be rolled out cheaply to councils across Britain within the next year.

“This is the next stage in our Labour manifesto. We already have the largest number of static CCTV cameras per citizen in the world. Britain is the most surveilled country in the world and even during the Soviet era of Russia and Stalin’s day they did not have as much surveillance as we have now,” a proud official for the council told us.

There are still some areas of Britain that cannot be surveilled and these new mobile CCTV units will fill the gap that the 45 million static cameras cannot.

The Mobile Surveillance units will be able to telescopically increase their height by 40 feet as well as reduce their height to 3 feet. Fitted with hi spec camera lenses, they can zoom into an area from half a mile away. The units will also be fitted with a tannoy address system to speak to citizens.

The mobile surveillance units are run on state of the art fuel cells and need only to be charged once a year.

 

 

“If you drop a piece of litter, the cameras can detect this from half a mile away and will radio for help so that the relevant Stasi official can issue a fixed penalty notice onto the miscreant,” Councillor Dave Howitt added gleefully.

Labour also plans to increase monitoring of people in their homes by 2010 with an increase in home CCTV and bugging surveillance.

A draft white paper has already been proposed in Parliament to increase funding to the Home Surveillance Branch which was set up by Prime Minister Gordon Brown last year.

The cost to the taxpayer for the mobile units is negligible and a recent government operated MORI poll showed that 99% of the British population approved of the increased surveillance on themselves.

“I’m like all other English people. When the Labour Government asks me to bend over and take it, I do. We’re now the most downtrodden, overtaxed, surveilled people in the world and it makes you proud to be British, dunnit?” Joe Burke, 43, who is a resident of Tower Hamlets, told the Daily Squib.

Unelected leader Gordon Brown, who was recently on a trip to China, wowed the Chinese PM with tales of how he has acheived the massive Draconion shut-down of all privacy in the UK.

Communist China still has a long way to go until they get to the British level.

Bill Clinton Portrait Sells at Sotheby’s

Billy Jean
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0
Bill Clinton Portrait Sells at Sotheby’s

The portrait of Bill Clinton painted by celebrated French artist André Gille Rais is called fumer le cigare and was snapped up for a mere $2.3 million by an anonymous phone bidder.

The collection belongs to the Clintons and has been put up for auction so that Hillary can raise more funds for her ailing campaign. She will certainly be glad to be rid of the portrait once and for all.

“We need all the help we can get for Hillary’s campaign; every penny counts,” a desperate looking Hillary Clinton supporter told the Daily Squib.

Last week Barack Obama raised $50 million whilst Hillary raised a paltry $238.65.

Tobias Mayo, the evening’s auctioneer and director of Sotheby’s contemporary art department, said there had been “high-quality hunger from a global audience hungry for US election memorobilia.”

Michael Kohner, a Los Angeles art dealer, said he bid for “purely aesthetic” reasons and hadn’t realised the portrait was of Bill Clinton about to be fellated until after he started bidding.

“That’s when I quit bidding and I had to leave the room because of my nervous twitch. I took some of my medication and then returned.” It certainly is not a good idea to attend an auction with a nervous twitch.

Other items that went under the hammer were a blue dress with a large white stain on it, a box of cigars and a White House memo request for a saucy brunette intern who can suck a golf ball through a hose.

Drudge Report Puts Prince Harry in Afghan Warzone Danger

Billy Jean
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2
Drudge Report Puts Prince Harry in Afghan Warzone Danger


**World Exclusive**

Bungling American sensationalists the Drudge Report have put Prince Harry’s life in danger by revealing that the Prince has been in Afghanistan for the past three months.

The Ministry of Defence was left reeling today by the blatant disregard for the safety of the heroic Prince.

The Prince, a junior officer in the Blues and Royals and third in line to the throne, has been a “magnificent soldier” and an “inspiration to all of Britain,” an MOD spokesman said.

The Drudge Report reveals that the Prince has been holed up in a concrete bunker for three months deep within the bowels of a heavily guarded fortress somewhere in Helmand Province.

Harry is surrounded by his own personal regiment of combat hardy Ghurkas guarding him at all times as well as a regiment of SAS soldiers.

‘Harry the Hero’

Prince Harry has spent the time playing video games on a surveillance system the army dubs ‘Kill TV’.

“The brave Prince is very proficient at the game which involves pinpointing anything that moves on a surveillance drone and calling in an F-16 attack to blow up the target,” reveals Commander James Butterworth.

He has in the last month alone blown up 43 goat herders, a troupe of travelling prosthetic limb salesmen and some endangered peregrine falcons.

Last week the Prince, who was allowed out of the heavily fortified compound for a few hours on a reconnaissance photoshoot, played the part of a brave soldier very well and posed with his gun in the dusty compounds courtyard.

Yesterday a spokesman for Clarence House said: “This is utterly irresponsible behaviour from the American media. It is not good news to hear that Prince Harry will now be in danger in a warzone.”

Prince Harry’s dad is very proud of his son and also comes from an illustrious military heritage. Major James Hewitt was however not available for comment because he had drunk one too many the night before in some Gloucestershire dive.

Prince Harry is a long way away from Boujis and Amika and because of this security breech he may well be reunited with a jug of vodka sooner than he thinks. Huzzah!

Developing…

Michael Jackson Writes Book to Save Neverland

Billy Jean
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2
Michael Jackson Writes Book to Save Neverland

What with dangling babies from hotel rooms and his penchant for pyjama parties with pre-pubescent young boys, you may not think that Michael Jackson is one for writing a book about the art of rearing children. But with the help of a Saudi Prince he has just been published and can now pay off some of his debts.

Michael Jackson’s new book: “The In’s and Out’s of Child Rearing” will be released on March the 3rd.

Neverland Saved

The multi-million dollar advance he will receive from his Saudi backers will hopefully be able to save his beloved Neverland ranch from the creditors.

Prince Al-Waleed Bin Abdul Sultan Bandar III also has good faith that the $25 million advance he has given to Michael Jackson will reap good profits from worldwide sales of Jackson’s new book. The Saudi Prince sympathises with Jackson’s plight and has even let the pop star stay near his camel racing stables in Jeddah where the stable boys and youthful jockeys fawn over the star.

 

The new book will reveal to the world how Michael likes to rear children and how he uses a hands-on approach. Jackson also reveals the first words his child said to him: “Which one’s mummy?” and then “Aaaaaargh!”

Even though Jackson refinanced his $300 million loan from Fortress Investments with help from Sony Music, HSBC and Barclays Bank, his Neverland ranch was not part of the deal and was still under threat.

For Jackson, the fear of losing the ranch that brought him such wonderful memories was a source of great anguish.

Memories like when he blew his first nose and the time he got so drunk on Jesus Juice he ended up staying Home Alone with Macaulay Culkin.

“The In’s and Out’s of Child Rearing” by Michael Jackson will be available through Al Saud Publishing on 3rd March.

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