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Paris Hilton Out of Africa Photoshoot

When she’s not flashing her worn vagina to pedestrians on Sunset Boulevard or indulging in coke binges in dark LA nightclubs, Paris Hilton likes to attend photoshoots to promote her new improved image of caring.

The ex-convict airhead’s PR people have been working hard promoting their fake protege’s new persona to the already saturated celebrity pap media.

First it was a series of articles in the papers praising her ‘acting skills’ and now another photoshoot in Africa.

Paris’ PR people are ecstatic at the coverage Paris received for the South Africa photo opportunity and are already planning more fake picture sessions in other Third World countries. They, however, vehemently deny any suggestions of opportunistic exploitation of Africans for profit.

It was only in September last year when Paris Hilton was in Rwanda for another impromptu photoshoot. The Rwanda trip was a success for the Paris PR team and this South Africa trip was subsequently planned.

This time however, she was accompanied by her new boyfriend and prospective sperm donor.

Paris has been itching to have a baby ever since her coke fiend pal Nicole Richie got impregnated.

Looks like she found the right chump this time to grace her well-used and battered cavern. The poor fellow is obviously not fussy about sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths, thousands etc…

Stockbroker Sees Ghost at NYSE

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A shocked Jim Buller is seated down in the NYSE cafe mumbling gibberish as concerned colleagues hand him glasses of water. His hands are so shaky that he spills most of the water before it even reaches his dry lips.

After finally being coaxed to speak, the stockbroker slowly begins to tell the assembled throng of bored stockbrokers what he saw.

“It was the ghost of my long dead father. The spectral apparition rose up through the floor and came towards me with an awful moaning sound. I saw him clear as day, no joke. When he came close there was a chill in the air and I dropped my phone on the floor.”

The stockbroker had just been on the phone with a client who wanted to “sell, sell, sell.”

No one else saw the ghost but his reaction is unmistakeably extraordinary proving that he definitely saw something out there on the NYSE floor.

The ghost that Mr Buller saw is now being used in a multi-million dollar law suit by the aggrieved client because he did not sell the stock thus losing the client large amounts of money.

This is the first time in NYSE history that a stockbroker is being sued for supernatural reasons. Top financial litigation firm Ratchet & Ratchet were today preparing a groundbreaking case to exonerate their stockbroker client by attempting to prove that ghosts really do exist.

“We have employed a parapsychologist as well as the services of a Colombian shaman, a Catholic priest dealing in exorcism and a Voodoo houngan. This is going to take some time, however, we will come to a satisfactory conclusion soon enough.”

The Daily Squib could not get the suing party to make a comment.

The case continues, so watch this space.

George W Bush Hails Successful US Defeat in Iraq

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When he’s not perfecting his golf swing or choking on a pretzel, the most powerful man in the world likes to kick back and watch the chaos he has created unfold.

Mission Accomplished II

The supreme commander of the Western world marked the fifth anniversary of the Iraq invasion yesterday with a bumbling speech in which he described the war as noble, necessary and just, and claimed Arab’s in the Middle East are now fully behind America and its securement of oil fields and territory.

According to George W Bush, there are no plans to ever leave Iraq. “Iraq is our nation now, our resources, our territory – we have been triumphant and we shall prevail. Because we acted, the world is better and the United States of America is safer”

Chao ab Ordo

The war has so far killed hundreds of thousands of people, cost three trillion dollars and been blamed for destabilising the Middle East.

Speaking to a contingent of troops at the Pentagon, he claimed his decision to invade Iraq in the first place had “opened the door to a major killing spree of Muslims”.

He added: “Either you’re with the US or you’re a terrorist. We have created a genocidal killing field in Iraq where there will never be peace. Our great nation has polluted those people for generations to come with depleted uranium and other pollutants. It is something the American people should be very proud of”.

Bush went on to say: “The battle in Iraq is noble, it is necessary, and it is just. And today I stand victorious. I stand proud in completing my mission”.

The President then suggested that the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians was a small price to pay for a foothold in the Middle East and the world’s second largest oil reserves.

There were small protests in Washington yesterday but a promised mass demonstration failed to materialise because most Americans cannot be bothered any more.

Bush’s comments amounted to his most upbeat assessment of the war since his famous “mission accomplished” speech on a US aircraft carrier in May 2003.

Since then, Iraq has been convulsed by Sunni and Shia insurgencies against the US-led coalition and vicious sectarian killings. The Iraq Body Count group, in an independent survey conducted by Johns Hopkins University’s Bloomberg School of Public Health that looked at the death toll province by province, put the number of civilian deaths at 655,000 in 2006.

The American occupying forces claim that only 14,000 Iraqi civilians were killed by their troops. The number of US soldiers killed is 3,990, and the British military death toll 175.


Bush did not mention the failure to find Saddam’s alleged weapons of mass destruction, the stated reason for war, but stated that “Saddam was a bad man and we took him out”.

With less than a year left in office, the president is a largely isolated figure. Most of the neo-conservatives who pressed him to go to war have been retired with honourable discharges and huge payoffs.

The fragile multinational coalition Bush put together has also largely disappeared, with countries having either abandoned the war or left token forces behind.

George W Bush has caused the greatest military disaster in US history and has brought the US to its knees financially. He will be remembered by the historians as a liar, a thief and most of all – a coward.

China Unveils New Olympic Event

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Tibetan Monk Tossing will be the new Olympic event introduced by the Chinese host nation. Communist party leaders announced the new event at a news conference on Wednesday.

When asked how the new event will be integrated into the Olympics event roster at such a late stage, Chinese Olympics chief Xiang Xzing Xzamalama Ding Dong exclaimed: “This is an opportunity for Tibet to join the Orympics here in Chinese Orympic contest! The new state event will be forcibry enforced onto all Orympic participating nations. If you refuse to throw a Tibetan monk you will be refused participation in all other Chinese State Orympic events and will be detained and beaten with heavy sticks.”

The Tibetan monks which the Chinese propose to use for the event are fresh from Lhasa – now a burning smouldering wasteland.

The peace-loving monks and people of Tibet have been brutally oppressed with violence and torture by the occupying totalitarian Chinese Communist regime since 1950.

China’s Communist party officials were eager to show solidarity with International Olympic officials by demonstrating a Tibetan Buddhist Monk Toss event yesterday.

“They wheeled the poor monk out in a wheelchair. He had bruises all over him from the constant beatings that the Chinese mete out on an hourly basis. The monk was then lifted by a big burly Chinese man in a yellow leotard. He swung the poor monk round and round and tossed him like the hammer event,” a shocked IOC member from Austria told the Daily Squib.

After the Monk Toss event was completed there were loud and triumphant cheers from the Chinese party officials and the poor old monk was stretchered off, never to be seen again.

The Chinese officials tried to appease the situation afterwards by giving out cheaply produced toxic plastic trinkets and bottles of Chinese mineral water laced with raw untreated sewage to the assembled international entourage.

Heather Mills to Give All Winnings to Charity

Heather Mills has exonerated herself from being called a money grabbing gold digger today at the high court.

After winning a whopping £25.8 million, which equates to £700 per hour whilst married to Sir Paul McCartney, the one legged former glamour model announced on the court steps that she will be giving every penny to charity because she was never “in it for the money.”

Heather then told the press that the next chump she finds will be “paying £1000 per hour for my services.”

Amongst a media frenzy that would rival a Beatles reunion, the triumphant Heather Mills stood on the court steps and an aura of goodness seemed to emanate from her very being.

“I was looking at Heather and it was as if she was glowing with goodness, almost like Mother Teresa. She floated above the ground and when she smiled I felt I was looking at a saint,” a stunned onlooker told the Daily Squib.

Heather had originally attempted to gain £125 million to give to charity but was unluckily brought down by the miserly Paul McCartney to a mere £25.8 million.

“I was not seeking any of this money for myself. I actually do not like money at all and I do not need a lot to live,” Heather opined on the court steps.

This goes to show that every cloud has a silver lining and that there really are pros with hearts of gold out there.

Secrets of Michael Douglas’ Youth Revealed

Michael Douglas and his much younger wife are a picture of Hollywood glamour walking down Malibu beach as the sun sets over the Pacific ocean.

To look this good costs money, we hear you say. Well, yes, it does. It costs a lot of money, but it is worth every penny.

Excerpts from next month’s edition of Hello magazine reveal the immense lengths that some Hollywood people resort to when fighting the specter of encroaching age upon their huge egos.

Renowned Hollywood Doctor Conrad Franken reveals how Michael Douglas is fooling everyone with his youthful boyish looks:

“The big secret in Hollywood at the moment is a groundbreaking technique which has really hit its stride. We’re talking about a substance that can rejuvenate people who should not even be alive. Treatment can cost an arm and a leg, but it’s worth it.”

We continue to ask the good Doctor what the secret ingredient is. “It’s something that is used in certain industries exclusively and we have simply adopted it into our own. Yes folks, the secret ingredient is (drum roll) — Formaldehyde.”

The procedure that all of Hollywood has been raving about is actually an embalming technique that is commonly used in funeral parlours throughout the world.

Michael Douglas’ face is pumped full of Formaldehyde each morning to keep his flesh from further decomposing. This solution preserves the human tissue and prevents any flacidity of the wasting flesh.

“After the celebrity is pumped up with a Formaldehyde solution a professional embalmer attends to the client and utilises specific makeup techniques to further the youthful illusion,” Doctor Franken exclaimed.

The cost for this daily procedure is $5,000 per three hour session, but most people believe that this is a small price to pay for the appearance of looking alive. It’s a miracle worker for people like Joan Rivers.

“We can work wonders when it comes to changing the appearance of someone’s face, but haven’t yet figured out how to fix their ageing, decrepid bodies so that they match their Formaldehyde injected faces. But it’s only a matter of time before medical science comes up with a solution for that too.”

Lord Goldsmith Calls for ‘Britishness’ Day and Oaths to the EU

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A new public holiday should be introduced to celebrate Britishness, a review commissioned by unelected controller in chief Gordon “Velcro” Brown.

The report by former Blair-ite war criminal and sycophant Lord Goldsmith outlines the many values that Britishness conveys to the rest of the world.

“We as a nation should be proud of the daily thug violence, no police, high taxes, expensive cost of living, low quality of life, chronic overcrowding, pollution, crumbling transport infrastructure, chavs, hoodies, poor education and criminally abandoned hospitals and prisons. We should be proud of paying 80% on fuel duty which makes the UK one of the highest fuel tax countries in the world. We should be proud of governmental incompetence on a grand scale. A land bereft of hope where our supreme unelected leader Gordon Brown makes all decisions for us and bypasses any democratic process. A land where the cost of living is rising every second, where the mortgage hell of living in this overpriced cesspit overflowing with big brother surveillance cameras and traffic revenue generators stinks to highest heaven.

The peer said Britain epitomises the term “toilet country” and it was his job to bring in more fecal pride and “Britishness”.

Lord Goldsmith – who was commissioned by the unelected Prime Minister to look at the issue of British citizenship – also proposed changes to the current categories of citizenship, which he says will “promote the meaning and significance of citizenship within modern Britain”.

His recommendations also aim to encourage wider participation in “re-education” services which will program citizens further.

Lord Goldsmith’s chief brainwashing proposals include:

•  A new British national day, to coincide with the Labour Olympics and the European Union in 2012
•  Ceremonies in which schoolchildren swear oaths of allegiance to EU directives and governing allegiance of Brussels
•  Cutting out the national anthem and replacing it with the EU anthem
•  A major overhaul of “archaic” British laws to make room for the all inclusive EU directives
•  Language loans for people who cannot afford Polish lessons

Lord Goldsmith wants the national day to be a similar celebration to Australia Day, Bastille Day in France, the July 4 celebrations in the United States were considered “too backward”.

Mr Brown is understood to be keen for a new public holiday but, unlike Lord Goldsmith, favours focusing on the country’s good points – like football hooliganism, being glassed in a pub on a Friday night, drunk and drugged up 9 year olds happy slapping commuters, under age pregnancy and abortions, alcopops and benefits cheats playing playstations whilst wacked out on skunk on a Monday morning.

A petition on the Downing Street website for a holiday to mark the contribution of hoodies, chavs, thugs and crazed Eastern European sex trafficking gangs has attracted more than 500,000 supporters.

Lord Goldsmith says in his report: “A national day would also provide the ideal setting for a special Violent Offenders Honours List, which focuses exclusively on the achievements of thugs who maim and torture ordinary citizens every day of their lives.”

This would be “the catalyst for a positive and celebratory new image of thuggery and Britishness.”

 
A British teen playing in the park

 

 

Despite previously criticising the words of the National Anthem for not being inclusive enough, Lord Goldsmith does not propose changing it to Polish and Lithuanian yet.

Ed Balls, who drives a £200,000 Socialist Bentley Arnage and is the right hand man of unelected PM Gordon Brown, spoke of his wish for a tax on “Britishness” so that “the people that pay for my vast Socialist riches can truly value their British pride”.

Since becoming unelected Prime Minister, Gordon Brown has been keen to push a Britishness agenda after signing away all laws to Brussels and refusing an EU referendum or any democratic discussion on the matter.

The review follows the Call Yourself British campaign by The Peoples Daily Telegraph which is now under the control of supreme unelected leader Brown and his agents.

Currently in Britain, British people have almost 450 taxes and 289 ‘stealth taxes’ on each person and the supreme unelected Prime Minister proposes a further tax on Britishness to show how patriotic citizens really are.

“We will tax you for Britishness and you will obey and be taxed for the honour and privilege.”

Those who show that they are “active citizens” could be nominated to join a “Citizens Corps” which would be viewed favourably by employers.

“If you are honoured comrades..ahem..I mean citizens, you will be honoured with a citizen trophy depicting a hoody urinating on an OAP who was just violently beaten up,” unelected Prime Minister Gordon Brown told the Daily Squib.

Eco-Friendly Suicide Belts Being Used in Iraq

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Terrorists in Iraq are becoming more eco-conscious and have introduced the next generation of ‘Green suicide belts’ onto the battlefield.

Sheik Bin Abu Ayham is the mastermind behind the eco-belts, as he likes to call them.

“We want to look after the planet. Everything in the belt is recycled and is built from sustainable organic materials. Even the nails were recycled from the last bombing and the pieces of cloth were woven in an eco-friendly sustainable farm in the Cotswalds. I’m afraid we could not recycle Mahmoud the suicide bomber though, because we could only find a few bits of him.”

Made from durable, waterproof soy polymer and eco-sustainable hemp cloth, these groovy, eco-chic suicide vests are lightweight and portable.

Suicide bombers are also offsetting their carbon emmisions by purchasing carbon credits and emulating their hero Al Gore.

The Daily Squib asked the Sheik if the 72 virgins are also recycled once the bomber goes to Islamic heaven.

“There is definitely no recycling of virgins in heaven, my friend. Once a bomber has done Allah’s bidding he spends eternity having fun. It’s hymen heaven I tell you.”

Islamic terrorism has never been so trendy and with the new eco-friendly suicide belts there is no threat to the environment.

New Study Reveals Junk Food Good for You

Eating is a natural part of life. But according to some researchers, some types of food eaten – namely sugary and fatty foods – are better for you than so-called healthy foods.

The idea that junk food is unhealthy has been claimed in a number of newspapers with headlines such as: “Fast food can be as bad as heroin and cocaine, claims new research”, “Burgers are like smoking crack”, “Sugar and fat ‘as addictive as meth’ researchers say”, and “Junk food is bad bad bad”.

These scare-mongering headlines appear to have been triggered by a media blitz on our beloved junk food industry looking for sensational fear-inducing news soundbites to chew on. Johnson Banzhaffer, professor of law at George Washington University, details why the public should be weary of such media hype. He puts forward his argument that there is mounting evidence that fast food is actually good for you. He points to various pieces of research that originally appeared in an article in the New Scientist magazine in February 2003.

“There is mounting evidence from the scientific and academic community that eating large doses of junk food is the key to a long and healthy life.”

 

 

A number of studies have been carried out in rats to look at processed foods and their benefits. Dr. Anne Selley, professor of neuroscience at Tacoma Community College together with Juillaro Wilson, has been studying rats and diet for a number of years. One study found that a high-fat diet appears to alter the brain biochemistry to radically increase intelligence levels. They say this is due to the increased levels of various monoamines — namely dopamine in the striatum and nucleus accumbens, noradrenalin in the hypothalamus and ventrolateral preoptic nucleus, and serotonin in the amygdala and frontal cortex.

While the co-administration of a dopamine antagonist is known to decrease the stimulant effect of amphetamine, it does not negate the wakefulness-promoting actions of eating vast amounts of junk food.

Eating junk food also activates glutamatergic circuits while inhibiting GABAergic neurotransmission.

According to Dr. Anne Selley, rats “love the high-fat food and they eat and eat. We found there are actually huge intelligence strides that are elicited by exposure to a chronic high-fat diet.” She believes that it is possible to compare the findings about rats to humans, making it very plausible that humans can benefit from high-sugar and fatty foods also.

“Those particular types of food – the fat and the sugar – are really the key to all longevity and intelligence,” she said. “They’re responsible for the behavioural changes that manifest, and also the brain changes that look like genius levels of intelligence. When I eat a cheeseburger and fries I immediately feel the synapses sparking up and
my cognition enhanced to a very high level.

Bartholemew D. Scheisse, a neuroscientist from Princeton University, led a similar study into sugar benefits which was published in the journal Neuroscience Research in June 2002. Again, rats were used and were gradually fed a diet with increasing amounts of sugar. The more sugar given the quicker the rats solved major puzzles, and when it was suddenly withdrawn from their food they experienced “dumbing down” reactions such as bumping into walls, looking bored and staring vacantly into space.

According to Scheisse, sugar triggers the production of the brain’s natural monoamines. “We think that is a key to the increased intelligence process,” he said. “The brain is sparking up synapses and making new neural connections every time you indulge in fatty sugary processed junk foods.”

“The implication,” he added, “is that animals and people can increase their life expectancy and intelligence levels on sweet food, particularly if they periodically binge on large amounts of the stuff. Eating pizza, burgers, twinkies, Doritos, Taco Bell and a greasy chop at Black Angus will make you into a walking genius rivalling brain boxes like Einstein and Stephen Hawking.”

More studies in rats by Dr. Munter Leibowitz, a neurobiologist at Tucson University, showed that exposure to fatty foods might reconfigure the neural system to want more knowledge. Her studies have shown that rats fed on a high-fat diet become more insistent on solving complicated puzzles which included complicated mathematical algorithms. Eating high fat processed junk food is the key to healthy living.

Junk Food

Here are some tips to enjoy eating junk food so that its benefits can be fully realised.

1) Drink two litres of a high sugar soda drink before eating junk food. This will keep your brain dosed up with sugar and ready to receive even more sugar.

2) Do not order an iced tea or fresh fruit juice. Instead, order colas or aerated drinks.

3) Avoid fresh fruit, vegetables, rice or fish like the plague. Ask for extra servings of fried foods and high fat sugary processed foods instead.

4) When eating junk food like burgers and pizza, be sure to add extra mayonnaise, ketchup or anything else you can find with high fat levels.

5) Do not chew your food – just suck it down. Rushing is good. This will help you to eat more junk food in one session.

6) While dessert is usually eaten after a meal, why not enjoy your dessert before AND after the main junk food meal? Try to indulge on monstrous sundaes, brownies, gooey fudge and large dollops of processed cream as often as you can.

7) Junk food contains a lot of fat and sodium. To increase your intake, it is best to drink a lot of colas and sugary soda.

Hope these seven pointers help the next time you feel like indulging in more healthy junk food.

A C T I O N    P O I N T S

If you think you might be avoiding eating large amounts of sugar or fat, try increasing portion sizes gradually.

Try to eat a healthy fat and sugar-balanced diet as often as you can.

If you feel you could have a problem with not eating enough junk food, seek the help of a qualified junk food manufacturer or speak to your local fast food restaurant.

Shock as Politician Linked to Prostitution

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A US politician has been linked to prostitution.

This comes with news that the Pope has been linked to Catholicism and that bears are linked to large steaming mounds of shit in the woods.

Eliot Spitzer, otherwise known as “client 9” must have rubbed someone up the wrong way in more ways than one. That’s why they took out the tapes to show ‘joe public.’

We’re wondering in the Squib offices what the Governor did so wrong to be made a fool of in such a way?

Some other links of note: The sky is linked to the colour blue, the British Royals are linked to Germany and George W Bush is linked to the chimpanzee (twice removed).