Henry Kissinger knows who the next President of the United States of America is going to be and the Daily Squib’s political correspondent cornered the former White House lurker in his luxury Manhattan apartment and asked him the inevitable question about the Presidency.

The elder statesman makes a grand entrance in his wheelchair. The sprightly 84 year old looks as demonic as ever and is dressed immaculately in his fine silk smoking jacket and expensive crimson red slippers. He is looked after by a troupe of hand picked young nurses who fawn over his every need.

Kissinger of course is renowned for his time in the Nixon government and the famous quotation of his stating that “Military men are just dumb, stupid animals to be used as pawns in foreign policy,” quoted from the book “Final Days” by Woodward and Bernstein seems to be more relevant today than when it was first uttered.

He was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973, a decision which had a rich sense of irony in itself.

Kissinger’s decisions during his long tenure for countless US Presidents ultimately cost many millions of lives in conflicts like Cambodia and Vietnam.

This man who once held immense Machiavellian world power is the one to ask, I tentatively bring myself to ask the question. Who will win the US Presidency?

“Let me tell you about the system, it is all a big show for all the masses. We chose the next ‘leader’ a long time ago. We are simply playing an age old game of pretend. It’s like watching a wrestling match, it’s all bull and yet everyone still watches it,” Kissinger chortles and lights another menthol perched on his elegant mother of pearl embossed cigarette holder.

Kissinger lives in modest style, the luxurious Italian marble floors are decked with 18th century furniture languishing amongst the finest Persian carpets we have ever seen. He waves his hand and the blonde nurse slinks away for a second exposing her garter underneath her whitewashed uniform. Kissinger’s overfull colostomy bag hangs from his wheelchair and resembles an over stretched tick on a dogs back ripe for the bursting.

“I am not going to tell you who attended the Bilderberg meeting which I chair but as you may have already heard, all prospective Presidents and Prime Ministers who have attended previously have gone onto becoming their respective countries leader.”

Bilderberg has a proven history of acting in a kingmaker capacity. Both Bill Clinton and Tony Blair attended before becoming President and Prime Minister.

Who attended the Bilderberg meeting in 2006?

Kissinger pauses for a second then lets off a large fart. His eyes roll back in their sockets in obvious ecstasy. He then gestures for one of his nurses and whispers in her ear. She giggles then saunters off squeaking her plimsolls on the marble. The nurse returns with a glass of 1945 Mouton Rothschild and hands it to Kissinger.

“I am a great fan of the Daily Squib and make a point of reading your excellent website every day but let me tell you my dear friends, Obama will be President because of his colour. McCain is too old and a liability, Hillary is not ready yet, plus she’s a woman,” Kissinger smiles wryly then takes a sip of the Mouton Rothschild.

It seems the interview may be over sooner than we had thought. We are ushered out of the ornate room into a hallway with walls plastered from floor to ceiling with photographs of Kissinger standing next to all of the luminaries of the last fifty years.