17.7 C
London
Monday, December 23, 2024
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 714

Boris Johnson Thanks Daily Squib After Winning Mayoral Election

Mr. Humphries
-
7
Boris Johnson Thanks Daily Squib After Winning Mayoral Election

There were jubilant scenes in all cities around England and Wales today as the rotten morose government of Gordon Brown was firmly ‘bum f*cked’ with a red hot poker.

Labour’s worst defeat in 40 years

Standing on a soap box outside speakers corner was the victorious Boris Johnson accompanied by a harem of hot totty. Through the dark clouds up above, there was a sudden parting and a shaft of light graced the assembled crowd. There were joyous cheers from all as the news slowly filtered through the crowds of Labour’s defeat.

“First
off I want to thank the Daily Squib for showing their amazing support.
Without their wicked newspaper stories this incredible victory would
never have been able to materialise. I have to say though, my old chums
Gordon Brown and Red Ken pretty much gave me this victory on a silver
platter. What with the huge taxes, u-turns, indecision, Northern Wreck, the 10p fiasco, losing data discs, stealth taxes,
fuel tax hikes, more fuel tax hikes, bins, cctv spying, cronyism, bendy buses,
uncontrolled violence, stabbings, murders and shootings. Wot, wot, innit.”

Happy faces in London were once again here, as people gathered in their local neighbourhoods and sang songs of joy. The trees and grass which have been grey for so long were suddenly lifted from their dull deathly stupor, people were astounded to see the grass turning green again and trees blossoming. The people of England were not the only ones who were happy, some actually heard birds chirping their songs of pleasure for the first time in many years since Labour rule.

It has been as if a great veil has been lifted over the nation, from the grey morose hopeless vision of Gordon control freakery to something resembling colour.

Alas but for how long?

Even though Gordon Brown has witnessed a 76% vote against Labour, he knows he still has two years of morose leadership left to complete under his unelected premiership.

“People still have two years left of Labour increasing taxes to unbelievable levels never before seen. Gordon detests the proles and will now punish them even further for their insolence in defying his ‘Era of Change’,” Lib Dem MP Roger Barker told Daily Squib reporter Arnold Finklestammerererer today.

El Gordo MacBean has made a pledge to actually “listen to the electorate”. Is he listening now that they have told him to “F*ck off”?

One can only hope that the Labour hell may end in two years time. Until then, people will just have to bite their lip whenever the morose monotone drone of comrade Gordon Brown graces our screens.

Bulimic John Prescott Eats Own Vomit at Croquet Championship

Mr. Humphries
-
0
Bulimic John Prescott Eats Own Vomit at Croquet Championship

It was meant to be a civilised game of croquet at the Chelsea Croquet Club but instead ended up a chaotic sick bag mess.

Mr Prescott who arrived in one of his many Jaguar cars had been invited to attend the competition as guest of honour and to present the winners prize at the end of the competition.

To the shock of the Champions Cup XII competition officials, Prescott who arrived drunk, kicked off the competition by gorging himself on about 234 cucumber sandwiches, 43 pork pies and 124 sausage rolls. Mr Prescott, the former deputy prime minister, decided to then butt into a game that had already started on the croquet green.

A distraught 76 year old Mrs Outhwaite, who was last years champion, describes the moment when John Prescott got hold of her bat and started to swing it about like a maniac.

“This awful slobbering fat man wearing a cowboy hat came onto the green and started bragging about his croquet skills saying that he had had a lot of practise while he was deputy prime minister.”

According to club members, Mr Prescott then proceeded to vomit copious amounts of sick over the croquet lawn, but there was worse to come. Because of his bulimia, he got down on the grass and started to eat his own vomit with gusto.

“After being sick on the grass, John said he was hungry again and wanted to eat his own vomit. He was slurping it up like soup and chewing on the crunchy bits with relish. It was disgusting and a few ladies were retching at the sight of it. One lady who is a regular croquet player for the B team vomited on the club’s prize pegonias. John, seeing this as another opportunity to stuff his face, lapped the lot up including her false teeth then burped whilst smiling like a well sated Cheshire cat,”  Colonal Saunders, the shocked President of the Croquet Committee told the Daily Squib.

John Prescott, has been touting his gluttonous piggery as of late by doing the rounds in all the papers.

Fatal Stabbings at All-Time Low in UK

Mr. Humphries
-
0
Fatal Stabbings at All-Time Low in UK

Since Labour came to power, fatal stabbings and beatings have increased by over a quarter. However, the number of stabbings in real-terms have been reduced by 3% from the previous year, Home Office statistics reveal.

The number of people kicked or beaten to death has dropped by 2% to only 458 fatalities per day, the figures show.
And 2% less people were shot dead in 2006/07 than in 2005, leaving fatalities at only 649 per day, Home Office minister Vincent Croaker revealed to Parliament.

He disclosed in a written answer to MPs that there had been a 4% decrease in homicides during that period, from 1344 to 1291 murders per day.

They included a decrease in deaths from sharp instruments from 874 to 749 per day, a decrease in fatalities from hitting and kicking from 234 to 198 per day and a reduction in killings from shootings from 456 to 435 per day.

Fatal stabbings have increased by more than a quarter since Labour came to power, Home Office statistics reveal.

The number of people kicked or beaten to death has soared even faster – by more than half – the figures show.

And 228% more people were shot dead in 2006/07 than in 1998/99, Home Office minister Vincent Croaker revealed to Parliament.

He disclosed in a written answer to MPs that there had been a 415% increase in homicides during that period, from 1998-2007.

Labour claims that violent crime is lower than it was in 1997 when they first came into power, despite the figures showing otherwise.

The Government’s claims to have reduced crime by a fraction from last year is a clear indication that serious violent crime is spiralling out of control with tragic consequences for victims and families of victims up and down the country.

Labour ministers were quick to rally behind the figures and congratulate themselves on reducing overall violent crime from last year by nearly 3%.

Labour has vowed to reduce violent crime even further by next year by reducing police forces across England and Wales as well as increasing paperwork and overall bureaucracy.

Comrade Brown Urges Proles to Keep Panic Buying Petrol

Mr. Humphries
-
0
Comrade Brown Urges Proles to Keep Panic Buying Petrol

 

With eighty pence from every pound going to the British Soviet Treasury in fuel tax and duty, Comrade Brown is urging more panic at the pumps.

Oil as a commodity is cheaper than milk. However, with Labour’s fuel tax and fuel duty, it is now nearly over five pounds per gallon ($10 per gallon if you are American). The United Soviet Nation of Britain has the highest fuel taxes in the world and British prole drivers are the biggest cash cows in the world.

More Panic Please

There are reports that the prole populations are utilising the herd mentality for which they have been trained. By creating a mass feeding frenzy from petrol stations across the nation due to reports that Grangemouth oil refinery is shutting down, the Labour government is sure to come into a massive tax windfall. The oil refinery was ordered to be shut down by Comrade Brown himself because state funds have been floundering as of late and the nation needs a much needed cash injection to keep it above water. By ensuring the panic buying masses continue with the feeding frenzy, the Soviet British Nation will accumulate large reserves of fuel tax cash for its empty coffers.

Keep Panic Buying

“British Soviet proles are a breed unto themselves. They seem to happily accept every indignity and injustice heaped upon them without question or protest. Our populations have been brainwashed into slave subservience and are the most pliable plebiscites in the whole world. A credit to the controllers who have steered the sheeple into the pen ready for mass shearing,” Commissar for Fuel Tax, Harry Balls, said at a news briefing at the oil refinery in Grangemouth on Friday.

Fuel Tax Increase

Labour ministers were congratulating themselves and there were many pats on the back today for encouraging the panic buying of fuel at petrol stations across the United Soviet Nation of Britain. Despite taking 80 pence from every pound spent on petrol in the United Soviet Nation of Britain, Comrade Brown still plans to reward the population with a further 2 pence increase by June 2008.

“Comrades, we welcome the panic buying! Out of every pound spent we make eighty pence on fuel tax. Thank you for supporting the state in our hour of need. We will continue to utilise the revenue we receive from you and spend it on incompetent, impotent and useless politicians, waste, cronyism, stupidity, cowardice and greed. And who knows? Out of all the money we’re making, we might even be able to start another war! Our only worry is that petrol stations might eventually run out of fuel from the mass panic buying which would mean that all of the tax revenue we’re currently receiving would come to an abrupt end. But in the meantime, please carry on panicking — there is nothing to worry about!” a jubilant Comrade Darling told the BBC4 news yesterday.

 

Amy Winehouse Training for Bolshoi Ballet Debut

Mr. Humphries
-
2
Amy Winehouse Training for Bolshoi Ballet Debut

Amy Winehouse is addicted to ballet and has been secretly training for her debut in the Bolshoi Ballet production of Tchaikovsky’s Sleeping Beauty which is going to open in Moscow’s Bolshoi theatre in 2009.

Now you know why she wears those ballet shoes wherever she goes.

Her obsession has been so intense that she even sleeps with her ballet pumps and bathes in them too.

“Amy is the most dedicated ballerina I have ever seen, she can stand on tiptoe for hours on end without flinching, this is her drug — her true passion,” respected Ballet mistress, Antoinette Rehabskirova wrote in last weeks edition of Pravda.

Ms Winehouse has injected a much needed boost into the elite world of ballet, her courage and dedication has now been the inspiration for many young girls around the world.

 

She is so obsessed with ballet that she even has one room dedicated solely to ballet shoes. Winehouse keeps about 20,000 pairs stacked up wall to wall.

The production will tour the world starting in February 2009 and is already a sell out at all venues.

‘Jihad Land’ Comes to Baghdad with Multi-Million Pound Entertainment Park

Mr. Humphries
-
0
‘Jihad Land’ Comes to Baghdad with Multi-Million Pound Entertainment Park

When the amusement park you’re building lies in downtown Baghdad, you know that you’re going to have one hell of a ride.

Mr Mengele, chairman of Zyklon-B, a Los Angeles-based holding company for private equity firms, is pouring millions of dollars into developing The Baghdad Jihad and Torture Entertainment Experience, a massive American-style amusement park that will feature a waterboarding park, torture chambers, a functioning dungeon, a Suicide Vest Center and a museum of American war atrocities and torture tools. He is a new breed of American pioneer in the new frontier land of Iraq. The park is being designed by the same firm that developed Disneyland.

“The people of Iraq need this kind of positive influence. It’s going to have a huge psychological impact and make us very very rich off their misery – in essence, we are simply doing to these people what we have been doing for many years – exploiting them for our gain,” Mr Mengele said.
The 50-acre swath of land, which sits adjacent to the heavily fortified Green Zone and encompasses Baghdad’s existing Torture Center and Abu Ghraib prison, was constructed after the American-led invasion in 2003. Before the invasion the area was previously used as a recreational park where children would play and Baghdadi residents would wile away their time amongst the lush grass and palm trees.

Iraqis will be sprinkled with Depleted Uranium as they enter the facility’s gates.

Lawrence Van Hoogenstraten, a South African mercenary who ran the Baghdad Towelhead Hunting Safari for rich Americans immediately after the invasion, has been hired to help.

Mr Mengele, who has been sold a 50-year lease on the site by the Mayor of Baghdad for an undisclosed sum, says the time is ripe for the torture facility. “I think people will embrace it. They’ll see it as an opportunity for the torture to carry on regardless if they’re Shia or Sunni. This will be a fun place to visit and see how America has taken over Iraq. We also plan on introducing a brothel and hardcore pornographic cinema as well as Las Vegas style gambling joints so Iraqis get a real flavour of the best of America. We already have all the major fast food restaurants signed up and ready to go, we just have to tear down a few more mosques to build them.”

Ali al-Dabbagh, a spokesman for the Iraqi Government, is equally optimistic: “The Americans have been very generous with their money yet again. Of course, we sold our people out without question. I have a villa near Lake Lugano and one on the banks of Lake Geneva. Our American friends are welcome to come here and shoot and rape our children. Just as long as they pay me large sums of money.” Mr al-Dabbagh added that entry to the park would be free for Iraqi families, but they should realise that some members of the family might never manage to leave the torture facility alive.

The project will cost $500 million to develop and will be managed by the CIA and MOSSAD. Under the terms of the lease, Mr Mengele will retain exclusive rights to torture facilities and brothel developments, which he says will be both “culturally sensitive” and enormously profitable — “I wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t making money,” he said.

“I also have this wonderful sense that we’re doing the right thing — we’re not only going to torture thousands of Iraqis for free, but we’re going to make a profit too. The American nation really has left a wonderful legacy in Iraq which is now the 51st state.”

A $1 million waterboard park, the first phase of the development, will be opened in July. The project, wholly financed by Mr Mengele and the CIA, is meant to lure “the demographic of anyone who is not an American or oil representative of Halliburton.”

Parts for 200,000 waterboards and materials to build CIA sanctioned torture devices will be shipped from America to Iraq for assembly at state-owned factories.

Mr Mengele also plans to fly over American waterboarding experts to train more state sanctioned torturers. When the sport catches on Mr Mengele will start to sell the boards — which bear the slogan “American State Torture is Rad” in hot pink Arabic script — for cash.

The larger Jihad Land entertainment park, designed by Whip and Bleed Engineering Inc., will follow in phases, part of a broader strategy launched two years ago by the Iraqi Government and the US to attract private investment into the country’s 192 state-owned factories.


 

The factories were closed in 2003 by Paul Bremer, then the head of the Coalition Provisional Authority, who believed that private torture facilities away from the media would take their place. Instead, the American torture machine went public and wiped out the silent industry in one fell swoop.

But Mr Mengele whose company manages several hundred million dollars of equity, sees Iraq as a great opportunity. “Iraq to me is an open field. I have never in my life seen an opportunity with the potential that Iraq has with its skilled workforce and oil reserves. We are tearing down 200 mosques per day and building churches on top of them. I am also planning to integrate pork products to the Iraq diet and the Iraqi government have already accepted proposals to build Iraq’s first pig farm in Tikrit and maybe also in Sadr City. ”

He has begun partnerships with several Iraqi factories in the last year, investing tens of millions of dollars in joint ventures ranging from manufacturing rude toys for the new Iraqi industry near Basra to Churches in Kirkuk to production of Iraqi Viagra tablets made with “Mesopotamia dates”.

But the Baghdad Jihad and Torture Entertainment Experience could prove the most ambitious. General Petraeus is said to be a “big supporter” of the project, according to Mr Mengele.

“There are all sorts of investment opportunities all over Iraq. But it’s not just about looting their oil reserves for American consumption. Half the Iraqi population is under the age of fifteen. These kids really need something to do – and being exploited and tortured by us is their true calling,” Mr Mengele exclaims as he chews on his large Cuban cigar.

Urgent Announcement from Comrade Brown 10p Workers Reward

Mr. Humphries
-
0
Urgent Announcement from Comrade Brown 10p Workers Reward

The Chairman : I call upon our unelected leader Comrade Brown to speak.

(The plebiscite greet Comrade Brown’s appearance in the rostrum with a loud ovation lasting for several minutes. All those in the hall of the British Soviet Shakespeare Theatre rise and greet Comrade Brown. Continuous cries from the hall: “Long live great Brown, Hurrah!” “Hurrah for Comrade Brown, the creator of the Soviet Constitution, the most democratic in the world!” “Long live Comrade Brown, leader of the oppressed throughout the world, Hurrah!” )

Brown: Comrades, to tell you the truth, I had no intention of making a speech. But our respected Commissar for Re-Education, Ed Balls, dragged me to this meeting in his Bentley Arnage by sheer force, so to speak. “Make another one of your morose monotone speeches ,” he said. What shall I talk about, exactly what sort of speech? Everything that had to be said has already been said and said again. What can be added to these speeches? Ahah! And then comrades, the speech came to me out of the red mist of Brown-ism and flowed out of me effortlessly.

Comrades, the Vision of Change I have created is truly upon us now and forever will be implemented by me. Rest assured, this is the time comrades for us to embrace the New Era wherein all workers in the Great Soviet Britain will be rewarded for their hard work in bringing our state forward and above all others.

Effective immediately comrades, I have instructed our illustrious state legislator Comrade Darling to decrease state workers pay by reducing the 10p threshold of state tax. I am rewarding the proletariat for their continuing allegiance and hardship to the state. Now they have less to bring home to their families and will have to work longer hours for less pay to make ends meet. (Cries of approval and applause.)

I will be rewarding proles with further increases in fuel tax for their continued hard work in increasing state coffers. Our great state now receives 80 pence in every pound spent on fuel; with the new 2p increase I have proposed, this will give workers more opportunity to work longer hours in state factories and workhouses.

There will also be an increase in CCTV surveillance to deter and detect threats to our Soviet British Regime of Change. I therefore announce an increase in politburo cameras effective immediately. The 35% increase of the 245 million cameras already existing in the United Soviet Kingdom will give comrades and workers further security from themselves.

Comrades, I will also announce, effective from tomorrow, an increase in the sugar rations from one cube per month to two cubes. You see comrades, I reward those who support the Bolshevik Party well. (Loud and sustained cheers. A voice:”And we all follow Comrade Brown !”)

BBC Airs New Repossession Property Show

Mr. Humphries
-
1
BBC Airs New Repossession Property Show

Location, Location, Location

Nearly every British TV channel has been airing property shows each day of the week for the past eight years. The almighty property show explosion has proved a windfall for the production companies involved as well as the commissioning stations by capitalising on the mass market hunger for property ownership.

“It is true to say that if one repeats the same mantra enough times the masses will believe it to be true. Every day and every hour the same message has been pumped into British households. We suckered them into getting those 110% mortgages and they believed us wholeheartedly because they saw what we were broadcasting — the dream they wanted,” Jamie Garrick, one of the producers for the BBC3 show Get Set Buy to Let exclaimed with a large smirk on his pockmarked face.

Repossession, Repossession, Repossession

After the populations were brainwashed into getting on the property ladder by any means possible, the carpet has been firmly swished from underneath them and now they are left with properties acquired with oversized mortgages, increasing interest rates and negative equity.

The banks who are not lending anymore, due to their own greedy profiteering which has led to the so-called “credit crunch”, are now repossessing the properties they fooled the people into buying.

BBC5 presenter John Allen talks about the new repossession show which aired last night: “The premise of the show is quite simple really. We have a camera crew following the householders around as they struggle to cope with the immense pressure of trying to stay afloat whilst mortgaged up to the hilt and trying to juggle the credit card payments.

We had one couple for the series who actually ended up losing more than their house. The husband hanged himself in the garden next to the rhododendrons that had been featured in a property show last year. A lot of the people we follow with the camera we have already featured in previous shows where we documented them buying the properties they lose in the current show.”

The new show format was a great success after airing on the Sunday evening slot,

Repossession Repossession Repossession managed to receive 5 million viewers last night and beat the ITV1 property repossession show Losing Your Home Abroad.

Brown Congratulates Mugabe for Winning Election

Mr. Humphries
-
2
Brown Congratulates Mugabe for Winning Election

In an unusually forthright statement at the world’s top diplomatic table, Gordon Brown congratulated Robert Mugabe for stealing Zimbabwe’s presidential vote once again.

The British prime minister told a meeting of the UN security council today that Mugabe’s tactics are very similar to his own.

Commenting on the results of the ballot, Brown said: “Everyone knows, having seen the result at the polling stations, that President Mugabe has lost this election but won it on the coerced recount with the use of brute force. A stolen election would not be an election at all. Believe you me, I know, having been brought into power without any election or vote.”

Indeed, the supreme Comrade Brown secured the Prime Ministerial role without election after Tony Blair left office. When called to declare a much-needed general election in September 2007 he “bottled it” and backed away from his word. Gordon Brown also promised the people of Britain a referendum on Europe and backed away from that as well.

The prime minister’s praise of Mugabe came at a meeting to discuss security council cooperation with the African Union, chaired by the South African president, Thabo Mbeki, who is Mugabe’s subordinate.

Robert Gabriel Mugabe, KCB (born on February 21, 1924) is the President of Zimbabwe. He has served as the head of government in Zimbabwe since 1980, as Prime Minister from 1980 to 1987 and as the first executive President since 1987. He rose to prominence in the 1960s as a leader of the Zimbabwe African National Union (ZANU) in guerrilla warfare against white-minority rule in Rhodesia in the Bush War (1964–1979).

Mugabe is an outspoken, controversial and polarizing figure who is proud of his homosexuality. Emerging from the Zimbabwe parliament, he has been hailed by gay Africans as a hero for championing homosexual rights in Zimbabwe.

The President currently lives in his pink palace in Harare with his string of male concubines. There are rumours that President Mugabe has full blown AIDS but leaders of ZANU-PF have staunchly denied the allegations. Mugabe’s continuing thin frame and fragile mental state have alarmed African leaders and the media with concern for his health.

Viscount Linley to Present Supermarket Sweep

Mr. Humphries
-
0
Viscount Linley to Present Supermarket Sweep

The British Royal family have made rare sojourns onto our TV screens in the past with shows like It’s a Knockout and the odd public ceremony but until now no member of the Saxe Coburg Gothas have had the privilege of fronting their own show.

TV bosses for ITV1 have now commissioned the supermarket show that has been running for many years on daytime TV to be taken over by Viscount Linley.

“Dale Winton is to move on from presenting Supermarket Sweep and is already filming the celluloid version of Are You Being Served which is set for release in July and produced by Grundy TV,” Jim Allinson, the excited director of the movie revealed last week during pre-production talks set in the world famous Grace Brothers department store in central London.

A producer for ITV1, Janice Pansy describes the show on the official website:

“Supermarket Sweep is a wonderful TV show where three teams of contestants attempt to earn as much time on their
clocks as possible by answering product and price related questions.
Each team begins with one minute on their cock, but can earn 10
seconds for answering one of Dale’s easy-peesy questions about food or
Heat-style celebrity gossip. The first member of each team plays the
first two rounds, they swap over for the next two, and the “Round
Robin” free-for-all at the end involves the players pointlessly
swapping positions after every single question.Then the real fun begins when there is a free for all with the shopping trolley as contestants try to stuff as much as they can into their trolley. Dale usually gets a few kisses at the end from the contestants and is sometimes fondled by the male contestants much to his enjoyment.”

The new presenter will surely bring a right royal twist to the show and remember campers: “The next time you’re at the checkout and you hear the beep..
[bip-bip], think of the fun you could be having on Supermarket
Sweeeeep!”

1...713714715...733Page 714 of 733
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.