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Paul McKenna Promises to Make You Slimmer

Ronald MacDonaldson
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0
Paul McKenna Promises to Make You Slimmer

McKenna is on a holiday in the Cayman Islands and stops off at the tax-haven regularly to check on his millions. He has used hypnotherapy to acquire huge amounts of cash from the general population and is not stopping while he is ahead.

According to his website, Mr McKenna charges £250 plus VAT for the
day-long seminars that promise to “completely re-pattern your thoughts
– and ultimately programme your mind to slim your wallet”.

His bestselling books, with titles like “I Can Make You Rich”, come at hefty price tags of £20.99. We wonder who the ‘rich’ one is here?

After one of his ‘seminars’ you will come out and not remember handing over your credit card or writing that cheque for 250 notes.

McKenna, who owns many palatial residences across the world, has made so much money that he uses £50 pound notes for toilet paper.

Last week after filling the ashtray of his £350,000 Bentley, he had an assistant push it into a quarry so he could order another one.

Paul McKenna, who acquired his PHD’s from very reputable universities, is of course fully qualified to extract money from your wallet and he will continue to do so for a very long time whether you like it or not.

You will now click all the google ads on this page…you are feeling comforted…your mouse is moving over an ad and you will click the ad…they are below and to the right of you in red…you cannot miss them…ahhh there they are… etc..etc..etc...

Size Minus Four Models In – Size Zero Out

Ronald MacDonaldson
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4
Size Minus Four Models In – Size Zero Out

I am at London Fashion week and am loving the Size Minus 4 models in town. One of the girls is beautiful in her glorious ‘Rexy’ look. I can actually see her blood flowing through her veins and her internal organs are clearly visible through her translucent skin. The model is wearing a bikini fashioned out of chiffon and it looks fabulous on her.

I ask our resident expert what he thinks of the fabulous Size Minus 4 look pioneered by the fabulous designer Mosher Liebowitz that is sweeping the fashion world.

“Darling, it is so beautiful to see these women walking the catwalks looking like lepers and victims of concentration camps. The fashion business is dominated by us gay men and we hate women. We don’t want women to have curves or be feminine in any way. We control these women and they do as we say. I love the fashion world because it is the only place where us gays have all the power.”

It seems there is definitely a lot of hatred within the fashion world and it feeds down to the brainless models who are sucked in by the cocaine and promise of fame.

Kate Moss, who is actually considered a role model in the skewed world of ‘fashion’, even coined the term ‘Rexy’ in place of ‘Sexy’. She is the poster child of the anorexic, emaciated cocaine-fuelled vapid fashion model and she defends her crown with more stupidity every day.

Size Zero is now out the window and Size Minus 4 is in. The Auschwitz look is the new standard in the self-hating world of fashion models.

I ask Pablo how his stable of models maintain their skeletons.

“We house the models in a closed quarter at a secret location in Milan. There are bars on the windows so the models cannot get out. However, they do not have enough energy to walk more than 15 meters anyway. We feed them one piece of lettuce a day and a trolley comes around with cocaine or amphetamines every half an hour. They are allowed to drink water, but nothing else. Last week we had 3 of them die on us, but we replaced them immediately and now the new recruits have already joined the Elite Modeling Agency. If possible, we begin indoctrination and brainwashing at the ages of 14 and younger.”

What can be construed as dedication to their homosexual masters is merely stupidity for these poor souls who have been misled into believing that female beauty does not have curves.

Self-loathing is the key to the fashion world, where punishment and agony is applauded and suffering is drowned out by Colombian marching powder copiously smeared into their frazzled amoeba brains.

15 Yr Old Boy Awarded ASBO For AK-47 Shooting Skills

Ronald MacDonaldson
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1
15 Yr Old Boy Awarded ASBO For AK-47 Shooting Skills

The 10.32 from Manchester central was all fun and games today when a fifteen year old boy who has already been awarded nine ASBO’s added one more to his trophy cabinet.

The Home Secretary flew into Manchester personally to award the boy his ASBO and also rewarded the youth with an all expense paid trip to Disneyland in Florida in recognition for ‘shooting skills with an AK-47 rifle in a public space’.

The jubilant winner has been named as Kevin Sponger of Moss Side, Manchester.

He was initially spotted by an elderly woman who was shot at with the AK-47 assault rifle, only to be grazed on her ankle by a barrage of machine gun fire. After replacing the spent magazine the boy continued demonstrating his amazing shooting skills by picking off a station worker from 235 yards to jubilant applause from his fellow ‘chav scum’ friends.

A Greater Manchester Police (GMP) spokesman said: “Based on the information we had at the time, a careful assessment was made by a senior, experienced officer as to whether they could leave urgent paperwork relating to minor traffic offences to pursue a real crime.

“As there was only two shooting victims and no traffic speeding offence it was decided that an ARV (armed response vehicle) was not necessary.

“However, as a precaution, community support officers were sent to monitor the scene from afar and let the criminal walk away.”

Manchester, which is renowned for teenage gun play, is now winning the ‘city death league’ with an average of 153 fatal shootings per day. Lagging behind is Liverpool with only 85 fatal shootings a day.

 

 



 
Expanded view of the boy showing off the shooting skills that won him an ASBO award 


Colombian police officers on a fact-finding mission to the UK last month spoke of their fear that their country may end up like Britain.

Chief Inspector Sosa from Cartagena said, “I am in awe of Britain, it is a war zone there. How do your police deal with the deaths and mass crime sprees?”

The British Police officer who was meant to oversee the visit was not available for comment due to an engagement with a desk and about 250 forms to fill in for a petty shoplifting offence.


AK-47 Assault Rifle Information

The AK-47 (Avtomat Kalashnikova 1947) is an assault rifle used in most Eastern bloc countries during the Cold War.

It was designed by Mikhail Kalashnikov and was one of the first true assault rifles due to its durability and ease of use. It remains the most widely used assault rifle.

The AK is simple, inexpensive to manufacture and easy to clean and maintain.

Its ruggedness and reliability are legendary and has been adopted by British youth gangs for this very reason.

Britain’s porous borders have allowed a roaring trade in the AK-47’s which are smuggled in from the former Eastern bloc.

The assault rifles can be picked up for as little as £70 in a pub car park somewhere and are increasing in popularity daily, dropping prices even further.

Archaeologists Find Preserved Mummy in Milan

Ronald MacDonaldson
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0
Archaeologists Find Preserved Mummy in Milan



The 1,500 year old mummy is of a woman in her 50s, believed to be an elite member of the Gianni tribe.

The archaeologists from Italy and the US found the mummy at a site called Casa Casuarina on the west coast near Milan.

They have dated the mummy to about 450 AD.

Unclear death

The presence of fine items such as gold jewellery
indicates the woman was an important person, anthropologist John Versace of Miami University in the US said.

There were also large amounts of cocaine found on the body, especially under the nose, suggesting the woman enjoyed snorting copious amounts of the ‘Devil’s Dandruff’.

But the presence of war clubs surprised the archaeological team.

“Perhaps she was a female warrior. She certainly looks very brutish and would scare the living daylights of most men in battle,” Mr Versace said.

The archaeologists believe she had given birth at least once, but do not know how she died.

The discovery is reported in the September issue of the National Geographic Magazine.

Bush’s Radioactive Dinner Jacket Party Plan in Iran

Ronald MacDonaldson
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0
Bush’s Radioactive Dinner Jacket Party Plan in Iran

The Strait of Hormuz (26°34’0.00″N,  56°15’0.00″E), a narrow passageway connecting the Persian Gulf with the Arabian Sea and separating Iran from the Arabian Peninsula, is one of the world’s vital oil transit chokepoints and famous for the fact that over 20% of the worlds oil goes through it every day.

The Neocon and French party will be hosted by the Iranian contingency headed by the smiling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Oil prices after the dinner jacket soiree will undoubtedly rise to over $450 a barrel.

There will be widespread panic as the bombing party unleashed by the US jets slam into nuclear material holding sites, thus spreading wonderful radioactive dust all over the middle east.

The Israeli contingent will not attend the celebration, but have ordered the US and French to attend the party for them.

The Persian controlled Strait will then be closed for an indefinite period by being blocked by a sunken tanker or two.

‘meanwhile, back at home’

There will be no need to drive a car after this happens because no one will be able to afford any petrol, let alone find any.

Food of course needs to be distributed to the shops, but the fact that there will not be any fuel to do so will inevitably lead to no food in the shops, thus leading to anarchy and unrest.

Governmental oil reserves are only valid for less than a week in most western countries, plus these are only used for emergency services and the army.

 

One last reckless killing spree before the fun is cut off for George


Citizens residing in the West are therefore advised to start hoarding food or growing their own fruit and veg, as well as acquiring bicycles.

The consequences of multiple strikes on Persian nuclear sites by the American, Israeli, French team is apocalyptic, but totally permissible, because people like Cheney and Bush have bunkers – they survive whatever happens. You don’t.

China: 4 MPH Road Speed Limit Upgraded to 6 MPH

Ronald MacDonaldson
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0
China: 4 MPH Road Speed Limit Upgraded to 6 MPH

China will initiate its first ever nationwide “6 MPH speed-limit increase day” this weekend in an effort to promote highway efficiency on urban roads, state press said Monday.

Residents in 108 cities will be able for the first time to increase their speed by 2 MPH on the nation’s first “6 MPH speed-limit increase” on Saturday, the China Daily reported.

“The move is an attempt to raise residents’ journey times in the country’s cities. Instead of traveling at 4 MPH they will now be able to travel at 6 MPH even at peak times,” the paper proudly said.

This brave move has been made possible by decreasing traffic levels by 1.2 billion vehicles so that the remaining 2 billion vehicles can now drive on the roads at increased speed.

Government officials and state-run enterprise employees in some cities would be encouraged not to drive, while other urban centres would ban government-owned cars from taking to the roads altogether, it added.

A week-long campaign to publicise the government’s goal of getting 8 percent of the nation’s urban residents to use public transport instead of private cars would also be initiated, it said.

China’s car industry has been a key component of the nation’s booming economy with vehicle production rising by 62.7 percent in July compared to the same period last year.

Downtown Beijing vista on a sunny clear day

 

Beijing, which will hold the Olympics, has a visibility of only 1 metre on a good day.

The air pollution created from 45 million vehicles on Beijing’s roads is so bad that it is equivalent to smoking 400 cigarettes a day and ingesting huge amounts of lead directly into the lungs.

Alan Greenspan Admits Iraq War was Really for Oil

Ronald MacDonaldson
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0
Alan Greenspan Admits Iraq War was Really for Oil

The striking revelation that the Bush Government lied to its people and invaded Iraq for oil has also been compounded by news that the sky is blue, Fox News is a Neocon propaganda lie-machine, bears are linked to excrement in the woods, the Pope has ties with the Catholic church and George W Bush is a lying war criminal who should be impeached.

Greenspan is quoted in his biography as saying: “I am saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what
everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil.”

There was surprise around Capitol Hill at the astounding revelation that oil conquest was the chief reason for the illegal Iraq invasion. One US Republican Senator, Bill O’Coulter, who is on the board of directors of Halliburton, spoke out against the claims. “I’sa tells you’se peoples, I knows in my heart that our great commander in chief invaded Iraqs because Saddam was a bad man and wuz gonna send rockets to the US of A in 15 minutes, he had weapons of mass destructions and nucelear missiles ready to go, we had to invade them because Saddam invaded America on 911, he wuz responsibles I know cuz the CIA said so and so did our President.”

Sixty five percent of the American population still believe and are told by their media daily that Saddam Hussein was responsible for 911.

Greenspan who is a coward, of course did not voice his opinion at the time. He wholeheartedly endorsed the invasion which was a violation of the U.N. Charter and as such a war of aggression and therefore a war crime.

The oil fuelled greed operation and occupation of Iraq has to date caused the deaths of over 750,000 Iraqi civilians and the deaths of over 3500 US soldiers. It has caused the largest mass displacement of people in the middle east in modern history as well as causing one of the largest environmental disaster zones ever through the distribution of depleted uranium en masse.

US Soldiers died for oil profits and not to protect their nation. They were lied to and have been made a fool of.

There are no surprises from a country which tried to impeach Bill Clinton for receiving a blowjob and yet refused to impeach a President who has murdered thousands of humans for profit and has taken the USA into further debt and near collapse morally as well as monetarily.

Northern Rock to be Renamed Northern Pebble

Ronald MacDonaldson
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0
Northern Rock to be Renamed Northern Pebble

Speaking from his plush offices in Newcastle Upon Tyne, we asked the Chief Executive of Northern Rock about the name change and what it means for the company.

“Northern Pebble is a more appropriate name for the company now. Our shaky business has been somewhat worn down by many factors like not having any money.”

We asked him a question about banking. Is it an integral part of banking to have money?

His answer, “Yes and no. We acquire money from other institutions at low rates, and then sell these ‘iou’s’ onto our customers at higher rates. The financial institutions stopped lending us money on the 8th of August because of the Sub-Prime market debacle in the US.”

The US sub-prime mortgage crisis was caused by corporate greed, ignorance, envy, and stupidity.

The Bank of England has agreed to print more paper money to offset the massive blackhole that has been left by this immense disaster. The money printing operation will be a 24 hour operation and go on for as long as it takes whilst other dodgy institutions like Barclays are also artificially propped up.

During the interview we were interrupted by a knock on the door. The bailiffs had come around to take the furniture and laptop computer that Mr Applegarth was typing on.

“Our customers have nothing to worry about. Northern Pebble is a solid business model and the BoE has stepped in to help us. They are printing more bank notes as we speak.” Mr Applegarth was then carried away in his chair by three burly men.

Well, there you have it. All it takes is the Bank of England to print more money, and we’re all ok. Isn’t that wonderful?

General Petraeus Updates George W Bush on Successful US Defeat in Iraq

Ronald MacDonaldson
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0
General Petraeus Updates George W Bush on Successful US Defeat in Iraq
After Gen. David H. Petraeus updated the Supreme Commander in Chief of the western world, George W Bush, last Monday there was further clarification on the level of defeat that has been meted out to US forces in Iraq.George W Bush has praised General Petraeus in engineering the successful failure of the Surge which was intended to quell insurgant attacks on the fortified US forces and bring stability to war-torn Iraq.In the South, the British have successfully retreated to the airport and handed over their duties to the Iraq police. These duties include being killed and maimed by IED’s, being blown to bits by suicide bombers and being constantly mortared to death.

George W Bush, having met Abdul-Sattar Abu Risha when he visited Iraq last week, ensured his immediate assassination by aligning the US with him. They do not call him the reverse Midas Touch President for nothing.


The President said he expects to be able to
reduce troop levels to pre-surge levels by next summer and said it is
possible to achieve U.S. objectives in Iraq over the next 300-400 years.


Every district in liberated Baghdad is now separated by concrete walls

Appearing with Petraeus was U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker. “There is one single moment at which we can claim victory. And that is in our utter and total failure in Iraq,” he said.

House Republicans maintained that failed military achievements in Iraq warrant further investment and faith in the president’s defeated policies.

“The increased presence of this force in Iraq has produced greater anarchy and destruction, so let’s be honest: the military surge is truly winning in failure,” said Armed Services ranking Republican Duncan Hunter, R-Calif.

 

New Study Reveals Junk Food Bad for You

Ronald MacDonaldson
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10
New Study Reveals Junk Food Bad for You

A new study conducted in the British Isles has discovered that feeding your children with junk food leads to health problems.

Sharon is from Scunthorpe and feeds her seven children with large amounts of junk food every day.

A typical lunch for one of her children will include a happy meal, 2 meat pies, chips, a packet of crisps and 3 double chocolate glazed donuts with a dollop of lard on the side to bite on.

We ask her how she affords to feed her children on such expensive fare. “Since I been made pregnant at 12 I been getting benefits.”

She divulged that she receives £1750 per week for her seven children, and has her council tax paid for as well as her 40 cigarette a day habit.

All her children are now obese and Sharon herself is hugely obese too. Last October she did not realise that she had been pregnant for 9 months and gave birth in the Benefits Office whilst picking up her Giro. Apparently the baby just fell out when she stood up in the waiting room.

The unhealthy obesity epidemic is increasing in weight daily, especially in Northern England where the tradition is to fry everything they eat in lard and consume large amounts of meat pies and burgers, washing it all down with high sugar soft drinks or ale.

The Daily Squib asked Sharon at what age she started feeding her children high sugar drinks as well as junk food. She replied nonchalantly that it was the norm to be taking the children to fast food restaurants by the age of 6 months.

Life expectancy, especially in deprived areas of Northern England and inner city areas across the UK, are lower than they were in Victorian England and at the height of the polluted Industrial Revolution. Coupled with the fact that more people are being shot and stabbed in the streets every day by junked-up children with guns and knives, life expectancy plummets even further into the abyss.

The already overburdened NHS is in dire straits as the fodder of poverty amasses on its cardiac arrested shores every second of the day, with a black hole where billions of pounds are haemorraged by the wasteful Labour Government in irrelevant policy.

When America sneezes, Britain catches a cold. Except this time the junk food bug is the unholy American import.

“Some may argue that poverty has always been around in Britain and unhealthy lifestyles part and parcel of this fact. The difference with the past however is that when the poor and ignorant were ill due to their horrible lifestyles they would simply die. Now, however, it is up to the NHS to cure them all and at a very high cost to healthy responsible tax payers,” an anonymous source told us yesterday from a hospital in Northern England.

Thus after much deliberation, the lofty conclusion that ‘junk food’ is bad for you as reported by all the papers is totally redundant because as long as there is production there will be mass consumption and a resultant burden on society.

Next week : Why jumping from aeroplanes without parachutes is bad for you

The week after that : Why Junk Food is Good For You

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