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Fidel Castro Endorses Obama

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Fidel Castro Endorses Obama

The former Cuban president gave a qualified endorsement to Mr Obama whom he described as “the most-advanced candidate” in the race for the White House.

The welcome support of the ailing revolutionary icon is likely to engender more support for Barrack Obama as a true uniter of people and nations.

It was only a few months ago when Obama was endorsed by white supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan as reported first in the Daily Squib Newspaper.

The geriatric Republican nominee, McCain, has consistently tried to exploit the support offered for Mr
Obama by Hamas, the KKK and now Fidel Castro but has backed off after warnings from his doctor about getting too excited.

Writing in his regular column in the state-run Granma newspaper, Mr Castro noted that Mr Obama is a uniter of the nation  of Cuba and the United States, unlike all the other “useless” candidates.

“Obama’s doctrines can be translated as a formula for hunger for true unity. I have seen his following and followers’ dedication to this great man, when he has brought the KKK to endorse him and bring unity back to the USA, when he will halt the embargo on Cuba once and for all and bring us our just rights, he is a man of true standing and honour,” the 81-year-old former president wrote, referring to Mr Obama’s unitary qualities.

The Illinois senator said he would rescind all trade sanctions against Cuba as long as they relinquish some of their communist ideals incorporating them within the United States. Obama also vowed to ease restrictions on US-based exiles travelling to Cuba and sending money to relatives — a further gesture of friendship between the two countries.

His chief strategist meanwhile forecast that Mr Obama would cross the finishing line in his marathon with Senator Hillary Clinton for the Democrats’ nomination next week, when South Dakota and Montana are the final states to vote.

Ranjit Bindi Chakrabati told the Daily Squib: “We’re very close now. When the primaries end, I think, we’ll be where we need to be … We’ll be at the number we need to claim the nomination.” By the campaign’s calculations, Mr Obama only needs a further 49 delegates to achieve the simply majority of 2,026 needed to win.

However, the party’s rules committee, manipulated by the Clinton’s, meets on Saturday and would raise the victory threshold if it agreed to include some or all of the delegates from Michigan and Florida, who have so far been
discounted as a penalty for the states’ decision to hold early primaries.

Mrs Clinton is fighting a bitter war and is pushing for all their delegates to be counted, after winning uncontested primaries in both states. Their inclusion would however only reduce her deficit to about 90 delegates,
who will vote at a convention in August.

UFO Spotted in Blackpool

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UFO Spotted in Blackpool

Johnson Phuckah from Blackpool got in contact by email this week with this startling photograph which appears to show a suspected UFO in the Pier area of Blackpool. He writes – “I am writing to see if you would be interested in a picture which was taken on my mobile phone yesterday.

It was taken whilst walking on the pier itself. I realised that there seemed to be an unusual object in the sky and decided to take a picture.

On examination it seems to be a saucer-like object flying not far above the pier over the sea.” He wonders if anyone else saw it? Perhaps there were some of those hot air balloons in the vicinity. . .?

Hillary Hoping for Osama Assassination

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Hillary Hoping for Osama Assassination

Hillary Clinton has given many reasons for remaining in the presidential primaries, but when she mentioned assassination  of a well known terrorist as a rationale for staying in the race, she increased her bid for the Democratic nomination.

Mrs. Clinton showed her true American patriotism while she was campaigning in South Dakota yesterday, when asked by a newspaper editorial board about calls for her to concede the Democratic nomination.

“My husband did not bend over for the terrorists like Osama, right?” she told the Sioux Falls Argus Leader. “We all remember that Osama is an evil man and needs to be assassinated, like tomorrow. You know, I just, I don’t understand it. We need to get on this ASAP!”

Hillary Rodham Clinton has now been hailed by all of the US media as a true American patriot and her ratings have already surpassed her political rival Obama after her call for the assassination of Osama. Obama may have much superdelegate support at the moment but cannot compete with some ‘good ol’ American Patriotism’.

Obama was quoted in the Huffington Post as saying: “What Hillary said about wanting Osama assassinated is just sheer true American patriotism and we gotta just love her for that. That Osama dude needs a bullet in the head and if my name ain’t Obama I agree with Hillary 110%.”

A Washington Post poll recently put Hillary 8 points ahead of Obama after she made her Osama assassination calls.

Jade Goody to Replace Carol Vorderman on Countdown

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Jade Goody to Replace Carol Vorderman on Countdown

Brain box, hot totty scorcher and daytime TV debt seller, Carol Vorderman is being replaced in the cult TV show ‘Countdown’ by Jade Goody.

“Carol has been poached by satellite channel Debt and Loans TV24 where she will be making peoples lives alot better by selling them overpriced loans consolidating already expensive loans 24 hours of the day. We wish her the best of luck in her endeavours and want to thank her for many years of wonderful service with the Countdown team,” John Alexander, series producer said.

Jade Goody has been chosen out of millions of hopefuls who attempted to take the key role but were pipped at the post by the ex-Big Brother contestant.

 

Jade Goody on Countdown is a surefire ratings winner for the channel


“We need to appeal more to the working-class person and Jade is the one to do it. We’re dumbing down the show for her low-intellect but on the positive side, we will be gaining ratings because more of the population will be attracted to watch her stunted mentally deficient single brain cell farting uncontrollably,” Mr Alexander told the Sun newspaper.

Part of the show involves a mathematical exercise where a number between 101 – 999 is chosen by CECIL, the countdown numbers computer. Contestants then have to get the final answer utilising six numbers given to them in 30 seconds. Producers for the new series of Countdown, after hearing of Jade Goody’s appointment, have scrapped this part of the show and replaced it with a game of Noughts and Crosses. There has been some debate that this in itself may be too much for Jade Goody, so have decided to supply Ms Goody with a concealed earpiece where an expert in the wings can advise her on what to say next.

Jade Goody was on holiday in New Delhi this week and was not available for comment.

The new series of Countdown will commence in September.

Human-Animal Hybrids Roaming Britain’s Streets Today

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Human-Animal Hybrids Roaming Britain’s Streets Today

The Human Fertilization and Embryology
Authority (HFEA) were today left reeling in shock after leaked news emerged of hybrid human – animal creatures roaming Britain.

King’s College London and Newcastle University have discovered the breach of security only recently and have now stepped up measures to bring the dangerous situation under control.

Humans within the British Isles have been warned of the very real threat that these hybrid creatures may one day breed.

Researchers have been producing these “cytowaynerooneyplasmic” hybrids that are 10 percent human and 90 percent animal.


A hybrid is swiftly brought under control after escaping its holding pen


Scientists are baffled at how these creatures have been allowed to roam the streets undetected for so long.

Dr Lyle Papamouchka, leading the team at Newcastle University, said:
“These hybrid mutant creatures are a credit to our skill in modern scientific process.

“We have created base creatures that are a throwback to a pre-Neanderthal age. A knuckle-dragging species stuck in a long lost time before modern humans found civilisation.”


The Hybrids are seen as a danger to humans

Because of the threat that these hybrid creatures may start breeding, there will have to be a mass cull of their numbers.

In the British Isles there are millions of these animal-human hybrids roaming the streets.

“They have a very limited brain capacity and their intelligence levels are that of a goldfish. They are predisposed to violence and aggression as well as unprovoked vandalism. Needless to say, they should be approached with extreme caution,” Dr Lyle Papamouchka warned.

Grave News as Supreme Leader Comrade Brown Hospitalised

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Grave News as Supreme Leader Comrade Brown Hospitalised

Condolences for our great unelected leader

It was after dining at the Crewe and Nantwich sector during the tour of Soviet Britain that our great unelected comrade was taken ill.

Our supreme commander was attending a presentation of the British Soviet Agricultural  revolution in the Crewe and Nantwich sector when he was invited to sup on some of the food that the proletariat exist on. Comrade Brown is very proud of the British Soviet forced collectivization of agriculture that he has pioneered and the wonderful delights of simple proletariat foods.

“Comrade Brown was presented with some of the local specialty prole food, Crewe cabbage soup and a delightful side dish of cabbage pickle washed down with a gulp of weak local ale. He looked alright after consuming it and gave an almighty burp and a hearty laugh at the joys of eating food that the proletariat consume,” commissar for agriculture Hilary Benn said.

Comrade Brown was then taken ill during the inspection of the British Peoples Soviet potato display. It seems that bourgeois elements spouting their useless democratic diatribes may have infiltrated the Crewe and Nantwich Soviet agricultural festival and sabotaged the supreme comrade’s cabbage feast.

Politburo officials cordoned off the area and are combing the vicinity looking for anyone wearing a top hat and tails.

We wish our supreme comrade Brown a speedy recovery from this minor setback to his ten year plan as an instrument to the Age of Change and British Soviet Cultural Revolution.

UK Fuel Tax to be Increased Again

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UK Fuel Tax to be Increased Again

Our
supreme unelected leader and comrade who has brought our nation back
from the brink of disaster from the spoils of that pusillanimous
traitor Comrade Blair, today announced a further 2p rise award on fuel
tax.

The supreme unelected comrade has so far awarded proles a
wonderful 20p increase in fuel tax for 2007 alone. Fuel prices are now
at £1.29 per litre.

Since Labour has come into power, fuel tax has risen by 59 pence.

Of the £1 paid for every litre of fuel, 71.5p
is tax. A total of 24p goes to the oil producer, 2.5p to the retailer
and 1p to the supplier.

“You can shit in an Englishman’s soup
and he would lap it up without any questions. They are a very pliable
people who take things that other nationalities would balk at. We keep raising fuel taxes year on year and they take it lying down. It’s as if they enjoy being punished for being slave-like cash cows,” said a
senior member of the Information Ministry, proudly extolling the announcement of yet more taxes.

The
general population greeted the further increase in petrol prices with
applause and cheers for our supreme leader comrade Brown, who announced
the tax hike from his dacha deep in the mountains of Sector 101
(Northern Britain).

Stasi
officials at Whitehall say that the increase in tax award is a necessary process so as to increase state funds after the many Labour schemes over the last ten years which have gone disastrously wrong.

With the heavy worldwide increase of oil prices per barrel reaching $139, the UK is now the most expensive country in the world to fill up your car because of the massive fuel taxes the government has seen fit to add.

Perpetrators of any dissent will be punished

 

Like good citizens in the United Soviet Nation of Britain there has been no sign of any dissent amongst any of the non-party officials who do not have state expense accounts. However, in case of the unlikely event of any dissent ever arising we have released tips on what party members can do.


I am happy to pay any fuel tax increase with a big smile on my face. I
will never ask any questions or show dissent for the huge tax increases.
Mr Parsons
Sector 234 East Glamorgan

Tips on how you can report dissenters  of huge fuel tax hikes

 

The Politburo office in Whitehall is issuing guidelines on how to spot any dissenters of Comrade Brown’s fuel tax hikes:

 

  • Citizens who curse our leader at petrol stations will be arrested.
  • Anyone
    who blocks the fuel lane whilst staring at the fuel price in disbelief
    will be arrested immediately for delaying fuel revenue collection.
  • Thought-crime of any kind relating to huge fuel tax rises will be severely punished.
  • Hoarding of fuel will be punishable with death or a 40 year working holiday in a Labour eco-gulag.

 

 


News of an all expenses trip to Beijing

Comrades and senior party officials, we are delighted in being invited to the upcoming Beijing Olympics where we will all enjoy an all-expenses paid trip.

It is to the credit of the masses who pay such high fuel taxes that we are able to benefit from their hard work.

The Beijing Olympic trip will only cost a mere £500,000 per Labour delegate, although we should be prepared if Comrade Prescott attends as his share of tax-expenses will exceed £2.7 million for the food bill alone on the two week trip.

High ranking Stasi officials can also claim for an increase in expenses because of the massive windfall from increased fuel taxes as of next week.

Notice: B64584 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Oil Futures Surge as Bush Plans Iran Invasion

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Oil Futures Surge as Bush Plans Iran Invasion

 

In a last gasp effort to cause armageddon, George W Bush and his evil cronies in the White House plan to escalate war further in the Middle East and precipitate the beginnings of a large-scale nuclear conflict thus creating even more mass world unrest than there already is now.

Not content with the perpetual War of Terror he has created already, George W Bush is rushing to speed things up with an imminent attack on Iran.

The Persians when attacked will simply close off the Straits of Hormuz and the world oil price will rise to $400 per barrel or even more. Strategically speaking, invading Iran is a suicide operation that could only be attempted by an insane religious zealot alcoholic moron with severe mental retardations and a fervent penchant for psychotic pleasure derived from hurting millions of people from his armchair — thus George W Bush fits the bill with precision.

Preparations have been underway for the Iran attack for quite some time. The US military and naval build up within the Persian gulf has been going on for the past year. The plan is probably a joint attack with Israel where there will be high altitude bombing of strategic Iranian nuclear sites similar to the recent bombing by Israel of a Syrian suspected nuclear site in Syria’s eastern desert near the Euphrates River.

Further preparations of the imminent Iranian attack is also the reason why Bush has been filling the 703 million-barrel
Strategic Petroleum Reserve (SPR) in Texas and Louisiana with 66,000 barrels of oil per day.

Oil $300 per barrel before September

Investors are betting that oil prices will continue
rocketing for years to come and the imminent Bush attack on Iran will ensure a good windfall for investors and a good fallout (the radioactive kind) for everyone in the Middle East.

Long-term
oil future prices have jumped at an unprecedented rate in a sign that
investors are buying up stocks of oil en masse to preempt the invasion of Iran.

The situation is highly volatile since futures prices are almost always lower than today’s oil prices.

This follows a handful of rumours from major analysts that oil prices
could soar towards $400 (£200) when Bush attacks Iran.

Crude
rose above $129 a barrel for the first time in New York amid further rumours eminating from Israel on the planned attack.

There were also some concerns that Opec will not boost output in the coming months
to rein in prices, and that China will increase its oil imports in the
wake of its earthquake. Brent crude was trading $2.60 higher at a
record $127.66 in late trading.

Even more significant, however, is that futures prices have risen higher still.

Traders worldwide and investors are already factoring the cost of another American war in the Middle East with Iran as the next victim of US posturing and attempts at hegemony.

This time, however, Bush and his apocalyptic horsemen of doom are going to bring upon their ‘rapture’ with one last flurry of the dice.

“With the increase in oil prices we see an increase in cost to deliver vital goods and food to the consumer. This results in massive inflation and unaffordable costs for basic goods. We advise people to start growing vegetables in their gardens and stockpiling canned food and water because when Bush presses the button, you can say goodbye to the supermarket. The government will not help you and we will all have marshal law where you will be shot on sight by troops for trying to get food or water for your family,’ Yitsak Hymie wrote in the Jerusalem Post on Tuesday.

Ample physical evidence exists in the stepped-up US military
deployments in the region, with the Navy once again having two
aircraft carrier battle groups — the USS Lincoln and the USS
Harry S. Truman — within striking distance of Iran.

Meanwhile, the flagship of the 6th Fleet, the USS Mount Whitney,
has been deployed off the coast of Lebanon in what the Navy has
described as an “unscheduled mission.” The ship is the
Navy’s most advanced command, control and intelligence vessel,
capable of coordinating a major attack over a wide region. It
joined the USS Cole, a missile destroyer, already there.

Comrade Gordon Brown to Put Tax on Taxation

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Comrade Gordon Brown to Put Tax on Taxation

Speaking from the Westminster duma on Tuesday, our esteemed leader and supreme commander in chief, comrade Gordon Brown, outlined a new package of taxes that will be introduced immediately for all workers, party members and proleteriat.

A Fair Tax on Tax

“Dearest Comrades, I know you have been paying high taxes so that my new vision of change and ten year Soviet British plan can be implemented. Comrades and plebiscite, I have welcomed your contributions to our state when you have been going hungry, when you have not had enough to heat your dwellings, where you have not had enough food to even feed your mules and decrepit horses. I understand your plight comrades but I will ask another favour of you. Yes, I have seen fit to install a tax on taxation itself — because there is nothing left which has not been taxed. I thank your sacrifice to the state and our Soviet dream of poverty for every citizen of our Soviet British Nation is well and truly being fulfilled every day. Once again, I, your supreme unelected leader thank you for the ultimate sacrifice to the state.”

There were applause from all who were gathered within the great British Soviet duma at the news that Gordon Brown’s huge taxes on the people would be also taxed.

After the massive tax hikes of recent months and heavy taxation over the period of the last ten years on every commodity or service in the Soviet Nation of Britain — to be taxed on the actual tax is just a mere formality.

Those who do not appreciate the new tax on tax will be assigned for re-education in one of Comrade Brown’s Eco Camps deep in the Soviet Labour heartland of Northern Soviet Britain.

Heroic Bolshevik fighters have also been sent to the Crewe and Nantwich sector where a democratic uprising has been thwarted and smashed by our Soviet revolutionary fighters who have restored Comrade Brown’s Vision of Change.

Commissar for Re-Education, Ed Balls has also been personally assigned by Comrade Brown to oversee that all sectors accept the new tax on tax without any discourse or dissent. Any thought-crimes will be monitored and punished severely with possible neutralisation and fines.

Long Live Comrade Brown and the Labour Party INGSOCK Notice: B34521

How Russell Brand Vows to Conquer America

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How Russell Brand Vows to Conquer America

Russell’s got his little Booky Wook out and notched off another continent that he has nearly conquered. Going from strength to strength this winker has got his sights on getting his winky out and conquering the whole winking world.

The Early Winky Brand Years

Russell Brand became the Tiddlywinks national champion at the age of 12 when he pioneered the pot-squop and won the national championship held in Grays Essex.

“I remember Russell winning the championship. He was a real tour de force and no one could stop his Winking mania. He was a wee lil winker and won the Silver Wink semi-final between Grays and Dagenham after 5 hours 20 minutes of play,” Johnson Subbuteo, ex-Tiddlywinks world champion told the Daily Squib.

Russell has been playing with his winky ever since and has even written a few booky wooks detailing his winker techniques and the wonderful tales he recounts of his winky world adventures.

Dipping the Wink in the Pot

“I first realised I was a winker when I completed a double-squop at my first competition and saw that wink drop in the pot winning me the competition and scooping me the prize of 35 pence. From then on I couldn’t go a day without ploinking my tiddly in a pot,” Russell told Winking World, the official journal of the English Tiddlywinks Association.

Conquering Brand America

It was only recently that Russell got his end away with the American Winky contingent and he has been winky deep ever since.

The jealous American border authorities actually attempted to bar him from re-entry into their territory because he was seen as a threat to their tiddlies.

“George W Bush may have personally ordered the barring of Russell Brand from America’s borders because he was seen as a threat to American supremacy in the Tiddlywinks world. If President Bush allows Russell in, then everything the Americans have ever worked for could be lost for ever – it would be a bloomin’ disaster for ’em,” Reg Cockwaith of the West Glamorgan Tiddlywinks Club says.

 


 

Russell Brand was recently photographed at his Los Angeles ranch-style
Beverly Hills mansion posing with his collection of Tiddlywinks.

 

“It’s as if he’s digging for gold such is his ferocity and passion in winking. I’ve seen him go from one wink to another in less than a minute, he drills away with his tiddlies and squops in the pot like a man obsessed,” grandmaster Tiddlywink Sensei Alan Pounder writes in the June ETA edition.

According to Russell he has no colour preference for winkies and treats them all the same.

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