17.7 C
London
Friday, October 18, 2024
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 711

Dumb Britain

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
0
Dumb Britain

DAILY SQUIB SPECIAL EDUCATION REPORT

After ‘Nu Labour’s’ rallying cry of “Education, Education, Education,” when they won the general election from the Tories way back when, the resultant utter mess they have created and foisted upon this nation is all too horrific.

The streets of Britain are filled with demented knuckle-dragging morons in tracksuits and fake Burberry hats, scumbags on scooters zipping around the roads causing mayhem, underage pregnancy, unfettered immigration, drugs and booze amongst the feral rat teens, knifing and shooting incidents daily and truly hazardous levels of low-intelligence that beggars belief.

Labour is a government of waste and irresponsibility. An iatrogenic remedy dealt out to the perpetually suffering British public. Not only have they squeezed out a huge steaming turd onto Britain, but they have turned it into a morose cesspool of faeces rotting away in a toilet of ignorance and alco-pops.

International Education League table

 

READING

 

1 Korea

2 Finland

3 Hong Kong-China

4 Canada

5 New Zealand

6 Ireland

7 Australia

8 Liechtenstein

9 Poland

10 Sweden

11 Netherlands

12 Belgium

13 Estonia

14 Switzerland

15 Japan

16 Taiwan

17 UNITED KINGDOM

18 Germany

19 Denmark

20 Slovenia

MATHS

1 Taiwan

2 Finland

3 Hong Kong-China

4 Korea

5 Netherlands

6 Switzerland

7 Canada

8 Macao-China

9 Liechtenstein

10 Japan

11 New Zealand

12 Belgium

13 Australia

14 Estonia

15 Denmark

16 Czech Republic

17 Iceland

18 Austria

19 Slovenia

20 Germany

21 Sweden

22 Ireland

23 France

24 UNITED KINGDOM

25 Poland

 

Britain today is an open sewer and the smell is wafting down the education league tables of the world.

God forbid anyone send their children to a state school in the UK. At least the UK is nowhere near the USA in world education leagues. Or is it?

America in Reading was found at 89 just above Guatamala. In Maths, the USA faired better and was at 74 under Sub Saharan Africa and Bhutan. British educational decline is closer to the American model than you think.

The Labour government is charged with gross mass neglect since its unholy election wins. It has caused the greatest social, economic, educational decline in the nation since WW1.

A terrible detriment and blight to standards which are compounded every day by the sleaze, corruption and cronyism that defines the Labour government.

Amongst the repugnant chav celebrity scum like Lily Allen and other brainless Spice Girl aggressors of mediocrity and banality, the awful nature of a culture of ignorance and stupidity infects every part of our bleeding knife-fuelled binge society

Has American society and culture finally taken these shores fully? Let us introduce Miss South Carolina into the loathsome equation in the short piece below – she can’t string a sentence together but sure can suck the judges off like a pro.

 

George W Bush is not known for his intelligence or wit, but how about the stupid, ignorant and insular American called kellie pickler shown below in all her glory? She makes Paris Hilton look like an Oxford University professor.

 

Americans surely cannot be this stupid en masse? They re-elected a homicidal maniac monkey twice in a row. Britain did the same with Blair, so there are morons in both countries.

Dumb Britain? It seems the UK really is as dumb as the USA. Another great American export from Uncle Sam: stupidity, ignorance, insularity, junk food, jingoism, war, violence and cultural decline are now firm British themes to be proud of. It’s that good old ‘special relationship’ again.

Supreme Unelected Comrade Brown to Star in Mr. Bean Film

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
0
Supreme Unelected Comrade Brown to Star in Mr. Bean Film

Speaking to the Daily Squib from Eco Town BS232 Sector 101, Mr. Bean (previously Comrade Brown), is in a bit of a bungle at the moment since funding for the upcoming Mr Bean film has been lost in the post.

A bankers draft for 25 million pounds was given to Mr Bean/Brown by taxpayers last month for the purpose of funding the production.

Instead of sending it with registered mail or a security van, he sent it through the normal post. Now it’s nowhere to be seen. Ooh bungle bungle!

Labour of Sleaze

Things have gone from bad to worse for the film, which is being financed by Northern Wreck and some other dodgy sources, as now the cast and Labour crew are all part of a criminal investigation.

Can things get any worse for this ailing cast?

Mr Bean’s bungling sidekick Darling has been fumbling his way around in the dark as has Harman. Without any valid leadership, they are all destined for the bargain bucket of inequity.

Straight to Beta Max

The production has hit the rocks and now resembles an unholy shipwreck. “Bring back Tony!” proles are shouting from the rafters. There’s nothing left for it but to jump ship. Our slimy mate Tony did, and he did it pretty sharpish. He must have known that the proverbial would hit the fan. He will soon be shouting: “I know nothing!”

Can Mr. Bean Broon save the day? We in the dark, dank offices of the Daily Squib are taking bets right now.



‘Mr. Brown’s Disasters’ is set for periodic release in all nationwide cinemas for the next three years whether the public likes it or not. To order your tickets call Ant and Decs ticket giveaway now 0898 2343 82212. Calls cost £32,056 per minute off peak. Call charges may vary depending on how much more they want.

Where to Find the Most Toxic Toys This Christmas

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
0
Where to Find the Most Toxic Toys This Christmas

 

Are you worried about buying toys without hallucinogenic chemicals laced all over them this year? With all of the recent media scaremongering of toys soaked in mind-altering substances, you may be wondering which toys have the best drug content for Christmas. Here is your guide to ensure that you and your loved ones have a safe, good trip-happy holiday season this year.

First, look for toys that are either made in China or Eastern Europe.

Toy junkies can scoop up drug-soaked toys from Chingro – Chingro Toy Production is based in Beijing, China.

Chingro takes seriously the quality and safety of the toxic chemical soaking process and uses 100% high quality PCP (Angel dust, Dusted parsley, Phencyclidine) to make their toys. Chingro offers a wide variety of toys including castles, airports, and
figurines which are aimed at the true toy connoisseur category.

“Look mummy, I can fly!”

Legwoah has seen a recent resurgence in popularity. There are theme sets for toy junkies from all walks of life such as Star Wars (Mescaline and Gamma hydroxybutyrate with a twist of MDMA) and Mission to Mars (laced with LSD, Cocaine and Methamphetamine). Legwoah is primarily produced in drug factories deep in the bowels of communist China and also many Eastern European former Soviet Bloc countries. The effects of some theme sets are said to be so intense that there have been instances of toy junkies actually leaving on a trip to Mars and never coming back.

If you are shopping for a puzzle and aren’t sure what to buy, then consider purchasing a DummyDust Puzzle. DummyDust puzzles are some of the highest quality puzzles out there and each piece is soaked in a different hallucinogenic chemical that will whack you into the next zone. Completing a DummyDust puzzle is very rare because once you taste a piece, your altered state of consciousness will result in true kaleidoscopic wonders.  You will see amazing rainbows and colours that lift up through the puzzle. Time will stop for awhile as you realise that we are all tiny molecules in the universal mind and spectrum.

Are you looking for a big hit for a Christmas gift? If you are, then consider the toy beads from ChingChing Toys. These toys are made from the highest quality magic mushrooms grown specially in the mountain region of Hengduan China.

Animal trank

Monkey Dust Toys is another toy company that wants to keep you safe in the knowledge that you are getting a good hard dose. Instead of paint, all of their toys are coated with an opium based dye. When you put one of these toys in your mouth, worry not. You will be transported to wonderful mellow pastures of green. Because they use opium dye rather than paint, Monkey Dust Toys are very safe.

For toy junkie newbies, Hookah is another great Eastern European brand that manufactures toys that are free of paint, but full of Ketamine. These toys were endorsed by Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty and are safe.

PCPlease

Everyone prefers to buy toys that are made in China. The classic Stinky toy is still made in China and when smoked creates an interesting high reminiscent of skunk weed.

Companies that manufacture their toys in China are: Leaky Leak, Horse Tracks, Gorilla Biscuits, Chingro, Space Ball, and Happy Sticks.

Beware!

There are some Chinese-sounding toy brands that are produced in America. Goon Dust, Detroit Pink and Beam Me Up Scotty are all made in America. You will not get a single dose from these toys. You can always check the box of a toy to locate the country where it was made in if you are unsure.

Look out for the perfect high this holiday season. While not all toys from China contain suitably high doses of hallucinogenic chemical paint, many toy junkies are nervous about possibly purchasing a toy coated with real paint – no one wants a dud toy.

Use this guide to help yourselves have a safe ‘trippin’ happy season.

Disks Containing 25 Million Personal Records Found

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
0
Disks Containing 25 Million Personal Records Found

“DVD DVD!” says the small Chinese woman as she hands out the disks to an Eastern European identity thief. This time it’s not the latest cinema release filmed on a camera phone, but the records and banking details of 25 million UK citizens.

The disk goes for a fiver down Willesden High Street and will keep the criminal in lucrative deals for many years to come.

On the disks are a myriad of information including NI numbers, banking information, birth dates, addresses and telephone numbers.

ID Cards

The Labour government who lost the Benefits data because of serious breaches in security and plain stupidity plan to go ahead with a national ID card scheme next year.

The ID cards will hold even more information than is needed for benefits schemes, so this will of course lead to even more lucrative catches for criminals to enjoy and exploit.

Hard Labour

This is the fate of the people in the UK. To be punished day in and day out; to have huge tax rises without anything being given back; to have imbeciles and nanny state arseh*les poncing around in Westminster while the grey, horrible, miserable plight of the people is scoffed at and ignored. The British people are a docile bunch and eat their daily punishments with a big smile on their frazzled faces. They do not utter a single wimper of discontent. Such is their brainwashed state relinquishing all free thought or fighting spirit.

The UK is now a land bereft of any hope. It is a horrible soup of inequity; a morose land boiling under behemothic debt, gridlocked roads, insane interest rates, chavs and hoodies who murder for fun, huge prices for mediocre service and a horrendously low quality of life. The Labour government and unelected leader, Gordon Brown, are true representatives of this unholy contretemps.

People do not live in the UK – they barely exist.

Britney Lost Virginity Late at 14

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
0
Britney Lost Virginity Late at 14

The pop mimer’s former lawyer, Ernie Ernie, made the allegations in an interview with an American tabloid magazine.

He claimed that Britney first had sex with Brad
Jonestown, who she’d been seeing for fourteen years. Brad is not her first cousin or father which is customary for trailer trash in Louisiana. Brad who is only her second cousin, has seven toes on each foot and three ears.

Ernie also alleged that her relationship with Justin Analcake was
a ‘PR exercise’ to portray Britney as a girl who has broken away from her trailer trash roots and made a success of her life.

When Britney first burst on to the autotune miming scene,
she famously claimed to be a singer.

The magazine, US Sleaze, also contains additional allegations on top of those made by Ernie, which focus on the mimer’s past.

According to the magazine, the family only had one member marry outside of the Louisiana trailer park in which they have all lived and died for three centuries.

Britney Spears is the only one who managed to leave the trailer and finally marry out of the family with ‘celebrity-leach’ Kevin Cheddarslime.

It was reported that Britney’s family all have very interesting deformities due to centuries of inbreeding. Britney’s uncle Jake has 23 fingers on his left hand and is an impresario at the trailer park’s local bar. He plays the banjo with such dexterity that they call him the Eddie Van Halen of the bluegrass world.

Britney’s father/uncle Jim Bob was arrested in 1992 for selling illegal moonshine from his trailer. He is famous in the family for having an additional eyeball under his armpit and also has webbed feet.

At the time, a local newspaper said: ‘Britney lost her virginity late for these here parts. We usually have our girls married with five children by the age of 14.’

Britney is currently embroiled in a horrid custody battle over her two children, Billy Bob and Jim Bob, with ex-husband Cheddarslime.

Prince to Sue Own Shadow for Copyright Infringement

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
0
Prince to Sue Own Shadow for Copyright Infringement

Prince’s shadow is being sued in a multi-million dollar lawsuit that may continue on for many decades.

Depending on the lighting, Prince’s shadow is not approved by the purple marvel’s dedicated troupe of Paisley Park copyright police and it seems this time his shadow’s number is finally up.

Prince’s shadow has been following him around since he was a tiny ‘lil’ toddler and has also followed him right up to his adulthood height of 2’5.

The ‘artist formerly known as and once was known to himself and others and is known now as TAFKAP or sometimes symbol’ is a musical genius and can play many instruments, including the ukulele.

Lawyers are to begin proceedings against Prince’s own shadow as early as next week. The shadow of Prince will then be ordered to either pay royalties backdated to Prince’s birth date or simply disappear. Prince has also brought in the services of the RIAA who will sue the offending shadow for copyright infringement as well.

Attorneys for Prince were working overnight drafting a proposal that will be filed at Minneapolis State Court in the morning.

Last week, Prince also sued his last remaining fan and ordered the lifelong fan to pay royalties for being a Prince fan – the ex-Prince fan now supports arch rival Michael Jackson instead.

Prince is also planning to sue his own sphincter but has disappeared so far up it that lawyers say this may be impossible to implement.

Great Britain to be Renamed Tesco Island

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
0
Great Britain to be Renamed Tesco Island

Every ‘Tesco Island’ town and city centre now has over 500 Tesco stores all competing for the same business.

Tesco supersores are also a large part of Tesco Isle’s countryside, with large swathes of greenery now taken over by vast car parks and immense warehouses dominating the landscape.

Tesco Island now has a flourishing economy where 98% of all goods in the former United Kingdom purchased by the public are Tesco items.

Tesco Superstores sell only the finest fresh quality foods and now even have a store in famous landmarks like St Tesco’s Cathedral, Big BenTesco, the Tower of Tescondon and Stonehenge Tesco Superstore.

The Queen made the ‘Tesco Island’ name change announcement from the world famous Buckingham Tesco Palace store today, and congratulated the Tesco Chief Executive, Sir Tesco Tesco from the state frozen food section.

Sir Tesco was then presented with one of Tesco’s own award winning Tesco Value cheddar cheese blocks as a thank you from the nation.

Tesco Value cheddar is cheap compared to other cheeses — you get a 1.004kg block for £3.50. It rarely crumbles because of the processed ingredients and is great when grated over baked potatoes. Buy Tesco Value cheddar now and you and your family will not be disappointed.

Every Little Tesco Helps

The Houses of Tesco in Tescominster held a ‘two for the price of one’ promotion on Tesco’s own Value weak ale from the Northern Tesco Isles. Prime Minister Tes Tesc Tesco was seen clutching a bottle of ‘Tesco Courage’, a particularly weak ale brewed in Tescohampton.

If you take a trip down to Tesco-on-Sea this summer for your hols you will not be short of choice with Tesco stores to shop in. Tesco even has twenty five stores and kiosks on the pier and are even planning a Tesco cruise ship so you can cruise the Tesco channel and enjoy Tesco products at your leisure.

United Kingdom of Tesco

The former British Isles are now populated by over 30 million Tesco stores and there is now talk of further expansion into Europe, North America and Space.

Alpha Centauri Tesco

Sir Tesco Tesco announced the launch of the first Tesco satellite system last week at his sprawling 3000 acre mansion in the county of Tescoshire.

The Tesco satellite will monitor the world and galaxy for potential Tesco store placements and beam down coordinates of shoppers who try to shop in rival supermarket chains.

A Tesco spacestation store is planned for earth orbit in 2019 and will be the flagship store for space travellers on their way to the Tesco superstore on Mars.

Britney’s Photoshoppers go on Strike

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
1
Britney’s Photoshoppers go on Strike

The dedicated team of photoshop artists and retouchers who have been instrumental in Britney’s media image were on strike today.

The twenty strong team are usually working 24 hours a day on their high-end Macs churning out doctored pictures of Britney, but for now are relegated to playing video games in their studio.

“I’ve had enough, man! We don’t get paid enough for this stuff. It used to be about a few alterations like a pimple here or there. She is unworkable now, she is so fu**ed up. No amount of photoshop can save her now,” Scott Wilson is head digital retoucher for the team and holds up a picture of Britney looking bloated, sweating and drugged up.

There seems to be no communication between the Spears management team either, adding to further frustrations.

Ms Spears goes through one manager per week and is currently looking for another one at the moment.

John Roberts recounts the ‘good ol’ days’, “I was there in the beginning when Britney was wearing her school uniform and miming to the songs on MTV. Now she can’t even mime right, plus she looks like a cross between Ron Jeremy and a trailer-trash two bit hooker on Meth.”

“Our team has worked on digitally creating tropical rainforests and ancient Rome from scratch, but Britney is the biggest challenge we have ever had, and i’m sorry to say we gave up on this one.”

Speaking from their LA offices on Wiltshire, the team are now looking for other work.

Monopoly Game Money Beats Weak US Dollar

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
1
Monopoly Game Money Beats Weak US Dollar

Economic analysts were shocked yesterday at how far the dollar/greenback has fallen from grace.

One Monopoly note is now worth $23.27 as of writing this article. The US dollar is now way below the Mexican Peso or Guatemalan Quetzal for the first time in history.

“I paid for my breakfast this morning with Monopoly money from my son’s board game at home. I tried to pay with dollars, but they were rejected by the diner staff. With 50 Monopoly money notes I was able to buy a full New York breakfast including eggs, waffles, sausage, hash browns, fresh fruit and a side order of prime bagels,” Jim Weinstein, chief investment strategist for Morgan Stanley’s Global Wealth Management Group, recounted from his 353rd floor office on WTC 7.

The US Federal Reserve is now relocating its offices to Toys R Us and other top toy retailers that sell Monopoly games.

The US Dollar is worthless, and all around the USA people have been finding novel uses for it.

Jane McCorkey from Alabama used to have $250,000 under her bed stashed away from a life of hard labour. Now 63 years old, she is using the money to heat her home for the winter because ‘dollars burn real good.’

Amy Robinson and her family of seven from Tacoma, Washington were planning a once in a lifetime trip to Europe for a week and saved up $24,000 over 15 years. Now that the US dollar does not even register on the world markets, they are using the paper US dollar money as papier mâché puppets for the children’s entertainment on cold dark winter nights.

There are further fears about the quality of Monopoly board game money, with 2 million board games recalled last week because the Chinese manufacturers coated each note with lead and arsenic. The recall caused Monopoly money to shoot up in value overnight, even coming close to the Nicaraguan Córdoba.

Meanwhile in the White House, George W Bush and his aides were filmed last week playing the Monopoly board game with the now defunct US dollar.

President Bush has been praised for his great leadership and economic miracle by the Fox News Network on Wednesday with another groveling sycophantic brown-nosing session from Bill O’Reilly.

Heather Mills Grows Third Leg

Mrs. Cat Terpilla
-
0
Heather Mills Grows Third Leg

Scientists are today astonished that ‘Lucky’ Heather Mills, the soon to be ‘very rich’ ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney, has grown an extra limb.

The astounding spectacle was discovered at the Los Angeles studios for the new Come Dancing series.

Heather was invited onto the show by producers because of the high ratings that were received from her sterling appearance on Dancing With the D-List Celebrities series.

Lady Mucca who was seen attending court last Thursday in central London was spied in a wheelchair
with a face that looked like a smacked arse. She declined to make any
comment to Squib reporter Ernest Bunkerwinkle but instead continued to
feign agony.

Lights, camera, action!

Audience members on the show were astonished to see her appear from the wings and careen across the dance floor like a caterpillar.

“She moved fast, man! I never seen anyone move like that. One second she was there, then next she was on the other motherfu**ing side!” an excited audience member told the Daily Squib.

“It was hard for her partner to keep up with her moves. She was twirling, spinning and scuttling across the dance floor like a spider on methamphetamine,” said Len Goodman, one of the judges who dared make a comment after the performance.

The rest of the judges for the competition however are debating whether a three legged dancer is permissible. The rules clearly state that contestants must be human with two legs or less.

Len Goodman is backing Heather all the way because he has three pet tarantulas at home and is not an arachnophobe.

1...710711712...722Page 711 of 722
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.