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Barack Obama Meets Michael Dukakis

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Barack Obama has been getting some major endorsements of late. First there was the KKK, next came Al Gore and now Michael Dukakis has come out of the woodwork for one last stab at rocking the election.

White America is bracing itself for the slim possibility of a black president, but all the evidence is now pushing towards a token black candidate going for an election ride of a lifetime.

“America is one of the most racist, fractured and ghettoized nations in the world. Of course
we talk about things like ‘justice for all’ and ‘freedom’, but at the end of the day whites live in one area and blacks live in another. There is no way in hell a black man will ever be president and this election is simply a form of posturing, an illusion of equality in a
sea of racist rhetoric and token candidacy. They’re gonna let him [Obama] run to show that the system ain’t racist, but he ain’t gonna win, no way sir!” a senior Pentagon aide told Fox News’ the O’Reilly
Factor.

You may remember that back in June 1988 Michael Dukakis was leading George Bush by an average of 8.2 percent in the polls. Bush went on to win the general election by 7.8 points.

Bush senior then led the relatively unknown Bill Clinton by 4.9 percent in June of ’92, but managed to lose in November by 5.6 percent. John Kerry led in the June 2004 polls by
an average of 0.9 percent, but lost the popular vote and the election to the incumbent Bush by 2.4 points.

So, while Mr Obama’s leads are certainly signs for Democrats to be optimistic, history points to another loser.

 

Rumer Willis Takes it on the Chin

Rumer Willis has tried everything in Hollywood already — acting, surfing, producing, designing and even flower arranging. Until now she has not found her real forte and being the daughter of the Hollywood equivalent of royalty is not easy on a woman who is an up and coming starlet in her own right.

“I want to be my own star. Dad is the Pulp Fiction Die Hard action man and mom can’t even get roles anymore, but she can still kick it with the gigolos!” Rumer was quoted as saying in The Ring magazine last week.

Rumer Has It

Her boxing trainer is chinstruck at the resilience of this girl. “She’s got more chins than Mount Rushmore! No one can knock her out! I had my prize fighter get in the ring with her the other day and he pounded away at her chin for twenty minutes — nothing! Not even a scratch or wobble of her legs! We’re calling her Concrete Rumer because of that chin,” Vince Gambina, the famous trainer from Golds Boxing gym in Venice Beach, said.

Boxing pundits are already screaming her name: “She works like a heavyweight, swinging looping haymakers careless of where they land, confident that they hurt. Her chin is solid and is made of pure steel. In all my years I’ve never seen such a resilient chin in any boxer, male or female,” Ed Palamino, the famous boxing commentator said after watching her in the gym.

Rumer has been training for her first competition for the past six months and will compete in the women’s IFBA World Junior Bantamweight Championship as Rumer “Concrete” Willis commencing on July 12th at Isleta Casino & Resort in Albuquerque.

Watch this space, folks. Rumer Willis is going to be wading through the competition like a chin through butter.

McCain Cannot Wait to Drive His New Mobility Scooter in White House Grounds

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John McCain, the Republican candidate for the presidential election, is itching to get into the White House. Asked on CNN’s Hardtalk why he wanted to really become president he gave a surprising reply: “I want to test out my McCain-310 mobility scooter on the White House grounds. I’ll be whizzing along at high speed, ripping up the lawn. The thrill of driving through the White House lawn is making me salivate with joy. Oh boy, you should just see the scooter go!”

Lil ol’ rascal

The brilliant mobility scooter that McCain will drive through the White House grounds if he wins the presidency offers Class 3, 7 mph performance and headlight, hazard lights and directional indicators. The supercharged McCain scooter has 12″ tyres, suspension front and rear, and long range batteries. This is a machine that is designed from top to bottom for a president. It is also designed to go over rough ground in great comfort. The McCain-310 Mobile has a 28 stone weight carrying capacity.

The company that designed the McCain-310 mobility scooter have put a lot of effort into their design process and have supplied John McCain with the only working prototype to enjoy himself with until full production starts next year.

“Our future president has piloted the fastest jets in the world during his distinguished military service. Do you think he’s going to stop driving fast machines? Hell no!” a senior GOP representative told the quarterly edition of Scooter Magazine.

Stab Britain: Less Playgrounds and More Graveyards to be Built

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Gordon Brown will today announce at PM’s questions, the plan for thousands more graveyards to be built all over the UK to accommodate the huge increase in knifing fatalities.

Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith also announced a planned phasing down of children’s playgrounds in England and Wales due to the fact that there is less demand for them with parents keeping their remaining children, that are still alive, away.

There will be a further initiative to increase the deterrent for knife crime. Convicted murderers will not be given a verbal caution for their first murder offence as is customary but may have to do a bit of community service wearing jackets designed to be more visible to the public. Convicted knife murderers will also be further deterred of more knife slashing by having their faces published on “conviction posters”, showing their enemies that they have attained great fame for their violent ways.

“It’s a form of tagging but done the Labour way. The more these teens stab and murder the more posters we put up of their faces in public. It is a sort of fame school for teenage murderers, wherein the more stabbing the more notoriety you acquire,” Social worker for Haringey council, Ed Barlow was quoted as saying on BBC’s Newsnight.

 

Pupils from Marshalls Tenbenson School in Romford attend a friends funeral

The increase in stab victims has also left mortuaries full to capacity and with waiting lists of atleast three weeks for fatal stab victims to be processed. Some councils in the Greater Manchester area are getting by with makeshift mortuaries in food depots and Tesco, always the saviour has lent a hand by accepting stab victims into their Salford meat processing warehouse until the council builds another four mortuaries.

By demolishing playgrounds and parks there will be further room to build graveyards and mortuaries under the new Labour initiative.

In the UK there are an estimated 450 stabbings per day of which an estimated 400 are fatal. Since Labour won power in 1997 there has been a remarkable increase in violent attacks in the UK despite the government’s assurance that all is well.

Michael Jackson to Undergo Surgery to Reverse Whiteness

In a statement today released through his spokesman, Edmund Rancheros, Michael Jackson has announced that he wants to get “back to black” and will undergo major surgery to try and undo all the surgery he had done after the Thriller album.

Michael Jackson who has been following the Obama campaign very closely has finally admitted to close friends that he is ashamed of what he has done over the years by trying to change his appearance so radically to be white. He has said that he wants to get back to his roots and his blackness to be “black and proud”.

It was after the mega-selling Thriller album that Jackson acquired a penchant for radical cosmetic surgical procedures and buggery of little boys.

The result of many years of major surgery, his face now looks like a piece of chewed mutton or veal and what is left of the cartilage in his nose hangs precariously from the few sinews left.

Renowned Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Dr. Joshua Lieber has been chosen for an undisclosed sum to undertake the massive task of restoring Jackson to his former self as a black man.

“I am very honoured to be working with Michael Jackson. I am a great fan of his music as are my children. The operation to restore Mr Jackson’s face to its previous incarnation after the thousands of surgeries he has undergone in the past to get to the horrific level of mess he is in now will be very hard and will take over two years. I am very confident of restoring his face to its former self and will be using ground breaking laser surgery to achieve the goal. Michael’s wish is my command.”

The surgical reversal technique is a heavily guarded secret. However, there are whispers that parts of Jackson’s old face may have been preserved and stored away for many years. Jackson’s original nose and ears as well as eyeballs may have been cryogenically frozen during the eighties in a Santa Barbara facility.

Jackson reportedly is $400 million in debt and it has not been apparent how he will pay for the major restorative surgery. There have been rumours of a planned residency in Las Vegas which would pay for the surgery.

“Michael has this notion that if he looks like he used to look during the Thriller period when he was still a bona fide black man, he can turn back the clocks and restore his fortune and destiny as well,” Edmund Rancheros told Ebony magazine last week.

Michael Jackson was not available personally to make a statement because he was off to Tampa with the kids on holiday.

10 Tips to Surviving in Modern Day Britain Under Labour

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With the economic downturn, increased taxes, increased fuel taxes and high oil prices, increased council taxes and bin taxes, increased food costs and shortages.

The Daily Squib has compiled a way that you and your family can survive Gordon Brown’s tax hell Britain.

Britons have faced a 60% increase in fuel charges within the last four months, and there are now threats of increased interest rates as well as increased car tax, bus and train fares and reduced wages. Further increases in mortgage rates and dropping house prices have also added further woes to the beleaguered British public with negative equity about to hit 3 million households across Britain.

10 Tips for Surviving in Labour’s Britain

1. For a small outlay you can grow marijuana in your attic or spare room. This is a wonderful way of supplementing your income. If you have the right contacts you can make up to £40,000 per week tax free or either that smoke yourself into oblivion. Last week marijuana was a Class C drug, this week it is Class B and is scheduled to go back to Class C in three weeks time.

2. Persuade the wife to work in the spare room offering relief to old men and perverts. You can also sell her off to one of the many Eastern European gangs who have been invited into Britain under the Labour government or rent her out. If you can’t persuade the wife, you can always go down the docks yourself and remember to bring lots of lubricant for your arse.

3. Drop your kids off at school and leave them there. Children are a high cost to any household with shoes, clothes, toys, books and council tax.

4. Sell your pets to your local Chinese restaurant. Chinese restaurants will happily pay good money for your pet dogs and cats which can cause unnecessary outlay with pet food, maintenance, insurance and toys.

5. If you can find someone to sell your £1.7 million terraced 2 bedroom hovel in Walthamstow then simply emigrate. Thousands of Britons are emigrating every day to countries where citizens are not taxed and priced out of existence.

6. Commit a crime. Yes, you read this right. By going to prison you will not have to pay heating costs, food costs or rent. You will have a limitless supply of drugs and enjoy your own playstation console, dvd’s, satellite tv and access to full size snooker tables. You can easily be locked up for many years, simply by defending yourself when attacked by one of the many thousands of knife wielding feral teenagers roaming Britain’s streets.

7. Become a welfare leech. You will need about 12 kids and will have to walk around with a tracksuit all day scrounging fags off unsuspecting members of the public, intimidating people with your Rottweilers and bragging about your latest ASBO. Pretty easy under the Labour created ‘benefits-culture’ regime of idleness.

8. Become a welfare cheat. Under Labour’s lax laws for crime, it is easy to swindle the government out of millions per annum claiming the numerous social benefits available. In no time you will be driving around in a Mercedes paid for by the taxpayer and flaunting your huge gold chains.

9. Become a member of Parliament. Easy money, expenses paid for everything. You will never have to pay tax ever again and everything will be free.

10. Shoot yourself.

I Freed Millions from Life, Says President With No Regrets

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Chao Ab Ordo

For a political leader who has rivalled Gordon Brown’s slippery nosedive in the opinion polls in the past year, president George W Bush looked remarkably untroubled by self-doubt as he crossed Europe last week.

The focus back home has shifted to the battle between Barack Obama and John McCain to salvage something out of the carnage and economic turmoil Bush has left behind. But Bush, on his last European tour as American President, is determined to justify the mass killing spree his foreign policy has adopted around the world and especially in the Middle East.

At street level, the president’s visit to Slovenia, Germany, Italy, France and now Britain has sometimes had an almost surreal quality. The war president has calmly spoken of his decisions over the years to kill and murder as many Arabs and Muslims as he can possibly manage. He has spoken of his joy at occupying Arab territory permanently and using up as much of their natural resources whilst systematically poisoning their ‘untermensch’ populations with depleted uranium.

 


Stormtrooper Duff McKagan processes another Iraqi to
soon be freed from living via torture in Abu Ghraib prison

 

On the road to Fiumicino airport in Rome, where as in other capitals on his itinerary the police had far outnumbered any demonstrators, one taxi driver remarked: ‘Bush is a stone-cold killer and murderer, he makes Caligula look like Mother Theresa.’ But when asked what he thought about the US President’s killing technique, the taxi driver replied less favourably: ‘He is not as genocidally efficient as the Germans, they perfected the art of mass murder — this Bush is messy even though he is responsible for millions of deaths and economic turmoil as well!’

Murder by numbers

Bush’s focus, as he made clear in a lengthy Fox News interview before his arrival in London today for talks with Brown, has been on increasing the kill rate of civilians in Iraq whilst minimising the cost per kill ratio. “A missile costs $35,000 and we need to kill more sand-ni**ers per missile to make it worthwhile, hell we even tried frying the bastards with ‘shake and bake’ (white phosphorous) but they’re like ‘roaches’ and always find a way of living.” Bush has stated repeatedly that the ‘Christianization’ and ‘Gitmoization’ of Iraq is a major priority. Indeed, his Christian values are increasingly coming into evidence with his program of demolishing mosques and building pig farms, fast-food restaurants and casinos over the sites.

 


An Iraqi father and son relax during freedom processing

 

On his way to London, Bush was pressing broadly sympathetic leaders in Berlin, Rome and Paris on the issue of ‘assimilation to evangelical born again Christianity through genocide’ for the Middle East, as well as on the need to beef up permanent bases in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Asked what he thinks his legacy might be, he says he is happy to await the verdict of history. But he cannot resist also offering his own, suggesting ‘the liberation of 5 million people from their lives is my goal and I have nearly achieved this target’. Bush’s War of Terror has murdered millions of people in the name of oil profits whilst shutting down all civil liberties, but this is still not enough, he has vowed to reach his kill target of 5 million deaths by the end of his presidency.

Liberation from life

As the jacketless president expanded on his foreign policy strategy in the garden of the palatial 17th-century US ambassador’s residence on a Rome hilltop, he was keen to shift the focus onto the prospect of American military action against Iran. His interest, he said, was in ‘mass nu-cu-lear genocide results’ – in demonstrating sufficient Christian Western might, a volksgemeinschaft of freeing the lebensunwertes leben from their sorry lives.

Asked in the Rome interview about popular opposition in Britain to the war and his presidency, he replied: ‘Do I care? The only thing I care about is not being responsible for more killing and deaths. I am asked everyday if I enjoy the power I have when I order the mass murder of millions of people? Of course I do, I can be playing golf and a call will come through of 500,000 more Iraqis dead — brings a tingle of pleasure down my back every time.’

He remained, he said, convinced that Iraq, and the world, was a better place without Arabs and Muslims. “I am on a mission from God to kill Muslims,” he exclaimed.

‘We didn’t realise, nor did anyone else,’ Bush said, ‘that killing Arabs would so much goddamn fun. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel … we will soon have them eating pork products and watching American dirt movies whilst gambling in Iraqi casinos, ha ha ha hahah ha aha ha ahaha ha ah ahahahahahaha ha .’

 

Traitorous Irish Rebels Attempt to Scupper Soviet European State

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There has been upheaval in the Irish EU Soviet Sector with murmurs of democracy being uttered under the breaths of the people.

Supreme central command in Brussels will see fit to crush any vile ‘democratic’ rebellion and has sent a brigade of Bolshevik troops to crush the abhorrent rebellion.

Unelected Comrade Brown of the Soviet British sector, who answers to the head of the Soviet European State, Comrade Barroso, was on hand to reassure his superiors that there would be no such attempts at democracy in Soviet Britain unlike the rebellious potato munching leprachaunite Irish traitors to the Soviet EU constitution of totalitarian authority led by supreme elite unelected controllers.

Re-Educating the Irish

“Unlike the Irish who have embraced the weak bourgeois tendency to democracy and the right for a vote from the people, Britain will not be encumbered by such ridiculous nonsense. We will ratify the Soviet EU constitution for a totalitarian state and one-world government controlled by a few unelected Soviet European elites. Dearest comrades, it is for your benefit that we will be pushing through this constitution even when the people of Soviet EU Sectors in Ireland, France or Netherlands have voted against it,” Comrade Brown then let out a hearty laugh and was applauded by all in the Westminster duma.

Political Commissar for Re-Education, Comrade Ed Balls, has been ordered to go to Ireland to re-educate the Irish prole masses on how to comport themselves within the Soviet EU. Irish dissenters who do not follow the Comrade Balls EU Re-Education programs will be despatched to eco-gulags.

Elite unelected leaders in Brussels today were talking about inviting Comrade Robert
Mugabe into their ranks because of a great admiration for his techniques in winning over his people in the Eur-African Soviet sector.

Comrade José Manuel Barroso, the president of the European Soviet Totalitarian Commission, said: “The democratic vote in Ireland is not a problem for the proposed Soviet Lisbon Treaty. We will push through the Soviet assimilation process with the necessary Bolshevik
brainwashing processes; 18 Soviet states have already approved the treaty with pay-offs and torture, and the Politburo division believes the remaining ratifications should continue to take their course. I believe the treaty is alive.”

Europe’s elite unelected leaders will simply steamroller their blueprint through despite the Irish rejection. There is no time for such fickle and petty doctrines like ‘democracy’ in the Soviet State of Europe.

Notice: B64345 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo and the Soviet EU State!

Gordon Brown Reduces Gulag Detentions to 42 Years

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With our great Soviet liberties of freedom there are many who think that the 120 million cctv cameras, DNA databases, microchipping, surveillance of all telephone and email correspondence, information databases, fingerprinting, scanners, biometrics, microchipping  and indefinite incarceration in gulags is not enough to ensure our Soviet democracy and freedom.

Our kind and fair great leader of the Soviet State of Britain has announced today that instead of being detained for 65 years, as is customary for anyone who disobeys the great Soviet state, there will be a holding period of only 42 years in a gulag.

“We, as a free country, must uphold the tenets of Soviet Bolshevik freedom in Britain today. I understand that 65 years of hard-labour in a gulag for anyone deemed an enemy of the Soviet state was too harsh and therefore I have been ordered by our great leader to reduce the sentencing to 42 years. The enemies of the Soviet Bolshevik State of England will not thus win a victory against our liberties and freedom,” Comrade Jacqui Smith, Commissar for ABC’s and ASBO’s outlined at a special Westminster duma meeting on Friday.

Thought-crime is also a punishable offence and anyone who harbours bad thoughts or plans on undermining our great Soviet father, Comrade Brown, will be despatched immediately to one of the thousands of gulags situated in sector 101 Northern Britain.

Our supreme unelected leader has outlined in his ten year Age of Change plan to increase gulag numbers to one million so as to contain any dissent of the state’s great workings.

British Soviet prole populations were ecstatic at hearing the news that the jailing period of 65 years has been reduced to 42 years. There were celebrations in sectors 34 – 57 and an extra chocolate ration of one bar was released by our great unelected master Gordon Brown.

We also have news of the bourgeois lickspittle traitor to the Regime of Soviet Change, David Davies. Yes, comrades, he has been despatched to a gulag in Haltemprice and Howden where he will be incarcerated for 42 years of hard Labour.

Notice: B64221 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Damien Hirst Self-Portrait Sells for Record £387 Million

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The self-portrait which was painted by one of Hirst’s many assistants was sold to an anonymous phone bidder at lunchtime today.

The painting is part of the Hirst ‘Arse Series’ where he depicts himself as the contemporary ‘anal bullshit’ con-artist that he is.

“I aim to paint myself as limitless angular momentum in constant toilet flushing flux. My anal sphincter muscles loosen and expel hydrostatic equilibrium into the anus-sphere of existence and of course stick a dead fucking cow in there too,” Hirst writes in Arthole magazine.

Hirst is a well seasoned con-artist and has ripped off many artists including Gerhard Richter’s colour chart series, made between 1966 and 1974 and Austrian artist Alphons Schilling’s ‘Spin’ paintings.