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Eco-Friendly Suicide Belts Being Used in Iraq

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Terrorists in Iraq are becoming more eco-conscious and have introduced the next generation of ‘Green suicide belts’ onto the battlefield.

Sheik Bin Abu Ayham is the mastermind behind the eco-belts, as he likes to call them.

“We want to look after the planet. Everything in the belt is recycled and is built from sustainable organic materials. Even the nails were recycled from the last bombing and the pieces of cloth were woven in an eco-friendly sustainable farm in the Cotswalds. I’m afraid we could not recycle Mahmoud the suicide bomber though, because we could only find a few bits of him.”

Made from durable, waterproof soy polymer and eco-sustainable hemp cloth, these groovy, eco-chic suicide vests are lightweight and portable.

Suicide bombers are also offsetting their carbon emmisions by purchasing carbon credits and emulating their hero Al Gore.

The Daily Squib asked the Sheik if the 72 virgins are also recycled once the bomber goes to Islamic heaven.

“There is definitely no recycling of virgins in heaven, my friend. Once a bomber has done Allah’s bidding he spends eternity having fun. It’s hymen heaven I tell you.”

Islamic terrorism has never been so trendy and with the new eco-friendly suicide belts there is no threat to the environment.

New Study Reveals Junk Food Good for You

Eating is a natural part of life. But according to some researchers, some types of food eaten – namely sugary and fatty foods – are better for you than so-called healthy foods.

The idea that junk food is unhealthy has been claimed in a number of newspapers with headlines such as: “Fast food can be as bad as heroin and cocaine, claims new research”, “Burgers are like smoking crack”, “Sugar and fat ‘as addictive as meth’ researchers say”, and “Junk food is bad bad bad”.

These scare-mongering headlines appear to have been triggered by a media blitz on our beloved junk food industry looking for sensational fear-inducing news soundbites to chew on. Johnson Banzhaffer, professor of law at George Washington University, details why the public should be weary of such media hype. He puts forward his argument that there is mounting evidence that fast food is actually good for you. He points to various pieces of research that originally appeared in an article in the New Scientist magazine in February 2003.

“There is mounting evidence from the scientific and academic community that eating large doses of junk food is the key to a long and healthy life.”

 

 

A number of studies have been carried out in rats to look at processed foods and their benefits. Dr. Anne Selley, professor of neuroscience at Tacoma Community College together with Juillaro Wilson, has been studying rats and diet for a number of years. One study found that a high-fat diet appears to alter the brain biochemistry to radically increase intelligence levels. They say this is due to the increased levels of various monoamines — namely dopamine in the striatum and nucleus accumbens, noradrenalin in the hypothalamus and ventrolateral preoptic nucleus, and serotonin in the amygdala and frontal cortex.

While the co-administration of a dopamine antagonist is known to decrease the stimulant effect of amphetamine, it does not negate the wakefulness-promoting actions of eating vast amounts of junk food.

Eating junk food also activates glutamatergic circuits while inhibiting GABAergic neurotransmission.

According to Dr. Anne Selley, rats “love the high-fat food and they eat and eat. We found there are actually huge intelligence strides that are elicited by exposure to a chronic high-fat diet.” She believes that it is possible to compare the findings about rats to humans, making it very plausible that humans can benefit from high-sugar and fatty foods also.

“Those particular types of food – the fat and the sugar – are really the key to all longevity and intelligence,” she said. “They’re responsible for the behavioural changes that manifest, and also the brain changes that look like genius levels of intelligence. When I eat a cheeseburger and fries I immediately feel the synapses sparking up and
my cognition enhanced to a very high level.

Bartholemew D. Scheisse, a neuroscientist from Princeton University, led a similar study into sugar benefits which was published in the journal Neuroscience Research in June 2002. Again, rats were used and were gradually fed a diet with increasing amounts of sugar. The more sugar given the quicker the rats solved major puzzles, and when it was suddenly withdrawn from their food they experienced “dumbing down” reactions such as bumping into walls, looking bored and staring vacantly into space.

According to Scheisse, sugar triggers the production of the brain’s natural monoamines. “We think that is a key to the increased intelligence process,” he said. “The brain is sparking up synapses and making new neural connections every time you indulge in fatty sugary processed junk foods.”

“The implication,” he added, “is that animals and people can increase their life expectancy and intelligence levels on sweet food, particularly if they periodically binge on large amounts of the stuff. Eating pizza, burgers, twinkies, Doritos, Taco Bell and a greasy chop at Black Angus will make you into a walking genius rivalling brain boxes like Einstein and Stephen Hawking.”

More studies in rats by Dr. Munter Leibowitz, a neurobiologist at Tucson University, showed that exposure to fatty foods might reconfigure the neural system to want more knowledge. Her studies have shown that rats fed on a high-fat diet become more insistent on solving complicated puzzles which included complicated mathematical algorithms. Eating high fat processed junk food is the key to healthy living.

Junk Food

Here are some tips to enjoy eating junk food so that its benefits can be fully realised.

1) Drink two litres of a high sugar soda drink before eating junk food. This will keep your brain dosed up with sugar and ready to receive even more sugar.

2) Do not order an iced tea or fresh fruit juice. Instead, order colas or aerated drinks.

3) Avoid fresh fruit, vegetables, rice or fish like the plague. Ask for extra servings of fried foods and high fat sugary processed foods instead.

4) When eating junk food like burgers and pizza, be sure to add extra mayonnaise, ketchup or anything else you can find with high fat levels.

5) Do not chew your food – just suck it down. Rushing is good. This will help you to eat more junk food in one session.

6) While dessert is usually eaten after a meal, why not enjoy your dessert before AND after the main junk food meal? Try to indulge on monstrous sundaes, brownies, gooey fudge and large dollops of processed cream as often as you can.

7) Junk food contains a lot of fat and sodium. To increase your intake, it is best to drink a lot of colas and sugary soda.

Hope these seven pointers help the next time you feel like indulging in more healthy junk food.

A C T I O N    P O I N T S

If you think you might be avoiding eating large amounts of sugar or fat, try increasing portion sizes gradually.

Try to eat a healthy fat and sugar-balanced diet as often as you can.

If you feel you could have a problem with not eating enough junk food, seek the help of a qualified junk food manufacturer or speak to your local fast food restaurant.

Shock as Politician Linked to Prostitution

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A US politician has been linked to prostitution.

This comes with news that the Pope has been linked to Catholicism and that bears are linked to large steaming mounds of shit in the woods.

Eliot Spitzer, otherwise known as “client 9” must have rubbed someone up the wrong way in more ways than one. That’s why they took out the tapes to show ‘joe public.’

We’re wondering in the Squib offices what the Governor did so wrong to be made a fool of in such a way?

Some other links of note: The sky is linked to the colour blue, the British Royals are linked to Germany and George W Bush is linked to the chimpanzee (twice removed).

Chinese Olympic Swimming Event Under Fire

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The capacity for the Beijing Olympic pool may have to be increased from 300,000 to 575,000 athletes to accomodate the Chinese swimming contingent .

This increase in capacity has not however taken into account teams from the rest of the world attending and may be upped by a further 12,000.

Olympic diving teams will also have more room to manouvre.

“It’s not easy diving into a pool from 30 feet up with 45,000 people already in the water,” exclaimed Xiao Xing Xang Xong, who is the great medal hope for the Chinese diving team.

Last week three Olympic divers were severely injured when they dived into the pool and hit other swimmers. Thankfully there have only been five deaths in the last month, and the sheer number of swimmers compensates for any inevitable losses.

“Have you ever been in a pool where the urine slick from 60,000 swimmers goes up your nose or in your mouth? I have and it ain’t pretty,” American three time gold medallist Brad Rebo who was attempting to train at the Olympic facility yesterday told the Daily Squib.


The Chinese Olympic swimming team trains for the coming event in August

 

Yesterday in Beijings thick atmosphere full of heavy lead particles and phosphates, there was a mild show of discontent from some of the Chinese athletes on the

The Beijing Olympic marathon and cycling route has also come under fire for the narrowness of the highway

issue of overcrowding but the protest was nipped in the bud with the savage beating and imprisonment of the protestors from the assembled Chinese Olympics police force.

There have also been concerns over the chemical content of the Chinese Olympic pools.

A swimmer who tested one of the Olympic pools yesterday had to be hospitalised after dipping his toe in the water only to see it dissolve into nothingness in front of everyone. The distraught swimmer was stretchered off and may have to miss the Olympics all together.

Testing has now begun to resolve the chemical content of all the pools, obviously the chemicals will not be tolerated by other nations participating in the games and Chinese party leaders are racing to decrease the chemical pollution of all of its water supplies to the pools.

“If swimmers from other nations perish in the toxic waters it will not look good for our nation,” a Chinese Oympics official told the Daily Squib.

Most water supplies in China are contaminated with raw sewage so there is no choice but to have huge amounts of toxic chemicals in the water which of course increase pollution levels further.

The 29th Olympiad that is coming up this August in Beijing will be a major test for many athletes because of the adverse polluted conditions they will have to deal with.

The marathon and cycling routes have also come under fire for not being wide enough.

Gert Blatters from the Olympic Standards Board had some reassuring words to say in the Olympic village: “There is nothing to worry about. Everything is under control.”

Mr Blatters has since been taken ill with severe toxic poisoning after drinking some bottled water at the news conference.

US Marine Wins Annual Iraqi Puppy Toss Contest

The 5th Iraqi Puppy Toss Contest was held this year in Samarra, an Iraqi religious hotspot about 124 km north of Baghdad. The event was a huge success for the American troops attending.

“This is how we keep our men’s morale up. It’s a hard job killing and shooting innocent civilians every day. This way the men get to unwind for a few hours by hurling little defenceless puppies over cliffs instead of defenceless Iraqi civilians,” Major Christian Portman told the Daily Squib.

The occupying US soldiers are notorious in Iraq for treating Iraqis like sub-human Untermenschen and it is no surprise that they do not treat defenceless animals any better.

George W Bush and his paymaster industrialists are also responsible for the largest displacement of peoples in the Middle East in a thousand years, the deaths of millions of Iraqi civilians and the largest spread of depleted uranium in recorded history.

 

 

The Puppy Toss competition began at midday. Under the beating Iraqi sun a troop of Marines and assorted army personnel descended to the edge of the cliff where the competition was to be held.

Private Meat Johnsons is up first and tosses a whimpering little white puppy into the ravine. He manages a 40 yard throw and is top of the leaderboard.

Next, Sergeant Pat McGraw steps up and tosses a little Labrador all of 30 yards into the deep ravine. He is behind the leader now.

It is now the turn of Lance Corporal David Motari who tosses with confidence a little puppy called Sonny 50 yards to win the prize.

The black-and-white puppy makes a yelping sound as it flies through the air towards its certain demise.

The audience of assembled marines lap up the show and pat the triumphant Lance Corporal on the back dubbing him a credit to the USMC.

Dick Cheney, who regularly tosses puppies in the air on shooting trips, addressed the competition winners from a satellite broadcast later on in the day:

“The United States is proud of you guys for your bravery and courage. It takes a lot to do all the things you guys do while we profit off misery and pain,” said the former chief executive of Halliburton, who still has not exercised his massive stock options. He then lit a huge cigar and started laughing maniacally.

The winner of the US Marine competition was awarded a puppy-shaped trophy and given $250 as prize money so he can buy some more hookers when he gets back to base.

White Killer Whale Spotted

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“This is an amazing find, the creature is very old and a slow mover so we had no problem photographing it,” said Samantha Flowers, a research biologist with the National Skull and Bones Laboratory in Harvard who photographed the rarity. “It was quite neat to find it. The killer whale may have been old but it still had an aggressive streak in it and took a chunk out of our keel.”

The whale was spotted last month while scientists aboard the Herbert Walker—a Gas Oil Petroleum (GOP) research ship—were conducting an acoustic survey of deep sea oil fields, near Steller sea lion haul-out sites.

“This is the first time we came across a white killer whale,” agreed Al Gore, a research biologist at GOP’s Alaska Plutocracy Center in Seattle.

Flowers said the slow old white whale stood out.

“When you first looked at it, it was very white,” she said Thursday.

While the whale’s combover area was white, other parts of its body had a subtle off-white greyish colour, suggesting it was very old, maybe 70 years old, Gore said.

The whale was spotted about two miles (three kilometers) off Kanaga Volcano where it is reputed there is a tap dancing chimp on the loose.

It appeared to be a very old, adult male about 25 to 30 feet (7 to 9 meters) long and weighing as much as 10,000 pounds (4,500 kilograms).

Tesco to Open Tesco Store in Tesco Store

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Luddington High Street already has three Tesco stores and a further Tesco mini store in a petrol station. With a town’s population of 300 people, Luddington has its fair share of Tesco.

Now, Tesco management have announced the opening of a further Tesco store inside one of the existing Tesco stores.

Every Little Helps

“We needed another Tesco store here so we can get more Tesco value products. It’s going to bring more jobs to the area as well, innit? Eighty percent of the town works for Tesco and now this should up it to ninety eight percent,” Sue MacGregor, 58, a resident of Luddington in Scunthorpe told the Daily Squib from her checkout desk on Thursday.

Tesco Value

Tesco now has so many stores open in Britain that there may not be room for more stores. This has brought panic to the board of directors.

Some towns and cities are even toying with changing their names to Tesco Town or Tesco Village.

Tesco now sells everything that anyone can think of and are now even branching out to selling cut price funerals and cremations. Customers will soon be able to shop in a Tesco store and purchase a cremation in the ovens by the end of their shopping trip. Cremation ovens and chimneys will be located in the rear of all Tesco stores next to the delicatessen.

Onwards and Upwards

Managing Director Sir Terry Leahy spoke to the Daily Squib from his Hertfordshire mansion: “Our long term expansion vision is to open Tesco stores within all existing Tesco stores by 2009. After this we will expand upwards by opening more levels of Tesco stores until each Tesco store has more than thirty or forty Tesco mini stores within every Tesco store. We are committed to bringing diversity to our customers and the UK population, and are always looking to expand our product lines. By next year we are even establishing a Tesco funeral service where customers can look forward to Tesco Value Budget funerals costing only £12.99 including the casket and wreath. Our dedication to our customers is unrivalled within the business and now we are with every customer from birth to death.”

In the UK mainland, where there are over 15 million Tesco stores, this further expansion will indeed increase profits for Tesco shareholders and is sure to bring massive windfalls.

Under its tough but respected chief executive, Sir Terry
Leahy, Tesco is thought to account for five in every eight pounds spent
in Britain’s shops, while it has been expanding abroad rapidly.

Obama Fights Back by Releasing Hillary Photo

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After being smeared by the Clinton’s release of a photo showing a turban headed Obama, white American voters have deserted the Obama vote in droves.

Obama’s campaigners are now fighting back by releasing an old photo of Hillary from the 1970’s.

The photo was taken in a Berkeley California nudist camp early in 1973 when Hillary and Bill had just started to live together during their time at law school.

How the Obama camp came across the picture is a mystery, however this photograph is probably one of many in a series.

“This is truly an incredible find from the Obama team. We have heard that they even have footage of the couple playing ping pong naked in the nudist camp,” a member of the McCain campaign team told the Daily Squib last night.

Hillary is shown in a typical ‘hippy chick’ pose with dark brown hair and a generous smattering of hair under her armpits as was customary in those far flung days. She even has a small tattoo on her chest with some sort of symbol.

“With the release of the topless photos of Hillary, the Barack Obama crew are hoping to destabilise the Clinton confidence. This may however backfire because the pictures show that Hillary is all woman and has a nice pair of jugs and a hot sassy body. Hell i’d even do her but i’d get her to shave first and would have to bag her,”  exclaimed political talkshow host Ed “Blitzer” Wurst on his show for Columbus Ohio station WVZX.

The election primaries are heating up for the Democrats and Hillary Clinton is so confident of a win that the Clinton camp celebrated as if they had won the entire contest last night.

Confetti rained down on Mrs Clinton as she told supporters: “We’re going strong and we’re going all the way.”

Pete Doherty Revealed to be a Fraud

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Daily Squib Newspaper EXCLUSIVE

The real truth about Pete Doherty and how he has fooled the media and his group of fans for so long.

On the outside Pete Doherty appears to be a crusty, smelly, drug-addled, talentless whiner with horrible teeth and greasy hair matted with oil and dandruff.

With skin blemished with scars, acne, bruises from falling down and nostrils dotted with white specks of cocaine, Pete Doherty looks like a right royal mess. His arms are pockmarked with needle marks and his pallid flesh resembles an old man’s torso lying atop a cold hard mortuary slab.

petedoherty

By looking at Pete Doherty’s druggy image the public would not be wrong in thinking that he only has two or three years left to live. This is where you are all wrong!

The Truth Revealed

For the past few years Peter Doherty has taken to donning a walloping amount of makeup each morning before he ventures from his so-called ‘drug den’.

Makeup artist June Rimbaud has revealed that her job was to make Doherty look like a dishevelled junkie so that he could sell even more of his atrocious albums.

 
June honed her makeup skills working under the tutelage of the legendary SFX genius Tom Savini

 

“They told me to do it. I was paid well for it and could not turn it down. Their assumption was that if people thought he didn’t have much longer to live because of his errant junkie ways they would be more likely to buy his awful music. It’s worked so well that Amy Winehouse’s manager just called me up the other day and asked me if I could paint some mysterious looking bruises on his client’s face. So far it’s worked like a charm and the tabloids have jumped all over Amy’s swollen and bruised features.”

Looks like the PR people were right. Without Doherty’s druggie image he would probably not be able to shift many of his whinging albums off store shelves.

To date, using the Doherty drug image, he has sold roughly 60,000 albums over a period of five years which is considerably more than he would have done with a clean image.

Macrobiotic diet

Pete Doherty has been revealed to be a clean-living vegan who spends 3 hours exercising every day and is a staunch teetotal anti-drug practitioner.

His daily regimen involves getting up everyday at 4.30 am and jogging for five miles. He then heads to his home gym for a further gruelling hour of hard exercise. His nutritionist is usually at his house by 5.30 where they discuss in detail his daily meal plan so that his private chef can prepare the fresh ingredients for his macrobiotic diet in time.

The makeup artist comes to his house at 6.00 am where Doherty undergoes a lengthy makeup session that lasts four hours and includes the use of Hollywood style prosthetic technology.

Pete Doherty’s druggy look is so realistic that he has even fooled his parents and close friends.

The clothes that Pete wears for his daily music appearances are carefully soaked in urine and fresh faeces, usually acquired from the local betting shop toilets.

Pete Doherty has been revealed to be a total fraud and his fans will now be furious with his deception.

“I ain’t buyin’ ‘is fuc*ing music anymore. He’s clean is ‘e? We’ve been cheated!” a disgruntled ex-fan told us yesterday.

The game is over Pete Doherty. You have finally been rumbled.

Councils to Introduce Walking Tripod CCTV Cameras

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Tower Hamlets Councillor Dave Howitt has hailed the new CCTV Tripod scheme as a “jump into the future.”

“These Mobile Monitors will be able to move anywhere independent of all obstacles or pedestrians. They will be operated by our control centres in Coventry and Wolverhampton. A truly cost effective and efficient way of monitoring people.”

The mobile CCTV tripods have been developed by a UK company called 1984 and will be rolled out cheaply to councils across Britain within the next year.

“This is the next stage in our Labour manifesto. We already have the largest number of static CCTV cameras per citizen in the world. Britain is the most surveilled country in the world and even during the Soviet era of Russia and Stalin’s day they did not have as much surveillance as we have now,” a proud official for the council told us.

There are still some areas of Britain that cannot be surveilled and these new mobile CCTV units will fill the gap that the 45 million static cameras cannot.

The Mobile Surveillance units will be able to telescopically increase their height by 40 feet as well as reduce their height to 3 feet. Fitted with hi spec camera lenses, they can zoom into an area from half a mile away. The units will also be fitted with a tannoy address system to speak to citizens.

The mobile surveillance units are run on state of the art fuel cells and need only to be charged once a year.

 

 

“If you drop a piece of litter, the cameras can detect this from half a mile away and will radio for help so that the relevant Stasi official can issue a fixed penalty notice onto the miscreant,” Councillor Dave Howitt added gleefully.

Labour also plans to increase monitoring of people in their homes by 2010 with an increase in home CCTV and bugging surveillance.

A draft white paper has already been proposed in Parliament to increase funding to the Home Surveillance Branch which was set up by Prime Minister Gordon Brown last year.

The cost to the taxpayer for the mobile units is negligible and a recent government operated MORI poll showed that 99% of the British population approved of the increased surveillance on themselves.

“I’m like all other English people. When the Labour Government asks me to bend over and take it, I do. We’re now the most downtrodden, overtaxed, surveilled people in the world and it makes you proud to be British, dunnit?” Joe Burke, 43, who is a resident of Tower Hamlets, told the Daily Squib.

Unelected leader Gordon Brown, who was recently on a trip to China, wowed the Chinese PM with tales of how he has acheived the massive Draconion shut-down of all privacy in the UK.

Communist China still has a long way to go until they get to the British level.