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Brown Congratulates Mugabe for Winning Election

Eleanor Digby
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2
Brown Congratulates Mugabe for Winning Election

 

In an unusually forthright statement at the world’s top diplomatic table, Gordon Brown congratulated Robert Mugabe for stealing Zimbabwe’s presidential vote once again.

The British prime minister told a meeting of the UN security council today that Mugabe’s tactics are very similar to his own.

Commenting on the results of the ballot, Brown said: “Everyone knows, having seen the result at the polling stations, that President Mugabe has lost this election but won it on the coerced recount with the use of brute force. A stolen election would not be an election at all. Believe you me, I know, having been brought into power without any election or vote.”

Indeed the supreme Comrade Brown secured the Prime Ministerial role without election after Tony Blair left office. When called to declare a much needed general election in September 2007 he “bottled it” and backed away from his word. Gordon Brown also promised the people of Britain a referendum on Europe and backed away from that as well.

The prime minister’s praise of Mugabe came at a meeting to discuss security council cooperation with the African Union, chaired by the South African president, Thabo Mbeki, who is Mugabe’s subordinate.

Robert Gabriel Mugabe, KCB (born on February 21, 1924) is the President of Zimbabwe. He has served as the head of government in Zimbabwe since 1980, as Prime Minister from 1980 to 1987 and as the first executive President since 1987. He rose to prominence in the 1960s as a leader of the Zimbabwe African National Union (ZANU) in guerrilla warfare against white-minority rule in Rhodesia in the Bush War (1964–1979).

Mugabe is an outspoken, controversial and polarizing figure who is proud of his homosexuality. Emerging from the Zimbabwe parliament, he has been hailed by gay Africans as a hero for championing homosexual rights in Zimbabwe.

The President currently lives in his pink palace in Harare with his string of male concubines. There are rumours that President Mugabe has full blown AIDS but leaders of ZANU-PF have staunchly denied the allegations. Mugabe’s continuing thin frame and fragile mental state have alarmed African leaders and the media with concern for his health.

Viscount Linley to Present Supermarket Sweep

Eleanor Digby
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0
Viscount Linley to Present Supermarket Sweep

The British Royal family have made rare sojourns onto our TV screens in the past with shows like It’s a Knockout and the odd public ceremony but until now no member of the Saxe Coburg Gothas have had the privilege of fronting their own show.

TV bosses for ITV1 have now commissioned the supermarket show that has been running for many years on daytime TV to be taken over by Viscount Linley.

“Dale Winton is to move on from presenting Supermarket Sweep and is already filming the celluloid version of Are You Being Served which is set for release in July and produced by Grundy TV,” Jim Allinson, the excited director of the movie revealed last week during pre-production talks set in the world famous Grace Brothers department store in central London.

A producer for ITV1, Janice Pansy describes the show on the official website:

“Supermarket Sweep is a wonderful TV show where three teams of contestants attempt to earn as much time on their
clocks as possible by answering product and price related questions.
Each team begins with one minute on their cock, but can earn 10
seconds for answering one of Dale’s easy-peesy questions about food or
Heat-style celebrity gossip. The first member of each team plays the
first two rounds, they swap over for the next two, and the “Round
Robin” free-for-all at the end involves the players pointlessly
swapping positions after every single question.Then the real fun begins when there is a free for all with the shopping trolley as contestants try to stuff as much as they can into their trolley. Dale usually gets a few kisses at the end from the contestants and is sometimes fondled by the male contestants much to his enjoyment.”

The new presenter will surely bring a right royal twist to the show and remember campers: “The next time you’re at the checkout and you hear the beep..
[bip-bip], think of the fun you could be having on Supermarket
Sweeeeep!”

Comrade Gordon Brown Denounces Traitors to Era of Change

Eleanor Digby
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0
Comrade Gordon Brown Denounces Traitors to Era of Change

Speaking from the Westminster duma, Comrade Brown addressed true believers in the era of change and denounced the “vile dogs of Blairism and traitorous brigands to the new Brown vision of Labour”.

“Comrades, Labour party faithful and true believers in the Brown era, commanders and political instructors, men and women workers, men and women collective farmers, intellectuals, brothers and sisters in the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the vile Blairite brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas who are dedicated to the cause of the Bolshevik Labour Red Army. (Laughter and applause.)

On behalf of the Labour Government and our Bolshevik Party I greet you and congratulate you on the anniversary of the 10th month of the great June Socialist Revolution.

Today our country is in a far better position than it was 10 months ago under the lickspittle swine and peddlers of Blairism. Today it is many times richer in fuel taxes, taxes for the poor, taxes for the rich, more fuel taxes, council taxes and income taxes. Today we do not have any allies left to fight alongside us but comrades, let me tell you, we do not need them anymore. Today we enjoy the State Banking system which Comrade Darling has created on my orders. Today we have a splendid cut-down army and a splendid tin-pot navy, defending the freedom and independence of our one party system. Today we have millions of Soviet Britons who are now living in clone Eco villages not blighted by such frivolities as individualism and self-ownership. (Cries of approval and applause.)

Those who do not subscribe to my New Vision of Change and have already shown their despicable colours by bad mouthing my leadership will be re-educated in one of our Special Bolshevik Eco Camps up north.”  (Loud and sustained applause and cheers. All rise and turn towards the government box, to
which Comrade Brown proceeds from the platform. Voices: “Hurrah for
the great Brown!” “Hurrah for Comrade Brown!” “Long live Comrade Brown!” “Long live the first of the Leninists, candidate for the Soviet of the Briton, Comrade Brown! Hurrah!” )

After our wonderful leader’s speech had ended the traitors were led away with their heads bowed in shame as the party faithful jeered and spat at the vagabonds.

Ivan Lewis, the Ex-Health Minister, and Gerry Sutcliffe, the Ex- Soviet Sports Minister tried to escape the traitors parade at one point but were put back in their place firmly by Stasi officials.

Let this be a lesson to any other dissenters of the Comrade Brown Vision of Change.

Olympic Torch May be Banned from Beijing

Eleanor Digby
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0
Olympic Torch May be Banned from Beijing

Explosives experts are being drafted in at great cost by the Chinese authorities to determine how to avoid massive explosions in the combustible Beijing atmosphere. Naturally, with the volatile situation in Beijing’s poisonous atmosphere, all naked flames may be banned from the games.

“We have a highly volatile cocktail of dangerous explosive gases in the Beijing atmosphere and to avoid a massive chain reaction leading to a massive explosion, we may have to ban the Olympic flame from being displayed at the games.” Gerald Matheson of JCP Consulting told an AP press conference on Monday.

The Beijing air is filled with heavy metals and phosphates that are hazardous to the health if breathed in.

There are also pockets of extremely volatile gases that are released daily from the numerous factories in the city. It was only three months ago when 267 people were killed when a housewife lit a cigarette in an open air cafe thus igniting a pocket of explosive gas that had just drifted over to where she was sitting, the resultant explosion demolished a mall and was seen 5 miles away.

According to the European Space Agency, Beijing and its neighbouring
north-east Chinese provinces have the planet’s worst levels of nitrogen
dioxide, which can cause fatal damage to the lungs.

If you breathe the highly toxic combustible soup that is Beijing’s air you would also be breathing in: Methane, Propane, Butane, Hexane, Heptane, Acetylene, Gasoline, Jet Fuel, Naptha, Turpentine, Toluene, Exlene, Ethylene Oxide, Acetone, Methyl Ethyl Ketone, Carbon Monoxide, Hydrogen Sulfide, Ammonia, Hydrogen.

Low visibility has also been an issue with some runners training for the marathon. Last week twenty athletes were not able to see where they were running and found themselves either lost or injured after running into concrete walls or lamp posts.

Nevertheless, Chinese Olympic officials wish to still go ahead with attempting to display an Olympic flame and are now toying with the idea of utilising a large video screen showing composite footage of all past Olympic flames to make up for the loss of the real flame.

Doherty Glad to be Back in Jail – Drugs in Prison Better than Street

Eleanor Digby
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1
Doherty Glad to be Back in Jail – Drugs in Prison Better than Street

 

Pete Doherty has been finally jailed at the segregation wing at Wormwood Scrubs prison after many failed attempts.

Pete Doherty’s Lawyer made a statement on behalf of the star: “I am glad I have been privileged enough to attend Wormwood Scrubs prison as a fully fledged heroin addict where the smack is actually purer than the street. I would like to thank the judge for agreeing to give me some much needed time out where I can indulge away from the public gaze.”

A spokesman for Wormwood Scrubs exclaimed that they prepared adequately for Doherty’s entrance.

Pete Doherty’s room will have a colour television, a ps3 console with 5 top games, a dvd machine where he can order 3 films a day from the prison’s extensive library and of course the pièce de résistance – as many drugs as he wants. The prison has uppers and downers and has the finest Afghan heroin in the country. We give each prisoner new needles every morning so they do not re-use the needles or get infections. We also supply crack smoking pipes in the prison shop.

A former inmate talks to the Daily Squib about his experience: “The drugs are easier to find than trying to score on an everyday street in Britain. When I got to Wormwood Scrubs prison I found that was true. Drugs were being used frequently and I was constantly coerced and tempted. In the mornings I would take cocaine and heroin speedballs, then by the afternoon I would be chasing the dragon and smoking crack cocaine.”

“It’s like a holiday camp,” he said. “The only thing it doesn’t have is a swimming pool. Although the Labour Government is going to have one installed next year at a cost of £450,000 to the taxpayer.

“You can get any drugs. It’s easier to get them inside than it is outside. I saw lads who didn’t do drugs become addicted to heroin and all sorts while they were there.”

The cost to the taxpayer to have these prisoners looked after in the lap of luxury per annum is £75,000.

No wonder Pete Doherty is glad to be going back to prison. Here he will get all the drugs he wants and he will be pampered in the lap of luxury.

A spokesman for the UK Prison Authority exclaimed, “People pay good money to get his facilities and he will be getting all this for free. We have extensive entertainment facilities, over 20 pool tables, each room has its own ps3 console and HD TV, the prison also has a very large DVD collection including all the cult films and hard to get DVD’s. The food is health-orientated and every night prisoners are given a menu where they tick off what gourmet cuisine they would like for the next day.

  Unfortunately for Doherty, he is not expected to serve the full 14 weeks but will try to commit some kind of heinous crime to stay in for longer. Maybe sing the warden a song or two – that should do it.

Kerry Katona Gives Birth to Bag of Cocaine

Eleanor Digby
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0
Kerry Katona Gives Birth to Bag of Cocaine

Kerry Katona has thanked her fans for their messages of support from her hospital bed this afternoon after she gave birth to a large bag of pure white cocaine five weeks early.

Doctors at Macclesfield Hospital delivered the package without any spillages after inducing labour early.

A spokesperson from her publicist’s office told reporters: “At present both mum and the yeyo are not in any distress and the mother has already started to snort the baby.”

Kerry Katona’s spokesperson made a poignant statement from her bedside:

“Kerry would like to thank all the tabloids and gossip papers for their full coverage and attention and also the doctors and nurses who are providing excellent care in delivering the cocaine safely. The chavette face of Iceland and her family can begin snorting in earnest.”

Kerry’s new baby will be called “Charlie”, named after her favourite pastime.

The 27-year-old was believed to be in the middle of filming the final episodes of her controversial MTV fly-on-the-wall show, Crazy In Love, when her cocaine induced contractions began on Wednesday night.

Her pregnancy has been plagued with rumours of photographers and film crews abandoning the birth coverage, allegations which she has denied vehemently.

The celebrity mother has been allegedly filmed on multiple occasions drinking large quantities of alcohol, smoking cigarettes and snorting crack cocaine as well as freebasing the pure white crystals whilst pregnant.

Last week Kerry was given the all-clear after an ultrasound scan revealed she is holding a bag of pure cocaine ripe for the snorting when it finally pops out of her.

Her freeloader husband Mark, 37, was believed to have taken his heavily pregnant wife to hospital only after he finished the level he was playing on his computer game.

The couple, of Warrington, Cheshire, are already parents to unlucky one-year-old Foo-foo Dust.

Kerry has two other unfortunate girls with ex-Westlife star Brian McFadden – Blow Dust, six, and Candy C, five.

Nostradamus Obama Prophecies Revealed

Eleanor Digby
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235
Nostradamus Obama Prophecies Revealed

Professor Eugene Randell, Deputy Director of the Smithsonian Institution Archives has released information pertaining to the up and coming US elections.

The Institute which holds some very rare Nostradamus manuscripts, believes that some of the quatrains written by the 16th century soothsayer are very close to describing the fight for the White House that is happening now.

“We have the only existing fourth edition of Nostradamus’ book Les Propheties (The Prophecies). There were thought to be only three editions published in 1558, this new edition is from 1559 and includes 20 more quatrains which have never been revealed before — that is, until now,” Professor Randell said from the archive office on Tuesday.

Nostradamus has been credited with predicting numerous events in world history, from the Great Fire of London,  the rise of Napoleon I of France, the French Revolution and Adolf Hitler, to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center.

The professor told the Daily Squib that it is well known that some of the quatrains are open to interpretation however what he has translated from the previously unreleased manuscript will certainly “ruffle a few feathers”.

243
The great empire will be torn from limb,
The all-powerful one for more than four hundred years:
Great power given to the dark one from slaves come,
The Aryana will not be satisfied thereby.

Nostradamus‘ previously unreleased quatrains are a heavily guarded secret and the scholars have broken with tradition to reveal a few tidbits in the Smithsonian’s monthly circular.

We leave it to our esteemed readers to make up their own minds. However, it seems that with the release of the new quatrains the race for the White House may have been already written about many centuries ago.

Latest: Diana verdict: She’s Still Dead

Eleanor Digby
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0
Latest: Diana verdict: She’s Still Dead


It has taken more than 90 days, 470 witnesses and a bill of £35 million to come to the conclusion that Diana Princess of Wales is still dead after many years of being buried underground in a grave.

The jury, after much heated deliberation, discarded the notion that Diana will be coming back anytime soon.

Outside the courthouse reporters and media personnel openly wept into their laptops at the awful news that stories about the late Princess Diana might be slowly winding down.

The lawyers who have been working on the groundbreaking case for the last ten years were also visibly distraught because the free for all money festival had finally ended. The lawyers were seen leaving the High Court in their top of the range Bentleys blubbering like tiny babies.

Lord Justice Scott Baker, who presided over one of the longest and
highest-profile inquests in British legal history, must hope, along with
most of the population, that the verdict will close the book on a ten-year
saga.

“The court hereby declares that Diana is not coming back to life and has been dead for quite some time now,” a spokesman for the court told the assembled throng of weeping reporters.

Surely this cannot be the end of all the Diana media stories and court cases? Watch this space, folks.

Snoop Dogg Announces New KKK Album

Eleanor Digby
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4
Snoop Dogg Announces New KKK Album

The rap star’s record company announced on Friday that Snoop is in the middle of writing a new album about the Ku Klux Klan which is set to be his most controversial album to date.

The self-styled Doggfather and former Suge Knight poodle is, according to music site contactmusic.com, supporting Obama and his KKK affiliations and is fascinated by Ku Klux Klan memorabilia, even decking out a room in his LA mansion with the stuff.

“Snoop has a passion for the Ku Klux Klan and is even dedicating his time for a brief documentary on how things have changed in the last few years,” a spokesman for his label said.

After the Daily Squib broke the story about the Ku Klux Klan Endorsing Obama there has been a mass rally from rappers who have joined the KKK Obama election bandwagon.

Now rap starmaker and svengali Dr Dre is coming in on the act and is trying to get the binge eating druggy recluse Eminem out of hiding to do a special comeback album on the theme of black and white unity.

British music magazine Melody Maker has already published a playlist for Snoop Dogg’s new album with leaked track listings which include: Runnin’ Wit Da KKK, Gangsta Wizzard and Ku Klux Shizzazoes.

Snoop Dogg was quoted in the Guardian newspaper by music columnist Jack McCready as saying, “The KKK gave Obama some money. They was one of his biggest motherf*cking supporters… So f*cking what why wouldn’t they be? The media want to hurt the KKK unity with n*ggaz. They don’t want you to like what’s happening. They just want you to know that this motherf*cker befriended this other motherf*cker who be threatening your n*gger values. It’s all media BS, don’t listen to the hype motherf*ckers, listen to the motherf*cking music! Every time.”

Snoop Dogg will be releasing the KKK Chronic album in January through Geffen Records.

Heather Mills’ New Disguise Causes Concern

Eleanor Digby
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1
Heather Mills’ New Disguise Causes Concern

After her exhausting and bitter divorce battle with Sir Paul McCartney where she only managed to steal £25 million from the former Beatle, Heather Mills has undergone a drastic transformation. Out goes her striking blonde hairstyle and in comes a completely new look and even sex.

The 40-year-old was seen showing off her new ‘paedo-look’ on Friday as she left the Beverly Cosmetic Surgery Center — a stone’s throw from South Central LA, which advertises ‘complete appearance overhaul services’ with ‘walk-ins welcome’.

According to reports from the tabloid press, Heather chose this clinic in a slum area of LA because the Guatemalan surgeons do not ask questions and it is also unregulated by any medical authority so she can have any cosmetic surgical procedure completed without any questions asked.

By changing her appearance from Heather Mills to Gary Glitter she has already moved up in popularity because ‘even the image of Glitter is an improvement to her previous self’. An assistant working at the cosmetic surgery clinic told the Daily Squib that Heather even considered changing her appearance to that of Michael Jackson but backed off at the last moment when the price of the surgery was flashed up in front of her.

The complete surgical transformation is said to have cost Heather over £5 million. However, experts say it is good money spent as she would do well to ditch her old look. “It is no surprise that she has opted for the jailed paedophile look because they’re two birds of a feather. Heather Mills is now Gary Glitter’s long lost twin. Whatever is going on in her head must be pretty strange but maybe this is a way of reconciling the fact that she does not deserve the money she got from Paul,” Dr Rosenbaum of the Beverly Hills Celebrity Psychology Unit told the Daily Squib.

 


Heather Mills, Before – After


After acquiring Sir Paul’s money in the court case, Heather was even criticised by the divorce case judge, Mr Justice Bennett, as a ‘less than candid witness’ who had a ‘warped perception’ of the world and ‘indulged in make-believe’.

Heather flew to Los Angeles from New York, where she endured over 42 hours of surgery at the specialist clinic.

She was said to be less than keen to hang around in the Big Apple after reportedly having a ‘blazing row’ with Sir Paul over when Bea would be introduced to his new girlfriend, American millionairess Nancy Shevell.

Sir Paul was staying in the exclusive Carlyle Hotel there after spending the previous week with 47-year-old Nancy in Antigua.

On Wednesday Heather was seen in New York sporting a Pirates of the Caribbean disguise resplendent with peg leg and hook arm – the first time she has been spotted in public since she travelled to the US to recover from the trauma of only winning £25 million in the court case.

She was reportedly enraged that Sir Paul has found someone else so quickly after their divorce, but after her new cosmetic surgery she is much more optimistic about her future — especially when she moves to the Far East next June.

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