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Oil Futures Surge as Bush Plans Iran Invasion

Johnson Armadillo
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Oil Futures Surge as Bush Plans Iran Invasion

 

In a last gasp effort to cause armageddon, George W Bush and his evil cronies in the White House plan to escalate war further in the Middle East and precipitate the beginnings of a large-scale nuclear conflict thus creating even more mass world unrest than there already is now.

Not content with the perpetual War of Terror he has created already, George W Bush is rushing to speed things up with an imminent attack on Iran.

The Persians when attacked will simply close off the Straits of Hormuz and the world oil price will rise to $400 per barrel or even more. Strategically speaking, invading Iran is a suicide operation that could only be attempted by an insane religious zealot alcoholic moron with severe mental retardations and a fervent penchant for psychotic pleasure derived from hurting millions of people from his armchair — thus George W Bush fits the bill with precision.

Preparations have been underway for the Iran attack for quite some time. The US military and naval build up within the Persian gulf has been going on for the past year. The plan is probably a joint attack with Israel where there will be high altitude bombing of strategic Iranian nuclear sites similar to the recent bombing by Israel of a Syrian suspected nuclear site in Syria’s eastern desert near the Euphrates River.

Further preparations of the imminent Iranian attack is also the reason why Bush has been filling the 703 million-barrel
Strategic Petroleum Reserve (SPR) in Texas and Louisiana with 66,000 barrels of oil per day.

Oil $300 per barrel before September

Investors are betting that oil prices will continue
rocketing for years to come and the imminent Bush attack on Iran will ensure a good windfall for investors and a good fallout (the radioactive kind) for everyone in the Middle East.

Long-term
oil future prices have jumped at an unprecedented rate in a sign that
investors are buying up stocks of oil en masse to preempt the invasion of Iran.

The situation is highly volatile since futures prices are almost always lower than today’s oil prices.

This follows a handful of rumours from major analysts that oil prices
could soar towards $400 (£200) when Bush attacks Iran.

Crude
rose above $129 a barrel for the first time in New York amid further rumours eminating from Israel on the planned attack.

There were also some concerns that Opec will not boost output in the coming months
to rein in prices, and that China will increase its oil imports in the
wake of its earthquake. Brent crude was trading $2.60 higher at a
record $127.66 in late trading.

Even more significant, however, is that futures prices have risen higher still.

Traders worldwide and investors are already factoring the cost of another American war in the Middle East with Iran as the next victim of US posturing and attempts at hegemony.

This time, however, Bush and his apocalyptic horsemen of doom are going to bring upon their ‘rapture’ with one last flurry of the dice.

“With the increase in oil prices we see an increase in cost to deliver vital goods and food to the consumer. This results in massive inflation and unaffordable costs for basic goods. We advise people to start growing vegetables in their gardens and stockpiling canned food and water because when Bush presses the button, you can say goodbye to the supermarket. The government will not help you and we will all have marshal law where you will be shot on sight by troops for trying to get food or water for your family,’ Yitsak Hymie wrote in the Jerusalem Post on Tuesday.

Ample physical evidence exists in the stepped-up US military
deployments in the region, with the Navy once again having two
aircraft carrier battle groups — the USS Lincoln and the USS
Harry S. Truman — within striking distance of Iran.

Meanwhile, the flagship of the 6th Fleet, the USS Mount Whitney,
has been deployed off the coast of Lebanon in what the Navy has
described as an “unscheduled mission.” The ship is the
Navy’s most advanced command, control and intelligence vessel,
capable of coordinating a major attack over a wide region. It
joined the USS Cole, a missile destroyer, already there.

Comrade Gordon Brown to Put Tax on Taxation

Johnson Armadillo
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Comrade Gordon Brown to Put Tax on Taxation

Speaking from the Westminster duma on Tuesday, our esteemed leader and supreme commander in chief, comrade Gordon Brown, outlined a new package of taxes that will be introduced immediately for all workers, party members and proleteriat.

A Fair Tax on Tax

“Dearest Comrades, I know you have been paying high taxes so that my new vision of change and ten year Soviet British plan can be implemented. Comrades and plebiscite, I have welcomed your contributions to our state when you have been going hungry, when you have not had enough to heat your dwellings, where you have not had enough food to even feed your mules and decrepit horses. I understand your plight comrades but I will ask another favour of you. Yes, I have seen fit to install a tax on taxation itself — because there is nothing left which has not been taxed. I thank your sacrifice to the state and our Soviet dream of poverty for every citizen of our Soviet British Nation is well and truly being fulfilled every day. Once again, I, your supreme unelected leader thank you for the ultimate sacrifice to the state.”

There were applause from all who were gathered within the great British Soviet duma at the news that Gordon Brown’s huge taxes on the people would be also taxed.

After the massive tax hikes of recent months and heavy taxation over the period of the last ten years on every commodity or service in the Soviet Nation of Britain — to be taxed on the actual tax is just a mere formality.

Those who do not appreciate the new tax on tax will be assigned for re-education in one of Comrade Brown’s Eco Camps deep in the Soviet Labour heartland of Northern Soviet Britain.

Heroic Bolshevik fighters have also been sent to the Crewe and Nantwich sector where a democratic uprising has been thwarted and smashed by our Soviet revolutionary fighters who have restored Comrade Brown’s Vision of Change.

Commissar for Re-Education, Ed Balls has also been personally assigned by Comrade Brown to oversee that all sectors accept the new tax on tax without any discourse or dissent. Any thought-crimes will be monitored and punished severely with possible neutralisation and fines.

Long Live Comrade Brown and the Labour Party INGSOCK Notice: B34521

How Russell Brand Vows to Conquer America

Johnson Armadillo
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How Russell Brand Vows to Conquer America

Russell’s got his little Booky Wook out and notched off another continent that he has nearly conquered. Going from strength to strength this winker has got his sights on getting his winky out and conquering the whole winking world.

The Early Winky Brand Years

Russell Brand became the Tiddlywinks national champion at the age of 12 when he pioneered the pot-squop and won the national championship held in Grays Essex.

“I remember Russell winning the championship. He was a real tour de force and no one could stop his Winking mania. He was a wee lil winker and won the Silver Wink semi-final between Grays and Dagenham after 5 hours 20 minutes of play,” Johnson Subbuteo, ex-Tiddlywinks world champion told the Daily Squib.

Russell has been playing with his winky ever since and has even written a few booky wooks detailing his winker techniques and the wonderful tales he recounts of his winky world adventures.

Dipping the Wink in the Pot

“I first realised I was a winker when I completed a double-squop at my first competition and saw that wink drop in the pot winning me the competition and scooping me the prize of 35 pence. From then on I couldn’t go a day without ploinking my tiddly in a pot,” Russell told Winking World, the official journal of the English Tiddlywinks Association.

Conquering Brand America

It was only recently that Russell got his end away with the American Winky contingent and he has been winky deep ever since.

The jealous American border authorities actually attempted to bar him from re-entry into their territory because he was seen as a threat to their tiddlies.

“George W Bush may have personally ordered the barring of Russell Brand from America’s borders because he was seen as a threat to American supremacy in the Tiddlywinks world. If President Bush allows Russell in, then everything the Americans have ever worked for could be lost for ever – it would be a bloomin’ disaster for ’em,” Reg Cockwaith of the West Glamorgan Tiddlywinks Club says.

 


 

Russell Brand was recently photographed at his Los Angeles ranch-style
Beverly Hills mansion posing with his collection of Tiddlywinks.

 

“It’s as if he’s digging for gold such is his ferocity and passion in winking. I’ve seen him go from one wink to another in less than a minute, he drills away with his tiddlies and squops in the pot like a man obsessed,” grandmaster Tiddlywink Sensei Alan Pounder writes in the June ETA edition.

According to Russell he has no colour preference for winkies and treats them all the same.

First Californian Gay Couple to Tie the Knot

Johnson Armadillo
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First Californian Gay Couple to Tie the Knot

Dubya Gump, is putting a
California Supreme Court ruling in favour of gay marriage into action. Him
and his longterm older boyfriend, John Maccy Mcsenior, plan to marry, Gump has
announced.

He was attending a meeting for GOP election campaigners on Thursday,
the day the state’s high court overturned California’s laws against gay
marriage.

He said that he and Maccy Mcsenior would be getting married.

Maccy Mcsenior, 135, who was
in the meeting, and Gump, 61, were applauded by GOP audience members.

The court ruling means that same-sex couples could tie the knot in as little
as a month. However, religious and social conservatives are seeking to put a
constitutional amendment on a ballot in November that would undo the Supreme
Court ruling and ban gay marriage.

Gump and the glamorous geriatric Maccy Mcsenior have been a familiar couple at Hollywood GOP events, including the Republican of the Year Academy Awards. (AP)

Additional reporting by P.W.Lowry

California Divorce Lawyers Applaud New Gay Marriage Ruling

Johnson Armadillo
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1
California Divorce Lawyers Applaud New Gay Marriage Ruling

California’s Supreme Court quashed a ban on gay marriage in a historic ruling here Thursday, effectively leaving same-sex couples in America’s most populous state free to tie the knot.

In an opinion that analysts say could have nationwide implications for the issue, the seven-member panel voted 4-3 in favour of plaintiffs who argued that restricting marriage to men and women was discriminatory.

Getting a slice of the pink dollar

“This is good news for our pocketbook, it means more divorces to make money out of. It has been a long time coming but now our practice will be making some serious dough out of these gays who want to marry,” a delighted David Kleinfeld of Kleinfeld and Mortimer Associates told the Associated Press.

“Limiting the designation of marriage to a union ‘between a man and a woman’ is not good business practice and must be stricken from the statute,” California Chief Justice Ron Jeremiah said in the written opinion.

Legal analysts say Thursday’s court ruling could have wide-ranging implications for other US states, noting the California Supreme Court’s history of landmark rulings.

“The California Supreme Court’s example is often emulated and it often is sort of a ground-breaker,” said David Cruz, a law professor at the University of Southern California and an expert in constitutional law.

According to San Francisco gay lobby the American Nancy Utilitarian Society ANUS, it is “hard for gay people to stay together for long periods because of their inherent promiscuity”.

Pauly Shore who is the societies secretary exclaimed: “There is a very high level of promiscuity in the gay community here. I welcome the court ruling but I hope that gay marriages will slow down the spread of AIDS which is at epidemic level amongst our people.”

A coalition of Catholic priests have vowed to attempt to add a vote calling for a ban on same-sex marriage when California goes to the polls in November’s election. State election officials will rule next month on whether sponsors of the vote have gathered enough signatures to force the issue onto the ballot.

“We have 1.1 million signatures,” according to Father Bartholomew Pedo, chairman of the Washington-based Catholic Traditional Values Coalition, describing the California ruling as “completely out of line”.

“The Catholic church does know of such things as gay sex and paedophilia, this court ruling is an affront to our Catholic beliefs and principles.

“We are going to fight this right to the end and we will personally petition the Californian governor Schwarzenegger to intervene in this heinous court ruling.”

Bank of England: Quality of Life Will Go from Bad to Worse

Johnson Armadillo
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1
Bank of England: Quality of Life Will Go from Bad to Worse

The good times are gone and there is now a real risk of recession, the Bank of England warned yesterday.

“Because of our mistakes and greed in the banking sector we will now turn the screw on the masses and milk the plebes for everything they’ve got,” a triumphant Governor
Mervyn King said.

The quality of life in the UK is one of the worst in Europe and is just under Albania and Bulgaria according to the MORI Country Index published in 2006.

The last ten years have been a nightmare for the whole country and
now will be turned into an even bloodier nightmare with no end or hope
in sight.

In his quarterly Inflation Report, Mr King said that
the golden period of purgatory was over and a new chapter of hell on earth had begun.

“We
are not going to reduce interest rates like they have done in America
but are going to instead condemn the economy and our masses to a deep
and troubled downturn and horrible recession,” he added.

Blighted Britain

And the governor predicted:

• Gas, electricity and food bills will get even more expensive
this year and will push inflation towards 44 percent, possibly even
higher;

• Supermarkets and food retailers have jumped on the downturn and increased their prices by up to 120 percent above the real cost of food items such as a loaf of bread which now can cost £5.32;

• Gordon Brown’s taxes on fuel, councils, income and everything will rise by about 62 percent.

• Economic growth is likely to slump towards -12 per cent by the end of the year, and the country will be pushed into a massive recession;

• The housing market will continue to fall after worsening ‘markedly’, he predicts a fall of approximately 65 percent;

• Pay rises may be curbed, further damaging employees’ quality of life;

• The falling sterling means that foreign travel will increase in cost condemning people to stay in this rotting country;

• And the banking crisis could continue to run well into 2015, keeping mortgage costs painfully high;

Gordon Brown’s office has spoken of how well the nation is doing and how there is nothing for anyone to worry about.

Thanks
to Gordon Brown selling Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the
market, plundering peoples pensions and his numerous disastrous
economic decisions throughout his tenure as chancellor and prime
minister, he has single-handedly managed to bankrupt this country and
damage it irreparably.

 

Hillary Vows to Keep on Fighting for Presidency Even After Obama is Inaugurated as President

Johnson Armadillo
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0
Hillary Vows to Keep on Fighting for Presidency Even After Obama is Inaugurated as President

“They gonna have to shoehorn that bitch outta the race. She the kinda person that won’t leave from the cookout. She the kinda person that don’t get the message that it ovah!” an Obama supporter from Detroit told the Fox News Network yesterday.

Hillary’s campaign manager Buzz Nougat had this to say after the momentous Virginia win: “We’re goin’ from strength to strength. We are going to pursue this campaign right up to Obama’s first year in office.”

Whenever Hillary gets on stage, her campaign crew have taken to playing the Rocky theme tune.

Hillary is not going to go easily and has pledged a further $4 million of her own money into her election campaign funds.

She has even attempted to ask Bill for money and this is why he has been seldom seen as of late.

One can only sit back and admire a woman of such tenacity.

New Labour – New Memoir

Johnson Armadillo
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1
New Labour – New Memoir

The Labour party racked with greed, cronyism and vile gluttony of the highest order is a morose cesspit of inequity, a toilet flush swilling around the turds that fester amongst its clogged bowels.

With such literary luminaries as Alistair Campbell, John Prescott and Lord Levy, as well as the greed-driven hideously ugly wife of the previous prime minister; is there any hope left in the British political system of government?

Nu Labour Nu Greed

“Cherie Blair has degraded the British political culture to new depths. Her self-serving, vulgar, greed-driven

 
Lord Levy leaving his publishers offices yesterday

sensationalist memoirs serve no purpose whatsoever apart from the rather obvious  — to make her even richer than she already is. Is it any wonder that Tony was getting hand relief from Carole Caplin at Chequers whenever she was away with business. Cherie’s insane grinning face can sear paint off a wall from thirty yards ,” one of the sources in Lord Levy’s new book is quoted as saying.



Her husband, Tony, has made huge sums of money off the state and public office. Their joint property portfolio is estimated at 65 million pounds.

The Blairs’ latest acquisition is a £4 million country house, bought on the earnings of their respective biographies, as well as Mr
Blair’s financial handshake jobs, public speaking stints and company product endorsements.

Who says socialism does not pay?

John Prescott can now clean up his own pig vomit with the bags of twenty pound notes he will no doubt receive from his publishers for his memoirs as well.

Lord Levy, the squirming simpering maggot who has briefly come up for air from the rotting carcass of the Labour party to cash in further with his memoirs is another ‘nu-Labour’ scumbag raking in more gelt.

Whilst Levy ponces around smirking in his Roller touting his base rants in his new ‘book’ and fondling the vast amounts of fresh cash that pour into his already overloaded coffers every second of the day, he will not have to worry about what ‘Labour socialism’ has done to this country.

Obama Superdelegate Seen Flying Over Washington

Johnson Armadillo
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1
Obama Superdelegate Seen Flying Over Washington

Washington DC was treated to an amazing sight on Friday when an Obama superdelegate was seen flying above the city.

There were calls for calm on local radio stations and tv networks as the superdelegate flew at the speed of sound over the city at approximately 15,000 feet sometimes swooping down to as little as 500 feet.

“I looked up and saw the superdelegate whizzing through the skies and nearly choked on my Maine lobster Saladon on brioche bread with lettuce, tomato, bacon and mayonnaise. Boy that superdelegate was ripping up those chem trails like I never seen,” local, Dick Cheney told the Daily Squib.

The Obama superdelegates are a strange breed of superhero politicians who are tearing up these election primaries.

By day they can barely walk and look frail but do not be misled by their appearance; once they change into their superdelegate costumes consisting of a cape and a pair of smelly y-fronts their super transformation is complete.

Democrat Barack Obama worked hard to build up newly-gained momentum
Sunday after he overtook Hillary Clinton in the fight for
superdelegates whose votes will be decisive in choosing the Democratic
Party’s presidential nominee.

At least three Democratic
superdelegates pledged to back the black senator Saturday —
one of them formerly in Clinton’s column — marking a new milestone in
his quest to represent the party in November’s presidential election.

Some superdelegates live in special caves, some underwater and some actually commute to earth everyday from different planets in our solar system.

 

Madonna Rocks the Crowd at Free Kent Festival

Johnson Armadillo
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0
Madonna Rocks the Crowd at Free Kent Festival

The veteran star, at number one in the charts with the single “Four
Minutes”, featuring Justin Timberfake, topped the bill on the event’s
main stage last night.

The event was opened by American R’n’B
heavyweight Flusher, who got off to a bad start when he told the crowd
how delighted he was to be playing in Manchester.

Speaking to DJ
Jo Whiley about her set at the two-day free festival, Madonna said: “The autotune machine was working great – that’s what people come to hear – we also had a few record decks on stage and my troupe of gay dancers.”

Revellers were delighted to see Madonna flouting her body after many years of gruelling exercise and hormone treatments.

“Madonna was positively ripping the stage apart and striding around like a gladiator. At one point the autotune broke down and her real voice came through the amplifiers – yes, her real voice is actually very low almost like Barry White,” music reviewer for Melody Maker magazine, John Troubridge wrote.

More than 500,000 people
applied for 30,000 tickets, the biggest response yet generated by the
Big Weekend, which is in its third year. Also playing were Fluffy, The Ceiling, and the Pratellis.

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