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Shock as Scott McClellan Says Invading Iraq Was Bad Decision

Mr. Charrington
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Shock as Scott McClellan Says Invading Iraq Was Bad Decision

There has been shock around the world as Scott McClellan, an ex White House press aide has divulged the stupefying news that George W Bush and his evil cronies were dishonest to the American people about the Iraq invasion.

In other news there were also announcements that the Pope may be linked to the Catholic church, the Queen of England is linked to Germany and bears are linked to faeces in the woods.

Further astounding revelations have also been published in the tell-all tome:

– The war in Iraq is the biggest military blunder in modern history and has cost the USA trillions of dollars

– President Bush deliberately lied to the American people about the reasons for going to war

– The war was planned two years before the invasion

– Iraq has been pumped full of depleted uranium

– Millions of people have been displaced in Iraq and hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis have lost their lives

– The illegal Iraqi invasion was for the acquisition of the third largest oil fields in the world to supply America which consumes 40% of the world’s oil supplies — not for any ‘WMD’ or Saddam

– The illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq contravenes UN resolutions and International law (Article 4, Paragraph 4 of the United
Nations Charter)

Heather Mills: "I Still Love Paul’s Money"

Mr. Charrington
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Heather Mills: "I Still Love Paul’s Money"

Speaking on American talkshow TV show Good Morning Montana, she told her host Jesse Springer, “The money and I used to have a great relationship. I never wanted to lose the money. It was only the lawyers who got in between me and Macca’s wallet.”

Heather went on to add, “Every single day I wake up in the morning and mourn the loss of Paul’s bank account, I feel bereaved and distraught at the mere thought of what has happened, the sheer loss is immeasurable and I may have to start proceedings again due to the immense pain I have been made to feel at the loss of access to his huge bank account.”

Heather cries into the hosts shoulder and sobs like a baby hankering for its mother’s milk. Some audience members start crying too and a few visibly distraught women in the audience see fit to walk out, such is their distress.

Recently, Heather has been undergoing counselling sessions with a bereavement expert to try and ease her immense pain. She has also spoken of waking up at nights in a cold sweat then sobbing insanely whilst recounting the wonderful days she had dipping into Sir Paul’s massive bank account.

Heather Mills, ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney is a broken woman but time will heal her wallet eventually.

Sharon Stone Buys Villa in China

Mr. Charrington
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Sharon Stone Buys Villa in China

The couple are said to have looked at around 100 properties before settling on the 35-bedroom estate.

The sprawling residence comes complete with it’s own chemical toy factory, moat, polluted lake and forest with three trees in it.

Sharon bought the Chinese villa direct from the owner after spotting the property on a Fox News report.

A source close to the deal said: “It’s a place called Chateau Dalai which is in a tiny village called Xin Xan Xin Xiang in Sichuan province.

“They’ll be moving in roughly three days and living there full-time.”

The magnificent cascading stone-walled terraces are of solid construction and made from 95% sand mixed with a little bit of concrete and newspaper.

The estate is surrounded by beautiful yellow water with twenty fountains, bubbling aqueducts, and a toxic chemical laden stream runs through hidden tunnels into the moat and fills the polluted lake.

The popular Beijing Times quoted Ngn See-yuen, founder of the Chinese Sharon Stone Appreciation Society, as saying that he welcomes Sharon Stone to all of China wholeheartedly. Her most recent film, The Year of Getting to Know Us, and four other movies starring the actress, are all set to be very popular in China.

Thousands of Chinese internet users have posted praise online for Sharon Stone and all the media has been inundated with talk of the wonders of the American actress.

Fidel Castro Endorses Obama

Mr. Charrington
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Fidel Castro Endorses Obama

The former Cuban president gave a qualified endorsement to Mr Obama whom he described as “the most-advanced candidate” in the race for the White House.

The welcome support of the ailing revolutionary icon is likely to engender more support for Barrack Obama as a true uniter of people and nations.

It was only a few months ago when Obama was endorsed by white supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan as reported first in the Daily Squib Newspaper.

The geriatric Republican nominee, McCain, has consistently tried to exploit the support offered for Mr
Obama by Hamas, the KKK and now Fidel Castro but has backed off after warnings from his doctor about getting too excited.

Writing in his regular column in the state-run Granma newspaper, Mr Castro noted that Mr Obama is a uniter of the nation  of Cuba and the United States, unlike all the other “useless” candidates.

“Obama’s doctrines can be translated as a formula for hunger for true unity. I have seen his following and followers’ dedication to this great man, when he has brought the KKK to endorse him and bring unity back to the USA, when he will halt the embargo on Cuba once and for all and bring us our just rights, he is a man of true standing and honour,” the 81-year-old former president wrote, referring to Mr Obama’s unitary qualities.

The Illinois senator said he would rescind all trade sanctions against Cuba as long as they relinquish some of their communist ideals incorporating them within the United States. Obama also vowed to ease restrictions on US-based exiles travelling to Cuba and sending money to relatives — a further gesture of friendship between the two countries.

His chief strategist meanwhile forecast that Mr Obama would cross the finishing line in his marathon with Senator Hillary Clinton for the Democrats’ nomination next week, when South Dakota and Montana are the final states to vote.

Ranjit Bindi Chakrabati told the Daily Squib: “We’re very close now. When the primaries end, I think, we’ll be where we need to be … We’ll be at the number we need to claim the nomination.” By the campaign’s calculations, Mr Obama only needs a further 49 delegates to achieve the simply majority of 2,026 needed to win.

However, the party’s rules committee, manipulated by the Clinton’s, meets on Saturday and would raise the victory threshold if it agreed to include some or all of the delegates from Michigan and Florida, who have so far been
discounted as a penalty for the states’ decision to hold early primaries.

Mrs Clinton is fighting a bitter war and is pushing for all their delegates to be counted, after winning uncontested primaries in both states. Their inclusion would however only reduce her deficit to about 90 delegates,
who will vote at a convention in August.

UFO Spotted in Blackpool

Mr. Charrington
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UFO Spotted in Blackpool

Johnson Phuckah from Blackpool got in contact by email this week with this startling photograph which appears to show a suspected UFO in the Pier area of Blackpool. He writes – “I am writing to see if you would be interested in a picture which was taken on my mobile phone yesterday.

It was taken whilst walking on the pier itself. I realised that there seemed to be an unusual object in the sky and decided to take a picture.

On examination it seems to be a saucer-like object flying not far above the pier over the sea.” He wonders if anyone else saw it? Perhaps there were some of those hot air balloons in the vicinity. . .?

Hillary Hoping for Osama Assassination

Mr. Charrington
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Hillary Hoping for Osama Assassination

Hillary Clinton has given many reasons for remaining in the presidential primaries, but when she mentioned assassination  of a well known terrorist as a rationale for staying in the race, she increased her bid for the Democratic nomination.

Mrs. Clinton showed her true American patriotism while she was campaigning in South Dakota yesterday, when asked by a newspaper editorial board about calls for her to concede the Democratic nomination.

“My husband did not bend over for the terrorists like Osama, right?” she told the Sioux Falls Argus Leader. “We all remember that Osama is an evil man and needs to be assassinated, like tomorrow. You know, I just, I don’t understand it. We need to get on this ASAP!”

Hillary Rodham Clinton has now been hailed by all of the US media as a true American patriot and her ratings have already surpassed her political rival Obama after her call for the assassination of Osama. Obama may have much superdelegate support at the moment but cannot compete with some ‘good ol’ American Patriotism’.

Obama was quoted in the Huffington Post as saying: “What Hillary said about wanting Osama assassinated is just sheer true American patriotism and we gotta just love her for that. That Osama dude needs a bullet in the head and if my name ain’t Obama I agree with Hillary 110%.”

A Washington Post poll recently put Hillary 8 points ahead of Obama after she made her Osama assassination calls.

Jade Goody to Replace Carol Vorderman on Countdown

Mr. Charrington
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Jade Goody to Replace Carol Vorderman on Countdown

Brain box, hot totty scorcher and daytime TV debt seller, Carol Vorderman is being replaced in the cult TV show ‘Countdown’ by Jade Goody.

“Carol has been poached by satellite channel Debt and Loans TV24 where she will be making peoples lives alot better by selling them overpriced loans consolidating already expensive loans 24 hours of the day. We wish her the best of luck in her endeavours and want to thank her for many years of wonderful service with the Countdown team,” John Alexander, series producer said.

Jade Goody has been chosen out of millions of hopefuls who attempted to take the key role but were pipped at the post by the ex-Big Brother contestant.

 

Jade Goody on Countdown is a surefire ratings winner for the channel


“We need to appeal more to the working-class person and Jade is the one to do it. We’re dumbing down the show for her low-intellect but on the positive side, we will be gaining ratings because more of the population will be attracted to watch her stunted mentally deficient single brain cell farting uncontrollably,” Mr Alexander told the Sun newspaper.

Part of the show involves a mathematical exercise where a number between 101 – 999 is chosen by CECIL, the countdown numbers computer. Contestants then have to get the final answer utilising six numbers given to them in 30 seconds. Producers for the new series of Countdown, after hearing of Jade Goody’s appointment, have scrapped this part of the show and replaced it with a game of Noughts and Crosses. There has been some debate that this in itself may be too much for Jade Goody, so have decided to supply Ms Goody with a concealed earpiece where an expert in the wings can advise her on what to say next.

Jade Goody was on holiday in New Delhi this week and was not available for comment.

The new series of Countdown will commence in September.

Human-Animal Hybrids Roaming Britain’s Streets Today

Mr. Charrington
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2
Human-Animal Hybrids Roaming Britain’s Streets Today

The Human Fertilization and Embryology
Authority (HFEA) were today left reeling in shock after leaked news emerged of hybrid human – animal creatures roaming Britain.

King’s College London and Newcastle University have discovered the breach of security only recently and have now stepped up measures to bring the dangerous situation under control.

Humans within the British Isles have been warned of the very real threat that these hybrid creatures may one day breed.

Researchers have been producing these “cytowaynerooneyplasmic” hybrids that are 10 percent human and 90 percent animal.


A hybrid is swiftly brought under control after escaping its holding pen


Scientists are baffled at how these creatures have been allowed to roam the streets undetected for so long.

Dr Lyle Papamouchka, leading the team at Newcastle University, said:
“These hybrid mutant creatures are a credit to our skill in modern scientific process.

“We have created base creatures that are a throwback to a pre-Neanderthal age. A knuckle-dragging species stuck in a long lost time before modern humans found civilisation.”


The Hybrids are seen as a danger to humans

Because of the threat that these hybrid creatures may start breeding, there will have to be a mass cull of their numbers.

In the British Isles there are millions of these animal-human hybrids roaming the streets.

“They have a very limited brain capacity and their intelligence levels are that of a goldfish. They are predisposed to violence and aggression as well as unprovoked vandalism. Needless to say, they should be approached with extreme caution,” Dr Lyle Papamouchka warned.

Grave News as Supreme Leader Comrade Brown Hospitalised

Mr. Charrington
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0
Grave News as Supreme Leader Comrade Brown Hospitalised

Condolences for our great unelected leader

It was after dining at the Crewe and Nantwich sector during the tour of Soviet Britain that our great unelected comrade was taken ill.

Our supreme commander was attending a presentation of the British Soviet Agricultural  revolution in the Crewe and Nantwich sector when he was invited to sup on some of the food that the proletariat exist on. Comrade Brown is very proud of the British Soviet forced collectivization of agriculture that he has pioneered and the wonderful delights of simple proletariat foods.

“Comrade Brown was presented with some of the local specialty prole food, Crewe cabbage soup and a delightful side dish of cabbage pickle washed down with a gulp of weak local ale. He looked alright after consuming it and gave an almighty burp and a hearty laugh at the joys of eating food that the proletariat consume,” commissar for agriculture Hilary Benn said.

Comrade Brown was then taken ill during the inspection of the British Peoples Soviet potato display. It seems that bourgeois elements spouting their useless democratic diatribes may have infiltrated the Crewe and Nantwich Soviet agricultural festival and sabotaged the supreme comrade’s cabbage feast.

Politburo officials cordoned off the area and are combing the vicinity looking for anyone wearing a top hat and tails.

We wish our supreme comrade Brown a speedy recovery from this minor setback to his ten year plan as an instrument to the Age of Change and British Soviet Cultural Revolution.

UK Fuel Tax to be Increased Again

Mr. Charrington
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0
UK Fuel Tax to be Increased Again

Our
supreme unelected leader and comrade who has brought our nation back
from the brink of disaster from the spoils of that pusillanimous
traitor Comrade Blair, today announced a further 2p rise award on fuel
tax.

The supreme unelected comrade has so far awarded proles a
wonderful 20p increase in fuel tax for 2007 alone. Fuel prices are now
at £1.29 per litre.

Since Labour has come into power, fuel tax has risen by 59 pence.

Of the £1 paid for every litre of fuel, 71.5p
is tax. A total of 24p goes to the oil producer, 2.5p to the retailer
and 1p to the supplier.

“You can shit in an Englishman’s soup
and he would lap it up without any questions. They are a very pliable
people who take things that other nationalities would balk at. We keep raising fuel taxes year on year and they take it lying down. It’s as if they enjoy being punished for being slave-like cash cows,” said a
senior member of the Information Ministry, proudly extolling the announcement of yet more taxes.

The
general population greeted the further increase in petrol prices with
applause and cheers for our supreme leader comrade Brown, who announced
the tax hike from his dacha deep in the mountains of Sector 101
(Northern Britain).

Stasi
officials at Whitehall say that the increase in tax award is a necessary process so as to increase state funds after the many Labour schemes over the last ten years which have gone disastrously wrong.

With the heavy worldwide increase of oil prices per barrel reaching $139, the UK is now the most expensive country in the world to fill up your car because of the massive fuel taxes the government has seen fit to add.

Perpetrators of any dissent will be punished

 

Like good citizens in the United Soviet Nation of Britain there has been no sign of any dissent amongst any of the non-party officials who do not have state expense accounts. However, in case of the unlikely event of any dissent ever arising we have released tips on what party members can do.


I am happy to pay any fuel tax increase with a big smile on my face. I
will never ask any questions or show dissent for the huge tax increases.
Mr Parsons
Sector 234 East Glamorgan

Tips on how you can report dissenters  of huge fuel tax hikes

 

The Politburo office in Whitehall is issuing guidelines on how to spot any dissenters of Comrade Brown’s fuel tax hikes:

 

  • Citizens who curse our leader at petrol stations will be arrested.
  • Anyone
    who blocks the fuel lane whilst staring at the fuel price in disbelief
    will be arrested immediately for delaying fuel revenue collection.
  • Thought-crime of any kind relating to huge fuel tax rises will be severely punished.
  • Hoarding of fuel will be punishable with death or a 40 year working holiday in a Labour eco-gulag.

 

 


News of an all expenses trip to Beijing

Comrades and senior party officials, we are delighted in being invited to the upcoming Beijing Olympics where we will all enjoy an all-expenses paid trip.

It is to the credit of the masses who pay such high fuel taxes that we are able to benefit from their hard work.

The Beijing Olympic trip will only cost a mere £500,000 per Labour delegate, although we should be prepared if Comrade Prescott attends as his share of tax-expenses will exceed £2.7 million for the food bill alone on the two week trip.

High ranking Stasi officials can also claim for an increase in expenses because of the massive windfall from increased fuel taxes as of next week.

Notice: B64584 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

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