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Damien Hirst Self-Portrait Sells for Record £387 Million

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Damien Hirst Self-Portrait Sells for Record £387 Million

The self-portrait which was painted by one of Hirst’s many assistants was sold to an anonymous phone bidder at lunchtime today.

The painting is part of the Hirst ‘Arse Series’ where he depicts himself as the contemporary ‘anal bullshit’ con-artist that he is.

“I aim to paint myself as limitless angular momentum in constant toilet flushing flux. My anal sphincter muscles loosen and expel hydrostatic equilibrium into the anus-sphere of existence and of course stick a dead fucking cow in there too,” Hirst writes in Arthole magazine.

Hirst is a well seasoned con-artist and has ripped off many artists including Gerhard Richter’s colour chart series, made between 1966 and 1974 and Austrian artist Alphons Schilling’s ‘Spin’ paintings.

New London Taxi Cabs Unveiled

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New London Taxi Cabs Unveiled

Horse Power

The new London horse-driven taxis have been welcomed by cabbies because of the low running costs and the punters are delighted as well because of the low taxi charges. Where a passenger in a diesel operated cab could expect to pay £350.00 for a half mile cab trip, they can now get away with paying 30 pence for a horse driven trip across London.

London cabbie, Reg Carbunkle had this to say about the new taxis: “Blimey guv, it’s that Gordon Brown innit? He’s got 70% tax on all petrol in this country and when the oil price went up – peak oil and all that lark – we got scuppered well and good. It used to cost me £590 per hour to run my cab with diesel — so we came up with a solution. Horses mate, yes! Ya know the smelly animals that shit all over the effin’ place, nah I ain’t talkin’ about Amy Winehouse cuz she looks and smells like one innit. ‘Ere I ‘ad that John Prescott in me cab last night, yeah two jags triple chins Prescott, ‘e chundered in me cab something silly when ‘e was telling me about curbing my carbon emissions and recycling his vomit, that ain’t going to pay for me diesel will it? Effing bast@ard!”

Labour government ministers and Treasury fuel tax collectors however have not been happy about horses being introduced into their fuel tax bonanza. With the cost of fuel being made up of 70% tax that goes straight to the Treasury there are now calls to tax horses.

More tax please we’re British

“We are going to have to tax horses at a similar rate to motor vehicles. We will be introducing further horse licence taxes. In addition all horses will have to have an MOT and certificate of taxation. In August of this year we will also be increasing taxation on horse shit dropped by every horse, this is to curb volatile gases leading to global warming,” a senior tax collector revealed to the Guardian newspaper how the government plans on clawing back lost fuel tax revenue.

London cabbies have anticipated this taxing move by the Labour government and are now switching to mules which are not taxed yet.

It’s OK ‘Keep Panic Buying Petrol’ Brown Urges

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It’s OK ‘Keep Panic Buying Petrol’ Brown Urges

ONLY SEVENTY FIVE PENCE FUEL TAX/POUND

With seventy five pence from every pound spent on petrol going to the British Soviet Treasury in fuel tax and duty, Comrade Brown is urging more panic at the pumps.

ONLY SIX POUNDS PER GALLON

Oil as a commodity is cheaper than milk. However, with Labour’s fuel tax and fuel duty, it is now nearly over five pounds thirty per gallon for unleaded and six pounds fifty pence per gallon for diesel. The United Soviet State of Britain has the highest fuel taxes in the world and British prole drivers are the biggest cash cows in the world.

EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT PANIC EMERGENCY

Gordon Brown yesterday called on motorists to panic buy fuel as
ministers activated emergency measures to take in as much tax revenue as they can deal with ahead of a
threatened four-day strike by tanker drivers starting on Friday. By creating a mass feeding frenzy from petrol stations across the nation due to reports that Shell tanker drivers were to strike, the Labour government is sure to come into a massive tax windfall. By ensuring the panic buying masses continue with the feeding frenzy, the Soviet British State will accumulate large reserves of fuel tax cash for its tax-rich overloaded coffers.

DO NOT WORRY KEEP PANIC BUYING NOW

“The English are a breed unto themselves. They seem to happily accept every indignity and injustice heaped upon them without question or protest. Our populations have been brainwashed into slave subservience and are the most pliable plebiscites in the whole world. A credit to us controllers who have steered the sheeple into the pen ready for mass fleecing,” Commissar for Fuel Tax, Harry Balls, said at a news briefing for the British Soviet Treasury on Friday.

YOU MUST PANIC CALM PANIC CALM

Labour ministers were congratulating themselves and there were many pats on the back today for encouraging the panic buying of fuel at petrol stations across the United Soviet State of Britain. Despite taking nearly 80 pence from every pound spent on petrol in the United Soviet State of Britain in tax, Comrade Brown still plans to reward the population with a further 2 pence fuel tax increase by August 2008.

“Comrades, we welcome the panic buying! Out of every pound spent we make nearly eighty pence on fuel tax. Thank you for blindly consuming petrol at these prices for many years. We will continue to increase the fuel tax we receive from you and spend it on incompetent, impotent and useless politicians, waste, cronyism, stupidity, cowardice and greed. And who knows? Out of all the money we’re making, we might even be able to start another war! Our only worry is that petrol stations might eventually run out of fuel from the mass panic buying which would mean that all of the tax revenue we’re currently receiving would come to a panicky abrupt end. But in the meantime, please carry on panicking — there is nothing to worry about and everything to panic about!” a jubilant Comrade Brown told the BBC4 news yesterday.

Barack Hussein Obama Vows to Wage Jihad on Christian American Doubters

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Barack Hussein Obama Vows to Wage Jihad on Christian American Doubters

As he gears up for his general election fight against John McCain, Mr Obama and his chief advisers are gearing up for a massive fight to win over Christian voters in America, amid polling data showing that a significant number of Americans believe Muslims are all suspicious terrorists and barbaric suicide bombers ready to behead Christians and rape good old clean Christian girls, there has been a massive scramble to quell such fears about his background. Such doubts were a factor in his poor showing with white, blue-collar Christian voters during his primary battle with Hillary Clinton.

In recent days Mr Obama has — unprompted — brought up the subject of his five day prayer habit and his recent pilgrimage to Mecca. Barack Obama, who was sworn in as a US senator on the Koran; has a long road ahead of him in a country full of Christians and evangelical bible-belters. Many Americans have been programmed to abhor Muslims and make them a pariah to be despised and feared.

The powerful Jewish lobby, the AIPAC, has warned American voters about Mr Obama: “Let me know if you see this guy named Barack Obama because he sounds pretty scary. We need a candidate who will be accepted by Israel. America has been controlled for many years and we do not want to compromise the motherlands control over this great nation.”

Adilah Kumar Mohammed, a spokeswomen for Mr Obama, told The Daily Squib that the Jihad team was still being finalised.

She added: “The only way to run our campaign is to respond immediately when Islamic prejudice information is put out. The [emails] are saying he’s a Muslim. He is. He’s a Muslim and there is nothing to be ashamed of. He often brings up the e-mails that are out there and the smear campaign that’s been run against him and all Muslims on the internet. We definitely recognise that prejudice about someone’s belief system or creed or colour is wrong in all circumstances. No one should be made to feel ashamed of their religion or colour and issue denials. Religion or colour should not matter when running for president. Only in racist countries does it matter. The USA is not institutionally racist we hope.”

The “Jihad room” comes as the Obama campaign prepares a series of biographical speeches, television advertisements and campaign appearances to tell his life story, an attempt to make voters more familiar with his Islamic roots. Despite his long nomination fight against Mrs Clinton, his campaign aides concede that millions of Americans still feel that they do not really know him.

Mr Obama’s Kenyan father, who left the family when he was 2, was a Muslim, but not particularly religious. The Illinois senator lived in Indonesia from the age of 6 until 10 with his white, American mother and Indonesian stepfather, who was also a Muslim. Mr Obama is a moderately devout Muslim and attends prayer at his local mosque on a regular basis. He moved from being moderately devout Muslim to finding Mohammed in his 20s, with the help of his former Chicago Imam: the Mullah Jeremiah Ibn Ali-Wright, a figure whose incendiary Islamic sermons now haunt his candidacy and has increased suspicions among some voters about his patriotism.

A poll in mid-March found that 93 per cent of Americans think that Mr Obama is a Muslim and should therefore be feared and shunned — a 5 per cent increase since December 2007. Another found that 83 per cent of Democrats who hold negative views of him believe that he is a Muslim and is therefore a terrorist and not to be trusted. The same survey showed that 4 per cent of voters view him as patriotic, compared with 76 per cent for the white Christian, Mrs Clinton and 90 per cent for the white Christian, Mr McCain.

In recent weeks Mr Obama has pinned an American flag badge to his suit lapel after being criticised by Republicans for not wearing one.

He locked horns with Mr McCain on Monday over the faltering economy, the number one issue with voters, as the Democrat started a 17-day economics tour with a speech in North Carolina lambasting the Republican over his support for the fiscal policies of President Bush.

The geriatric Arizona senator pre-empted his rival’s address by painting him as a “liberal tax-and-spender” and a “towelheaded Jihadist Terrorist”.

Paris Hilton Sawn in Half

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Unfortunately for the audience and rest of the world it was only an illusion.

The ex-heiress, Paris Hilton, who has had her £50 million inheritance retracted, volunteered to be sawn in two at the Mirage hotel by illusionists Jeff Beacher and Nathan Burton.

 

 


After the illusion took place, a midget came on stage and escorted Ms. Paris Hilton back to her seat.
Paris and her new boyfriend, Benji Madden, who are expecting their first child in a few months, then left the show.

Britain’s Got Stabbing

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Britain’s Got Stabbing

Simon Scowell, who is making another 100 million pounds from his latest ‘talent’ show ‘Britain’s Got Stabbing’, has chosen this year’s winning teenage knife crew for Britain. Also sitting on the panel is the disgraced ex-newspaper editor Piers Moron.

Over the past six weeks they have whittled down the finalists from 400,000 hopefuls and after coming this far the finalists truly deserve their accolade.

The stage is set and the raw flesh on show is truly astounding.

‘Britain’s Got Stabbing’ gets off to a spectacular start when three people are savagely stabbed in the audience. The blood trickles down the studio steps and even reaches the stage where the main stabbing display takes place.

Up first for the final night are the Bracknell crew who are a very talented bunch of twelve year olds.

They show their prowess by completing an egg and knife race in under three minutes, the finale of their presentation culminates in taking out an old lady’s kidney with the precision of a trained surgeon whilst calling her a ‘slag’. Their tools of choice are sharpened kitchen knives borrowed from their homes.

Bracknell crew third place

Second place goes to the Leeds crew who can drink Aldi Wine by the gallon and gut unsuspecting pedestrians by the bus load.

They manage to drink 25 cartons of cheap wine each and still are able to stab with precision. One of the crew, Lee Feral, 14, plunges a 7 inch blade into a camera man’s back and removes his liver. The Leeds crew then throw the still spitting liver into the jubilant audience as Simon and Piers applaud fiercely.

Their wondrous presentation ends with the camera man’s bloodied twitching torso projectile vomiting over the audience as he slumps to the floor dead as a dodo.

The audience laps it all up and cheers them off stage to rapturous applause.

The Leeds crew and Aldi wine list second place
Finally we come to the first prize winner and Scowell with his fellow judges applaud furiously at the spectacle.

It’s the Enfield Massive, and they know their stuff. They show off their sparkling new Argos kitchen knives, which of course are made in China and are as blunt as a rusty old bread knife.

The bluntness of the blades are demonstrated on one of the shows researchers when he is set upon by the whole Enfield crew and slowly gutted in 8 minutes 34 seconds. His entrails are then thrown on the floor where the Blue Peter dog from the adjoining studio laps them up hungrily.


Enfield Massive and the winners of ‘Britain’s Got Stabbing’

Simon Scowell applauds furiously at the sight because not only have the Enfield Massive carved the poor researcher up but he is still alive – such is the precise knife-work of the crew even with a blunt instrument.

Kevin, 13 and Lee, 15, spot another opportunity to show off their superior carving equipment by embedding the knives deep in Piers Moron’s back. This wonderful act brings the house down in frenzied applause replete with standing ovations and severed limbs being thrown in celebration onto the stage as a show of approval.

This genius denouement is applauded by all and Simon Scowell gives it a full thumbs up. Piers Moron is also applauding wildly and still attempts to flash his smarmy fake smile despite having six large kitchen knives embedded deep in his back, the blood gushing out of him arcs up like a curious fountain of claret and sprays members of the audience much to their delight.

The Enfield crew win the £100,000 and have now been granted the additional accolade of
performing in front of the Queen at Buckingham Palace.

Britain sure has a lot of talented stabbing teens this year and The Daily Squib is very proud to be part of this great nation’s talent pool – of blood.

Hillary Clinton to be Given Job as White House Intern

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Hillary Clinton to be Given Job as White House Intern

After winning the much-coveted nomination for the Democrat party, Barack Obama has extended an olive branch to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton by offering her the position of White House intern once he gets into the White House.

Political analyst, Alma Spunkmeyer writing in the Washington Daily Chronicle thinks that Mrs Clinton will be “disappointed at not getting the Vice President job”, but will be glad to be back in the White House anyway.

Throughout the last four months there has been much back-biting and bad blood between the two candidates but this gesture from Obama is seen to be the catalyst that will heal the wounds that have been inflicted during the primaries.

“You never know, she may even be able to pay off some of the money she owes. Interns do not really get a salary but she can always do favours for White House staff and maybe earn some pocket money. I’m not sure though if she will be able to claw back the $30 million campaign debt though,” a senior White House staffer was quoted as saying on the Drudge Report.

Hillary will be required to attend special meetings at the White House but will not be allowed to wear a blue dress. She will also be responsible for keeping the White House cigars fresh and in good supply for staffers.

Comrade Brown Proposes New Stealth Tax for Sleeping

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Comrade Brown Proposes New Stealth Tax for Sleeping

Not content with the thousands of taxes heaped on the British proletariat and bourgeois classes, Comrade Gordon Brown, our supreme unelected commander in chief and people’s champion, has announced a new tax — this time on sleeping citizens.

“Our great state needs more taxation and we thought about this long and hard. What do citizens do at night? Yes, they sleep. Therefore, we can make our citizens work for the state better by making them pay for their sleep,” a jubilant official at the state tax office announced on Tuesday.

Comrade Brown who does not sleep at all and therefore is exempt from ‘Sleep Tax’ announced at the Westminster Duma yesterday his wonderful proposals to tax sleeping citizens and how the new tax will be enforced:

“The new stealth tax I have proposed for everyone in the United Soviet State of Britain will put every citizen to good use when they are at their most lazy. We cannot have these citizens sleeping and not paying for the hard-working Labour government. We do not like lazy comrades or citizens of the one-party state who do not pay for their way. Therefore, comrades and workers, I shall put into place immediately a sleep tax where every person will be charged for the hours they sleep. In due course we will also tax your pets and any other animals you may own as well, goldfish are not exempt either. I have appointed a new Sleep Tax Tsar – Commissar for Sleep Tax, Ed Balls.” (Continuous cries from the duma: “Long live great Brown, Hurrah!” “Hurrah for Comrade Brown, the creator of the Soviet Constitution, the most democratic in the world!” “Long live Comrade Brown, leader of the oppressed throughout the world, Hurrah!” )

Sleep Tax Enforcement

The new Eyelid Stealth Tax Directive will be implemented next month and all citizens will have to have eyelid sensors surgically installed. There will be a small charge of £450 per citizen for the costs. Sleep Taxation will commence the following day after the eyelid surgery.

Sleep Tax will be charged at £13 per hour for citizens over the age of 15. There will be a generous Sleep Tax discount for children and they will only be charged £12.50 per hour.

  Sleep tight comrades, pleasant dreams..

 

Citizens should be pleased to know that the new Sleep Tax will help the state pay for more useless policies and budget blackholes replete with unnecessary bureaucracy, cronyism and waste.

The Soviet State of Britain under Comrade Brown will also reward citizens next month with an additional 2 pence hike on fuel tax . For every £1 spent on the pumps 75 pence will now go to the state. Stasi Councils will also be increasing their council snooping taxes as well as tax on workers’ income and National Insurance. Tax on goods will also increase and eco-taxes will be increasing as well. A new motor tax will also be introduced so that motorists can help the environment by paying more taxes to the state. A further tax on flights in and out of Britain and passport ID tax will be implemented soon.

Citizens are warned that any attempt to tamper with the new Sleep Tax system will result in severe punishment. Any attempt at holding eyelids open during sleep or the use of matchsticks to keep eyes open so as not to pay Sleep Tax will be detected and reported resulting in re-education at an eco-gulag.

Sleep well comrades.

Long Live Comrade Brown and the Labour Party INGSOCK Notice: B34532

Ku Klux Klan Jubilant Over Obama Nomination Win

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Ku Klux Klan Jubilant Over Obama Nomination Win

White Christian Supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan who were very vocal about their endorsement of Barack Obama to be the next President of the United States of America, are very happy about his nomination.

Speaking from his Kentucky office in Dawson Springs, the Imperial Wizard exclaimed that he was “darn happy” that the “crazy ass bitch” Hillary Clinton would not be President.

This is the first time in Klan history that any members of the KKK had ever publicly supported an African American candidate for the presidency.

KKK lodges all over America gathered and held rallies throughout the campaigning session supporting the black presidential candidate.

 

KKK members in Montana show their undying support for Barack Obama

 

Grand Turk Cletus Monroe had also been very vocal about the election and had donated thousands of dollars to Obama’s election fund.

“The boy did it. My Klan group alone donated up to $250,000 to the Obama fund. Nationwide we’re talking millions were donated for Obama. Anything was better than Hillary Clinton. Hell I would’ve adopted a whole African village before I voted for Hillary. This is a wonderful day, we’re gonna be celebrating all damn week.”

“A few years back we were lynching negroes. Now we’re gonna have a black president. Hillary is gone, she’s history, vamoose! Anyone or anything is better than Hillary Clinton – anything!!”

Placards for Barack Obama had been put up around the Klan’s Headquarters and the KKK had
television ad campaigns running continuously on multiple channels for the past four months to support their favourite African American candidate.

Ku Klux Klan regional offices were in full party swing all of last night when the news of the win finally came in. All white supremacist groups across America were also jubilant once hearing the news of Obama’s historic win.

Prince William to Join 5 Week Caribbean Photo-op Cruise

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Prince William to Join 5 Week Caribbean Photo-op Cruise

Sub-Lieutenant Windsor, 25, will spend five gruelling weeks on HMS Photo Opp Amika, cruising the dangerous seas between the luxury resorts of Abaco, Bahamas and West Palm Beach, Florida.

Armed with a champagne glass he will board and search luxury yachts in a bid to stop gallons of deadly champers from escaping the famous Boujis brigadier.

Mid Rats

His other duties will include assisting the Officer of the Watch on the warship’s bridge to direct photographers from Hello magazine to land safely on the ship — plus disaster relief work if the ship runs out of gourmet ‘tucker’ and booze.

And on his rare days off the Prince will take part in community photographic opportunities with projects at local villages, like painting schools.

Rear Admiral Robert Buttplug, Assistant Chief of the Naval Staff, said: “We’ll need to watch his fatigue levels. He’s not as robust with the vodka like his brother Harry is. The guy’s going to be quite exhausted after all the partying and booze.”

William, who has just finished a photo shoot with the RAF, has been ordered by the palace on this 5-week Caribbean cruise to shake off his hanger-on girlfriend, Kate Middleton, who has aspirations on joining the royal family.

The scheduled 5 week royal photoshoot tour of the Caribbean will be a good opportunity to slow Kate’s insistence on getting married.

Prince William has been advised to switch off his mobile phone during the luxury cruise.

“The Queen herself has ordered the future king to ease the brakes on Kate’s constant endeavours to close the young prince off and force his hand into marriage. She knows that Kate is from a working class background and is simply worried for poor prince William who is being put into a corner by the ambitions of this freeloading young lady who has no job or title,” a senior palace aide divulged.

Official photos of the young royal in his uniform reveal a striking resemblance to his dad Prince Charles who served in a Navy photoshoot as well.

William’s PR stunt is part of his plan to be photographed in all three Services before he leaves the military in January. He hopes it will prepare him for his future role as mascot of the Armed Forces.

Navy chiefs considered sending him to the Gulf — but feared William would be put in danger because of the war that is in progress at the moment.

Commander Reginald Shister said: “We didn’t want him to be in a dangerous war situation even though he only ever participates in photoshoots just like his brother Harry.”

Before William leaves he will have to pass a sea-safety course, which includes keeping the drink in when there is a rough sea and posing correctly whilst negotiating with a Hello magazine photographer.

Once on board he will sleep in a cramped four-poster bedded luxury cabin, replete with en suite bathroom and rise at 2pm every day, if at all.

The British media is gearing up to a massive royal picture special extravaganza and are already preparing by having 3 million acres of forest cleared to print their newspaper spreads.

Naval analyst Jason Cocklespart said: “The first time Prince William carries out a raid on the captain’s drinks cabinet, the adrenaline will be going through his body.”

Previously Wills spent 44 weeks on a photoshoot as an Army officer followed by four months with the RAF.

Rear Admiral Buttplug said: “It will be a thrill and a privilege to have Prince William with the Royal Navy—not a pain in the arse.”

 

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