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Mosley Celebrates Court Case Win With Massive Orgy

World

Josef Potemkin

July 24, 2008

Mosley Celebrates Court Case Win With Massive Orgy

After winning the landmark case, Mr Mosley exited the High Court riding on the back of a prostitute barking out orders in German.

The assembled throng of reporters were all treated to the spectacle of Mosley being whipped violently by an assembled garrison of female SS officers whipping his back with gusto.

“I’ve seen some funny sights in my time but this really takes the Gestapo. Max was clearly in ecstasy as he was carried down the High Court steps when his 1930’s Daimler Benz pulled up carrying more stockinged whip happy whores,” an editor for the News of the Weimar newspaper recounted.

The High Court
Judge who handled the controversial case and awarded Mr Mosley the
spectacular win is no stranger to whips and chains himself and cheered
on his friend with a look of glee and jealousy.

Mr. Mosley started to talk in German and demanded he be whipped faster and harder as he got into the the backseat of the classic limousine. He then started to announce that he needed to be gassed. One of the prostitutes obliged by farting on his head leaving him gasping in delight. An old woman standing transfixed in horror vomited violently into her handbag at the sight of Mosley on all fours being whipped and gassed. The 67-year-old Mosley, who has been married for 48 years, was at one point
whipped so hard that the orgy had to be halted while a bandage was
applied to stop his bleeding.

Mosley’s eyes were rolled up in their sockets as he recited a combination of Yiddish and German whilst the whipping frenzy carried on. The limousine then drove off leaving a trail of blood and soiled knickers with the unholy sound of Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyrie blaring from the car stereo.

As President of the FIA, Mosley is responsible for overseeing international motor sports, including Formula One. He enjoys a close relationship with F1 Supremo Bernie Ecclestone who was also the cameraman during the notorious filmed orgy.

Man Dies After Swallowing Water from Chinese Swimming Pool

Sports

July 24, 2008

Man Dies After Swallowing Water from Chinese Swimming Pool

Hundreds of paramedics and doctors were in attendance at the Mao Mao Municipal Pool in the Eastern province of the city 23 km from the Olympic village on Tuesday.

One man was fatally poisoned when he swallowed a mouthful of the pool’s water which was laced with the urine and fecal matter of 47,000 swimmers in the gigantic Chinese public swimming pool.

“He was doing the breast stroke when a wave of yellow water entered his mouth. He swallowed the lot and he started choking and shaking violently,” one of the swimmers who witnessed the incident recalled.

The man died immediately after swallowing the deadly soup of urine and faeces that was in the swimming pool.

The Chinese swimming pool in the Yao Stink district is able to accommodate 230,000 swimmers at one time and on Tuesday was at low capacity of just 47,000 eager swimmers.

A toxicologist noted after taking a sample of the water that even though there is a heavy concentration of chlorine in the pool’s water, the urine and fecal matter consisted of nearly 90% of the mix.

“You can imagine what happens when 50,000 odd swimmers relax their bladders or bowels in the water. Some of the swimmers actually use the pool to wash in as well because they do not have bathrooms at home,” Lao Xing Ding Dong told the Beijing People’s Daily paper.

Bush May Not Get Elected Next Time

World

Josef Potemkin

July 23, 2008

“I done some bad things folks *hic*, and made some bad decisions. It was hard being the president. Things are hard it’s not easy. I’m asking the American people to give me a third chance. My momma always told me ‘third time lucky son’,” the president told reporters from his golf buggy during a Monday morning session.

“Third Time Lucky”

There are serious fears at the GOP headquarters that the American people may somehow wake up and refuse to elect the “bungling alcoholic chimp” again.

“These are worrying times for Bush. We have to somehow convince the American people that he is still a viable choice for the nation. They voted for him twice already even though he is clearly a delusional psychotic simpleton and has brought America to its knees. What does that say about the electorate?” Mark Rosenberg, GOP chairman told Reuters at an impromptu news conference yesterday.

The Republicans are counting on the American people to show their resolve and keen sense of intelligence to vote for the right person once more.

George W Bush had this to say at a fundraising party last night: “Fellow Americans, I just drank more bourbon..tee hee! Y’all have another drink on me. Has anybody seen my wife?”

Does America need another Bush term? Did the Titanic need another iceberg?

Barack Obama Wants Permission to Build Minarets on White House

Most Popular

Josef Potemkin

July 19, 2008

Barack Obama Wants Permission to Build Minarets on White House

Speaking at Dulles International airport on the eve of his world tour to promote his up and coming presidency, Barack Obama confirmed to reporters that he has already asked Pentagon planners to approve an Islamic addition to the White House once he moves in.

“As a nation of many colours and creeds, you can understand what I mean when I am talking about change. It is for the betterment of our great nation that I have proposed the minarets over the White House and the magnificent dome that will cover the building. I call for religious tolerance and peace amongst all men. We must all live together and not fight each other anymore,” Barack said before embarking on his journey.

The speech was truly touching and even reporters from the assembled Fox news teams were visibly shaken to tears.

The plan for the minarets has still come under fierce opposition however it will be steam-rolled through congress in September after recess.

“There will be a call to prayer in the morning and also in the afternoon from all four minarets which have high wattage speakers on them. This is a beautiful sound of the muezzin who will call the prayer so there is nothing to worry about,” Adnan Ali Khabbar who will be the Mullah in charge of the White House mosque once Obama is appointed president.

whitehousemosque500 — The magnificent addition to the White House will increase the architectural
integrity of the whole building

Barack Hussein Obama is said to be in talks with Saudi architects who will build the amazing structure and integrate it into the existing facade of the White House.

The intricate tiles for the dome will be brought specifically from Medina in Saudi Arabia and the interior of the dome will be the White House’s Oval room.

There is even call for a Hamam (Turkish Bath) in the president’s private quarters next to the harem.

“We are all set for this wonderful project which will be funded by the American taxpayer and will create thousands of jobs for labourers. The project will take four years to complete and will only cost $67 million — a bargain if I ever saw one,” Chief foreman, Bilal ibn Ribah told the Washington Times.

Obama All Set for Black House

World

Josef Potemkin

July 17, 2008

Barack
Obama is going from strength to strength and is so confident of winning the presidential race that his
campaign supporters and team are even talking about some of the minor
changes they will introduce to the White House once they are instated.

‘cracker’

Michelle
Obama has already chosen the new colour for the Black House once they are
voted in, and she reiterated the point emphatically to New Yorker magazine last week:

“It’s
time the Honky House got a new lick of paint, and we’re gonna make sure
that this time round it’s going to be a good colour and not that pale
soulless white sheeiit.”

For hundreds of years the White House has had
a whitewash whiter than white colour, but soon there will be a nice lick of black paint over the pale grand
facade of the building.

“We’re still discussing whether it should be matt black or gloss black over the president’s Washington residence. I say gloss because atleast that will reflect some kind of light,” Jill Gassburger for the Washington Obama campaign branch said at a congressional meeting on Tuesday.

‘Time for change’

Obama, who has even been endorsed by
American white supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan is touted as the new uniter in
a land of economic and racial chaos.

“McCain should be dead by the time the election comes around. I can’t see him lasting until the end of September, maybe October. That means Obama will be the next President and he has had orders from Michelle that a new lick of paint is going to go up when they move into the Black House,” a senior Obama campaign advisor advisor told us.

There is talk of introducing good wholesome food to the Black House. Levi
Seacer, who is the chef chosen by the Obamas, told the Times:
“George W Bush eats greasy ass food like cheeseburgers, freedom fries,
corndogs, pretzels and is even still learning to read and form words
with Alphabet Soup which he finds great fun. But we’re going to change
the cuisine that is served in the Black House to good ol’ wholesome soul food and
none of that dubya trash; foods like country fried steak, chitlins, hog
maws with rice and greens, corn bread and chow chow. Hmm hmmm, dang
good cooking.”

Shock as Ageing Rock Star Leaves Wife for Teen Temptress

Entertainment

Josef Potemkin

July 14, 2008

All the newspapers have been bristling with news that an ageing rickety old rock star left his wife after 30 years of marriage to go off with a young girl.

“Tight like a ..”

“This is a complete surprise and we would never have seen it coming. I mean, who would have thought an ageing rock star resembling a wrinkled old prune would hanker after some young hot tight flesh that bounces to the touch as opposed to something that resembles an old leathery corpse?” Reggie Newby, the rock star’s chauffeur told one of the tabloid papers yesterday.

The news that the rock star decided to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh with a young, hot piece of ‘chicken’ also comes with the news that the pope likes to hang out in Catholic churches and the Queen is rather partial to hanging around Buckingham Palace. Apparently, bears like to defecate in the woods too.

Oil Found in UK – US to Invade Next Week

Most Popular

Josef Potemkin

July 14, 2008

Oil Found in UK – US to Invade Next Week

Addressing
congress from a televised conference recorded in the Oval room, George
W Bush described the imminent threat posed by England’s weapons of
mass destruction.

“Intelligence gathered by this and other
governments leaves no doubt that the English regime continues to
possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised,” Mr
Bush said in his speech.

The US president also stated that British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was trying to build nuclear missiles that could hit Washington in 45 minutes.

“We know for a fact that there are weapons
there. Britain has chemical, nuclear and biological weapons, Brown has continued to produce them, he has existing and active military
plans for the use of chemical and biological weapons, which could be
activated within 45 minutes against Washington,”

There
are also purported to be tonnes of yellowcake uranium under the Queen’s
palace situated 5 km west of London as well as multiple mobile missile
launching sites manned by Al Qaeda members dotted around the capital.

Vice President, Dick Cheney added: “Simply stated, there is no doubt that Gordon Brown now has weapons of mass destruction.”

‘Shock and Awe’

“Gordon Brown poses an immediate threat to the United States of America. I
have ordered our forces to strike decisively and with great precision.
We will eliminate the imminent threat to our country and return the oil
reserves to their rightful owner — the USA.”

The president’s
speech was received with rapturous applause and cheer from the
assembled Fox News crew in the White House oval office. Fox news
anchor, Bill O’Reilly was seen to wet his spandex trousers with delight
at the news of another war.

‘Liberation’

The British oil find is said to be approximately three trillion barrels
worth and would supply the US with enough oil until the end of August of this year.

“If we invade by next week we can be drilling and pumping the oil by week two,” a Halliburton employee told Fox news.

The
people of Britain who have suffered for many years are said to be
happy that the US has finally come round to invading them and getting
rid of the vile dictator Brown.

I’m an Older Shylock, Says PM

World

Josef Potemkin

July 13, 2008

In a New Statesman interview the prime minister was told: “Most people say you remind them of Shylock.”

He replied: “Maybe an older Shylock, a wiser Shylock.”

He said like Shylock, he did not “take any prisoners” and will take what is his “without fail”. But Shakespeare expert Bertrand Tinsdale said the character was actually “not an ideal role-model”.

A pound of flesh

In The Merchant of Venice, written between 1596 and 1598, Shylock is an embittered, violent figure who treats most others with cruelty and contempt and who is a vicious heartless avaricious usurer.

Mr Tinsdale, collections manager of the Shakespeare Literary Museum at Stratford-upon-avon, Warwickshire, told the New Statesman: “The thing about Shylock is he turned to vengeance, greed and hatred and wants to punish people just like Gordon Brown’s greedy hatred can be seen in his over-taxing the populations of Britain.

“Is this the role model we want for a British prime minister?

“Gordon Brown revels in his hated status as chief bloodsucker and evil henchman who leaves people destitute. It seems our PM does not care how he is perceived and will continue to keep taking pounds of flesh from the people until someone or something dares to stop him.”

Elsewhere in the interview Mr Brown laughed off suggestions he had a bad temper saying: “I do not have a fu**ing bad temper you stupid moronic twerp piece of sh*t! If you dare to publish what I just fu**ing said I will take more than a pound of flesh from you. Now open your shirt before I lose my temper further. I will take a pound now and leave some for later!!”

The Merchant of Venice

Shylock, a wealthy Jew is one of the main characters of the play. His merciless and uncompassionate nature is revealed when he seeks the life of another man to sate his vengeance and greed.

Laurence Olivier and several other leading actors have played him on screen.

Mr Brown did not have to wait long to hear reference to Shylock in the House of Commons.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne called for an early U-turn on car tax plans, adding that it was time for “Shylock to put the knife away and not take anymore pounds of flesh”.

Conservative leader David Cameron, responding to Mr Brown’s statement on introducing further taxes on the poor, said: “I am sure I speak for the whole country when I say I am disgusted to see Shylock carrying on with his awful ways again.”

Is Emphysema the new Anorexia?

Entertainment

Josef Potemkin

July 12, 2008

London’s ‘it’ circles are teeming with oxygen masks as the new emphysema fashion craze is sweeping though the cool and the hip.

The new craze is causing mayhem amongst the daughters of rock celebrities like Bob Geldof and Sting and it’s all thanks to Amy Winehouse, 24, who has emphysema from smoking crack rocks all day long.

Pete Doherty’s Crack

“I’ve seen Peaches and Pixie smoking crack like it was going out of fashion. Sting’s daughter, Coco, who now hangs out with Pete Doherty, smokes so much crack that she’s lost her voice temporarily. They say it’s the new fashion and they want to get emphysema too just like Amy,” DJ Jack Curran who regularly spins for the stars in Camden’s Monarch pub told Melody Maker magazine.

For the last few years anorexia was the big thing, especially in the fashion world where size zero was all the rage. Now emphysema and walking around with an oxygen tank is the current craze of choice with the party set of Camden and Primrose Hill. Kate Moss and Sadie Frost have already had oxygen tanks delivered to their homes, and Kate Moss is often seen sporting hers whilst driving her daughter to school.

‘Sema like Amy

Last week one of Bob Geldof’s daughters was seen at Claridge’s with an oxygen tank and mask firmly in tow. She was spied downing large vodkas and even attempting to smoke while the oxygen mask was still over her face. The photo event was celebrated in all media sources with full page spreads thus encrusting her jaunt into celebrity history.

Emphysema is an irreversible degenerative condition, so once you get it you’ve got it for life. Smoke from crack cocaine is particularly harsh on the lungs and will deteriorate the body faster than other products like tobacco.

“Crack is the drug of choice for these celebrities because it will speed up the onset of the degenerative lung disease faster than smoking normal cigarettes,” Angie Dickinson, a reporter for the BBC 5 music programme ‘Munters’ featuring pop celebrity Lilly Allen, said.

Oil Found in Zimbabwe – UK and US to Invade Next Week

World

Josef Potemkin

July 11, 2008

Oil Found in Zimbabwe – UK and US to Invade Next Week

Addressing congress from a televised conference recorded in the Oval room, George W Bush described the imminent threat posed by Zimbabwe’s weapons of mass destruction.

“Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Zimbabwe regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised,” Mr Bush said in his speech.

The US president also stated that Mugabe was trying to build nuclear missiles that could hit the Western world in 45 minutes.

“We know for a fact that there are weapons there. Zimbabwe has chemical, nuclear and biological weapons, Mugabe has continued to produce them, he has existing and active military plans for the use of chemical and biological weapons, which could be activated within 45 minutes against the west,”

There are also purported to be tonnes of yellowcake uranium under Mugabe’s palace situated 45 km west of Harare as well as multiple mobile missile launching sites manned by Al Qaeda members dotted around the capital.

Vice President, Dick Cheney added: “Simply stated, there is no doubt that Robert Mugabe now has weapons of mass destruction.”

‘Shock and Awe’

“Robert Mugabe poses an immediate threat to the United States of America. I have ordered our forces to strike decisively and with great precision. We will eliminate the imminent threat to our country and return the oil reserves to their rightful owner — the USA.”

The president’s speech was received with rapturous applause and cheer from the assembled Fox News crew in the White House oval office. Fox news anchor, Bill O’Reilly was seen to wet his spandex trousers with delight at the news of another war.

‘Liberation’

The Zimbabwe oil find is said to be approximately three trillion barrels worth and would supply the US with enough oil until September.

“If we invade by next week we can be drilling and pumping the oil by week two,” a Halliburton employee told Fox news.

The people of Zimbabwe who have suffered for many years are said to be happy that the US has finally come round to invading them and getting rid of the vile dictator Mugabe.