Labour education ministers were today considering the latest proposal from a highly respected professor of Chavology at Runcorn University.

Professor Ken Smith is so proud of marking his Chavology students’ lazy nonsensical attempts at English that he has proposed the most common spelling atrocities committed by his moronic pupils be accepted as “variant spellings”.

“2b? nt2b? = ???”

The Labour government keen to carry on with their mantra spin of “Education, education, education” are seriously considering adopting mobile phone SMS text language and misspellings within the national curriculum.

“We would like to leave something for the historians to write about. Something that will remind people of the Labour legacy in our great country. This new proposal will entail re-publishing all English dictionaries worldwide to include the improved spellings,” Ed Balls, the education minister told us.

The professor has also proposed that the English language should be altered in all legal documents and medical literature as well.

The entire works of Shakespeare and John Milton have already been re-written in mobile phone text language.

“Rmeo, Rmeo – wher4 rt thou Rmeo?”

An example of the English words that will be changed have been included in an information leaflet handed out to all libraries in England and Wales. Scotland will also be updated with a new vocabulary but first linguistics experts have to try and understand what the Scots are saying before they can draft a proposal.

To start, he suggested 10 words including “arguement” for “argument” and “twelth” for “twelfth”.

There has also been calls for “shanking” to be included in the English dictionary because of the current popularity in the UK for knife murder amongst children. The rise in daily stabbings and knife murders has made the word “shank” (to stab) so popular that it is now a game on networking site Facebook.

He added: “We need to adapt to the youth of Britain. The truth is none of them can spell anymore and are more used to SMS text language than proper English, innit. My proposal is designed to make it betterer for the youth of this country to be included.”

Gramr? Wat’s dat?

Spelling Society chairman Jack Bovill welcomed the Runcorn New University lecturer’s idea: “This is a marvellous proposal by the professor and our spelling society welcomes it wholeheartedly. It is high time that the youth of Britain brought something positive to the English language.”

A-level and GCSE exams in the UK will also be altered to accept the SMS text language along with common spelling mistakes.

Labour ministers say that everyone in England and Wales is now guaranteed an A+ mark in all exams.

The exam board for England and Wales has provided an example of what is now acceptable in the English literature A-level exam.

An excerpt from Hamlet’s famous soliloquy in SMS text language:

HAMLET: 2 b, or nt 2 b–tht is = ?:

Wether ’tis nbler in da mynd 2 sffr

Da slings N arrows ov outragus 4toon

Or 2 tke rms agst a C of trubles

N by opposin end dem. 2 die, 2 sleep–

No mre–n by a sleep 2 say wii nd

Da hartake, n da 1000 nturl shoks

DAT flsh is air 2. ‘Tis a consmtion

Dvoutly 2 b wshed. 2 die, 2 sleep–

2 sleep–perchnce 2 dreem: ay, dere’s da rub,

For in dat sleep ov deth wot dreems may cum

Wen wii av shuffled off dis mrtal coil,

Mst gve us paws. 🙂

Comrade Brown, who was at his modest dacha in Southwold tending his cabbages made a brief but strong message to all party workers and comrades via a televisual Soviet relay.

“Brothers and sisters of the great Soviet British State of Britain. It seems that a trusted member and former comrade of the peoples Bolshevik brigade has betrayed our great Soviet utopia. This person (spitting words out) is a coward and has attempted to meddle in the True Age of Change and my 10 year plan of mass collectivisation Soviet eco-growth. I reveal the name of this yellow traitor — David Miliband ex-Commissar for Foreign Soviet Affairs.” (Hushed whispers and gasps of surprise from assembled crowds of party workers and Stasi officials)

After a brief pause where Comrade Brown stares at the camera and brings down his fist with a loud clunk on the table he carries on with the speech.

“I have made arrangements for his immediate despatch to Gulag 4355 in Glasgow East, Sector 101. For the next 42 years he will be subjected to hard labour and daily re-education sessions courtesy of Comrade Balls. There will be no dissent and no one will get in the way of the New Age of Change. This is a warning to any other comrades within our ranks who think they know better than my clunking fist of total authority and control. Comrade Harman, you are being watched. You are all being watched for your own good and Soviet freedom.”

Pip Squeak

To assert Comrade Brown’s authority there was a parade of traitors at Trafalgar Red Square yesterday. The cowardly slime that is Miliband confessed his sins to all the assembled Soviet workers and party officials.

Speaking in a high-pitched whiny voice, ex-comrade Miliband uttered these words to the baying crowd: “I, David Miliband have betrayed our great leader Comrade Brown. I have betrayed our Soviet state and all it stands for. I am guilty of horrible cowardice and of consorting with other traitors to try and halt the New Era of Change. I confess that I even made attempts to paint a moustache above my top lip to try and look more manly and Soviet-like. I am guilty of many crimes against the Soviet state and I will be rightly punished for being the instrument of power-hungry Marxist lies and my disgusting opposition to the great Brown Vision of Change. ”

The jeers from the crowd could be heard for miles as the traitor Miliband was then taken by Stasi guards and driven to the eco-gulag where he will stay for the next 42 years.

Notice: B62111 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Prime Minister Gordon Brown brought his usual cheer to the seaside town of Weston-super-Mare today and blessed the famous pier, which was built in 1904, with his luck.

Witnesses say they saw the hapless PM near the pier when large columns of flames shot up 20 feet into the air.

“Gordon Brown has visited our pier. Thank you Gordon Brown! Thank you very much!” an angry resident, Reg Bridlington, 67, told reporters.

The fiery inferno ripped through the partly-wooden structure and sent clouds of grey
smoke spiralling into the air which could be seen 15 miles away. The residents of Weston-super-Mare were today counting the cost of the unlucky PM visiting their town. They know full well that bad luck follows him everywhere.

Scores of firefighters fought the flames which took hold of the 104-year-old
Grade II-listed pier at about 7am, but it took little over an hour for the
pavilion to be reduced to a tangle of blackened metal.

Lord Archer, who has better luck than Gordon, was brought up in Weston-super-Mare. He recalled fondly spending “far
too many pennies” on the local prostitutes whilst trawling the pier and of how he met his wife Mary whilst she was working the pier herself one summer holiday.

He said: “It will take years if it is to be restored to its former glory. It didn’t have a bloody chance. Once that morose Stalinist Gordon turned up — disaster was on the books.”

Speaking from his modest dacha in Southwold, the unelected leader did not even flinch when he was told the grave news of a rebellion in the Labour state’s heartland of Glasgow East which is firmly ensconced within Sector 101.

Iron Fist of Sovietization

“Despite the democratic disease creeping into my 10 year plan for the total integration of all citizens within the eco-state, the collectivisation of all farmers, the increasing of even more taxation and the reduction of all living standards for all Soviet Britons, we shall not falter. I have despatched Commissar Ed Balls to Sector 101 where he will be assigned to re-educate the traitors who erred from the true path of totalitarian eco-rule. I am listening to what the people are saying, this is why I have ordered more listening devices and CCTV surveillance cameras. I will listen to your opinions, then I will discard them as always because I am your supreme unelected leader and have complete control over every facet of every plebes life. I’m getting on with the job. My task is getting on with the job of integrating more taxation and more surveillance in the Soviet Era of Change. It’s exactly what I want to do. And, rest assured I will do it!”

Under unelected leader Comrade Brown’s outstanding leadership, the Soviet State is currently benefiting from a high standard of living. Citizens and party workers can now enjoy an extra ration of porridge every week and an extra teaspoon of sugar once a month.

Comrade Brown will reward proles with a further increase in taxation for all goods and services next week as a special thank you for not electing the unelected leader who is in supreme control over everything.

We have news that some listening devices suffered breakdowns in Sector 34 – 36 last night so all citizens in that area are urged to look out for any dissent or speech crimes against Comrade Brown and report these vile crimes to your nearest Stasi official.

A commendation must be made to 12 year old Herbert Allinson who reported his own mother as a thought criminal in Sector 43 last night. The boy’s mother has been sent to an eco camp to be re-educated for 42 years.

Remember comrades, be vigilant and listen out for traitors, they are everywhere.

Notice: B64225 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!