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Iceland on Sale for $5,999.99 on eBay

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Iceland on Sale for $5,999.99 on eBay

Located in the North Atlantic Ocean between mainland Europe and Greenland. It is the least populous of the Nordic countries and the second smallest; it has a population of about 320,000 and a total area of 103,000 km².

The internet auction will not include Iceland’s greatest export, Bjork but will include lots of volcanoes, glaciers, penguins and some people with some very interesting names like Sigurður Breiðfjörð (pronounced similar to the sound of coughing up phlegm).

The Icelandic economy is totally bankrupted but you can find solace in the fact that the local cuisine of delicacies like cured ram’s scrota (skyr) and barbecued sheep heads will be there to keep you warm in this f*cking freezing penniless wasteland of an island.

The eBay auction was put up by Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson who is the current president of Iceland.

“Atleast if we get a few thousand dollars for our whole island we will be happy. We can even make the person who buys our country ruler, king or emperor. Whatever title you want. Last year we were proclaimed as the most developed country in the world by the United Nations’ Human Development Index, today in 2008 we rank below Zimbabwe and therefore our eBay price is reflected in this fall from grace.”

 



Already there has been a huge interest in the eBay auction and many thousands of people are flocking to the internet auction house to take a peek and maybe add on a few pennies to the bid price.

The latest from the auction shows the current price to purchase Iceland at $12,675.

‘We Got Him’

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‘We Got Him’

‘Ladies and Gentlemen — We Got Him!’

The tired, bloated figure of OJ Simpson was shown on giant TV
screens today to prove the former football and Hollywood star had been captured
alive and finally sentenced by a U.S. court after thirteen years on the run.

America’s chief administrative Judge in Las Vegas Paul Bremer walked to
the rostrum of a casino courtroom press conference and uttered the words:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, We Got Him!” There were cheers from the
assembled press corps. Bremer described it as “A great day for America.”

OJ was found hiding in a “spider hole” in the
cellar of a rural farmhouse near the Western Las Vegas town of Groom Lake 15
miles south of Las Vegas, by 600 troops from the U.S. 14th Infantry
Division. Operation Catch OJ struck at 8.30 p.m. local time catching Simpson and his entourage almost “unawares”. No shots were fired.

There were more whoops and gasps when a video was shown of Simpson being given a brief medical examination. Nicole Simpson’s and Ron Goldman’s relatives in the room
screamed insults at the screen and punched the air in triumph.
Police Lieutenant Ricardo Burrito, commander of casino
forces in Las Vegas, told the Clark County Regional Justice Center that OJ Simpson was cooperating with the authorities. “There will not be anymore long car chases in a white truck televised for everyone to see. He’s going to jail this time for good.”

News first broke when a spokeswoman for U.S. police
forces in Las Vegas said a “very important” announcement would be made at
a news conference at 1200 GMT. The only comment was that there had been
several arrests including “a high-value target”.

Daily Squib Bank Account Guarantees All Deposits

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Daily Squib Bank Account Guarantees All Deposits

After Irish and Greek banks were the only ones who could guarantee deposits in the whole of Europe, the Daily Squib is set to be the first newspaper which has set up its own financial monetary haven.

As rumours flew in another day of fast-moving drama in Europe, the credit
system continued to flash warning signs of extreme stress. Three-month
Euribor – the benchmark rate used for floating mortgages and financial
contracts — rose to a post-EMU record of 5.33pc.

Governments across Eastern Europe were forced to issue statements on Thursday
assuring depositors that their banks were safe. Traders said Ukraine is on
the brink of a currency crisis.

By depositing your hard earned money in the Daily Squib bank accounts you are guaranteed a bona-fide safe haven for your money.

Chief Finance Editor for the Squib, N. Ron Hubbub speaking from his brand spanking new Lamborghini Murcielago made a statement to investors yesterday: “Your money is safe with us folks. Just deposit everything you have in our bank account and everything will be alright.”

There has already been a hug influx of money into the offshore Daily Squib accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Please deposit all your money to account number: 696966669 Sort Code: 69-69-69

Banks to Diversify by Selling Groceries

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Banks to Diversify by Selling Groceries

Some of the banks who will now be selling everyday groceries to the public are barely teetering on the edge of the financial chasm.

After the Northern Rock, Bradford and Bingley banks were bailed out by the taxpayer to the tune of £300 billion in total, Labour has advised hard up banks to find other ways of raising funds because the public purse is so empty.

“We aim to sell fresh fruit and vegetables to the public from next month. So you can go cash a cheque or pay your mortgage and buy a prize marrow or some aubergines while you’re at it. We will be selling our own brand of coffee next week and you can also get your stamps here as well,” Earl Ponser , Finance Director for Lloyds TSB Halifax Bank told reporters at an opening ceremony at the flagship branch in central London.

“Three carrots for a pound”

Gone are the days of walking into a bank and seeing an orderly queue waiting for service. Banks in England are now lively affairs with bustling crowds and the electronic plinking noise of cash registers fanning out of buildings.

We asked one customer what he thought of the new service: “I like it. I used to dread going to the bank but now you can’t get me out. Where else can you arrange a new overdraft and buy a bag of potatoes to lug home for your supper? Next they’ll be selling cheap clothing from China and plastic trinkets that break after a few days, I actually had to blink when I walked in the other day because I thought I had walked into my local Tesco.”

In America, many banks are now offering customers the option to buy guns in their branches. Washington based bank, Washington Mutual has opened gun stores in all of their 354 branches in Washington state.

“Since the credit crunch has hit we had to diversify our business. We all know how Americans love their guns so we decided that gun shops are the best way you earn extra cash. You can come in the morning, do your banking business, then purchase an Uzi 9mm and be on your way,” John McCready, Marketing manager for Washington Mutual revealed.

Selling guns in a bank may not be such a great idea because since the new gun shops have been installed in banks last week there has been an increase of 76% of armed robberies in that state.

Scientific Study Reveals Lazy People Live Longer

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Scientific Study Reveals Lazy People Live Longer

Too lazy to peel a banana? Too lazy to get a 9-5 job pressing hubcaps in a factory? Well, you’re in luck.

Professor Anders Fuglesang of the Stockholm Institute has been studying data collated for the last fifty years on the effects of laziness in humans and life expectancy.

“Our data suggests that there is a clear correlation within the life expectancy of humans who like to take things easy, to lounge around and not get stressed, to paint, make love slowly and generally enjoy life without the rigours of hard work. The controlled study subjects who were deemed ‘lazy’ lived longer by about 15-20 years on average. Those subjects who had hectic jobs or lives with busy schedules on average lived shorter lives.”

The data also suggests that subjects who enjoyed a life of leisure were more content with their lives and could indulge in their hobbies whereas those who had hectic lives were limited in time for themselves.

Key study findings found that most of the population routinely work themselves to death and by the age of 45 or 50 are so decrepit and destroyed inside that their remaining years alive are limited.

“There has to be a good balance to the issue of work and play. The key to longevity in any capacity holds many factors however we have found that those who take life easier and chill out live longer. Those who live chaotic, busy lifestyles live less. The study is still ongoing and we are always collating new data so who is to say what else we may find?”

The study concludes that hard work and constant pressure are precursors to early death and should be avoided at all costs.

Comrades Across World Welcome Centralized Economy

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Comrades Across World Welcome Centralized Economy

It may seem like market turmoil to you, the crescendo of raised voices uttered from shrieking newscasters as they ejaculate their fearful bulletins to news services all over the world, however, do not be afraid comrades because the people who are in charge are simply rearranging the furniture.

The wealth held by the elite is dutifully paid for by the taxpayer. As the governors of the lumpen masses, they are simply issuing a more central global economy and ushering the new era of one world government into overt existence.

“Comrade Bush has done his job very well. His job was to destroy America’s economy so that the big boys can integrate their wealth globally within a completely central economic system of control. America’s job was also to integrate unruly areas like Iraq and Afghanistan and destroy the last monotheistic religion left — Islam. Once that job is completed, then most of the work will be done. China is the model state and America is simply emulating their communist nationalised system. The UK went under a long time ago and Comrade Brown must be commended for his destruction of the British Sterling and economy,” Tommy Malthus, a researcher for the Brussels based non governmental think tank, Eugenics Institute, told Reuters.

Scientific Dictatorship

The next war is with internal populations. A global single government can only look inward for the next threat. The elite Barons have been fleecing the “plebiscite” for many years and now is no different from any other time apart from one small factor — more visible fleecing.

“Hundreds of years ago it was all too easy to fleece populations blind because of low education standards and slow news delivery. Populations today are even easier to fleece and though they read about it in their papers, mobiles and pc’s, they still choose to stay asleep. They know they are being fleeced but there is nothing they can do about it and besides, they are being entertained with so many gadgets and media they can’t be bothered to even look up and smell the coffee. We use repetition a lot to keep pounding away with the soundbites. The populations are given the reality that we want them to believe. We have been changing their beliefs for so long now that they have no perception of anything outside of our controlled system created for them specifically. It is all too easy these days to bring forth what we want. They are grazing away adrift in nonchalance and apathy. Perfect for the slaughter,” a source from the Institute revealed.

Slavery never went away, it simply morphed into a more covert state. The taxpayers job is to serve the elite psychopaths and provide for their every whim and wish.

Indeed, the war of integration will take many years to complete. Just like the towers of New York city that disintigrated into dust on one sunny day, so will the long standing institutions crumble and be assimilated into one world government.

John McCain’s Vice President Sarah Palin Learning the Ropes

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John McCain’s Vice President Sarah Palin Learning the Ropes

After leaving Alaska for the first time in her life to go to Washington, Sarah Palin is finally coming to terms with the role she is expected to play as the Vice President to John McCain.

The first thing the campaign advisers taught her is how to revive someone after they have had a heart attack or stroke. The medical term for this procedure is CPR and can be the difference between life or death for the recipient.

Sarah will also be briefed on how to change McCain’s colostomy bag in an emergency as well as feeding him his mush.

“This is a very important role for Sarah and I know she will make a very good nurse..ahem.. I mean Vice President,” Ronson Connors, a McCain adviser told CNN.

When John McCain wins the presidency, the White House will be remodelled for wheelchair access, mobility scooters, chairlifts and emergency buzzers in case of a slip.

“John needs his
daily injections to stay alive so Sarah will administer these everyday.
This is a very important job so she is going to have a lot of
responsibility on her head,” Mr Connors added.

VP Palin will conduct her important role within the White House wearing a very fetching nurse’s uniform including some very hot suspenders and revealing white top exposing her busty cleavage. This may have to be curtailed however because watching her bending over to pick up McCain’s teeth off the floor may cause some fatal heart attacks.

Amy Winehouse to Star in Female Version of Scarface Movie

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Amy Winehouse to Star in Female Version of Scarface Movie

The new Scarface movie is an adaptation of an Oliver Stone script which he penned whilst wacked out on cocaine back in 1981.

“Say hello to my little friend”

“I wrote this script during my bad years. I needed the money and was asked to do a job about the drug trade and gangsters. I myself was doing huge amounts of cocaine during that period as was everyone else in the industry. Brian [De-Palma] approached me last year and asked if I could incorporate that script with the British pop star Amy Winehouse. I didn’t know who she was at first but after checking out her picture on google I immediately agreed to the project,” Stone told Empire magazine.

The soundtrack will revisit the electronic eighties kitsch of Giorgio Moroder but with Amy’s f*cked up slurring vocals included.

“We wanted someone who looked and talked the part. Amy Winehouse fits like a glove,” Jose Rodriguez, one of the casting directors for the movie told Empire magazine.

There are even rumours of surprise cameo appearances from Al Pacino himself, as well as gore and violence expert, Quentin Tarantino who is tipped to appear in another spectacular chainsaw scene.

“You know what? F*ck you! How about that?”

“Scarface with Pacino was hardcore, but the movie with Amy Winehouse will make the first film look like a nuns tea party in a convent. We had a preview screening for a few scenes last week in the studio and many in the audience were visibly sick, some even vomited into their popcorn. We’ve also had to utilise automatic projection machines because no projectionist could last for more than three minutes watching that movie. Amy is going to win us an Oscar for this for sure. I’ve never seen Quentin Tarantino actually scared for his life, he spent a night with Amy Winehouse for research purposes — the dude was crying like a baby at the end of the night,” Stone added.

The new film starring Amy Winehouse is set for release in August of 2009 and will be distributed by Miramax.

George Michael Builds Public Toilet in North London Home

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George Michael Builds Public Toilet in North London Home

Walking into George Michael’s secluded Highgate mansion in North London you are immediately assaulted with the distinct smell of urine and the sound of flushing urinals.

The toilet obsessed music star is such a fan of lavatories that he has built his own replica public toilet in his house.

“I love the smell of urine in the morning. Armitage Shanks is my hero. Look at this toilet bowl it’s so clean you can almost eat your dinner off it..and I often do I tell you,” he exclaims pointing at one of the urinals in the kitchen.

Every room in the 24 bedroom mansion is decked out with similar toilet furnishings including a large authentic looking toilet cubicle in the drawing room resplendent with graffiti on the walls and a freshly laid turd languishing on the toilet seat. There are also extensive facilities available for all the daily visitors to indulge in crack smoking and the strongest skunk weed is available day and night. The police do not bother George because of his famous celebrity status and this is proven because whenever they catch him in public smoking crack they let him off with a mild caution.

George doesn’t have to venture out into the dank public gentlemen’s toilets in London or LA anymore because he’s got everything he wants at home.

“I used to enjoy blowing white van men I just met in the Hampstead Heath bogs but sadly the thrill is gone. Too many coppers about trying to stop the Greek lover doin’ his thang. All I want and enjoy is now at home, so gay builders now visit my toilets for a session without fear of prosecution. On a good day you can see the queue for my toilets going out past my car-park and sometimes even onto the main street.”

George Michael’s toilets are so popular that he has even employed his long-term boyfriend Kenny Goss as the official toilet cleaner to mop up the daily ejaculate mess from the hundreds of males who visit the £7.5 million mansion in North London.

Haringey council approved planning permission for the toilets in George Michael’s house within a week of applying on grounds that he was providing a public service to many men in the borough and the Greater London area.

Russian Annual Breastfeeding Vodka Marathon Underway

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Russian Annual Breastfeeding Vodka Marathon Underway

This years annual Russian Breastfeeding Vodka Marathon was held at an old Vodka distillery in Izmaylovo district, Moscow.

Russians are renowned for their Vodka drinking skills, therefore it is no surprise that they wean their children on Vodka straight from the teats of the lovely Vodka drinking babushkas on display at the annual breastfeeding awareness festival.

Olga Pskovskaya, one of the ladies who has organised the festival, told the Daily Squib about the many benefits young Russian infants can receive from being breastfed from a young age with the delights of milk infused Vodka.

“In Russia we introduce babies at a young age to Vodka, it is a tradition for many hundreds of years. We like Vodka very much so when mothers breastfeed their baby they introduce the infants to the delights of our national drink. We very proud of our mothers and the babies all love the taste.”

Daily Squib reporter Eugene Fortnoy was then offered a sample of one of the Russian ladies’ breast milk and described the taste: “A heavenly taste, like a white Russian cocktail. I had a few sips of one of the young mother’s breast milk, and I was drunk as a skunk. No wonder Russian babies are so quiet, they’re usually whacked out of their heads on mother’s milk. This stuff must be at least 65% proof. I had to go lie down for an hour afterwards in my hotel room.”

Russia: International Breastfeeding marathon. “The global wave of breastfeeding” The goal: to convince all pregnant women that mother’s milk is the best that you can give an infant.

The Russian breastfeeding marathon is set to be a great success once again and will be held next year in St Petersburg.

Next year’s event will showcase over 700 breastfeeding Russian mothers and will hopefully increase awareness to other Russian mothers with regard to the benefits of breastfeeding.

“It is more natural for Russian mothers to feed their infants from the breast with Vodka than straight from the bottle. In recent years there has been a propensity to wean infants straight from the Vodka bottle bypassing the woman’s breast, this is not a good development and should be discouraged. Once the children are at three or four years old then they can go straight onto the bottle,” Ms Pskovskaya added.

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