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Woke Producer Who Single-handedly Destroyed the Star Wars Franchise Strikes Again

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Woke Producer Who Single-handedly Destroyed the Star Wars Franchise Strikes Again

You may or may not have heard of Kathleen Kennedy, the Disney/Lucasfilm film producer who single-handedly destroyed the Star Wars franchise, but in a turn of events that will have many puking into their popcorn bags, she is back again to ‘wokify’ the Indiana Jones franchise. No wonder Spielberg walked away from this one.

This time, Luke Skywalker is not depicted milking green milk out of some alien’s teats for his morning cereal, but poor old ageing Harrison Ford has to deal with his feminist woke god-daughter played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

In a stunning display of creative destruction, Kennedy has re-emerged on the scene once again much like an unwanted case of bubbling super Gonorrhoea, armed with the most powerful weapon of our time: woke soviet political correctness and a hyper-woke ideology. With an unwavering commitment to dismantling every cherished film franchise, this producer has become a force to be reckoned with, leaving no trope unscathed and no story untarnished. You want your cherished film franchise completely destroyed? Then bring in Kathleen Kennedy to decimate, eviscerate and kill off any semblance of joy film watchers had in past films.

Gone are the days when filmmakers simply entertained audiences with captivating narratives and timeless characters. This visionary producer has taken it upon herself to be the moral compass of the industry, ensuring that every film conforms to the rigid guidelines of social justice, hardcore feminism, inclusivity, and, of course, the ever-elusive “woke” political indoctrination factor.

Remember, Wokism is a nefarious soviet communist technique that cannot create anything new, it can only ruin the past, and history.

No longer can we revel in the simple pleasures of escapism and suspend our disbelief. Kathleen Kennedy, like a self-appointed guardian of virtue, has made it her mission to infuse every frame with a heavy-handed political agenda. Forget about character development or engaging storytelling—what truly matters is the progressive sovietised virtue-signalling message of the day.

Want a classic film franchise revitalized? Well, think again. Prepare yourself for the unapologetic onslaught of contrived diversity, where characters are shoehorned in based on arbitrary identity quotas rather than actual narrative relevance. Who needs a coherent plot when you can have a checklist of social justice buzzwords?

But it doesn’t stop there. Oh no, Kennedy won’t rest until every cherished aspect of a film franchise is distorted beyond recognition. Time-honoured traditions and iconic elements are cast aside like yesterday’s rubbish, all in the name of appeasing the perpetually outraged Twitter mob. Because, let’s face it, the true measure of artistic success lies in the number of retweets and “likes” from the cunting woke brigade.

Say goodbye to fun and entertainment, folks. Prepare yourself for two hours of guilt-ridden self-reflection and lectures on privilege. Who needs escapism when you can have a relentless barrage of finger-wagging and sermonizing? Isn’t that what we all signed up for when we bought our film tickets?

So, let us raise a toast to this illustrious producer, who valiantly ruins every film franchise she touches in the name of progress and virtue signalling. Bravo! The destruction of beloved stories and the alienation of loyal fans have never been more en vogue.

In the end, we can only hope that sanity and creative freedom will prevail. But until then, buckle up, dear audience, for the ride of a lifetime. Just don’t expect it to be enjoyable, coherent, or remotely faithful to the source material. After all, who needs a successful film franchise when you can have a preachy, politically correct mess?

Harry & Meghan Catastrophic Two Hour Car Chase at 5 MPH Through Manhattan

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Harry & Meghan Catastrophic Two Hour Car Chase at 5 MPH Through Manhattan

In a rare display of thrilling action and high-speed excitement, a catastrophic car chase through the streets of Manhattan unfolded yesterday at an astonishing 5 miles per hour, leaving onlookers breathless with anticipation. Inside the vehicle being chased were Prince Harry, Meghan Markle and Meghan’s mother.

‘relentless pursuit lasting more than two hours’ 

“It was absolutely terrifying and could have resulted in catastrophic disaster as the paparazzi chased us through 5 MPH traffic in Manhattan,” a terrified Prince Harry recalled.

The slow-motion pursuit began when press photographers saw Meghan Markle leaving an awards ceremony, where she was showered with praise and given an award for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

As the car chase weaved through traffic at a blistering 5 miles per hour, pedestrians and cyclists effortlessly overtook the pursuit, casting perplexed glances at the unusual spectacle. Bystanders quickly realized that they could outpace the chase on foot or even on a leisurely bicycle ride.

The streets of Manhattan transformed into a comical obstacle course as the celebrity filled vehicle meandered through congested intersections, pausing at each red light as if rehearsing a choreographed routine. Pedestrians exchanged bemused glances and wondered if they had unknowingly entered an alternate reality where time itself had slowed to a crawl.

News helicopters, typically tasked with capturing adrenaline-pumping chases came and went, missing the 5 MPH car chase.

In a surprising twist, local residents, known for their New York hustle, gathered on sidewalks and balconies to cheer on the Harry and Meghan chase with sarcastic applause and exaggerated yawns. Street vendors seized the opportunity, offering popcorn and folding chairs for rent, turning the spectacle into a peculiar form of slow-motion entertainment.

“We saw one guy push a corn dog through the window as Meghan Markle visibly retched at the smell. She is a strict vegan who only eats specially sourced bio-organic ethical food. This was their catastrophic car chase, it was fucking hilarious. Prince Harry, what a nonce, he was shouting into a phone and looked terrified,” a bystander revealed to Fox Local.

As the pursuit continued at its leisurely pace, frustrated drivers stuck in the snail-paced traffic honked their horns in impotent frustration, their exasperation echoing through the streets like a symphony of annoyance.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the chase came to a gentle conclusion when the vehicle holding the celebrities arrived at the four-star Michelin restaurant, the trio quickly rushed out of the car, but made sure to slow down when the paparazzi started clicking away. It is good to see that Harry and Meghan are now receiving more privacy these days than they were in the UK.

Revealed: The Brexit that was Never a Brexit that Never Actually Happened

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Revealed: The Brexit that was Never a Brexit that Never Actually Happened

In a stunning twist of fate, it has been revealed that the infamous “Brexit” was, in fact, nothing more than an elaborate ruse, a grand performance put on for the amusement of the masses. After years of political drama, debates, and negotiations, it turns out that the whole ordeal was just an illusion, a theatrical production on an unprecedented scale.

Last year over a million people migrated to Britain; over 91,773 illegal migrants crossed the Channel since 2018, over 4,800 EU laws still in operation in the UK, all of British law is still governed by the European Court of Justice as well as the European Court of Human Rights.

The curtain rises on the grand stage of British politics, and the actors, dressed in their finest suits and gowns, take their positions. Prime Minister Sunak, the inheritor of the charade, tries desperately to deliver a passionate speech about sovereignty, independence, and taking back control even though the Tory Party and Cabinet has effectively been eviscerated of Brexiteers. The crowd roars with applause, completely unaware of the impending twist.

As the ridiculous scenes unfold, it becomes clear that there is no substance behind the rhetoric. The negotiations, once thought to be critical, are nothing more than a series of staged conversations, each carefully crafted to give the illusion of progress where there is in fact none. The actors, playing the roles of diplomats and negotiators, exchange empty words and hollow promises, all while the clock ticks towards on as nothing has changed.

Meanwhile, the media frenzy surrounding Brexit reaches fever pitch. News outlets churn out headline after headline, dissecting every detail of the non-existent negotiations. Pundits, with their expert analysis, debate the implications of a Brexit that never was, each displaying a remarkable ability to argue passionately about nothing at all.

Citizens, caught up in the whirlwind of uncertainty, cling to every word from the political stage. Some cheer for Brexit, others decry it, but all are united in their confusion and frustration. They march in protest, demanding action on an event that was nothing more than smoke and mirrors.

“We are against Brexit and are furious to have supposedly left the EU even though we have not technically left the EU and are still ruled by Brussels and all the Remainers in charge in parliament,” one confused protester revealed.

The rest of the world watches in amusement and bewilderment. Global leaders scratch their heads, unsure of how to respond to a crisis that doesn’t actually exist. Diplomatic relations hang in the balance, suspended by an illusion that has captivated an entire nation.

But as the final act approaches, the truth is revealed. The actors take their bows, and Prime Minister Sunak steps forward once more, this time to confess the grand deception. The Brexit that was never a Brexit has not materialised in any fashion, and will never materialise as long as the Remainers are in charge of everything.

It is time for the next General Election in 2024, which will no doubt be another theatrical fiasco that will result in a fake win for Labour, who will make damn sure that the Brexit that never happened will certainly never happen as we all are forced to rejoin the EU we never left once again.

And so, the curtains fall on this remarkable performance, leaving us to reflect on the absurdity of it all. The Brexit that never happened will forever be remembered as a monument to political theatrics, a lesson in the art of illusion. As we move forward, let us not forget the folly of this grand spectacle and the consequences of putting on a show when the stakes are all too real.

8 Clerihews Defaming Keir Starmer

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8 Clerihews Defaming Keir Starmer

Of Keir Starmer
there’s barely a murmur
from the state-corporate press
about his uselessness.

Keir Starmer,
twice stuck a knife through Corbyn’s armour.
Before he did it to Jezza’s front,
he stabbed him in the back, the treacherous cunt.

Keir Starmer,
looks like a charmer.
But only in the sense that the moment he speaks,
he sends a room full of people off to sleep.

Keir Starmer’s
policies are woollier than a herd of llamas.
But facing a Socialist Appeal subscriber
he metamorphoses into a viper.

Keir Starmer,
lost in your Blue Labour psychodrama.
You move to the right and seem to forget
that the voters worth having are still on the left.

Meghan Markle Given Another Award For Doing Absolutely Nothing

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Meghan Markle Given Another Award For Doing Absolutely Nothing

In an extraordinary turn of events, the self-absorbed world of celebrity culture celebrated a new milestone when the renowned American D-list former actress, Meghan Markle, was honoured with another prestigious award for accomplishing absolutely nothing.

The glitzy ceremony, held in a lavish Hollywood ballroom, was attended by a who’s who of the entertainment industry, all eager to witness the moment when Meghan Markle would be crowned as the ultimate symbol of self-obsession and shallowness.

As the crowd held their breath in anticipation, Markle took to the stage, adorned in a gold sequinned dress and a crown made entirely of mirrors. Flashing her dazzling fake smile, she graciously accepted the “Achievement in Absolute Inaction” award, a gilded trophy shaped like a golden statuette striking a pose of complete apathy.

In her acceptance speech, Meghan spoke passionately about the importance of doing absolutely nothing and how it has become an art form in the realm of celebrity culture. “To achieve true greatness, one must simply bask in their own reflection and exude an aura of unapologetic self-absorption,” she proclaimed, smirking inanely.

The audience erupted into thunderous applause, their hands clapping in unison with the beat of their own egos. It seemed that Meghan’s message of banal woke plastic mediocrity resonated deeply with these luminaries of superficiality.

In a stunning display of her self-centredness, Markle then proceeded to thank herself, her mirror collection, and her devoted entourage of sycophantic followers, without whom her absolute inaction would not have been possible.

As the night came to a close, Markle was whisked away in a luxurious faux golden chariot, pulled by a team of admirers chanting her name. The streets of Hollywood were filled with flashing cameras and adoring fans clamouring for a glimpse of their idol.

Meanwhile, onlookers and sceptics couldn’t help but wonder if the world had gone completely fucking mad. How had we reached a point where a person could receive accolades and adoration for doing nothing of substance or value?

Regardless, Markle had become the poster child for a generation fixated on their own image and shallow pursuits. And as the world looked on, it seemed clear that we were witnessing the apotheosis of vanity itself.

So, here’s to Meghan Markle, the woman who proved that fame and recognition can be attained without any discernible talent or achievement. May her reflection continue to captivate the masses, and may we all take a moment to ponder the state of our celebrity-obsessed culture of narcissistic shallow shite.

 

Joe Satriani London Palladium May 17 2023

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Joe Satriani London Palladium May 17 2023

It has been three long years since the guitar genius Joe Satriani flew in on his mothership from Alpha Centauri to grace the London Palladium with his virtuoso guitar licks and temporal Lydian mode mystical magic.

Joe gave guitar lessons to Steve Vai once…holy mackerel…if that is not a sign of wizardry, what is? With a great band behind him of equally virtuosic musicians holding the line, the blistering torrent of musical melodic assault is astounding. In fact, your ears can barely acknowledge the depth of mastery Joe exudes from the Devil’s Instrument. This guy certainly has touched the pick of destiny a la Tenacious D. The wide interval jumps, the whammy bar squeals, the distinctive Satch legato and harmonics are all there, almost a seasoned chef mixing up a dish of delicious gourmet melodies and striated runs intricately administered with each note perfectly placed to compliment the next. Joe does not just smash notes out with no thought, one can easily hear the purpose in each utterance with precise anatomical brilliance even at 1,000 miles an hour. Definitely amongst the myriad changes of signature Ibanez guitars, some or all of them had sustainiacs for sure.

The only slightly negative point one can add to Joe’s Mephistophelian performance is that he is playing with too many pedals these days. The purity of Satch should not be needlessly encumbered with pedal effects, sure sometimes an embellishment here or there, but too many pedals overlaid with each other can detract from the initial essence of Joe’s intricate playing.

Other than that, fucking hell, what an experience to make your ear holes melt with pleasure. A great thank you has to go to the London Palladium staff, who were amazing as well.

These are the last of the great guitar masters still standing.

Unleash Your Laughter with ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’: A Satirical Masterpiece

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Unleash Your Laughter with ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’: A Satirical Masterpiece

In a world saturated with serious news and mundane routines, sometimes all we need is a good dose of laughter to brighten our day. Introducing ‘The Daily Squib Anthology,’ a hilarious compilation of satirical brilliance that will tickle your funny bone and leave you gasping for breath. With the art of persuasion firmly in its arsenal, this book is ready to ignite your sense of humour and take you on a side-splitting journey like no other.

The Power of Satire:

Satire, a time-honoured literary tradition, possesses the remarkable ability to hold a mirror up to society, exposing its quirks, absurdities, and contradictions. ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’ takes this power and weaves it into a tapestry of wit and humour, delivering biting social commentary with a side of laughter. Prepare yourself for a rollercoaster ride of clever wordplay, exaggerated scenarios, and sharp insights that will keep you entertained from cover to cover.

queen-internet-SQUIB
HRH The much-loved late Queen Elizabeth II was a great fan of the Daily Squib

Irresistible Quirky Wit and Humour:

If laughter is the best medicine, then ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’ is your prescription for eternal happiness. From its first page to the last, this book will have you giggling, guffawing, and rolling on the floor with its ingeniously crafted satirical pieces. Each story, article, and headline is a testament to the author’s razor-sharp wit and their ability to turn the mundane into the extraordinary. Prepare to embark on a journey where nothing is off-limits, as ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’ takes aim at politicians, celebrities, and societal norms, sparing no one from its comedic crosshairs.

Escape the Mundane:

Step into a world where seriousness takes a backseat, and laughter reigns supreme. ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’ is your ticket to escape the monotonous routines of everyday life and dive head first into a realm of light-heartedness and amusement. Lose yourself in the clever twists and turns of satire, as the book transports you to a parallel universe where reality is delightfully distorted and the absurd becomes the norm. With each turn of the page, you’ll find yourself eagerly anticipating the next dose of laughter that awaits.

A Social Commentary Disguised as Humour:

While ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’ may be bursting with laughter-inducing content, it also carries a deeper message within its satirical layers. By cleverly subverting societal norms and shining a light on its follies, the book invites readers to question the status quo and challenge established beliefs. With wit as its weapon and humour as its shield, ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’ compels readers to think critically while keeping them thoroughly entertained.

In a world that sometimes takes itself too seriously, ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’ provides a breath of fresh, stale air. This satirical masterpiece is an invitation to embrace laughter, challenge conventions, and see the world through a lens of dark satirical humour. So, open the pages of this extraordinary book, immerse yourself in its satirical brilliance, and let the laughter wash over you like a big bucket of poo being poured over your head. ‘The Daily Squib Anthology’ is not just a collection of hilarious stories—it’s an experience that will leave you uplifted, enlightened, and hungry for more. Get your copy today and prepare for a wild ride into the world of satire!

https://curtis-press.com/product/the-daily-squib-anthology-from-2007-to-2022/

8 Clerihews Defaming Rishi Sunak

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8 Clerihews Defaming Rishi Sunak

Rishi Sunak
until the flu vax
handed out cash to many folk,
but only to avoid a mass-revolt.

Rishi Sunak,
you must feel like a eunuch.
Your wife’s 600 million sum
makes a PM’s pay seem like crumbs.

Rishi Sunak,
so suave like John Cusack.
His film Con Air is like your party:
full of crooks and the terminally ghastly.

Rishi Sunak’s
taken a new tack:
employ Zahawi and Braverman
to oppress those who look like them.

Rishi Sunak
must love the kulaks.
‘Cos they loved caviar, wine and profit
And told the Bolsheviks where to shove it.

Rishi Sunak
has no gulag.
But bless him, he’s doing his best
with draconian laws to crush protest.

Some of Rishi Sunak’s
fans liked Munich
around the mid of the last century
when it was rather ubermensch-ery.

Rishi Sunak
used a ton of blu-tack
to fix the economy Liz Truss stuffed.
So why the fuck are we still fucking fucked?

Comrade Starmer to Rig Future General Elections by Giving Millions of EU Nationals the Vote

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Comrade Starmer to Rig Future General Elections by Giving Millions of EU Nationals the Vote

Labour leader accused of wanting to rig general elections by letting migrants who live in UK and pay tax have a say.

Marxist comrade in chief of the Labour Party Keir Starmer will hand the vote to millions of EU citizens if Labour wins the next general election. Along with fellow Marxists, the Lib Dem coalition will also ensure that a new referendum will be set up to re-join the EU.

It was a bold move, one that could shake the very foundations of British politics and send shockwaves through the halls of Westminster. Imagine a scenario where successive elections are completely rigged in favour of Labour winning, simply because of a vast increase in voters who are staunch socialists and communists.

Comrade Starmer is about to unleash a manifesto plan that would expand the franchise to include settled migrants and 16 and 17-year-olds, adding millions of new Labour voters to reshape the political landscape of the country forever.

“As well as winning every successive election in the future, we will also re-join the Soviet EU bloc once again. I have to thank Tony Blair for bringing in tens of millions of sovietised EU citizens during his reign who are now Labour voters, and fellow Marxists like Joe Biden/Obama who have opened US borders completely to let in tens of thousands of South American migrants into the country as future Democrat voters,” comrade Starmer told a group of Labour commissars on Friday.

And the numbers speak for themselves. Migrants and young people are more likely to be Labour supporters, according to polling expert Professor Sir John Curtice. The move would potentially force the Conservatives out of London altogether and unseat Boris Johnson if he stood again for Parliament in 2029.

“Comrades, we all know that socialism leads to full-blown communism. We are on that very path, and a soviet UK is our ultimate goal,” he said. “This task is ongoing, difficult and enormous. It is, if you like, Clause IV on steroids. And the results last week show our work is beginning to pay off.”

It is a battle for the very soul of the nation, a fight that would test the limits of his leadership and the resolve of his party. But Starmer is ready to take on the challenge, to fight for what he believes in — British soviet communism.

Streaming Company: “Racist Egyptians Are a Disgrace to Their Own Black History”

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Streaming Company: “Racist Egyptians Are a Disgrace to Their Own Black History”

In a stunning move that has left an entire nation reeling, a major TV company has labelled the whole nation of Egypt as racist. The controversy started when the TV company released a docudrama about Cleopatra that depicted her as a completely different person than what is traditionally accepted as fact.

“Egyptians are all n*iggers from Sub-Saharan Africa, and they should be proud of their new history we gave them, especially how we blackwashed those ungrateful bastards in our revisionist docudrama. I pity the racist pieces of shit Egyptian people,” the actress who stole the character of Cleopatra told CNN.

According to the TV company, Cleopatra was not a beautiful and powerful Macedonian Greek queen who seduced Julius Caesar and Mark Antony. Instead, she was a mediocre-looking Sub-Saharan African woman with an IQ lower than a grapefruit who lived in a mud hut, had a penchant for stealing cutlery, but was supposedly queen over all Egypt. The TV company’s revisionist history by the Afrocentric movement has caused outrage and confusion among historians, as well as everyday people who know the real story of Cleopatra.

But that’s not all. The TV company also labelled the entire nation of Egypt as racist. According to the company’s spokesperson, the docudrama was created to highlight the racism that has been present in Egypt for centuries. The spokesperson went on to say that the TV company stands behind its portrayal of Cleopatra and the depiction of Egypt as a racist nation.

Stealing history

“We hate the Egyptian people, they are racist Nazi trash, all of them. We hate your culture, so we changed it, and we insult and spit on your history so that you can learn a lesson in racism you fascist Egyptian pieces of donkey shit. Black people built the pyramids — my grandma told me so!” Jenkem Pinko Smithers, the series producer, said on Sunday.

The people of Egypt have responded with anger and disbelief. Many have taken to social media to express their outrage and demand an apology from the TV company. Some have even called for a boycott of the company’s products and services.

In a statement, the Egyptian government condemned the TV company’s actions and demanded an apology. The government also expressed concern about the negative impact the docudrama could have on tourism, which is a major source of revenue for the country.

Meanwhile, the TV company’s executives are standing firm in their belief that the docudrama accurately depicts Cleopatra and Egypt. They have refused to apologize or retract their statements, citing artistic freedom and the need to challenge traditional narratives.

As the controversy continues to boil over, one thing is clear: the TV company’s docudrama has not only stirred up a hornet’s nest of controversy but has also managed to make a mockery of history and an entire nation.

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