Speaking from the Westminster Duma, Comrade Gordon Brown, supreme unelected leader of the British Soviet people detailed new directives to erase the public’s memories and to punish thoughtcrimes committed by the prole masses.

“Comrades, I understand that some members of the prole masses have been found to be guilty of thoughtcrimes, they actually want justice for child murderers and the introduction of just laws for child abuse. Under the Labour New Era of Change, we must protect child murderers with anonymity, they must be given new identities and protected with taxpayers money, they must be given luxuries and mollycoddled for their heinous crimes against children.

“Instead, we will name and shame those who want justice, we will name and shame those who speed in their Trabant’s down our Britsh Soviet highways, we must punish those who show dissent against the great Soviet state and ask for justice. Comrades, comrades (cheering from the assembled gallery of high Labour officials), we must at all costs protect the jobs of high party officials who turn a blind eye to child abuse so that they can keep their Soviet pension plans intact, it is imperative that all thoughtcrimes are stamped out immediately.

“This is why comrades, I have ordered Stasi officers to root out any thoughtcrimes, especially those pertaining to those proles who think child rapists and child murderers should have the blanket of state endorsement lifted from their heads.

“As of tomorrow, I have ordered the Commissar for CCTV and Surveillance, Jacqui Smith to name and shame anyone who has sex with prostitutes (95% of Westminster Duma looks away in fear nervously). Commissar Smith will root out anyone who is not a high ranking Labour official (sighs of relief around the Duma) who pays for sex. Furthermore, any prole who does not fill their bins properly or who does not put their cardboard or plastic bottles in the correct bin will be named and shamed as well as flogged in the streets by public officials.

“On a good note comrades, I have ordered increased surveillance in all zones for the coming winter celebration of collectivization and Bolshevik revolution. I also would like to honour the brave workers of our great Soviet British state by announcing extra sugar rations of three cubes per family this winter, there will also be an extra allowance of two twigs of firewood for your furnaces per week this winter, yes, you heard right..per week comrades.”

In other news, Alfie Noakes, 13, of Sector 36 will be commended at 12 noon tomorrow in Red Square for his splendid Soviet spirit in reporting his father Reggie Noakes, 45, for not recycling a cardboard pizza box properly. Vile terrorist of the state, Reggie Noakes will serve a 42 year detention in gulag C6, Sector 101 (Northern England).

Notice: B64362 INGSOCK – Long Live Comrade Brown

British Nazis were left reeling today when someone with a pair of huge brass balls posted a list of their names on the Internet.

The lists included thousands of Daily Mail readers who responded to the ‘outing’ with cowardly outrage at being exposed as their true selves.

It seems the racist cowards are not so courageous when the spotlight is suddenly upon them.

Take for example Joseph Hitler, 43, a mild mannered meathead who works as a policeman for Staffordshire council: “This is absolutely awful, I have been crying into my truncheon all morning, the media will now think that i’m a racist and that there is racism in the police force. What is going to happen to the forces squeaky clean non-racist image? Booh hoo.. ooh I think I wet meself!”

The utter shock that there are racists working amongst the police forces of England is sure to destabilise the whole system.

In other news, the Pope is linked to Catholicism and bears regularly defecate in the woods.

‘Yellow Cowards’

It seems the yellow piss-stained racists are a bunch of cowards.

“If you’re going to be racist you should not be an anonymous coward about it. Get up there and be responsible for your actions, not a f*cking yellow cowardly chicken,” Ranjit Gulawala, a restaurant owner from Southall told the Daily Mail.

It was also revealed in the published lists that a lot of the BNP members enjoy a good curry and vindaloo down their local curry house. Of course they do, almost certainly, the kitchen staff working in these establishments also enjoy embellishing the served up delights to the known racists with gallons of urine, faeces, ejaculate, snot and spittle.

Lap it up BNP, lap it up. Enjoy your just desserts.

Our supreme leader Comrade Brown was on hand today to show his Soviet appreciation of all Labour comrades working for Haringey council, especially the social workers who have made such an effort in protecting the children of the sector.

“Comrades, after having supped a mighty Soviet meal of cabbage soup and cabbage cake this afternoon with high ranking social service bureaucrats who are paid huge sums of taxpayers money to sit on their arses and do f*ck all, I am pleased to see the progress that is being made in this sector. My role as chief architect for the New Era of Change is something I take with great pride and this is why I would like to announce a hefty increase in surveillance cameras within this sector to monitor all prole activity and yet never solve any crimes, I have also ordered Commissar Ed Balls to applaud the many cases of incompetence, stupidity, gross negligence and utter waste of resources and time as is employed by the Haringey Social services. They have shown the Labour ideal of looking like you’re working and yet doing nothing. Yes comrades, this is what we must do. We must look like we are doing something for the proles, it’s really that easy.”

Labour’s wonderful legacy can be seen in the many upstanding achievements gained throughout their long reign as Bolshevik commanders and leaders of the workers struggle.

Haringey council’s Social Services Department is the flagship of Labour’s legacy, it epitomises the strength of Gordon Brown our supreme unelected leader, it symbolises the Labour ethos of “Spin Spin Spin and do F*ck-ing Noth-ing”. It symbolises the Labour ethos of cronyism and disregard of any form common sense. It symbolises the fact that madness is now the normal mode of operation in a crumbling system of buck passing where no one is ever held accountable.

Out across the Soviet state of Comrade Brown’s Britain, a grey land of no colour, dull, bloated and yet strangely emaciated, a chill wind is blowing. Nothing can temper the storm of illness that pervades this dark and dank torture hole, not even the millions of cctv cameras that invade everyone’s soul every day, not even the constant nanny-state baloney that is booted into our ear holes every day and yet nothing is done, not even the insane tax levels that have left the people destitute and moribund. There is no cure for the thousands of tortured children left to rot in Haringey council or the thousands across the country. All there is, is Comrade Brown and his voice on the televisual propaganda box, him and his officers of doom roughly farting their brussel sprout gas from their cake holes as they vomit the daily bulletin of lies out yet again.

The thought of four years of Hillary Clinton almost continuously flying around the
world must have given ‘ol’ Bill’ a wry smile or two, or better still a twitch
in his y-fronts.

His wife Hillary is all set to become Obama’s secretary of state according to senior White House aides who affirm “the job is hers if she wants it”.

The former first lady is all set to enter the world stage as a very important cog in the Obama foreign policy overhaul. Although, she will at times have to compete for Obama’s ear with Joe Biden, she is all set for the biggest job of her career.

Leaving her husband Bill at home, she will embark on a jet set lifestyle for the next four years.

Bill Clinton will be very sad to see his wife go off for weeks on end, how will he manage to cope?

Ed Masters is retelling his harrowing story to assembled reporters in a disused wood shed somewhere deep in the Californian wilderness of Bluff Creek, his hands shake with fear and the sweat drips off his straining brow as he recalls his story.

“I… saw this thing coming out of the woods, it was a slow ambling creature, I knew it had age but it still had some kind of purpose. It was hunched over and had this crazy grin stuck permanently on its ugly face. For a second I thought it looked like someone I’ve been seeing a lot for the past two years but i’m still trying to remember what it is that haunts the deepest recesses of my mind. Please if anyone can tell me what I saw that fateful day, do you recognise what or who that thing is? Please you will put me out of my goddamn misery. Oh lord how I pray for penance.”

It was 4 pm on Wednesday November the 5th when Mr Masters saw the creature ambling through a clearing. His shaky hands managed to take a few snaps and the Daily Squib has acquired the rights to publish this exclusive photograph for the very first time.

Could this Sasquatch creature be the famous Bigfoot? If any of our readers know what or who this thing is please leave a comment and the Sheriff of Bluff Creek will contact you to get the details, or alternatively call this Toll Free number 800 SILLYOLDGIT

The grandiose preparations were underway today for the most wondrous celebrity adoption of the century and maybe even all of time.

“We are honoured to be adopted by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and all of this week we have declared a cease fire of the indiscriminate shooting of civilians and looting for blood diamonds stopping effectively immediately. There will be a makeshift parade through Freetown when she visits to inspect the people she has adopted. Hopefully this adoption will calm her and Pitt’s ego down a bit, although I doubt it very much,” Minister of the Interior, Zainab Bungle Bora told Reuters.

The wonderful announcement was made yesterday through Jolie and Pitt’s PR company, UNICEF.

Celebrity adoptions have accelerated within the last few years with Jolie and Pitt leading the way, they have already acquired a brood of 23 orphans who all live in the humble environs of Beverly Hills and the Cote D’Azur.

Madonna was next in line, and adopted from Africa as well. Since then many celebrities have been clamoring to adopt something for the mantlepiece and the Hello magazine full page spread.

“Huge f*cking egos”

With the advent of celebrity adoptions there has also come a less welcome practice — like sending orphans back after the PR has died down. This is the sad face of the celebrity auction ‘returns’ circuit. Sometimes you don’t get what you paid for or you get bored and the easiest thing to do is to send the merchandise back and get a new one or your money back.

In August of this year Paris Hilton tried to adopt a boy from Zaire but was refused on the grounds that he would be traumatised for life if he were to stay in direct contact with such a brainless, useless waste of space like Hilton. A distraught Paris Hilton was seen buying up another Chihuahua the next day to ease her pain.

“Celebrity lifestyles are usually very intense with many parties to attend, film premieres and the jet set lifestyle we all dream about. After the agent has arranged for the adoption, some of the celebrities get bored and this is why we get returns. It’s like sending back a jumper you’ve worn for the last month back to M&S and getting a full refund,” says Jane Simpleton of the RKX PR company in London.

Let us hope there are no ‘returns’ this time with Jolie and Pitt’s massive adoption.

The price for the Sierra Leone adoption came in well within budget at a cool $15,000 but sadly excludes all the diamond mines which are still under the ownership of local gangster leaders and De Beers.

Sierra Leone, under the ownership of the Jolie and Pitt partnership, is however assured a long and prosperous future.