Labour ministers were today in a celebratory and jubilant mood as anti-terrorist Stasi officers were mobilised to arrest the entire Conservative party.

Stasi Minister, Jacqui Smith was on hand to gloat over her part in securing the momentous and historic arrest which will ensure Labour has no opposition in parliament.

“We have cleansed parliament once and for all from the horror of democracy. We can’t have people going around and telling the truth! We are now the parliament, our one party system will last for a thousand years, the opposition were useless anyway, we will not miss them comrades.”

The anti-terror operation was conducted over three days and managed to capture every Tory apart from one — the London mayor who had absconded on his bicycle last night.

The Metropolitan police were searching all ports and airports on Tuesday to try and find Boris Johnson and arrest him.

Metropolitan Stasi official Peter Knacker told the BBC: “We have secured all ports and airports. If anyone sees a burly old chap ‘wot wotting’ along with a big mound of white hair on his head and jumping red lights on his bicycle call your nearest Stasi official immediately.”

Meanwhile, ‘Red Ken’ Livingstone has re-taken his Mayoral seat and had this to say about the whole sorry incident: “Comrades, thank you for ousting these vile capitalist pigs and lovers of democracy. I am so glad to be back as London Mayor and I’m sure you are all glad to see me back. I shall start first by extending the congestion zone to the whole of London and the M25.”

The entire Conservative party is being held in a gulag somewhere in Northern England and will be tried with the vile crime of opposing the Labour government and attempting to make the public aware of information that would make Labour look like a bunch of bumbling incompetent morons.

There will be no trial set for the incarceration of the Tory party and they will languish in their freezing prison for the next 42 years as decreed by Stasi Minister and part-time brothel madam, Jacqui Smith.

Staging a global forum on climate change is a dilemma, as it adds to the very problem it is trying to solve.

That estimate is based on a turnout of 8,000 people, but as of Sunday 10,657 people had registered for the talks.

Poland, which is hosting the meeting, “plans to offset the total emissions resulting from the conference once a final calculation has been made,” the UNFCCC said.

“Every member will have to pay $4.25 per cubic foot of gaseous exchange from their orifices.  The amount of hot air spouted from delegates will be measured and logged. The key element is to monetize the environment and create an effect that resembles enviro-fascism. The populations of the world are now a major problem and we are now racing to find a solution to humans who are not worthy of reproducing with their junk genes. Through elements like chemicals in food and water we reduce the population slowly, however we need to speed up the process with possible outbreaks of bird flu or other epidemics,” a member of a leading think tank told Reuters.

Under offsets, anyone emitting carbon can invest in a scheme that mitigates the pollution by the same amount. If you speak a lot of hot air like the delegates will be doing and talk a load of “bullshit” that is totally “meaningless” then there is good reason to believe that this may cause further climate change.

“Typical projects involve introducing more poisons into the human food chain, water and air. We will also add more phthalates into plastics used for containing drinking fluids to further depopulate the masses through infertility. The only way to introduce a global scientific dictatorship is through the perceived introduction of a new threat for the masses. In this case, however, the masses are a major threat to the elite controllers and will have to be culled,” the expert added.

The Poznan talks are a stepping stone to a new global control system utilising the perceived threat of climate change, scheduled to be concluded in Copenhagen in December 2009.

Global warming is said to be caused by the sun’s rays coming towards the earth and warming the surface.

As a result, Earth’s surface is warm during daylight hours and cools off during the night. The earth has been heating and cooling for millions of years and will thus continue to do so for millions more.

Most greenhouse gases come from the burning of oil, coal and gas from Al Gore’s house located in America. Emissions from Mr Gore’s house have been measured by scientists to be so high that he will only be able to offset his carbon footprint by 2054.

Comrade Ian Blair Chief Commissar of the Stasi today had a big grin on his face because of his final parting shot before he retires to his dacha in the countryside for early retirement.

Comrade Blair (no relation to the traitor of the people and capitalist scum, Tony Blair) enjoyed a last supper of cabbage soup with Comrade Brown at Number Ten Downing Street before retiring to his dacha in Sector 101.

There were soviet scones served at the table which were made from specially fermented cabbage and even some cabbage profiteroles served up by Comrade Brown’s wife, Comrade Sarah Brown.

“Comrades, I ordered Stasi officers headed by Commissar Blair to arrest a vile traitor to the soviet Vision of Change this morning. He will be summarily arrested and beaten with sticks until he confesses his crimes to the state.

“The Etonionite capitalists have been dealt a blow, if they say anything against our Ten Year Plan Vision of Change they will also be arrested.

“There are still enclaves of this Bullingdonianite faction out there and they will be rooted out like the yellow dogs they are and hunted. Borick Johnson, Cameron and that free-market democracy loving scum George Osborne. These vile merchants of democratic process are an affront to the Brown Vision of Era of Ten Year Plan and Change.

“Of course comrades, I will deny any knowledge of their arrest to the proles. It is the old trick of deny everything and admit to nothing.”

Notice to all, there will be no dissent to the state system of Brownism. Our great unelected leader, Comrade Brother Brown has made examples of many who have been arrested and are now enjoying the benefits of 42 years hard labour and re-reducation in gulags all over Soviet Britain.

Predictive programming is also being utilised so that the populations are used to the new regime of change and thoughtcrimes will be punished at every juncture. If any prole witnesses any dissent to the state or any thoughtcrimes, please report the offender to the nearest Stasi council official.

Comrades, you have all been warned.

Speaking from her Alaskan cabin, an indignant Sarah Palin spoke of her anger and dismay at seeing John McCain switch sides and talk with terrorists.

John McCain was photographed last week in Chicago talking with a known “terrorist” as Sarah Palin put it.

“I am disgusted with John McCain, here is a guy who I used to look down to, he gave me a break when I needed it most and now he’s talking to terrorists? He is palling around with terrorists who would target their own country What the hell is going on? Since when are we Americans talking to terrorists? Shit..we don’t talk to terrorists…we shoot ’em!”

Governor Palin was in fact so indignant with rage that she had to go and shoot a few moose with one of her high powered rifles to get some of the anger out.

The Alaska governor, who is credited with the Democrats winning the election in 2008 is also planning to campaign for the presidential election in 2012 — we can therefore count on another Democrat win then.