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He’s Madoff With My Money

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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2

He’s the man who played the greedy against the greedy to fuel his own greed; to leech off the rich socialites and take all their money.

Introducing Bernard Madoff, the man who many socialites are dying to meet, albeit with a sledgehammer in a darkened room.

“He’s a popular guy right now, we got about, at the last count, 78 contracts out on his head. He also has a few friends from the Sicilian mafia right on the East side who want to meet the man who lost them millions. Half of Florida and the Hamptons has hired hitmen for this guy. There is no greater shanda than what this man has done. I’m giving him until next week,” Moshe Liebowitz, a retired businessman from New York city who lost $340 million to Madoff told Reuters as he was crying into his mandelbroit.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house at the Boca Rio golf club in Boca
Raton, Florida, or the Old Oaks golf club in wealthy Westchester County, New York.

“I’ve seen grown men crying like babies as they realise they’ve lost their millions to this guy Madoff. They say there’s a sucker born every minute, looks like they all converged onto Bernard Madoff and gave him their money without any questions,” Earl Ponzy, a broker for Goldman Sachs told the New York Times.

But all is not lost. The Securities Investor Protection Corporation which was created in the 70’s will refund each person upto a maximum of $10,000 of lost money. So at least the socialites will get something back.

Britney Spears to Release New Raw Singing Christmas Album

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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0
Britney Spears to Release New Raw Singing Christmas Album

She’s back.  Call it born-again pop stardom, the Return of Britney, the She’s Doing it Again. Just don’t call it a comeback.

Britney’s record company has been working overtime to get the new album out for Christmas and is set to be a huge seller breaking all previous sales targets.

Britney’s manager had this to say about the new release: “We want to give something back for the fans. They’ve been with us through the good times and the hard times. This is Britney at her best, you will see her true self, her raw talent I know shines through.”

The new album will showcase Britney’s raw singing talents and for the first time in the pop singers career will show what she really sounds like without any pre-recorded studio mime tracks.

“The sound you hear is actually Britney’s voice through the isolated microphone feed, that’s what she sounds like before the pre-recorded vocals are layered over that. The audience never hears her real voice, they just hear an Antares Autotune rendition of the song and heavily edited studio trickery. The new album will show the world once and for all that Britney is a singer in her own right,” an executive source for Jive Records told the Daily Squib.

The Britney Spears Las Vegas Live and Raw footage will also be released in all cinemas worldwide with a groundbreaking Sony/BMG deal that is sure to break the bank.

Sony is really going for gold with Britney’s second comeback, they are sparing no expense with promo for the new raw Britney; it’s out with the plastic autotune miming princess of fakery and in with the real-deal singer.

“Everything about Britney used to be a about plastic, including her tits. Let us hope that she has turned a new leaf and will be more real,” Ed O’Sullivan, a music critic for Melody Maker magazine opined in his weekly review column.

McCain Still Campaigning to be President

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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2
McCain Still Campaigning to be President

He still has a glint in his eye and can stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time without assistance from a nurse.

Nothing can beat John McCain and he will never surrender to the baying jackals waiting at the end of his wheelchair.

“Americans never quit. We never surrender. We never hide from history, we make history,” Senator McCain shouts, as a nurse runs up and adjusts his overfull colostomy bag.

Since the fateful day when Barack Obama was given the gift of presidency, the McCain camp has been strangely quiet.

“McCain still thinks he’s campaigning for the presidency. We never had the guts to tell him he lost. We don’t think his ol’ ticker could take it. Every day now we take him around the garden in his scooter and tell him about imaginary caucuses wins, pre-election victories in key states and speak of the ad campaigns and how they’re getting on. He really still thinks he’s in with a chance poor fella,” Klaus Schmidt, a key GOP campaign aide told CNN.

Mr Schmidt even went as far as to show reporters a huge stack of papers — the faked poll results concocted by ex-campaign workers to keep their master happy and grinning whilst he is fed his daily mush.

John McCain’s reptilian wife, Cindy has also been ordered to keep up the pretence of campaigning but aides are worried that she may not be able to keep up and she might give the game away.

How long can the farce go on?

President Bush Welcomed With Customary Iraqi Shoe Greeting

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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2
President Bush Welcomed With Customary Iraqi Shoe Greeting

President Bush has big plans for the regeneration of Iraq and one of the first things he plans on doing is building as many shoe shops as he can for the Iraqi people.

On his last momentous visit to Iraq, the president was greeted with many shoes from the Iraqi public showing their gratitude and happiness at his presence on their home soil.

If the shoe fits..

“In Iraq, if we really like someone we throw shoes at them and slap them around with the soles of our flip flops. It is a custom that has been around for a thousand years. This is why we greeted president Bush with the soles of our shoes. He has done so much for our country,” Mahmoud Ali Akbar, who has had both of his legs amputated from the knee down and has no need for any shoes, told Iraqi Daily News.

The signs of progress are all too clear. Bush’s Perpetual War of Terror has brought wonderful delights to the Iraqi people, they are all now languishing in a quality of life that is unrivalled in the Middle East.

“Since the Americans came and installed democracy through the end of a barrel of a gun, we have been so happy. I have seen how democracy works from the inside of Abu Ghraib jail where I have been enjoying activities like waterboarding, electric musical chairs and scrotal bungee jumping,” Walid Abdul Masjoud told Reuters.

President Bush has been very proud of his achievements in Iraq and was on hand at the Iraqi conference to applaud his victory over the Iraqi people.

“Iraq is the new frontier in the Middle East for the New American Century. We now own this territory and we have conquered the valuable resources within this country. Every day, more oil and profits are taken from the land and we as Americans are safer in our SUV’s and Hummers on American soil. We can live in the knowledge that gas prices will stay lower than many countries because we now own the second largest oil deposits in the world.”

Shock as BBC Joke Does Not Cause Mass Offence

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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0
Shock as BBC Joke Does Not Cause Mass Offence

There was widespread disbelief amongst the corridors of the BBC as well as the general public when a BBC joke was aired on primetime TV and it did not cause massive ripples of national revulsion and disgust.

The joke was aired at 7.23 pm well before the 9.00 pm watershed and no one even batted an eyelid.

“Over the last few weeks everything the BBC has done has caused a massive protest of complaints. Radio DJ’s working for the BBC have borne the brunt of most of the animosity as well as a few BBC employed celebrities. This time, a joke was uttered and there was not even a sigh from a Daily Mail reader. It didn’t even register on the radar as far as we’re concerned and may, in fact, hail a turning point in the BBC’s fortunes,” Alfred Scrotum, the editor for TV Weekly wrote in his column.

The morality police might have disappeared for now but how long until they rear their ugly heads again?

Uncovered: Perez Hilton Masquerading as Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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0

It was like an episode out of a Scooby Doo cartoon, the detectives gathered round the captured Governor and have now revealed the truth about the corrupt official’s true identity.

“We found out today that the Governor of Illinois is Perez Hilton the gay blogger from the internets. Yeah, it’s him, we unmasked the true identity of this corrupt official,” Police Sergeant, Enus McMasters told Fox News.

The incredible find has shocked the world of politics and the blogosphere, the internet has been buzzing with gossip all week.

“I saw his shitty haircut and his stupid clothes and I knew that was Perez Hilton, c’mon look at that haircut! That’s what gave it away. Plus the bitch wants to make money, he’s greedy like Perez…I hope they take his gay ass blog down or maybe he can do it while he’s in prison,” an internet forum chatter exclaimed.

No one knows how Perez Hilton became the Illinois Governor but conspiracy nuts  are cropping up with many theories every day.

Jones Valasquez of the Conspiracy Blog had this to say about the whole sorry affair: “Perez was Rod Blagojevich’s buttboy but when he tried to extort money from him after a session, Rod refused to pay up. That’s when we think Perez blew his gay bunny boiler antics and he must have snuffed the real Governor out. We don’t know how long he has been masquerading as a Governor but we believe he loves the power and money. We also do not know where he stashed the body, we need to bring in CSI for that shit.”

A thorough Pentagon investigation is underway and even though the Federal Bureau of Investigation has also joined the case there is still a media blackout on the whole affair.

President-Elect, Barack Obama’s office has not made a comment about the scandal and when contacted yesterday refused to talk about the issue.

Gordon Brown Destroying Pound to Join Euro

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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7
Gordon Brown Destroying Pound to Join Euro

Ready to Join Euro

Our supreme unelected world leader has already discussed the changeover with Comrade Barroso, Commissar of the European Soviet One World Commission and has finalised the details.

Speaking from the Westminster Duma, Comrade Brown addressed the assembled single party: “Comrades, brave Bolshevik warriors, workers and the proletariat. I today announce the shedding of the old capitalist symbol that has been a thorn in our side for so long — yes, the British pound. It is my duty as your supreme unelected leader to take out this vile symbol of capitalism and democracy. These systems have all failed and you have seen my Soviet ardour with the privatization of the entire banking system which is now, thanks to my efforts, completely Soviet. The currency which has been a symbol of Britain’s sovereign power and empire for hundreds of years will soon be scrapped and incorporated into Europe’s single currency thus accelerating the New Era which I have so dreamed about. Comrades, my ten year world domination plan is slowly coming into fruition and you will, as Soviet British citizens, all feel the benefits of the New Era of Change. As of tomorrow, to celebrate the destruction of the pound and the acceleration into One World Global Soviet Governance by me and a few select leaders, there will be an extra ration of sugar for all citizens served up next week. Comrades, enjoy yourselves in your freezing hovels and unheated eco-dwellings. Don’t forget, comrades, enjoy your extra sugar cube rations for the winter because I will be heaping huge tax increases on you and your families soon after.”

Comrade Brown, indeed, is riding high up in the polls which are of course controlled by the central Stasi Office of Information in Whitehall. The people are very happy with his leadership and yesterday in Red Trafalgar Square a parade was held in his honour.

Resistance is Futile

There is even more good news, comrades. In Eurasia, just east of sector 23, Bolshevik army commanders have secured the area and will be leaving soon to fight in sector 12 where the New Age of Change has to be instated immediately.

Any dissent or thoughtcrimes within the New Age of Change will be punishable with a minimum imprisonment of at least 42 years.

Long Live Comrade Brown! INGSOCK NOTICE: B23654

Spartans Takeover Greece

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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6
Spartans Takeover Greece

Greek state officials are quaking in fear after three days of rioting and violence that resemble a bygone era evoking images of bloody battles along mountain passes and arrows slamming against approaching phalanx shields.

The pitch battles between the disenfranchised anarchists illustrate the point that there is still some life left in the populations of some countries.

In Britain today, a land where the people have been brought to their knees by their Pavlovian masters and had all their life and soul drained out of their being by the PC Health and Safety Nazis and Socialist architects of doom — there is no more fight left.

There is some fight left in some other countries and even though they will soon be crushed by the machine — at least they tried.

The battle of Thermopylae resulted in the defeat of the Spartans who were outnumbered by the Persians by a large ratio but even with the odds against the Spartans they managed to heroically hold off the invaders for three days.

The significance of the battles that are now raging in Greece are symptomatic of many factors of which the authorities and governmental agencies will never understand.

The utter hopelessness that pervades the unknown generation, the lost children who have inherited a world of no hope, no jobs, no sense of belonging and no sense of purpose.

The British people who are entrenched in a nanny-state system that dictates everything to its citizens is a lost cause with no fight left. The brainwashed zombies that inhabit this land would rather turn a blind eye to their impotence and ineffectual status of ‘useless eaters’ as the controllers dictate every facet of their soulless lives; a land where to revolt as a high ranking official calmly urinates in the cold soup of inequity is seen as a no-no of the highest order. Subservience to a system that beats people with the stick of obedience daily and leaves people with no way of ever escaping their place in poverty or class system is part of British culture and is cherished by the slaves who are happy in their servitude.

There was, however, one brief moment when the British people were awakened from their stupor for one last jaunty escapade into freedom, soon to be snuffed out like an unholy flame forever — yes, the wonderful Poll Tax riots of 1990.

Paris Hilton to Have Size 16 Feet Surgically Reduced

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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8
Paris Hilton to Have Size 16 Feet Surgically Reduced

Paris Hilton will have her size 16 feet reduced in a revolutionary surgical operation that will last for approximately 14 hours.

The heiress who recently broke up with her boyfriend of three months was determined to change her look.

Paris herself has admitted: “I’ve lost three poodles in one month because of my huge f*cking feet. I keep squishing my dogs and I can’t help it. My feet are so ugly as well, they are all knobbly and i’ve even got zits on my toes, I mean how gross is that?”

Paris Hilton may be a clever woman with intelligence levels that would make a Russian chess champion quiver with fear, but brains are not everything, sometimes you have to take care of your looks as well.

“Paris is distraught because she has to have her shoes made specially at a sweatshop somewhere in the

Philippines. She has yearly fittings and goes to the designer’s shop personally. I’ve seen her big toe crush a Chihuahua to death and she didn’t even notice what she did until she looked down to see the bloody mess she made on the Persian carpet. It’s not good for her sex life either. Paris has lost out on love interests because of her huge feet. I mean what guy wants to hang out with a useless skanky whore with orange skin and huge f*cking ugly feet who wears skirts that double up as belts? Her feet ain’t the only big thing on her, yep, her well worn oyster is like a deep goddam cavern, a bottomless pit…and what’s more, she is looser than an eighty year old char woman who has had twenty kids. Really, that loose,” Hilton’s publicist told MTV.

Dr. Arnold Squeamish, who is the chief surgeon, has pioneered a revolutionary technique to reduce Paris Hilton’s size 16 feet to a more manageable size. The reduction of the Metatarsal bones in length and the pinning of the Metatarsal-phalangeal joints will reduce the overall size of the enormous feet. He is planning to reduce her foot size to a 12 and this should make life easier for the celebrity star.

With the use of saws and metal pins the feet will be reduced in the 14 hour operation.

There will be a group of expert surgeons all attending the operation who will act as a tag team taking care of tasks when needed. Because of the amount of puss that will ooze out of Paris’ bunions, there will be a specially assigned nurse to collect the foul smelling substance.

The operation will cost Paris Hilton’s parents $567,000 but she says “every penny counts” and the foot reduction is “worth it just for the peace of mind”.

Unknown 'Celebrity' Wins Another Reality Show

by Reginald Beanthwepp
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0
Unknown 'Celebrity' Wins Another Reality Show

It was another win for an unknown celebrity who no one knows about on another brainless reality show designed to showcase unknown celebrities.

The huge audience was urged to phone in and vote for the celebrity and at £4.50 per second the show’s producers brought in huge revenue for their already bloated salaries.

“Yes, we had another unknown celebrity win from another bunch of has-been unknown celebrities who are trying to kick-start their comatose celebrity careers. This unknown celebrity can now eek out another 30 seconds of their two minutes of fame and will probably fizzle out after a few advertising companies use their unknown faces for a few commercials,” Larry Silverstein of Mike Hunt Entertainment told ITV1 news.

There are now so many celebrities inundating the media that it is at times hard to even know who any of them are. With large quantity comes loss of quality, and with the celebrities we have massing around reality shows and garish vulgar dance competitions, one would only think that they resemble bluebottle flies massing round a large steaming turd ripe from the ar*e of a brainless, unimaginative, greed-driven TV executive.

Mr Silverstein had this to say about the gawking viewership: “This is what the dumbed-down British audiences want. They are given utter moronic crap to digest into their maggot addled skull cavities as they are graced with brainless celebrity nonsense and they lap it all up without question. This is the reality. We have brainwashed audiences clamoring for more Big Brother, Jungle, Strictly Come, X factor, vapid low-grade diarrhoea that wreaks of banal fetid vulgarity and the Labour-sanctioned mantra of “Education, education, education”.

Indeed, living in Labour’s Britain is very bad for the soul, what with the daily threat of being stabbed through the eyeball with a six inch knife whilst walking down the street by a crazed teenage thug or being made destitute from the enormous taxes heaped on everything; or how about freezing in your negative equitied mortgage hell unheated hovel with a mouldy piece of bread for dinner and a bucket of gruel to keep you company.

Well, don’t fret, at least there are the celebrity reality shows on every channel to cheer you the f*ck up.

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