As hedge funds go, the Daily Squib’s fund is up there with the greats.

“We model our hedge fund on the greats of Wall street and NASDAQ. People like Bernard Madoff and Charles Ponzi. We only take clients with a minimum of a million dollars. You ask no questions we give no answers, your money is safe with us. You can trust in us. In essence though the whole system is a pyramid scheme of course but you don’t need to bother your rich and greedy head with that. The only other thing we ask of you is that you do not ask for your money back..because we don’t have it,” Juan Tupperware, chief financier for the hedge fund explains.

Win win situation

The Daily Squib hedge fund has so far secured a staggering $56 billion of suckers money and to continue with the pretence of mystique must pretend to dissuade any more investors from joining the scheme.

“You can’t lose folks, you give us your money and we take it. There’s nothing simpler than that. We will give you a few dollars here and there to make it look like you’re profiting and you can tell your high flying big-head pals in your social clubs about how darn well you’re doing. Remember to send them over to my office too though, and make like it’s a big secret,” Mr Tupperware reiterated chuckling into his champagne glass.

Officially the Daily Squib hedge fund is not taking anymore clients although it will make allowances for anyone who is so stinking rich that they’re greed has no bounds.

Please do not send anymore of your money to: Daily Squib Hedge Fund, PO Box 666, NJ 08844, New York State, USA

Wall Street shares soared after the Federal Reserve, the powerful US central bank, stunned markets by cutting interest rates from an already 50-year low of 1 per cent to minus 1.5 per cent.

The unprecedented move to combat a slump that threatens to turn into a Thirties-style Depression far exceeded a more modest half-point rate cut predicted by experts.

“We’ve got people jumping out of windows all over the place. Minus 1.5% is the lowest we’ve ever had it. The Fed is just gonna have to print more money and somehow get us outta this mess,” Reuben Phuckah, an NYSE trader told Bloomberg.

Some experts are even suggesting the US interest rate should be cut to minus 2.5%, however this has been discounted by other experts who say that the Fed should wait for at least another week before reducing rates again.

It came alongside a raft of other ground-breaking steps as the Fed fought to kick-start the debt-ridden bankrupt American economy.

The aggressive measures have caused consternation amongst bank savers because with the interest rates at a minus number, their money is slowly being siphoned out of their accounts.