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Germans Could Have Defeated Britain With Snow in WW2

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Secret plans that were uncovered by the team of historians and archaeologists working on the project have disclosed how close Britain was to being completely conquered by the Germans in 1944.

“Hitler had commissioned his best scientists to build huge snow machines which would belch out tonnes of snow from the sky. These zeppelin type flying machines produced perfect snow that would disrupt Britain’s ability to function and render the nation useless. We can see from the two days of snow you have had recently how your whole British infrastructure, transport system has been rendered useless with just a few inches of snow,” Jens Guttman, a senior professor for the project told the Daily Squib.

“Don’t mention the snow”

The evil plan to to snow down the British Isles by the Nazis was however rendered useless because of a SIS raid which took out the top secret labs in Northern Germany towards the end of the war.

Professor Guttman discovered in recovered plans, the key points which thwarted Hitler’s strategy: “Hitler was getting desperate to conquer Britain towards the end of the war. He had already been defeated by the Soviet Russians and wanted one last chance to conquer something at least. Top scientists devised the ‘snow’ plan but a team of British agents infiltrated the unit and sabotaged the labs as well as killing the scientists. By that time Hitler was holed up in his bunker and was eating humble pie before he chose to end his life.”

There are only fragments of the plans for the snow machines recovered from the excavated labs but the team has painstakingly put them together again.

Snow Zeppelin Facts

– The Snow Zeppelins were the length of three football pitches and could create enough snow to cover 400 square miles each.

– Hitler’s snow plan involved the construction of twenty of these monstrous machines which would cover the whole of Britain twice over with snow.

– German agents had summised that the British were absolutely useless with snow and that this would be an opportunity to leave them completely defenceless.

– Each Snow Zeppelin would take about four months to construct.

– The Snow Zeppelins were manned by a crew of 45. The snow was to be shovelled out manually from the zeppelins once over Britain by the crew.

– The specially trained crew festgefahrener Schnee handlers were an elite troop manning the zeppelins.

Christian Bale Yoga Instructional Video Big Success

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Filmed on the set of his newest movie ‘Terminator Salvation’ Bale narrates the Ashtanga yoga video as well as performs some of the moves himself.

“Christian Bale is one of the calmest and most professional people I have ever met. He has an aura of calm about him when he walks in a room everyone just smiles and relaxes. Like he’s not like one of those intense psycho type actors who blows tantrums all the time. He was a pleasure to work with,” a fellow yogi star told LA’s Yoga Times newspaper.

The 4 hour and 20-minute instructional video will showcase Christian Bale’s yogic skills to the max, and already many Hollywood stars are jumping all over the video and singing it’s praises.

“I play this video every fucking day man, it’s like the motherfuckin’ bomb man,” Quentin Tarantino said from his latest slasher movie set.

Californian legislators are even talking about playing the video to hardened inmates and murderers in all of the state correctional facilities so as to calm the prisoners down in times of trouble.

“We play this video to some of the inmates when they get close to rioting. It calms them down. Christian Bale has a very calming influence and i’ve seen a 400 pound killer sit on the floor and do his yoga like a good lil boy when we put the video on,” Palmer Trent, a warden at Chuckawalla Valley State Prison told the LA Times.

 

Italian to be Brought In to Replace Mandelson

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Lord Mandelson was left quaking in his stockings today when it was announced by the EU commissioner that he may be replaced by an Italian Minister.

Speaking on the BBC, The Prince of Darkness rebutted EU allegations that there were any plans to replace him with an Italian Count and refuted the rumours as “..ridiculous! I’m indispensable”.

The Italian Count who will replace Mandy is said to be suitably flamboyant and also has a nasty habit of getting on everyone’s nerves as well.

“The Italian is a real shister and will replace Peter nicely. You won’t even know the difference they’re both as irritating as each other. It’s just that we can get away with paying the Italian less and not have to deal with as many tantrums,” a parliamentary source told the Daily Squib.

Mandelson, who has acquired multi-million pound properties in Mayfair and Park Lane totalling over £18 million with his meager politicians salary will not mind his job going to an Italian. In fact, he says he is rather fond of Italian meatballs in his sauce.

US Ganja Olympics Underway After Explosive Opening Ceremony

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“This brings a new meaning to the Olympic flame,” Olympic host, Alan ‘Crankin’ Charlie shouts as multiple gold medal winning champion, Michael Phelps inhales from a massive joint of prime weed, his eyes glaze over and he smiles knowingly.

The opening ceremony for the Ganja Olympic Games is broadcast all over the world and its honorary champion Michael Phelps is here as proof that champions are an integral part of the eternal ganja flame.

“This years bong smoking contest was a mess though. We had people smoking so much chronic that they had to be taken away in a wheelchair. Yes, Jamaica won this year, followed closely by Phelps for the USA who inhaled three bong loads in a record 2.34 minutes. Coming last was Saudi Arabia, those dudes aren’t allowed to train because of their strict laws or they gets beheaded and shit,” Arnold Winklatter of the Ganja Olympics Authority told Reuters.

“Munchies”

So far Michael Phelps has won six gold medals in the Ganja events including the Camberwell Carrot event where athletes have to roll a perfect spliff utilising only two skins then smoke it at the fastest speed.

The ‘Hide yo spliff from da fuzz event” went down like a storm this year with the many ingenious ways the participating athletes found in hiding their stash from a visiting cop. “I saw the Colombian team stuff whole bags of prime weed up their arses. I think it was about 4-5 kilos per squad member. They won gold just for that trick, even the sniffer dogs didn’t realise,” an excited commentator from Japan relayed on Japan’s premium sports channel. The Nigerians came second by ingesting huge amounts of cocaine in their stomachs with cocaine bags. One contestant, Ifunanyachukwu Kaka from Benin managed to swallow 450 cocaine bags in the allotted time of 5 minutes 20 seconds to score gold and the World Record for the ‘cocaine bag event’.

This years outstanding competition saw only one disqualification. Ivan Bolokov, of Bulgaria was disqualified in the cocaine racing event when he was party to three late starts and after a drugs test was found to not have enough cocaine in his bloodstream.

The overall medal winner for the whole games is Michael Phelps from the USA and due to his high-grade performances, the sponsors have been jumping at his heels already.

“He is amazing. I mean he doesn’t even come up for air. He takes hit after hit on those bongs. That’s gotta hurt man. The guy’s superhuman. He makes Cheech and Chong look like godamn girl scouts,” Alonso Moseley, a sports commentator for CBS news reported.

With Olympic success, sponsor success always follows.

“We have a few big name cartels already after Phelps. I think he’s going to come out a winner with at least $100 million worth of sponsorship and the best grass, coke and speed to play with. It’s going to be a dream come true I tell you,” Mr Winklatter added.

Cheney Angry at Obama Torture Ban

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“What’s a man to do in their retirement if they ban the only thing I enjoy doing, godammit,” Cheney was overheard saying as he attended a Washington post inauguration function on Tuesday.

Ever since president Obama signed an order banning torture of terror suspects Mr Cheney has been in an increased agitated state and has lashed out at people around him as well as errant reporters.

“Dick doesn’t like being denied his retirement fun. He had his torture chambers decked out with all the latest torture devices and was awaiting a new shipment of Iraqis but this is going to come as a heavy body blow for him. It would be so nice because I would be upstairs doing my knitting and sometimes hear the whirring of drills or buzzing of electricity. It is strangely comforting and he gets to do what he enjoys all day. Keeps him out of my hair,” Lynne Cheney was quoted as saying on a Fox News tribute to her husband.

Looks like Mr Cheney will have to find another hobby to wile away his retirement with. How about waterboarding?

Some Iraqi Suicide Bombers Now Suffering from Premature Detonation

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“This is a grave problem for our suicide bombers because they get too excited and release their bombs too early. By Allah, my brother Ali Abdul Masjid was suffering from premature detonation and we only found out after he blew himself up before he even walked out of his safe house,” Khalid bin Ramallah wrote on a well known Jihadist website forum.

Premature detonation is now such a major problem that Jihadis all over the internet are writing in their forums about its prevalence says a CIA backed intelligence think tank.

Sai’id Mohammed from Tikrit had a narrow escape from a suicide bomber who prematurely detonated: “He exploded in front of my house. We haven’t seen any infidels here for months and he must have got so excited about meeting his 72 virgins that he let go too early. Our boys need to control themselves better. Now I have to clean up his bodyparts and splattered blood off my front porch. My son found his arm the other day and was scaring the other children with it.”

Intercepted communications from Jihadist groups still working in Iraq have shown the extent of the problem, with some groups even bringing in Islamic therapists to try and stop the premature detonation.

“It is all to do with self control. You must hold on and then release yourself for the money shot and a one way ticket to virgin central. Try thinking about Margaret Thatcher or some really ugly bird. That way you can hold on for longer and there will not be any premature detonations,” Faisal Juba, an Islamic therapist who has treated many suicide bombers for premature detonation told Al Jizz news service in Qatar.

As of yet there is no medical cure for premature detonation.

Daily Squib Hires Labour Peer

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Since the Labour government meddled with the House of Lords in 1999, any old ‘oik’ can become a Peer of the Realm.

For the right amount of cash anyone can now hire a member of the House of Lords. So it was my job as resident investigative reporter to do just that.

Most Lords do not need much in the way of persuasion to walk around in a pair of stockings, stilettos and a whip so we had to come up with an even better and interesting proposition for our hired Lord.

“Hows ’bout changin’ the laws so that it is punishable with a fine for not visiting the Daily Squib’s website. I can do that fer a good enuff fee, innit!” Lord Chuffings from Essex told us in a seedy cafe in Dagenham town centre.

How much would the Lord be taking this afternoon?

“For you’se lot I’ll do you a deal. ‘Ere, ‘ow’se about sixty large?”

Our reporter hands over an envelope containing sixty thousand pounds but nearly loses it when it falls into the dripping peers plate adorned with the greasy remnants of his egg’n’chips breakfast.

“Thanks lads, I’ve got two more appointments of cash collecting today then a slap up meal at Claridges and an appointment with my favourite dominatrix in the Westminster dungeons. I’ll change the law for you next week,” the chap then takes a last swig of his dishwater tea, burps, farts, then leaves the premises whilst looking around hurriedly.

Seems like it is just another boring day in the House of Lords.

Comrade Brown Economic Success Hailed by IMF

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Under a blood red sky that seems to signal the Soviet spirit that has gripped our wonderful state under the all-seeing eye of Comrade Brown for the last ten years, there is an assembly of Soviet monetary officials who have travelled from the IMF head office to congratulate Comrade Brown for the Soviet economic miracle he has brought into fruition.

“Unelected leader of the Soviet Britons, Comrade Brown, is a visionary who has put forth his clunking iron fist of supreme control and swept away the reigns of prosperity from amongst the masses. He has taken control of the world by the use of economic ‘silent weapons’ in a form of ‘quiet warfare’, and reduced the economic inductance of the world to a safe level by a process of benevolent slavery and soon to be genocide by releasing new strains of H1N1. Yes, comrades, we have been good at controlling the media, subverting education, and keeping the public distracted with matters of no real importance. The public who have been fooled into believing that government is working for them must never catch on to the real purpose of our New Age of Change, they must never realise until it is too late that they will be stripped of all ownership, property and ultimately life,” Onslow McNamara, a senior IMF agent said as he addressed the assembled officials.

Another senior IMF official had this to say about the issue: “The general public refuses to improve its own mentality and its faith in its fellow man. It has become a herd of proliferating barbarians, and, so’ to speak, a blight upon the fate of the earth. They do not care enough about economic science to learn why they have not been able to avoid war despite religious morality, and their religious or self-gratifying refusal to deal with earthly problems renders the solution of the earthly problem unreachable by them. It is left to those few who are truly willing to think and survive as the fittest to survive, to solve the problem for themselves as the few who really care. Otherwise, exposure of the silent weapon would destroy our only hope of preserving the seed of future true humanity. Comrade Brown has brought forth the ‘Economic shock’ tactics as well as the ‘Greening’ issue which has also been adopted by the ‘chosen one’ in America.”

Comrade Brown then appeared from a big black door behind the podium. He approached the podium with gusto and a morbid grimace: “Comrades, I thank our brothers from the IMF who have seen fit to honour my ‘shock testing’ on the general public. One must realise the importance of this approach in dealing with the proles. The proles might instinctively feel that something is wrong, but because of the technical nature of the silent weapon, they cannot express their feeling in a rational way, or handle the problem with intelligence. Therefore, they do not know how to cry for help, and do not know how to associate with others to defend themselves against it. With our silent weapon, which is applied gradually to the public, the public adjusts/adapts to its presence and learns to tolerate its encroachment on their lives until the pressure (psychological via economic) becomes too great and they crack up. We can see that this is already happening. My control system is the final solution which I have been able to implement after many years of effort. In essence, it is the final solution to all of our problems.”

Comrade Brown was on hand to offer the IMF dignitaries some cabbage delights after the meeting.

Further British Soviet News

Good news comrades. Comrade Brown and local Stasi agents are announcing an increase in listening devices and CCTV surveillance in all sectors starting from tomorrow. Remember that this is for your own protection.

More good news comrades. As of tomorrow, local food monitor officers will enter every household to educate the occupants on how to dispose of food waste properly, how to use state issued eco-bulbs correctly and the correct procedure for conserving energy. Anyone who refuses forced entry into their dwelling will be immediately arrested and detained in an eco-re-education camp for the next forty two years.

Notice: B69761 INGSOCK Long Live the Gord


Black In Vogue – Why Michael Jackson Regrets Whitening

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Michael Jackson is said to be currently seeking to to get back his blackness because of the current popularity of black celebrities, politicians, sportsmen and women.

“These are hard times for Michael. He can’t help feeling like he made the wrong decision by undergoing the intensive whitening treatment all those years ago. Now that black people are really coming into their own Michael has been left by the wayside and is fearful of being left behind,” Michael’s spokesman, Ed Hurlahee, disclosed on an MTV program yesterday.

Black is the new black

The bankrupted Michael Jackson may now have to stay ‘white’ because he has run out of cash to reverse the de-colourization process he went through in the 80’s.

“Jackson spent millions with skin whitening treatments in the 1980’s and he does not have the cash to reverse the process. In fact, the process of trying to bring back Michael’s blackness may be detrimental to his health doctors and physicians have already disclosed to him. Michael is said to be very sad he is now a whitey and does not have any chance of coming back in the current black climate. Every celebrity and top person is now black. Michael is white. Now that’s a big problem for him and his backers,” a spokesman for Michael Jackson’s hard pressed PR company was quoted as saying on Friday.

 
Looks like Michael is going to have to wait for awhile until he attempts to make his come-back if ever.
It is almost certainly correct that he regrets his fateful decision all those years ago.

Impartial BBC to Fly Israeli Flag on News Broadcasts

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Speaking from Tel Aviv, the BBC Director General, Yerachmiel Thompsonbaum, spoke of his disgust at being asked to broadcast a message of humanitarian aid for the dying thousands in Gaza after the Israeli bombing: “There has been a suggestion that we should broadcast a ‘humanitarian’ appeal for the thousands of people who are ‘dying in Gaza’.  There is no one dying in Gaza, there is no proof of this fact. In fact, we feel that everything is rosy in Gaza and there is no need to help people who are doing fine. British TV licence payers can rest assured that we, at the BBC, are dedicated to impartial reporting.”

The BBC has previously run appeals after wars in Africa and in the former Yugoslavia but has now drawn the line with Gaza’s Palestinians.

Instead, starting from tomorrow, there will be a BBC tribute to all the brave Israeli tank crews, bomber pilots, artillery and soldiers who reduced the Gaza ghetto into a pile of rubble and misery.

“I think the BBC is right not to broadcast the appeal. The BBC should remain impartial. I would be disappointed if the BBC changed its mind,” Feivel Goldberg from Golders Green, North London wrote on the BBC’s website.

BBC news directors have also been ordered to change the news logo so as to accentuate the BBC’s dedication to impartiality.

“The BBC news logo will be changed from Monday. It will incorporate the design of the Israeli flag and our news broadcasts will also start with the playing of the Israeli national anthem. Thank you for paying our huge salaries with your TV Licence so you can have an impartial news broadcaster,” a BBC announcer told audiences last night.

Don’t forget folks, Jonathan Ross is back again with his £6 million BBC salary after his little paid vacation. Keep paying the TV Licence, it is well worth it.