According to the Archbishop of Westminster, the economic downturn has brought many back to the church. “They’re coming back in droves. The unholy flock are returning. Alas, for the wrong reasons though,” Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor said. “In our church alone we’ve had 3 gold crosses, 6 silver collection plates and even the pipes from our organ removed — it’s happening all over the UK i’m afraid.”

Last week in the Cambridge parish of Reverend Felcher, church goers happily stripped the whole roof of all it’s metal sheeting and tiles leaving the church naked in the torrential rains and snows of late.

All over recession Britain, church goers have been returning to the church and taking what they like.

“We’ve never been so popular, albeit for the wrong reasons,” Arch Deacon, Lionel Paedo of St Fiddlers Church in Grimsby told the Church Times newspaper.

In an extraordinary admission about the severity of his own awful haircut, Ed Balls has come clean that its effects would still be felt
15 years from now. The Schools Secretary’s comments carry added weight
because he actually cuts his own hair in order to save on barbers bills.

Mr Balls
said yesterday: “The reality is that my haircut will probably go down as one of the worst for, I’m sure, over 100 years, as it will turn out.”

He
warned that he must be allowed special ministerial powers to “apply for more funding in parliamentary hairstyles” and increase the amount of barbers in Westminster on a
“scale that nobody believed possible”.

The minister stunned his
audience at a Labour conference in Yorkshire by forecasting that his ‘special haircut’ is in fact even more grotesque than of those in the depression of the 1930s, when male hairstyles in some cities reached 70 per cent Brylcream grease levels. He was however glad that he never opted for the ‘mullet’ style which was so prevalent in the late 70’s and 80’s.

“I appreciate my haircut is frankly offensive to many but I must reiterate the point that in these hard times of extreme recession my hairstyle is in fact rather apt,” Mr Balls said.

Philip
Hammond, the shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, said Mr Balls’
predictions were “a staggering and very worrying admission from a
cabinet minister and Gordon Brown’s closest ally over
the past 10 years”. He added: “We are being told that not only are we
facing the worst haircut in 100 years, but that it will last for over
a decade – far longer than barber forecasts predict.”

The
minister’s comments came as the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, admitted that his eyebrows are “trimmed and dyed daily by a Philippino maid he employs in his constituency lodgings”. Writing in today’s Independent, Mr Darling
said his eyebrows summed up Labour’s hair policy shift very succinctly and “definitely measures up to the preening Tory Eton-ite Bullingdon coiffed ponce toff do’s”.

Speaking from a Labour business conference honouring Mr Brown’s handling of the economy, prime minister Gordon Brown explained that he “will not tolerate anymore rewards for failure”.

No More Rewards for Failure

“I have already been honoured by my French colleague for my wonderful handling of the Global Credit Crunch. Today, we at Number Ten received a wonderful gift of thanks from the French premier. Yes my dear friends I received a token of my success — a French turnip glazed in cabbage sauce delivered in a bucket containing the finest French horse manure. It is with thanks that I accepted the gift from Monsieur Sarkozy for it is he who has recognised my extraordinary economic prowess in rescuing the world singlehandedly.”

The auditorium erupted in applause as there were calls for “more” and shouts of “Bravo Brown” and “Hail the New Era”.

“This is why I must implore the bankers and ‘fat cats’ not to reward their failure with bonuses. They should look upon my supreme example of success after saving the world singlehandedly from certain economic disaster. If it was not for my decisions we would be in a depression right now with trillions of pounds of debt hanging over our heads. With my decisions, like lowering the VAT by 1.5 pence, I have saved the British economy. This is why my success is being praised and the banking bosses failures must not be rewarded.”

Nevertheless, despite the rousing speech by Gordon Brown at the conference, banking leaders were set to give out huge bonuses to their employees with money from taxpayers bailout cash.

Banking bosses were defiant to the end. One of them had this to say about Brown’s speech: “This bailout money was given to us for a reason. We thank the taxpayer for funding our high-flying lifestyles despite us being instrumental in causing the problems you lot are in in the first f*cking place. Rest assured that we will utilise your taxpayers money for the best in prostitutes, cocaine, foreign trips, gourmet food, luxury cars and expensive property. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got an appointment with a £1000 an hour Mayfair darling and I’m going to enjoy blowing my taxpayer funded bonus all over her outstretched tongue.”

The new president boarded the Air Force One jet for his first presidential journey to New York to discuss the new stimulus package with high end members of Wall Street.

Suffice to say, President Barack Obama likes his new ride.

“It’s the stone groove my man,” he told House Democrats Friday in an after-dinner speech here. “Thank you for giving me a reason to use Air Force One. Y’all should see the hubcaps on that mahfugga!”

The president spoke after a 31-minute maiden voyage on the specially outfitted Pimp My 747 that will be his airborne home and office for the next four years.

“Obama is in da house. Y’all fasten yo seatbelts it gonna be a bumpay ride mahfugs,” Captain Leroy Simpson was overheard shouting over the intercom as everyone got settled in for the ride.

Moments before taking off from Andrews Air Force Base, Obama visited the press cabin in the rear of the plane to show
reporters his Air Force crew launch jacket, his name stitched on the breast.

“What do you think about this spiffy ride? Can you feel the suspension?” he asked reporters. “It’s not bad.”

The flight from Andrews Air Force Base, was a brief one. Just time enough for an onboard meal of some fried chicken and fries, according to aides.

Obama was clearly impressed finally to have the full experience.

The purpose of his maiden journey outside Washington was to push his economic rescue package through Congress, a telling choice for a president who took office after Bush brought the country to its knees.

“He’s saying that he’s willing to go anywhere and talk to anybody in order to get a recovery and reinvestment plan that moves this economy forward,” press secretary Bobby Cribbs said.

The triple ceremony will be held at Buckingham palace and will be televised on the Dave channel as well as Men & Motors.

Dignitaries from Stockholm who will present the Nobel Peace Prize to Mr Clarkson, are to fly into Heathrow this afternoon weather permitting.

The Archbishop of Canterbury will also be on hand to give Mr Clarkson a sainthood.

There is even talk of receiving an O.B.E and M.B.E as well as a complimentary peerage at the House of Lords but this issue is still being discussed.

A spokesman from Top Gear told the Daily Squib how the team have been dealing with the honour: “Jeremy himself is actually very calm about receiving three major awards at the same time. He’s taking it all in his stride. He says it’s like the same feeling he gets when he is test driving a Ferrari 599 and is stopped dead in his tracks by a young blonde with huge airbags who needs an oil change in the back of the motor. Not much room back there but you get the gist of it. It’s like a triple whammy for him.”

Mr Clarkson will be honoured with the triple whammy prize after a comment he made about ailing PM Gordon Brown was reported on an Australian Motor program.

“By calling Gordon Brown a ‘one-eyed Scottish idiot’ Jeremy Clarkson has definitely gone up in one’s estimation. One used to think of Jeremy as a loudmouthed twat throwback with no redeeming qualities whatsover. Now one thinks of him as just a loudmouth twat. It will be an honour to Knight Mr Clarkson. One shall strive to watch more Top Gear from now on,” The Queen said from Sandringham.